The Road to Her (14 page)

I was still sitting with my arms looped around Elise’s waist. I liked that her arm was still around my shoulders, even though we’d finished the scene. She didn’t make any move to go, instead just sitting on the sofa, her head resting against the back of it, her eyes closed.

“I don’t want to move,” she whispered. She opened one eye and peered down to me. “Do you?”

I breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm myself down, scared that Elise would be able to detect that I was breathing far faster than I should have been.

Finally, grudgingly, I moved my arms from her waist, eliciting a grumble from her.

“Don’t,” she murmured. “I want to stay like this forever.”

“We have four more scenes to shoot this afternoon,” I said, reluctantly pulling away. She lifted her arm to allow me to disentangle myself from her, instantly making my shoulder want to feel her warmth on it again. “And lunch in between. No time for lazing about.”

“Spoilsport.” Elise stretched her arms in front of her and yawned. “Just as I was beginning to enjoy myself, too.”

She tilted her head slightly and studied me. “You’re quiet today, Hol,” she said. “Something on your mind?”

I stood up. “Plenty,” I said with a exaggerated roll of my eyes. I moved away slightly. “Look, I’m just going to stay and chill here for five minutes.”

“Do you want me to go?” She suddenly reached up and took my hand. “Leave you in peace?”

“No.” I let her hand fall away from mine again and turned away from her, staring down at the floor, my arms wrapped tight around myself. “I don’t want you to go.”

Elise stood up and slowly came up behind me. She gently touched my arm, sending an electric current down the length of it to my fingertips.

“Then I’ll stay,” she said from just behind me. She stood so close I could hear her breathing, could feel her breath on the back of my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Talk to me, Holly,” she said. “You’re not yourself today. I can sense it.”

I shook my head. “I’ll live.”

“Are you stressed?”

“Just a bit.” I gave a hollow laugh.

“Then let me help,” Elise said.

“I don’t think anyone can help me.” I continued hugging myself.

“But I can’t sort out whatever it is if you won’t talk to me, can I?” Her soft voice sounded near me, nearer with every word she said.

“You don’t need to sort anything out, Elise,” I said.

“Casey would want to help Jasmine if she knew Jasmine was stressing about something.” She put her hands on my arms and slowly turned me round to face her. “And I want to help you.” She gazed at me, her face etched with concern. “Have I done something wrong?”

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Elise.” My voice cracked with emotion. “I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all.”

“Because of?”

“Please,” I pleaded, scared that everything would come tumbling out. “Just don’t ask, okay?”

“No,” Elise continued gazing at me. “I need you to tell me what’s bugging you.”

“Nothing’s bugging me that I want to talk about, honestly,” I said quietly.

She wanted to know what my problem was, did she? My problem was Grace coming back into my life and bombarding me with e-mails telling me she missed me when I’d finally gotten over her and fallen head over heels for Elise. I was longing for this straight girl, standing right in front of me looking angry and adorable and sexy all at the same time, and knowing that she didn’t feel the same way about me. Why didn’t she feel the same way? Why?

I stared at Elise, standing there looking so goddamned perfect with her hands on her hips. I knew I should walk away, ignore my feelings for her, but all I could do was carry on glaring at her, taking in every detail of her beautiful face, while my guts churned up inside, knowing that I could never have her.

Chapter Twelve

I finally stumbled away from Elise, leaving her confused, knowing that just one more look from those dark eyes would have me telling her everything about how I felt about her, and I literally bumped straight into Bella on my way down the corridor.

“Blimey, someone got out of bed the wrong side today,” she said, rubbing the arm that I’d just cannoned into.

I looked at Bella, and I guess the expression on my face told her everything because she quickly looked over her shoulder and, without another word, ushered me down the corridor and into our dressing room, shutting the door tightly behind us.

“Someone needs a timeout, I think,” she said, sitting me down on the sofa and joining me, putting her arm round my shoulders.

“I don’t think even the longest timeout could sort out this mess,” I said, staring bleakly at the floor.

“Want to talk about it?” Bella asked gently.

I shook my head, just as there was a knock on the door. It would be Elise, I knew.

