The Secret Diary of Ashley Juergens (11 page)

8:01 P.M.

Mom did eventually talk to me about my role in Weddinggate. She cornered me in the bathroom the other morning. I swear, I’m either waiting to get into the bathroom while Amy’s in there (she cuts in front of me now and says “I’m pregnant” if I start to get upset) or someone barges in while I’m using it. It’s a lose/lose situation. But that’s the Juergens family
MO
these days.

Mom told me I might think I’m helping by not telling her about things like the baby and the wedding, but I’m only making things harder for everyone, especially Amy. She needs to know what’s going on so she can help. So if anything else should come up (and right here she took a deep breath), then I need to tell her right away. I just nodded and said okay, but I’m not sure if I meant it. And for the record, I didn’t think I was helping everyone by keeping things from Mom. I’m as overwhelmed by this as everyone else. The reason I didn’t say anything was simple.

I didn’t know what else to do.

9:17 P.M.

We were visited by Reverend Stone tonight. His son, Jack, goes to school with Amy, so of course he knows about the whole pregnancy thing. I remember Jack from Amy and Ben’s wedding reception. Not only because of his many sad attempts to raise the roof, but because he came with Alice, and seemed to pay more attention to Grace, who went to the reception with Ricky. Is it any wonder I like doing things alone? Look at what happens when you get involved with people. Love triangles don’t even exist anymore. Only love octagons. And don’t even get me started on how all this affected the women’s restroom the other night. Every time I had to pee there was some discussion going on between Grace and Adrian, Alice and herself, and Lauren and Madison. I can’t comment on the men’s restroom, but all the guys seemed like they spent a little too much time in there, too.

Reverend Stone also thought I was Amy. (Do I look pregnant or something? Why does everyone think I’m Amy?) At first I thought he was here to perform an actual legal wedding, but he only came by to introduce himself. I’m sure he’s heard from, well, everyone that our family needs help. He wanted to come in and talk, but Dad brushed him off. Mom took his card, but I’m not sure if it was to be polite or not.

I’m usually wary of people who make a living commenting on other people’s lives from the outside.

I did make an exception in this case. Our family is at threat level red. I caught up with him outside and invited him to talk in Dad’s garage living room. I was still skeptical. After all, I’ve been to his church. His sermons are okay, but it takes more than okay to keep my mind from drifting. I noticed during his sermon on sex before marriage that he kept looking at Jack and Grace. And that was only when Grace’s parents (who always bookend the lovely couple when sitting in church) weren’t looking at Jack and Grace. They can stare at them with those burning retinas all they want. Those two are totally going to do it before marriage.

I bet you’re asking how come I didn’t see the same thing happening with Amy. I wish I could tell you. I blame it on the moon and the tides and the position of band camp in regard to our planetary alignment. That kind of stuff causes people to act in a way they normally wouldn’t. They should switch camp activities to nighttime and have everyone sleep during the day. That way if anything does go on, at least they’ll have enough light to see it and stop it before it goes too far.

I was wrong about Reverend Stone not living life. He’s lived it, all right. He used to be a drug abuser and lost a son. He’s also been divorced, so he could definitely help Mom and Dad out in that area. He told me he likes how I question everything. Mom and Dad hate it. Again, another thing he could help Mom and Dad with. He’s also seen the movie
Life of Brian.
That really surprised me, especially since it led to his calling to become a reverend. I’ve seen it, too, but it didn’t change my life. I just thought it was really funny.

It’s always weird to picture some people having a life before you met them or outside of how you know them. Like when you see a teacher shopping at the market. It’s strange. You just know them from the classroom. You don’t picture them ever going home or buying food. They disappear into the teacher’s lounge after school and then reemerge sometime in the morning. I don’t know where they go, but I never imagine it’s to their homes. And I can’t even imagine where you go, Principal Miller. It must be because we spend too much time chatting in that office of yours.

