The Touch (Healer Series) (12 page)

  
She felt something for him. She was certain time
stood still when he looked at her. Each time they touched a connection grew
between them like nothing she had ever experienced before. She didn’t
understand the feelings and they scared her.

It
appeared to her that he felt it too. She was determined to figure out why he
was so adamant about being just friends. Perhaps he was repulsed by her looks?
Maybe all the drama of her life made him hesitant? A week ago she had been
perfectly happy in her life even with the dysfunction, and then AJ came into
the picture and she felt obligated to change her life and make room for him. He
had never suggested it. It was merely implied in his gestures and enhanced by
what she felt - and she couldn’t explain it.

  
“I’m probably as crazy as my mother,” she
whispered, rolling her eyes. He shifted, causing her to freeze. Not wanting him
to open his eyes and see her standing there, she remained silent not wanting to
portray herself as a stalker.

  
“You
gonna
stand
there all night?” she heard him ask, his eyes still closed and facing the back
of the couch. She was mortified.

  
“I couldn’t sleep,” she countered, “and I was
going to get a drink of water.”

  
“Sure,” he replied, a grin spreading across
his face. He opened his eyes and looked over at her. She looked terrified
still.

  
“Come here,” he said, sitting up on the couch
and patting the outdated pattern on the cushion next to him. He lifted up the
blanket, and after a brief hesitation, she moved quickly to his side and curled
up in the seat next to him. He lifted his arm and put it around her, pulling
her into his chest. His scent wafted through her nose, the fragrance of his
body enveloping her. She rested her head on his chest, setting her hand there
as well. The methodical beat of his heart mixed emphatically with the rain. She
could have sworn it beat faster for awhile, before slowing down to a gentle
hum.

  
He pulled her closer again as if to hug her
and then rested his head on top of hers.

  
“Get some sleep,” he said. “No one’s going to
hurt you.”

  
Addie let the beat of his heart fill her
mind, like a sound-machine of safety, as she drifted off to sleep.

  
AJ noticed there was no shocking feeling upon
touching her now, only a calming effect and a tremendous amount of warmth.

  
He felt her twitching awhile later and
figured she must have been dreaming. If he could have slept he would have been
dreaming, too. He was worried that Joseph might come back, and the uneasy
feeling hadn’t left him since that morning. Perhaps that was why, he thought.

  
He wrapped the blanket around her again,
making sure she was covered. For the warm weather they were having the nights
could be cool despite having shut and locked all the windows. Tomorrow wasn’t
going to be an easy decision. His mind and heart were equally torn between
leaving her alone or suggesting he stay, knowing full well she’d reject the
offer she’d see as babysitting. He knew he’d now be watching her – even if from
a distance - ensuring she was safe. He was fully absorbed with worry about her
future.

  
Addie’s mind was filled with the night’s
events. She’d never been openly scared of Joseph, although he’d been different
that night. A
man
who felt scorned, abandoned. She was
scared that he’d do anything to keep her. It wasn’t her safety she was
concerned with anymore; her daughter Rose was at risk of his temper, and now
she’d brought AJ into it as well. Her mind drifted to AJ and his superhero
appearance as he stood between her and Joseph. He seemed to tower completely
above them, from her point of view on the ground. In nothing except an old pair
of worn-in shorts, his body was lit up by the street lights and the moon, and
every movement he had made flexed another muscle, making him seem all the more
insurmountable to an enemy. She had never been so thankful in her life for
someone butting into her business.

  
She snuggled closer to him, breathing him in.
Everything about him made her want him. She was drifting back into
consciousness, and she slowly moved her hand up to his face. Perhaps she just
felt so alone, or perhaps she felt tied to him after the evening they had been
through. She couldn’t stop herself. She moved her hand slowly across his cheek
and felt his face turn into it.

  
“Addie,” he whispered, “I can’t. Try and
sleep.”

  
“I don’t want to sleep,” she said. “I want
you.”

  
“I can’t. You can’t,” he replied, his voice
cracking as he struggled to get the words out. “You’ve been through a lot. Just
go back to sleep.”

  
“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered,
pulling her hand away and scooting back on the couch a bit.

  
“Nothing is wrong with you.”

  
“Then it’s the old, it’s not you, it’s me
bit?” she said harshly.

  
“No. I just can’t! Damn Addie, why can’t you
let it go? Are you always this damn persistent?”

  
The emotions were overwhelming and getting
the best of her. She was losing control and felt even more lost with every word
coming out of her mouth.
   

  
“I want to know why! I want to know why I
feel this for you. Why I feel this rush go through me when you’re around! Why
you make me lose sight of everything else, even when I’m trying to be as
laid-back about it as possible! Do you think I want to feel like I’m begging
you? Like I’m forcing you to kiss me? I don’t know what the hell is happening,
but in all my life I’ve never been as consumed by a man as I am by you and it
scares the hell
outta
me.”

  
She was on the verge of tears again and
beginning to completely resent the shell of a person she thought she’d become.
She’d never been like this. She’d been brave, daring even. Now just a mere look
at AJ was making her crumble like a love-sick teenager.

  
He turned to face her on the couch, resting
his hands on her legs. How did he explain this to her, he wondered? He was
ashamed of himself for having to lie to her, even though in actuality he knew
he was only omitting parts of the story.

