The Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens (12 page)

10:34 P.M.

Amy and I talked in her room later. She brought up adoption with Ricky and he’s not crazy about it either. He thought Amy suggested it because she’s afraid Ricky will be like his father. I can see Ricky’s point. If someone assumed I took after my mom just because she’s my mom, I would die of embarrassment. Or mail some of her hair to another genetics lab.

I told her to stop worrying about Ricky and Ben because I’m getting a job. Amy isn’t buying it (even though she can’t really afford to buy anything right now anyway, ha-ha), but it’s what I’m going to do. The thought of getting out of this house sounds pretty great right now. I can’t even hang out in the garage without some weirdo lurking across the street. Might as well be somewhere else and making money while I’m there.

Mom came in and I let her and Amy talk, since they’re in the same boat. Not pregnancy- and divorce-wise, but life-changing-wise. I hope Mom doesn’t push adoption with Amy anymore. I feel like we have all been through so much lately, including the baby. And the baby seems to be handling things just fine, almost like he/she’s part of the family.

8:15 A.M.

Nobody in this family thinks I have any friends. Even Amy. I mention I’m visiting a friend after school and it’s all anyone can talk about at breakfast. I don’t see what the big deal is. I could have friends if I wanted, I’m just picky.

I used to be friends with this girl (who shall remain nameless) in second grade. She was new to the school and assigned to sit next to me. We became good friends and pretty soon we were inseparable. Then one day, out of the blue, she fell in with a new group and didn’t want anything to do with me. She told them all my secrets (I frequently sent my mom’s hair to a genetics lab for testing and had a secret crush on Rod Serling) and acted like I had
BO
whenever I was nearby. During our class picture we stood next to each other because of the height thing and right before the photographer took the picture I yanked her hair back. It’s my favorite class picture.

After this experience I decided to keep people at arm’s length. Your friends are a reflection of you. And with friends like Lauren and Madison, it wouldn’t hurt Amy to be picky either.

If you must know, the friend I went to see after school was Reverend Stone. I wanted to see how stopping my parents’ divorce was going and if he could add stopping Ricky’s dad from coming near our family to his to-do list. And maybe NedTed if he has time. But I didn’t want Mom and Dad to know where I’d been, so I said I was visiting a gender nonspecific friend. I made it sound like I was hanging out with a mannequin on the ninth floor of the department store after-hours. That’s one of my favorite
Twilight Zone
episodes, by the way.

I made it over to Reverend Stone’s church after school. It was a definite step up from Albertson’s, but it could do with a few less paintings of Jesus. I know it’s a church and everything, but everyone sees Jesus a different way, so why does he have to be a white male with blue eyes? And why must he look the same in every picture? There should be a bunch of blank canvases hanging around with an arrow pointing at the middle with the words insert your jesus here. That way it’s up to you and your imagination and no one gets offended. For example, my Jesus would look like Winona Ryder circa
Heathers
.

Jack showed up, which isn’t unusual since he’s Reverend Stone’s stepson. I should have asked him what it’s like living next to a church. You must feel guilty every time you look out your window.

Jack told me he likes the Jesus paintings. Of course he does. All he needs is a long wig and white robes and it’s him. That’s not art appreciation, that’s vanity. He said his dad was stuck in traffic and he could give me a ride home if I needed one, but I told him I’d stick around. I can visit my “friend” only so many times before my parents want to meet the gender nonspecific pronoun.

I told him Reverend Stone’s helping me stop my parents from getting divorced and another thing that has suddenly become a top priority. He just stood there and wouldn’t leave, a little like Henry except without the compliments. I told him I need to get rid of Ricky’s dad before my dad does it himself, so if he can call in a personal favor to (insert your jesus here) then that would be great, because Ricky’s dad just got out of prison and I’d like to keep my dad from going in.

Jack wondered what Ricky’s dad had done to get sent to prison. Since we were within church walls I told him Ricky’s dad had abused children. He wasn’t sure if his dad could help but wished me luck.

