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the State service, within reasonable limits, of course. While I rule everyone is regarded as equal as human beings, whether Roman, Greek, black or white. So I tolerate Jews too.� I rose and looked suitably sorrowful and embarrassed. �If that were all, then I should not hesitate to introduce my wife to you and my friends,� I said, �but she is descended from slaves too. Her parents were poor freedmen of Claudius� mother, Antonia, that is, your grandmother in some ways. That�s why she�s called Claudia. You must see why I am ashamed of her. Perhaps that�s why Antonia wanted to give the boy some cheap jewelry in memory of her grandmother. It was my wife who wanted him to be called Antonianus. �But still,� I went on, trembling with excitement and anger, �that will, which came as a complete surprise to me, is just an attack of Antonia�s boundless ill-will, to bring me under suspicion. She knew I had denounced Scevinus, Piso and the others, although she could not have known that for your safety and driven by my conscience I should be forced to denounce her as well. In truth, I do not regret that in the slightest.� Nero frowned thoughtfully and I saw that his distrust had again been aroused. �I�d better confess at once that I have a certain interest in the Jewish faith,� I said quickly. �That�s no crime, even if it is not suitable to a man in my position. Such things are best left to women. But my wife is intolerably stubborn. She�s always forcing me to go to the Julius synagogue. Other Romans do that too. Its members shave, dress like ordinary people and go to the theater.� Nero went on staring gloomily at me. �Your explanation might be true,� he said, �but it is very unfortunate that Antonia witnessed this codicil over six months ago. She could not have had any idea then that you would appear as a simple informer of the Pisonian conspiracy.� I realized I should have to confess even more. I was prepared for this, though naturally I had tried to avoid it at first so as not to arouse Nero�s suspicions by my sudden candor. He always believed that everyone was hiding something from him. I stared at the floor and scraped my feet on the mosaic portraying Mars and Venus embracing one another, entangled in Vulcan�s
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copper net, which I thought most appropriate for the occasion. I rubbed my hands together and struggled for words. �Tell me everything,� Nero said sharply. �Otherwise I�ll have your brand-new boots removed from you. The Senate would like that, as you know.� �My lord,� I cried, �I am putting my trust in your magnanimity and sensitivity! Keep my shameful secret to yourself, and please don�t mention it to my wife under any circumstances. Her jealousy is intolerable. She is of that age and I do not really understand how I became entangled with her.� Nero soon realized that a juicy tidbit was coming and he licked his lips. �It is said that Jewesses have special qualities in bed,� he said. �Naturally you have also found her Jewish connections useful. You can�t deceive me. I promise nothing. Tell me.� �In her ambitious way,� I stammered, �my wife had the idea that we should invite Antonia when we were giving our son his name, and in the presence of witnesses I took him on my knee and acknowledged him.� �As you once acknowledged Lausus,� remarked Nero jokingly. �But go on.� �I did not imagine that Antonia would come,� I said, �even for a nephew of one of her grandmother�s freedmen. But at that time she had little company and needed a change. For decency�s sake she brought Rubria with her, the Vestal, who, I might mention in passing, became drunk during the evening. I can only believe that Antonia had heard something favorable about me and out of curiosity wished to meet me, though perhaps she was already looking for friends and supporters for her future aims. When she had drunk quite a bit of wine, she led me to understand that I was welcome to her home on Palatine, but preferably without my wife.� Nero flushed and he leaned forward to hear better. �I am sufficiently conceited to have felt honored by her invitation,� I went on, �though I thought it was due to the wine or some other cause. But I went there one evening and she received me with unexpected friendliness. No, my lord, I daren�t go on.� �Don�t be shy,� said Nero. �I know about some of your visits to her. They are said to have lasted through to the morning. In fact
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I wondered slightly whether your son could have been borne by Antonia. But I gather he is already seven months old. And everyone knows Antonia was as scraggy as an old cow.� Blushing furiously, I admitted that Antonia had shown me considerable hospitality in her bed, too, and had become so attached to me that she wished to see more of me, although because of my wife I was very frightened that such a relationship might be discovered. But perhaps I had satisfied Antonia�s needs so well that she wished to remember my son in her will when she could not leave me anything for reasons of decency. Nero laughed and slapped his knees. �The old tart!� he shouted. �Well, well, she lowered herself to go with you, did she? But you weren�t the only one. Believe it or not, she tried with me once when I happened to caress her a bit. I was drunk of course, but I remember her sharp nose and thin lips as she hung around my neck and tried to kiss me. After that she spread an absurd story that I had proposed to her. Piso�s necklace says enough of her depravity. She probably slept with slaves too, if there was nothing better within reach. So you were good enough too.� I could not help clenching my fists, but I managed to keep my mouth shut. �Statila Messalina is very pleased with Piso�s necklace,� said Nero. �She even has her nipples painted the same color as those blood rubies.� Nero was so delighted with his own ingenuity that I felt the worst danger was over. He grew cheerful and relieved, but it was peculiar to his sense of humor that he wished to punish me for my secrets in some way that would make me look foolish all over the city. He thought for a moment. �Naturally,� he then said, �I should like to meet your wife and see for myself that she is a Jewess. And I should also like to question the witnesses who were present when your son received his name. They are Jews too, I suppose. I�ll make inquiries at the Julius Caesar synagogue to see how faithful you have been there. Meanwhile you can do me the service of having yourself circumcised, just to simplify matters. Your wife will be pleased about that. I think it�s just and reasonable that you should be punished on the part of the body with which you have violated my half sister.
