This Could Be Rock 'N' Roll (9 page)

Apart from anything else, we don’t really have anything to say to each other and Jade won’t talk to him at all. However, he does manage to get her off the couch. As soon as she realises that he is at the front door, she is straight on her feet and off to bed. After that, Harry and I enter this eternal conversational loop which no amount of electronic enhancement or sound effects could make interesting.

Nowadays I drag him down one of the bars on Newland Avenue (usually either Zest or Sleepers) in the hope that we will bump into somebody worth talking to, not that I particularly want to be seen in his company. Failing that, I can at least watch people around me and pray for as much silence from Harry as possible.

You would think that I might enjoy somebody else complaining about Cathy’s spiky little ways but somehow it really bugs me, partly because Cathy and I are at last getting on better and partly because I really don’t need to be reminded about that part of my life. Harry’s job is to keep Cathy happy and otherwise to keep his mouth zipped. After a hard day of showing people around houses I really don’t need a hard night tolerating Harry.

I’ve had pretend friends,

And swear til the end friends,

A few round the bend friends too.

Promise the world friends,

And unfaithful girlfriends,

And head in a whirl friends,

Well they’re nothing new

And there’s something to say,

For walking away,

When you’re drifting apart anyhow.

If you’re not my friend today,

Hey, it’s way too late now.

Taking it all friends,

Bang head on brick wall friends,

And unreturned call friends too.

Fat pack of lies friends,

And can’t meet your eyes friends,

And fuck off and die friends,

I’ve had one or two

And there’s something to say,

For walking away,

When you’re drifting apart anyhow.

If you’re not my friend today,

Hey, it’s way too late now.

So don’t dog me to death,

Or curse under your breath,

Like it’s some kind of personal treason.

So you knew me when,

We were younger young men,

But we parted back then for a reason

And there’s something to say,

For walking away,

When you’re drifting apart anyhow.

If you’re not my friend today,

Hey, it’s way too late now.

*  *  *

Jade is going to get laid off by Skeltons however much her mum struggles to keep her job open for her. She’s just never there unless they set up a branch in our sitting room with Jade tossing buns at people from our couch.

I don’t want to be hard on Jade because I can imagine that being pregnant and constantly sick is not all its cracked up to be, but I do think she could perhaps make more effort - just get herself onto her feet and persuade herself that she can cope with life. I know that when the baby is born she will no longer be working anyway, but immediately the additional income would be useful even if I am on a winning streak of selling dodgy houses.

The other problem is that I am constantly feeling summonsed. Jade wants me to sit on the couch with her and chat all the time, except when I am getting her pots of tea and various natural remedies she so believes in. If they are that good, why isn’t she dancing down Victoria Ave?

Obviously, it’s nice to spend time with Jade but not all the time. I have my writing to do and I keep being distracted by Harry.

Jade keeps asking me about pregnancy and what is normal. Should she feel as bad as this? Cathy didn’t - she sailed through. Should she be talking to baby? What exercises should she be doing (on the couch?)? Should she be watching noisy quiz shows (never!)? Would baby like gardening programmes? Do I really have to go and play this gig in Grimsby (as if I haven’t repeatedly been asking myself the same question)?

The trouble is that I’ve totally forgotten what having a baby is like. I even forgot between Josh and Sam being born and that was only two years.

I can tell you that NCT is a complete waste of time, especially the moment when they attach a bloody great falsy to your front and say that this is what pregnancy is like, and would I mind imagining squeezing out a nine pound turd? I can also tell you that whatever resolutions you make in the quiet of your paper and pencil haven get torn up once you register yourselves into the hospital and the doctor and nurses take over. It is all “If you don’t do this, everyone will die, the baby will be malformed, disaster will happen!” and all you can say is “OK. We are in your hands.” I can also remember that the birth itself is beautiful and that you hold this tiny living creature in wonderment while your wife is thinking “Shit, what do I do now?”, and that after three years everything is OK again. That’s it. There will be a lot of discussion as to whether you should buy enviro-friendly washable nappies or those polyprop things that are raising Britain another one thousand feet above sea level and then, if you go for the disposables, whether Pampers, Huggies or supermarket own are best. Then there is the whole breast feeding bit and the role of baby foods, organic or toxic, and what sort of baby gyms you should have and, at that point, I rekindle my interest in football which has never been great. I’m a Hull City supporter after all, about once every fifteen years.

I cannot believe the amount of decision making you have to get involved with over the welfare of a creature which is destined to grow come what may so long as it is born in Britain. It will eat when it wants to, it will shit when it wants to, it will learn to talk, it will learn to read, it will try to cheat the other kids in the school yard and it will end up working some shit job either for a slave wage or a king’s ransom according to its ambitions. But the way everybody tells it, it is like every decision you make could blight every aspect of its future existence. Eating rusks - that’s it, it will never get to Cambridge. Fever - that’s it, it will spontaneously combust. If you don’t do the inoculations, it will not only die of every disease going in sequence but it will also decimate the entire population. Yeah, of course it will.