A woman showed up wanting to talk to Reverend Stone, too. She looked at the Jesus painting and said it reminded her of her ex-husband. Yet another awkward moment that could have been avoided with my insert your jesus here paintings. I’ll have to bring up that idea with Reverend Stone. Maybe we could start our own business and then I could make enough money for Amy to take care of her baby and for Mom and Dad to stop fighting. Problems solved, and I wouldn’t have to find a job after all.

I was surprised this woman was here to see Reverend Stone. She looked like she could take care of herself. Then again, so can I and I’m here to see him, too. Technically, I’m here for the other people in my life. I can’t do it all.

I told the woman Reverend Stone was stuck in traffic and she said that happens a lot with him. She told me her name was Veronica and she couldn’t stick around because she’s a cocktail waitress and needed to get to work. There’re not enough tips and they’re low on staff. Plus her Jesus ex-husband hasn’t been paying her the almighty dollar in child support. I told her I’m looking for a job if they’re hiring. She asked if I was twenty-one and according to Albertson’s I’m close enough, so I said yes. But I warned her I lack people skills and affection for alcohol. She hired me on the spot. Why was Amy making such a big deal out of this job thing? I got the first job I applied for and all it took was a little lying and a painting of Jesus.

4:30 P.M.

Veronica gave me a ride to work. She was really stressed out. Between work and her child and trying to see Reverend Stone, there wasn’t enough time for things like eating and sleeping. I didn’t want to bring up the fact that her car didn’t sound so hot and the check-engine light was on. I think she needs a new fan belt. Her troubles made me think things weren’t so bad at my house after all.

Veronica introduced me to everybody and got me set up with my uniform and locker in the back room, even though I didn’t have much to put in it. The nickname for my waitressing section was Heartbreak Hotel, because everyone who sits there just got their heart broken and likes to face the door to check out all the singles who walk in.

I kept my cell phone in my pocket in case Mom and Dad noticed I was still at my “friend’s” house and decided to check up on me. I got a text message from Jack saying he saw Ricky’s dad buying drugs and the police arrested him. I got a job and helped get Ricky’s dad arrested and out of our lives. Not bad for a first day’s work. Everyone seems lazy next to me. Speaking of that . . .

The job wasn’t hard at all. I wish I got more tips than compliments, but then again, it was my first day. I’d approach customers to take their orders, but they always asked, “And what’s your name?” Since I’m not a people person I’d cut them off if they got too chatty, which meant they ordered sooner, which led to me turning over the tables quicker.

Some people would start to tell me how their boyfriend/girlfriend dumped/cheated on them and how they were lonely/sad/confused. So I would tell them about my fifteen-year-old sister who is pregnant and newly married to her boyfriend who isn’t the father and how her baby daddy’s father was just sent back to prison and my parents are getting divorced because my dad had an affair with my sister’s baby daddy’s girlfriend’s mother. That always shut them up and they ordered more drinks in order to try to make sense out of what I just said. I was on a roll until I realized my next customer was my dad.

I ran away and crouched down behind the bar. Veronica came over to see if I was all right. I was doing fine until my dad leaned over the bar and saw me. What’s he doing out of the garage anyway? I was having such a good first day of work!

He immediately dragged me to his table to talk, which wasn’t going to help my turnover rate at all. I told him I was working to help Amy support the baby. He said it’s Amy’s job to support the baby and she feels the best way to do that is to give it up for adoption. I told Dad that was my point. I don’t want Amy to give the baby up for adoption. I know my dad feels the same way about the situation, but it’s not his baby either. He told me he knows where I’m coming from but my waitressing tips don’t belong to me because I’m too young to work there and I should give my money to Veronica, which I did. When I was collecting my stuff from my locker, I told her she should use the money to get a new fan belt.

Then Dad called Mom to come pick me up, so I eavesdropped while my dad and Leo talked about getting rid of Ricky’s dad. I didn’t want my dad to know I had been to see Reverend Stone earlier, so I couldn’t say anything about Ricky’s dad being arrested. Thankfully, Leo didn’t think they should handle the Bob situation themselves. The Sausage King has a good head on his shoulders, just like Ben. He should hang out with my dad more often. Maybe stop by the garage sometime for a beer and to watch the game.

6:20 P.M.