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Be thankful that I�m in a good mood and am letting you off lightly.� I was appalled and degraded myself by begging him not to insult me so terribly. But I myself had put my head into the noose. Nero was all the more delighted when he saw my horror, and put his hand consolingly on my shoulder. �It�ll be a good thing to have someone who is circumcised in the Senate, looking after the interests of the Jews, for then they won�t have to have others going behind my back any longer. Go now and see that it is done. Then bring your wife here with the witnesses, and come yourself if you can walk. I want to see that you�ve obeyed my order myself.� I had to go home and tell Claudia and the two witnesses, who were waiting in fear and trembling for my return, that we were to meet in the reception room of the Golden Palace in a short while. Then I went to the Praetorian camp to talk to a field surgeon who verbosely informed me that he could do the little operation without the slightest difficulty. During his service in Africa, he had performed it on many legionaries and centurions who had wearied of the eternal inflammations caused by sand. He still had the tube that was needed. For the sake of my reputation I did not wish to be treated by the Jews. In this I made a big mistake, for they would have been incomparably more skillful. I courageously endured the field surgeon�s dirty tube and blunt knife, but the wound healed badly and soon festered, so that for a long time I lost all desire even to look at a woman. I have never really been myself again since then, although some women have seemed very inquisitive about my scarred organ. I am only human, but I think their pleasure was greater than mine. This has had the advantage of helping me to live a reasonably virtuous life. I am not ashamed to talk about this, for everyone knows about Nero�s cruel joke at my expense and I have a nickname because of it, which I shall not mention for decency�s sake. But your mother had no idea what to expect of Nero, however much I had tried to prepare her for her part. When I returned from the Praetorian camp, limping and deathly white, Claudia did not even ask what was wrong with me, but simply thought I feared
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Nero�s wrath. Both the Jewish Christians were also very frightened, of course, however much I tried to encourage them and remind them of the gifts I had promised them. Nero needed only to take one look at Claudia. �A Jewish hag,� he shouted at once. �I can see that from her eyebrows and her thick lips, not to mention her nose. She�s got gray hair too. The Jews go gray young because of some Egyptian curse, I�ve heard say. It�s amazing that she could have had a child at that age. But they breed, the Jews.� Claudia trembled with rage, but remained silent for your sake. Then both the Jews swore on sacred oaths of the temple in Jerusalem that they knew Claudia�s origins and that she was a Jewess, born of Jewish parents but of an especially respected Jewish family whose ancestors had come to Rome as slaves in the time of Pompey. Antonia had honored my son�s naming with her presence and allowed him to be called Antonianus in memory of her grandmother. This interrogation lulled Nero�s suspicions. Both the Christian Jews had in fact committed perjury, but I had chosen them because they belonged to a certain Christian sect which for some reason believed that Jesus of Nazareth had forbidden all kinds of oaths. They held to their beliefs and said that they were committing a sin by taking an oath so that it did not make any difference whether the oath were true or false. They were sacrificing themselves by taking this oath for the sake of my son, in the hope that Jesus of Nazareth would forgive them because of their good intentions. But Nero would not have been Nero if he had not glanced at me with a humorous glint in his eye and said, �My dear Domina Claudia, or Serenissima I should say, since your husband, despite all his abominations, has managed to acquire his purple boots. Well, Domina Claudia, I suppose you know that your husband took this opportunity to have a secret relationship with my unfortunate half sister, Antonia. I have witnesses to the fact that night after night they fornicated together in a summerhouse in her garden. I was forced to keep an eye on her so that she did not cause a scandal with her depravity.� Claudia blanched when she heard this. She must have realized from my expression that Nero was telling the truth. She herself