“Shall I send them away?” Bella rose from the sofa and headed for the door.

“Would you mind?” I asked, leaning my head back against the back of the sofa and staring blankly up at the dust-covered light fitting on the ceiling.

I heard the low murmur of Elise’s voice in the doorway but couldn’t see her, as Bella had positioned herself in such a way that blocked my view. I sat back, eyes closed, as they spoke briefly to one another before Bella finally closed the door and faced me.

“Now then, my dear,” she began. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

“I just don’t know what to do, Bella,” I said. “I really don’t.”

Bella sat with me on the sofa. I was on the verge of tears but knew if I gave in to them and actually started crying, then I wouldn’t be able to stop. Trying to stem them, I sat with my elbows on my knees and concentrated on picking at my fingers and staring down at the floor while Bella rubbed my back.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bella asked gently.

I shrugged.

“Elise wanted to see you, you know,” Bella continued.

“Well, I don’t want to see her,” I said, still staring numbly at the floor.

“She said you’ve been uptight all day.” Bella spoke quietly. “Is something the matter?”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “Plenty, Bella,” I said. “I’ve just got some stuff going on that I need to get sorted.”

“At work?”

“Yeah, partly,” I mumbled. “I’m just finding it hard to work with Elise at the moment.”

“Have you two still not hit it off?” Bella asked tentatively. “I thought you were getting on so much better now.” She looked at me with a motherly concern.

I sighed and leant back against the sofa, closing my eyes. “We’re getting on fine,” I said finally.

“But?”

I so needed to talk to someone about it, but I just didn’t know how Bella would react. Would she think I was stupid for falling in love with Elise? It was ludicrous, wasn’t it? Wanting to act out in real life what I was acting out on screen?

“I can’t tell you, Bella,” I said. “I don’t even know where to begin. It’s all such a mess, it really is.”

I rubbed my hands roughly over my face, digging the tips of my fingers into the corners of my eyes as if trying to push back the tears that were threatening to spill again.

“Holly, my dear,” Bella put her hand on my knee. “I’ve known you since you were twelve. I’ve been your other mother since you were twelve. I’ve watched you grow up from a sweet kid into the loveliest, most beautiful young lady anyone could wish to meet.” She smiled kindly at me. “I’m very fond of you, you know, and I’d like to think you could come to me and tell me anything.”

“I just don’t know if you’d understand, though,” I said sadly.

“I have three teenagers of my own at home.” Bella nudged me good-naturedly. “I don’t think there’s much I don’t understand about you lot.” She thought for a while. “Why was Elise so desperate to see you just now? She looked awful. Really worried.”

“Did she?” A small spark ignited inside me, in spite of myself.

“Mm-hmm,” Bella nodded, her eyebrows raised.

“I’m totally fucked up in the head at the moment,” I said quietly. “And I’ve been messing up takes a bit too much just lately.”

“Okay…” Bella started. “So why are you messing up your takes?”

“Because my mind is constantly on something…some
one
…else,” I said.

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Bella patted my leg.

“My head’s such a mess, Bella,” I mumbled. “I just don’t know what to do!”

“Are you and Elise fighting over some boy?” Bella suddenly asked. “Is that what this is about? You’ve both met someone and you both fancy him?”

Oh, if only she knew!

“Robbie?” Bella persisted. “Is it to do with her date with Robbie? Do you like him yourself?”

I laughed. “No,” I said. “Trust me, it’s not that at all.” We didn’t speak for a few seconds. I was desperate to talk to her about it but just didn’t know where to even begin. I took a deep breath. “I had an e-mail,” I said slowly. “From an ex.”

“Ugh, the ex’s e-mail conundrum.” Bella shuddered.

“Exactly,” I said. “My ex wants to meet me and I don’t know what to do.”

“How long ago did you split up?” Bella asked. “I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone, to be honest.”

“Two years,” I said. “And, no. I wanted to keep quiet about it.”

“And he wants to see you again?” Bella looked at me with concern. “And you don’t know whether you should go and see him? Is that it?”

“Something like that,” I muttered, staring down at my hands.

“Do you want to see him?” Bella asked.

Her! Her! Did I want to see
her
?