Amy sent me and Dad a text message saying, “
IT’S A BOY
!” A nephew. I’m so relieved I don’t have to refer to him as he/she/him/her anymore. I’m going to be an aunt to a little boy. I’m so glad it’s a boy and not a girl. This family doesn’t need any more girls; it’s drowning in estrogen as it is.

Wait a minute. What am I talking about? This little boy will be going home with another family. A family that probably won’t have an awesome aunt like me or a mother like Amy or crazy grandparents like my mom and dad.

Why does it seem like all the happy news around here immediately turns sad?

I looked over at Veronica, who was busing tables and picking up what little tips people left behind. Here’s a woman who was making ends meet without the support of her baby’s father, with a car that barely works, a reverend who keeps missing appointments, and a job that doesn’t even provide a decent paycheck. All for her child.

Amy needs to stop thinking about “poor Amy.”

5:36 P.M.

I walked into Amy’s room looking for a fight. I admit it. Sometimes you need a good fight. With all the pressure building up inside me, I’d rather explode of my own free will than somewhere unexpected. Which can sometimes happen when you’re at, say, church and the pastor gives a certain sermon on movies and the corruption of youth and it really rubs you the wrong way and you yell out “Liar!” Yeah, it happened. It wasn’t Reverend Stone’s church but it was one we used to go to until we were kicked out due to my vocal participation. My dad thought it was hilarious and yelled out, “Yeah, what she said!” but my mom and Amy were mortified.

So in order to save Amy from further mortification she was going to help me vent on my terms. At her. And I did have a reason to be angry with her.

But when I walked in and saw her reflection in the mirror, Amy disappeared and all I saw was a pregnant girl. Can I fight with a pregnant girl? Is that allowed? Lord knows that kid’s going to need a little fight in him with the last name Juergens, but I’m not sure he should learn to fight in the womb. But that doubt all changed as soon as I saw the pregnant girl trying on clothes. It confirmed what I suspected, so I called her out on her behavior. Because the pregnant girl was, after all, still Amy.

I asked if she was interested in Ricky. Ricky’s supposed to come over tonight to talk and Amy seemed to be taking a long time picking out what she was going to wear. A little too long.

I must have walked by her room five times and seen five different outfits: peasant blouse, sweater, and jeans; blue dress, scarf, and tights; short-sleeve shirt over a long-sleeve shirt and jeans; long sleeve shirt, vest, shorts, and tights and oversized sweater and jeans.

And when I came in she had on yet another outfit. Amy’s done this type of thing before. If she’s going somewhere and knows a boy she likes is going to be there, she spends a long time trying on clothes in front of the mirror. She was like this when packing for band camp and when she first started dating Ben, and she hasn’t moved away from that mirror since she found out Ricky’s coming over. That’s my case, Your Honor, the prosecution rests. A slam dunk if you ask me, but no one ever does.

She told me she’s not interested in Ricky, she has to meet with him so he can agree to the adoption and then she can start interviewing couples.

I really hate this whole adoption thing. I don’t want her to give my nephew away. What if he turns out to be the only normal one here besides me? We’re just going to give him away instead of trying to balance out the crazy in this family? That makes no sense. We should all be giving this some serious thought. My dream is to someday have my own peanut gallery and he could be my #2. My nephew needs to stay in this house so he can take my side on things.

I asked what would happen if Ricky didn’t agree to the adoption. Amy said life would be over and she’d embrace teen motherhood. Dramatics are definitely not lacking in this situation, so I told her to stop it. She’s not the only pregnant teenager to ever exist.

I tried bringing up responsibility with her but it came out wrong. I mean, it came out right at the time, but looking back on it now it was the wrong thing to say. I said if she had been responsible six months ago—and then she didn’t even let me finish. She pushed me down to the floor and pinned me.

This is what I wanted, right? To have it out? I admit she took me down a lot faster than I expected. I could have fought her off, but she’s pregnant so it wasn’t a fair fight. She just repeated that she’s trying to do the right thing by meeting with Ricky. I didn’t want to tell her that repeating something doesn’t automatically make it right. She already had me pinned. She let me up after I stopped struggling. I find when people overreact to something you’ve said that usually means you’re right on some level.