When I was six and Amy was eight our dad took us to the school carnival and he ran into a woman he knew who had a son about our age. They talked about boring stuff like the weather and his furniture business and then we pulled him away so we could ride the Ferris wheel. When she was gone we asked him who that woman was. He told us she was someone he “used to be engaged to.” Amy and I couldn’t believe there had been someone before Mom. This was before we even knew Dad had been married to Grace Bowman’s mom before our mom. Why are men always so busy? We asked Dad what happened and he said it didn’t work out, but kept stressing she was completely fine with it. If you’re trying that hard to convince two kids you’re right, well, I don’t think you’re so sure you’re right. He doth protest too much.

Of course, when we got home we asked Mom for the real story. She told us it had happened when Dad was very young and he realized it was the wrong decision and called off the wedding at the last minute. And by last minute she meant they had already had the engagement party, had received most of the wedding gifts, and Dad’s fiancée had bought her wedding dress. Dad tried to make it up to her by furnishing her new apartment after she moved out, but it took her a while to forgive him. He should have given her a better discount.

This made me think back to how he must have felt when he walked into Amy and Ben’s reception. Obviously I know he wasn’t happy at the time, but he must have felt sad that Amy had gotten “married” so young when he had almost done the same thing. Déjà vu through your daughter must be really strange. No wonder he didn’t want to tell Mom about it.

My point is parents are included with reverends and teachers in the whole “you can’t picture them having a life before you knew them” category. And if you try to bring it up and ask questions, they’ll probably just tell you their life actually
DID
start when they had you. That’s such an easy out. It usually means they had a wild time before you came along and don’t want to tell you about it because they’re worried you’ll copy them. Try it. Trust me. Just go around them and ask another relative for the real story. My go-to is usually Mimsy.

Back to Reverend Stone. He hadn’t come to talk about himself, even though that came up. He heard about Amy and Ben’s fake wedding and came by to see if there was anything he could do. I brought up my parents’ marriage because that felt like more of a crisis, since their marriage is actually legal. I told Reverend Stone I don’t want my parents to get divorced and asked for his help. He mentioned doing his life’s work and being sober was about as good as life could get, so I told him, “Great, then do your life’s work and help me.” I think Mom and Dad staying together would be as good as things could get for me right now.

He said Mom and Dad seemed unhappy. Gee, really? I bet he could hear them fighting and bickering from down the street. Couples aren’t happy all the time, so it didn’t make sense when he told me my parents are probably getting divorced so they’ll be happier. I told him that wouldn’t matter because then I wouldn’t be happy. I know you think I’m selfish for saying that, but I can’t help it. All I’ve been doing these past few months is trying to help Amy and keep Mom and Dad happy so our family stays together. I want everything to work out the way I want it to for once. And I need help. After everything that’s happened, is that so wrong?

Reverend Stone said he’d see what he could do. You don’t hear that very much from people. Usually they just say they can’t and leave. I liked Reverend Stone for that. Or Brian, as I secretly call him. But if he thinks I won’t be sitting in church burning him with my own retinas until he saves my parents’ marriage, then he’s probably delusional enough to think Jack and Grace will wait until marriage to have sex.

After he left I stayed in the garage. Mom and Dad were still arguing about money and Dad’s couch is comfortable. I had a pretty view of the neighborhood and it was nice and quiet. Until Amy came home. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was just hanging out. She decided to hang out with me and share her problems. If only Reverend Stone had stuck around, he would have gotten an earful. Being a good listener is his life’s calling, not mine.

Amy earned $20 from babysitting, so I asked her how much it costs to have a baby. She threw out a vague answer of “thousands,” so I did a little research later and broke it down:

Amy’s babysitting money from tonight: $20.

Only $1,495.00 to go.

Whoops, I almost forgot about therapy for the baby, once he/she opens his/her eyes and realizes the insanity of it all: $750 a month.

So it’s
REALLY
$2,245 a month.

And this is all calculated with a healthy baby in mind!