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had persecuted me with her chatter until I had succeeded in throwing dust in her eyes by explaining that I was taking part in the Pisonian conspiracy, whose meetings were held at night. Claudia raised her hand and slapped my face so that the sound echoed. I humbly turned the other cheek as Jesus of Nazareth says one should do, and Claudia raised her other hand and split my eardrum on that side. I have been a little deaf ever since. Then she burst out into such a flood of invective that I could hardly believe that it came from her mouth. I should say that I was more successful in following the teaching of Christ than she was, by sensibly keeping silent. Claudia hurled such a downpour of crude curses on both myself and the dead Antonia that Nero had to stop her. Nothing but good of the dead, he reminded her. For the sake of her own health, Claudia should remember that Antonia was Nero�s own half sister and so he could not allow others to speak ill of her. To appease Claudia and appeal to her compassion, I flung up my mantle, raised my tunic and showed her the bloodstained bandage about my organ, telling her that I had endured punishment enough for my faults. Nero forced me to undo the bandage, painful as this was, so that he could see for himself that I had not tried to deceive him by winding a bloodstained cloth around an uninjured organ. �Are you really so stupid,� he said after looking at it, �that you rushed straight off and had yourself circumcised? I was only joking and regretted what I had said after you had gone. But I must admit that you faithfully obey my orders, Minutus.� Claudia was not sorry for me. Indeed, she clapped her hands together and praised Nero for finding a punishment which she would never have dreamed of thinking up. For me it was punishment enough to be married to Claudia. I think she has never forgiven me for being unfaithful to her with Antonia. She has nagged at me about this for years, when a reasonable woman would have forgotten such a temporary lapse by her husband. Nero considered the matter was now closed and after sending Claudia and the two Jews away, went on to talk of other things without the slightest sympathy for me. �As you know, the Senate has decided on thank-offerings for the exposure of the conspiracy,� he began. �I myself have decided
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to build Ceres a temple which befits her. The other one was burned by the cursed Christian fire-raisers and I haven�t had time to plan a new one, as my hands are full with the rebuilding of Rome. But the cult center of Ceres has been on Aventine since time immemorial. I have not been able to find a large enough site there, so to restore our mutual confidence and set seal on our friendship, I�m sure you�d be willing to present your house and garden on Aventine to Ceres. It�s the best possible place. Don�t be surprised if the slaves have already begun to pull down the house when you get home. The matter is urgent and I was sure of your approval.� In this way Nero forced me to give him the Manilianus� old family house without the slightest compensation. I could not summon up any overwhelming joy over this favor, for I knew he would take the honor on himself and not even mention my name when the temple was dedicated. Bitterly I asked him where he thought I was going to put my bed and my possessions in the present housing shortage. �Of course,� said Nero. �I hadn�t thought of that. But your father�s, or rather Tullia�s, house is still empty. I haven�t been able to sell it because it is haunted.� I replied that I was not going to spend huge sums on a haunted house which I did not want. I also explained how decayed it was and how ill-planned it had been in the first place, and that now, untouched for years, it had a wild garden which would be far too expensive to keep up in view of the new water taxes. Nero listened, enjoying my description. �As evidence of my friendship,� he said, �I had thought of selling you the house at a reasonable price. But it disgusts me that you insolently and unworthily begin to bargain before I�ve even mentioned a price. I no longer regret having asked you to get yourself circumcised. To show you that Nero is Nero, I hereby present you with your father�s house. I refuse to lower myself by haggling with you.� Naturally I thanked Nero with all my heart, although he was not giving me the house for nothing, but in exchange for my old house on Aventine. Sufficient that I gained on the exchange. I thought with satisfaction that Tullia�s house was almost worth circumcision, and that thought still consoled me when I sickened with fever. I myself had done my best to stop the house being sold by spreading rumors about ghosts and having a couple of slaves rattle pan lids and thump furniture at night in the abandoned house. We Romans are superstitious when it comes to ghosts and the dead. So now I can with good conscience go on to tell you about Nero�s victorious progress through Greece, about the regrettable deaths of Cephas and Paul and about how I came to take part in the siege of Jerusalem.