So first-borns really suffer. They get all the should-do crap and feel they have to be captains of industry and the rest are let off the hook because what was critical first time around is suddenly a bit of a chore. I can see Jade going exactly that way. She has read the first three pages of every baby guide book going - she feels nauseous after that and has to have a little nap.

So, when Harry calls in amid all this excitement I am decidedly peeved. However, this particular knock on the door isn’t Harry but his better half, Cathy.

“Hello,” I greet her in total shock.

“Hi, Jake.”

“What are you doing here?” It is meant to sound surprised but it probably comes over as closer to hostile.

“I’ve come to see Jade, to see if I can help.”

I am speechless so I simply hold the door open for her and she squeezes through under my arm and enters the sitting room shyly. “Hello.”

“Hi,” says the kiss-me-Hardy voice rising from the couch.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah. Make yourself at home.”

What do people say when their brains are disconnected by volatile hormones?

“How are you doing?” Cathy, obviously.

“All right.”

Get up, then.

“I’ve felt better.”

Stay there after all.

“Yeah, it’s hard, isn’t it?”

It was?

“Is Jake looking after you?”

“Yeah, thanks. He is being champion.”

“Drink lots of water.”

Yeah, that will certainly get you off the couch sooner or later. Or you could just send Harry round.

“How’s the telesales?” Jade asks.

“Boring, but I’ve got to do something.”

“And Josh and Sam?”

“Yeah, they’re good.”

I am getting terrifying visions of Jade holding our child in her arms and of a steady trickle of people filling up our sitting room having witless conversations like this one while I pour cups of tea.

“What cravings are you having?”

“Chocolate and tomatoes.”

“Oh yeah? I had those too. Any carrots. I couldn’t eat enough carrots until the doctor told me that I was endangering Josh’s liver.”

“Peanuts.”

“Oh, you want to watch those. You may give him or her an allergy.”

“Do you think so?”

“I’d certainly be careful. What do you think, Jake?”

I think I’m going on a world tour anywhere they’ll have me. You know how on the continent there are all these rubbish bands that go platinum. Maybe there is a place for me.

“Jake is very good with children,” Cathy adds, “but no man ever understands what it is like to be pregnant.”

“I know what it is like to give birth, it is like …….”

“Thank you, Jake. I doubt that Jade needs to contemplate that at this point.”

Just when I thought I could inject some fun and humour into the conversation.

“Have you got any names worked out yet?”

“No. I’m superstitious, like. We’ll wait for it to appear first.”

“You won’t get any help from Jake. He just wants to use names that he can weave into lyrics to celebrate the birth. He’ll rule out anything which is hard to rhyme or scan.”

“Well my dad’s family always call their first boy John, so we may have to go for that.”

“I think that even Jake can find a rhyme for John, can’t you dear?” What’s this - Cathy teasing me, almost flirting with me, in front of Jade?

“Yeah, I suspect he could,” says Jade ignoring any undertones.

“Jade? Do you mind if I borrow Jake for a private chat for a few minutes? I have to discuss the children with him.”

“No problems. Take him as long as you bring him back.”

“Thanks, Jade.”

Cathy leads me outside the house and takes me for an avenue walk.

“So what’s this in aid of?” I ask.

“I just wanted to be with you - alone.”

“Why?”

“Is there a why?”

“There has been up until now, yes.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do, but the world has moved on. Jade is pregnant, you are with Harry and the kids are gradually moving away from me.”

“They adore you.”

“Yeah, but they aren’t with me every day and they are starting to forget me.”

“Jake, you are getting paranoid.”

“I don’t think so.”

Cathy takes my hand rather publicly. “So what are we going to do about it?”

“Dunno.”

“Would you ever consider us getting back together again?”

“Is it so bad between you and Harry?”

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“It has something to do with it, I would guess.”

“This is between you and me.”

“And Jade.”

“I think I was married to you first.”

“And you kicked me out first too.”

“Only because you misbehaved.”

“Except that I didn’t.”

“You admitted that you did.”

“I told you that I didn’t. I was covering up for someone and they dropped me in it, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Well, it’s not so important now, Jake. Water under the bridge.”

“Yeah, but the water has gone a long way out to sea by now. I have a responsibility towards Jade.”

“You have responsibilities towards me and the children and we were there first.”

“So you want me to move back into Priory Grove?”

“I would like you to think about it.”

“And you would be prepared to exterminate your parents?”

Astonishingly, Cathy laughs. “Yeah, I would even consider that.”

I am perplexed. “What have they done to you then?”

“They are all over Harry. They make me sick. They keep saying how good it is that you are no longer on the scene and that I now have a really worthwhile and substantial boyfriend and isn’t that great, except that this substantial boyfriend won’t stand up to his parents and I want to be with you more than anything anyway.”

Blimey. The world does revolve after all.

“I’ll have to think about it,” I say.

“Don’t think about it too long.”

We walk thoughtfully and pregnantly back to the flat where Cathy drops me at the door.

You’ve got you sugar-coated memories,