Wow. I can see why money causes problems. Mom still thinks Dad is hiding all of their money so she can’t get any in the divorce. But why would Dad want to live in the garage if he didn’t have to? It’s nice hanging out in here once in a while, but I don’t know about sleeping here. Just to be safe, after Dad left for work this morning I snuck into the garage and checked the couch and removed all the cushions. No hidden money.

Our talk about how much a baby costs was really getting to Amy because when you’re pregnant, that’s when you need money, but being pregnant makes it difficult for people to hire you and she really needs the insurance. Amy brought up starting her own business, but that won’t get her insurance and you need money to start a business, and any money she gets now goes to the baby. Which leads me to ask what exactly is Amy qualified to do? Give French horn lessons, speak about abstinence, and babysit? As far as I know these jobs don’t pay very much and don’t come with health insurance.

I know she doesn’t like talking about Ricky, but he is the father and the father shares in the financial responsibility. So I asked her how much Ricky is going to contribute. She hadn’t really thought about it and of course had to call Ben to ask what he thought about it. It’s kind of funny Amy thinks Ricky is stepping on Ben’s toes in this situation. Ricky’s the dad, not Ben. But Ben wants to be thought of as the father and doesn’t want Amy to call Ricky about financially supporting the baby. So Amy hung up the phone with the same problem.

That’s when I stepped in.

I volunteered to get a job. How hard can it be? You just show them you’re not a complete idiot, start at the bottom, work your way up and then you get an assistant. Amy seemed skeptical and said it’s not as easy as it looks. How would she know? She hasn’t put much effort into job hunting and besides . . . I’m not pregnant.

I had a lemonade stand last summer. My neighbor Steven tried to compete with me by opening another one up across the street and charging less. Partners in the Protest Against Parents, enemies in business. So what did I do? I stayed open twenty-four hours a day and made sure each glass of lemonade was top quality—thanks to NedTed I got only the best lemons. I sent out an e-mail announcing all proceeds were going to the
AJLS
Fund. I still can’t believe no one figured out it stood for Ashley Juergens’s Lemonade Stand. I also spread a rumor about Steven’s lemon supplier (I said his lemons weren’t real lemons but a lemon and lime hybrid, and therefore his lemonade could be classified as limeade) and got a nice write-up in the Better Business Bureau. To top things off, I also had a tip jar. Steven was forced to shut down a week later. I closed my operation not long after his. I like going out on top and besides, my mom wasn’t happy with my hours. Instead of his morning coffee, I would hand my dad his morning lemonade when he walked down the driveway to get the paper. My point is I have drive—enough drive to find a job.

At this time in the night I was getting tired of garage living. And there was a creepy guy parked across the street (not NedTed), who seemed to think we were having an unsuccessful nighttime garage sale. Must be because my dad still hasn’t removed the sale tags from the furniture.

Amy wanted to go in right away. The stranger saw us looking at him and got out of his car. I’m used to the neighbors staring, but I don’t like when strangers stare.

One time when I was little, I was playing in the front yard and a guy pulled up and asked if I wanted to get in his car and go somewhere. I told him I’d have to ask my parents first, and ran inside and did just that. Needless to say by the time my parents came outside he was gone. When you’re older and that happens it’s called getting asked out. And parents still get upset about it.

Turns out the stranger was Ricky’s dad, Bob, who freaked Amy out even more, but I don’t know why. I’ve never seen her so scared. She lowered the garage door and we ran inside.

Mom and Dad went outside and talked to him. He’d heard about Amy’s situation and wanted to help pay, since Ricky’s the father. Dad immediately took a liking to him. Ricky’s dad also said Ricky likes to tell lies about him, but it’s only to cover up Ricky’s mistakes. He gave Dad his information and left. Amy told our parents Ricky’s dad sexually abused him when he was younger. Dad seemed unsure Ricky was telling the truth, but Mom didn’t think a child could lie about something like that. She threw the “adoption” word out again and Amy jumped on board right away. My dad (wait for it) didn’t agree. He wants his grandchild around and in our lives. I know I’ve joked before about adoption, but I don’t want the baby adopted. As usual, I’m on Dad’s side.