“I don’t know, that’s just it,” I said. “I haven’t replied to the e-mail yet.”

“So where does Elise fit into all this?” Bella asked.

“She figured I was stressing over something,” I said slowly, “and has been pushing me to talk to her about it.”

“And you don’t want to talk to her because…?” Bella offered.

“Because if I start to talk to her, I’ll never stop.” I looked at Bella. “I just don’t know what to do,” I suddenly said. “Elise barely knows I exist some days, and I want her to.”

“You want her to?” Bella leant her head to one side, confused.

“I want her to notice me, Bella,” I said quietly. “Because I like her.”

“I see,” Bella said slowly. “I think.” She paused. “Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?”

“The e-mail from the ex,” I said, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. “The ex is a girl.”

“I see,” Bella repeated. “I didn’t know you were…you know…”

“Gay? Well, I am,” I said quietly. “Always have been.”

“Okay,” Bella said slowly, processing. “So let me get this right. You like Elise, but she doesn’t know it, and now you’ve also had an e-mail from an ex-girlfriend, and you don’t know what to do about it?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“You are in a pickle, aren’t you?” Bella laughed good-naturedly, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me to her in a bear hug. “And they say soaps are full of drama!”

“Could write a whole year’s worth with me, I think.” I sniffled.

“And Elise has no idea that you’re gay or that you like her?”

“God, no!” I looked horrified. “She’s no idea about either, and I want it to stay that way.”

I looked down at my hands and started worrying at a piece of skin on my thumb. “I don’t feel like I can stay away from Elise anymore,” I said numbly. “I want her and I can’t have her, and I hate it.” I thought for a moment. “I haven’t felt like this about anyone since Grace,” I said simply. “And it’s freaking me out a bit.”

“In a good way?”

“Yeah.” I sighed. “Elise is all I think about, day and night. It feels good to have my mind so full of a person again, but it’s scary at the same time, especially because she doesn’t even know.”

“But Elise likes men, Holly,” Bella said gently. “She went out with Robbie, she now has another boyfriend…”

“Stig,” I said miserably. “I know. So she’s not going to appreciate me coming to her with declarations of love, is she?”

Bella thought for a moment. “But do you think she’ll freak out if you just tell her you’re gay to start with?” she asked. “Don’t you think she might like to know that? Bearing in mind the scenes you do together?” She paused. “I’m trying to be diplomatic here, Holly.”

“Yes, I think she’ll flip out if I tell her,” I said miserably. I looked down at a screwed up sugar packet on the table that I’d been absent-mindedly playing with. “Elise told me once before that she has a reputation for picking the wrong men,” I said. “She told me when she was in the States she had bad experiences with men, lurching from one guy to the next.”

“And she’s doing the same here?”

“Well she’s been going from Robbie, to Stig, to God knows who else.” I picked up the sugar packet again and screwed it into a tight ball, tossing it straight back down onto the table. “It’s like she’s drifting from boyfriend to boyfriend, always looking for the right one but never finding him.”

“Because you think he doesn’t exist?” Bella offered.

“Maybe.”

“And you want to be the one who offers her what she wants?” Bella asked tentatively.

“I know I can,” I said simply. “Because it’s what I want, too.”

“Then you have two options, my dear,” Bella said, getting to her feet and placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Which are?” I looked up at her.

“You either take a risk and tell her exactly how you feel,” Bella said, her hand still on my shoulder. “No holds barred, the whole pouring out your innermost feelings malarkey.”

“Or?”

“Or you ignore your feelings completely and try to forget about her,” Bella said. “Concentrate on just being her friend instead.”

“Forget her?” I repeated, looking up at Bella.

“Mm-hmm.” Bella nodded kindly. She paused for a moment. “And your ex?”

“Grace?” I said. “What about her?”

“Are you going to see her?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve been thinking about her a lot since she e-mailed me and
gah!
a small part of me thinks that if I hooked up with her again, my feelings for Elise would disappear.”

“Assuming she wants to get back with you, of course.”

“But even if I just go and see her, it might make me forget about Elise,” I said hopefully. “It’s got to be worth a try, hasn’t it?”