I helped her up but stood my ground. I said she does need to meet with Ricky, but she doesn’t need to meet with Ricky
ALONE
. I wanted her to admit she was a little interested in him, but she said she wasn’t. I didn’t think she was being honest with me and felt someone needed to stick up for Ben. Ben’s a good guy and cares about Amy and the baby.

But Amy seemed ready to explode and I felt if I continued to ask her about Ricky it would have led to another takedown. The kitchen was safer. Mom and Dad were in there, but all they do is argue. They don’t pin each other down . . . except when they’re in the garage. . . . Why am I even going there?!

Mom was making appetizers in the kitchen for Amy and Ricky’s adoption meeting. Why doesn’t she throw in candles, a bottle of wine, and some music while she’s at it? Is this a date or a discussion? I spotted stuffed mushrooms, which means Mom’s really pulling out all the stops to get Ricky to agree to this adoption. She makes stuffed mushrooms only for faculty meetings when she’s brought in to discuss something I did at school. I know you enjoy them, Principal Miller.

She said she was meeting with Reverend Stone about potential adoptive parents. Brian better help me tonight like he promised in the garage, otherwise I’ll make sure his “Reverend” title is revoked.

Mom told me not to chaperone the evening, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be listening in anyway. I could listen near the kitchen so if anybody left the room suddenly I could run in there, or I could listen by the family room and run to my room if anybody came around the corner, or I could listen in the hallway between the living room and the kitchen and pretend I was just passing through if anyone saw me. I’m going to go with that last one.

I told Mom Amy might try to tackle Ricky like she did me. She could take him, too, trust me. Mom immediately asked what I had said to get tackled. She had the same reaction as when I yelled out during the sermon. It was all my fault and not the pastor’s. People tend to forget ministers, pastors, and reverends aren’t perfect. If they were, they’d be, well, Jesus. I know Reverend Stone would agree with me on this. That’s why I like Brian.

I told Mom I was tackled because I don’t approve of this adoption. And heaven help anyone who doesn’t agree with someone else in this family. As usual, she sided with Amy and said I need to support her and her decisions. But I feel I should have a say when her decisions affect the whole family, including a member who’s on his way and can’t speak for himself.

There was a knock at the door but it was Ben, not Ricky. So there would be a chaperone after all. I bet he’s afraid Amy’s interested in Ricky, too. Poor guy. I hope he didn’t bring his squeaky voice tonight.

Amy wasn’t as happy to see Ben as I was. And when Ricky got there he immediately said he didn’t want the baby to be adopted, so it looked like there might not be a meeting after all. Ricky didn’t mind Ben staying, so Amy was outnumbered. I didn’t feel like getting tackled again, so I took some of Mom’s appetizers and hid in the hall by the stairs where I could still hear everyone. The apps were pretty good, I must admit. I didn’t get a chance to try the stuffed mushrooms, though.

Amy told Ricky if he doesn’t want the baby to be adopted, then he should take the baby. Then Amy can have a life and Ricky can have the baby.

Umm, excuse me? I don’t want anyone but Amy to have the baby. I hope this is a negotiating tactic.

Ricky told her he didn’t want to get a job and drop out of school. Amy asked Ricky what he is willing to do to raise their son. Ricky didn’t say anything.

Wait, does he even know Amy’s having a boy?

Wow, she hadn’t told him yet. Ben knew but Ricky didn’t. Ouch. That should make Ben feel pretty good, though.

Ricky said his son would be better off with two adults instead of the two of them, but he doesn’t know how to fix the situation. Ben doesn’t either. Amy just told them to talk it over and let her know what they decide. I’m liking the game Amy is playing here. It looks like besides a baby, she’s finally growing a backbone.

That was close. Amy left the room and I had to run into the bathroom with the appetizer tray. I couldn’t hear as well but was able to rest the tray more comfortably on my lap. It was a cold seat but still a seat.

It was pretty difficult to make out what Ricky and Ben were talking about. I decided I should find Amy and talk to her. I set down the tray of appetizers in the bathtub and found her in her room.