  
“Addie, I wish I could explain, but I can’t.
I don’t want to hurt you, I want to protect you. I want to keep you safe, see
you happy. I feel something for you, yes, although I don’t know what to say to
you other than it can’t happen. It won’t happen. Not right now and perhaps not
ever. It’s complicated, and I can’t talk about it. I just need you to back off.
There are millions of people on this earth and one of them is out there
especially for you. I want you to have that. You need to let whatever is
between you and I go.”

  
She looked lost, confused, and AJ felt
downtrodden for having to speak to her like that. It hadn’t even been a week,
and he couldn’t believe that he had feelings – intense feelings – like this,
when he’d never had them before. It wasn’t possible and he couldn’t grasp it.

  
“I don’t think I can let it go and be around
you still,” she whispered in a choked voice. “I can’t explain it. It’s
humiliating. And to see you next door every day and ponder
the
what
if’s, I don’t know what that will do to me.”

  
“Do you want me to leave?”

  
She was silent.

  
“Do you want me to leave town? I can go
somewhere else. There are plenty of places I can move to. Just say the word and
I’ll leave you alone.”

  
He wanted her to say no. He wanted to stay in
this town for at least a bit longer. He just didn’t want to hurt her anymore.
Still silence.

  
“I don’t want you to leave,” she whispered.
“I don’t want to see you either. I don’t know what I want. I want to not feel
like this. I want to not make mistakes in life. I want to give Rose a home she
deserves.”

  
“You will, Addie. Mistakes are a part of
life, parts that usually lead to better things. You need to believe in yourself
and believe you are worth more than people like Joseph have to offer. It
doesn’t matter how strong you think you are. You need to let people in. You’re
not going to end up like your mother.”

  
He regretted saying the words before he even
finished the sentence.

  
“What do you know about my mother?” she
asked, snapping to attention.

  
“A little.
Your Gram
told me about her.”

  
“What did she tell you?”

  
“Just about her growing up, going into the
hospital.”

  
“That’s an understatement. She abandoned me.
She was crazy as a loon and that’s probably where I’m
headin
’
in life.”

  
“Sometimes,” he said with resolution, “things
aren’t always what we make them out to be.”

  
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” she
whipped back.

  
“Nothing,” he replied. “It’s not my
business.”

  
“No, speak your mind. You’re my friend,
right?”

  
“It’s like I can see the train wreck and I’m
steering right for it,” he said. His mind was telling him to shut up. He
ignored it and pressed on. He’d gone this far and she was already mad at him.
Why not finish?

  
“Okay. What it means is, maybe if you open up
your mind a little about your mother you’ll see she wasn’t the monster you made
her out to be when you were a little girl. Maybe if you forgive her, you’ll
forgive yourself a bit.”

  
“I’ll take it into consideration.”

  
She stared straight ahead, her lips quivering
as she fought to hold back tears.

  
“Do you want to try and sleep?” AJ whispered,
his hands shaking a bit on her legs.

  
“Yes,” she replied, getting up from the
couch. She knew if she got any angrier, she’d begin to say things she’d regret.
He looked a little disheartened as she made her way towards the room. “I’ll be
fine. Night AJ.”

  
“Night Addie.”

  
He sat restlessly on the couch.

He
hadn’t cared about someone this much since his mother. As person after person
walked through the line at the wake, they gave their condolences and mentioned
how relieved he must be to have the burden of caretaking lifted off of his
shoulders. He found this reasoning most offensive. He would have given
everything he had to continue caring for her, as long as she wasn’t suffering.
Watching over her, making sure she was rested and taken care of – it had all
given him a purpose, a reason to continue with life and believe that something
better was coming. Her loss left a hole in his heart as well as his soul. She
was all he had growing up and to be alone in the world as a young adult without
her guidance seemed an impossible feat. She had always helped him choose the
right path and without her it seemed as all the roads in life were a bit darker
and harder to define.

  
He felt the same about Addie in a sense. The
same feelings overcame his soul as he stood in front of her trembling body on
the ground. To see her so frightened, so afraid of another human being, was a
humbling feeling. It reminded him how delicate people really are. It was as if
his heart was feeling everything she was and he could visibly touch the hurt
that she was undergoing. Her fear made him stronger, more intent to protect her
from anything that might cause her harm. He would have given up his life, he
realized, to protect her from Joseph. The realization would make keeping things
friendly that much more of a task.

  
He let his mind wander to a topic he never
had before. What if he gave in, he wondered? What if he stepped back, gave up
his abilities, and settled down into a life with her? It seemed an awfully
steep chance to take, as things could not work out and he’d be left with
nothing at all. No ability to heal, no one to love. The loneliness scared him
the most. He could deal with losing his gift and he could probably live with
never getting married, as long as he had friends. The fear of being completely
alone was what scared him.

  
He closed his eyes, thinking about Addie and replaying
every feature he had memorized from days of staring at her. If he gave
everything up, he could touch her. He could lift her chin with his hand, run
the other through her hair, gently pulling her head towards his while wrapping
his arm around her back to pull her closer, to feel her warmth against him. He
could fall asleep with her, every night, not withholding secrets or hiding his
strength. He could have a life.