She seemed disappointed when she turned and saw me at the door and not Ben or Ricky. She asked what I wanted, and I told her I’d been listening to everything that was happening in the living room. She looked like she wanted to tackle me again, but I said I was listening because I care about what’s going on and I know she does, too, and neither of us is happy with the way things are going right now. She said I was right but she didn’t know what to do. That’s why she left. I told her she must be kidding, because I don’t know why anyone would let two guys make an important decision like that. Especially when one of them is Ricky. She smiled a little at that but didn’t say anything.

I told her she needs to be the hub of this operation because, let’s face it, she is already and without her leading it everything falls apart. She can’t just walk away from things. Not with a baby. She knew I was right. Not because she told me, but because she got up and went back into the living room. I ran back into the bathroom and found a very cold appetizer tray. It didn’t matter, because things had fallen apart in the living room.

Ben and Ricky hadn’t come up with much. By the time Amy walked back in the room Ben was leaving and telling Amy the decision was really up to her and Ricky.

Wait, what? Ben was supposed to argue against adoption! Come back!

7:38 P.M.

I was in the kitchen when Mom got home. I gave her the update. Ricky and Amy fought, Ricky and Ben fought, and Ben and Amy fought. It’s the same old song and dance except this time with appetizers. Nothing got solved because no one wants a baby and now Ben won’t answer Amy’s phone calls.

Then Mom accused me of telling her this so she and Dad would get back together and take care of Amy’s baby. She suggested I meet with Reverend Stone a few more times in order to learn something.

Brian, you have failed me and ratted me out in the process. I wonder if she knows about all our meetings. Since I had missed him at his office the first time, I paid another visit to Reverend Stone the other day. I told my parents I was seeing a showing of
The Grapes of Wrath,
since I was reading it for school. In reality Reverend Stone and I were catching a screening of
Life of Brian
. Before the movie started I suggested that when he meets with Mom maybe he shouldn’t be so enthusiastic about the adoptive couples he found. Hopefully then Mom would decide Amy should keep the baby and then she and Dad would decide to stay together. . . . I also mentioned my idea for
INSERT YOUR JESUS HERE
. Reverend Stone was intrigued and said he’d think about it. I’m having it copyrighted just in case.

Back to the broken record also known as my mother. She told me I need to accept the way things are around here: divorce, adoption, and me being too young to have a say in any of it. Only she has a say in what’s best for me. And then I said something back to her. . . . I don’t even remember what it was. I just said it to say it so she wouldn’t have the last word. And unlike Amy or Ricky or Ben, I don’t just leave in the middle of things. I like to stay and be the last one standing. Usually Mom runs off frustrated, like Amy, but this time she didn’t move or look away. She had reached her breaking point and now it was all coming down on me.

She said I can’t talk to her like that anymore. She knows I’m in pain but so is the whole family. She’s sorry she can’t make it better but that’s the way things are. And the way I talk to her has to stop. I apologized, because deep down I know I deserved this speech. And she’s right . . . I am hurting. I’m hurting because all this stuff is happening around me and no matter what I try or do or say, I can’t fix any of it. Everything keeps moving forward and I say the things I say because I’m angry and want everything to stop. And I want to be heard. I just didn’t know Mom was hearing something else this whole time. I always want a reaction but this isn’t the response I wanted. I have to keep reminding myself that as much as I’m hurting, it’s nothing compared to what Amy, Mom, and Dad are going through. Mom gave me a hug and I told her she’s an idiot, but only because I was the one who felt like an idiot. Old habits are hard to break, okay?

From now on when I feel the need to say something that might hurt Mom’s feelings, I’m going to bite my tongue and write it in my journal. Starting now:

*Mom, if you had followed all of this advice you’ve been giving Amy about taking responsibility, maybe Dad wouldn’t have cheated on you.*

9:13 P.M.

I overheard Amy on the phone later with Ricky. She told him as far as their son goes, they are doing things her way. I was pretty impressed. It seems that besides a backbone she also grew a pair. But my admiration quickly subsided when I realized this meant Amy was going to give my nephew up for adoption. What would have made that speech even better is if Amy had told Mom she’s doing things her way, which means she isn’t giving my nephew up for adoption. I didn’t have the right to be upset with her decision. She was just taking the advice I had given her earlier.