Jonas huffs but doesn’t speak. His eyes are like granite.
“Maybe all these guys who join The Club want to ride a roller coaster with Mickey Mouse’s face on it—and they’re happy as clams to pay a shitload to do it. They don’t even
want
to know they could ride the same roller coaster without Mickey’s face on it for two bucks down the street.”
Jonas bursts out of his skin. “Jesus, Josh,” he says, jumping back up. “Really?” He’s barely suppressing his fury. “‘Live and let live?’ Is that it? Let these guys go on their merry way while I sit around and wonder night and day if they’re gonna come after my baby or not?” He’s roaring now, absolutely enraged. “No fucking way.”
I stand and put my hand on Jonas’ forearm, signaling him to let me speak. He jerks his arm away, fuming. “I expected
you
of all people to understand,” he seethes at Josh. “Fuck!”
I take a step back. He obviously doesn’t want me to meddle. And he’s right. I shouldn’t have butted into this brother-to-brother conversation. Not yet. Not now.
“I
do
understand. I’m just saying let’s narrow down exactly what we’re trying to accomplish here.”
There’s a long beat.
Jonas is incapable of coherent speech. He’s absolutely furious. After a long beat, he motions to me as if he’s giving me the floor.
“Josh,” I say. I feel the need to choose my words carefully. “Your premise is faulty. When you buy a ticket for Disneyland, you
know
you’re signing up to ride a Mickey Mouse roller coaster. Not everyone signs up to ride a Mickey Mouse rollercoaster when they join The Club—but that’s what they give them, anyway.”
Josh looks genuinely confused.
I feel too stupid to say anything else. I sit back down on the couch, wishing I were invisible.
“What do you mean?” Josh asks me. He sounds remarkably sincere. The tone of his voice makes me look up at him. The expression on his face matches his voice.
Jonas exhales. “She means not everyone is totally fucked-up like you and me.” He clears his throat. “Or, at least, like me—you seem to have been cured of your fuckeduppedness by that stupid book.”
Josh can’t help but laugh at that.
“She means some people are, you know,
normal
,” Jonas continues. He sits down on the couch next to me and puts his arm around me. I guess that’s his way of apologizing for jerking away a moment ago. If so, I accept his apology.
“What the fuck does that even mean?” Josh finally says. “
Normal?
”
Jonas doesn’t answer.
“Okay, fine, let’s say there are
normal
people out there. Why the fuck would any
normal
person join The Club?” He seems genuinely confounded.
“To find love,” Jonas says quietly. “That’s what normal people want. That’s what The Club promises to the normal ones. And it’s a scam.”
Hearing Jonas adopt exactly what I’ve said to him, whether he believes it or not (I’m not completely sure he does) makes me tingle all over. He’s telling me he’s got my back along with the rest of my body parts.
Josh laughs derisively.
“It’s true,” I say, defending Jonas. Defending myself. Defending love, faith, hope, optimism—I don’t know what the hell I’m defending. Maybe I’m still hung up on seeing my little software engineer’s elated face when Stacy lied and said she only watched college basketball, just like him. Maybe I need to believe that love, and not just sex, is what truly what makes the world go around. Maybe I need to believe there’s someone for everyone, no matter how fucked up or depraved. Maybe I just need to believe there are men out there who are absolutely nothing like my father.
Jonas grabs my hand and squeezes it. And with that simple gesture, he’s telling me it’s Jonas and me against the whole world. Screw anyone else who doesn’t believe in true love. We know it’s real.
Josh looks incredulous. “Seriously?” There’s a beat as he studies Jonas. “Did
you
join The Club looking for love?’”
Jonas blanches. He looks at me, not sure how to respond. But Jonas doesn’t need my permission to tell the truth. I know exactly why he joined The Club. And I don’t care.
I nod, encouraging him.
Jonas brings the back of my hand to his lips and lays a soft kiss on my skin, his eyes burning with intensity. “No, I didn’t.”
“Well, neither did I. I can’t imagine anyone ever would. That’s pretty far-fetched—even if someone’s
normal
.” He winces at me. “Sorry, Sarah.”
I nod. It’s okay.
“I’m pretty sure I joined The Club because I was having some kind of mental breakdown,” Jonas says softly, almost inaudibly. “Again.”
Josh looks absolutely shocked.
“Though I didn’t realize it at the time, of course.” He looks at me pointedly. “I joined The Club because I didn’t understand what was really going on with me, what I really wanted—or what I needed.” He squeezes my hand. “I was spiraling, man.”
My heart is thumping out of my chest.
Jonas’ eyes are boring holes into mine. He’s giving me that “I’m going to swallow you whole” look—and, holy hell, I want him to swallow me whole.
Josh clearly doesn’t know what the hell to say.
The silence is deafening.
“Well, all righty, then,” Kat finally says.
Josh exhales. “Holy shit, Jonas.” He rubs his hands over his face, clearly at a loss as to how to handle his ever-complicated brother. “I’m all in when it comes to protecting Sarah and Kat, okay? Whatever it takes—you know that, right?”
“I know.” Jonas exhales. “Thanks.”
“I just think maybe you’re overreacting about—”
“Fuck, Josh!” Jonas leaps to a stand and glowers over Josh on the couch. “These motherfuckers threatened my girl and her best friend. Do you understand? They crossed the fucking line!”
Josh stands and opens his mouth to speak, but Jonas cuts him off.
“I’m not letting them near her.”
He pulls me up off the couch and into him like he’s defending me from Josh—which is, I must say, a certifiably crazy thing to imply.
“I’m gonna protect her—which means decimating the fuck out of them. Do you understand me?
Decimating them
.” He’s shaking. His muscles are bulging around me.
“Whoa,” Josh says. “Calm down.”
“I’m not gonna let it happen again, Josh. I couldn’t survive it this time—I know I couldn’t. I barely survived it before. You didn’t see what I saw—the blood. It was everywhere. You weren’t there.” He shuts his eyes tight. “You didn’t see her.” He’s flipping out. Oh my God, he’s totally flipping out. “I’m not gonna let it happen again. I can’t do it again.”
His grip on me is stifling, but I wouldn’t dream of pushing away, not right now.
Kat’s mouth hangs open. I haven’t had a chance to tell her anything about Belize—or about Jonas’ tragic childhood.
Josh looks anguished. “Jonas... Oh my God.”
“I thought
you’d
understand, of all people.” Jonas’s voice is thick with emotion. “I don’t want to do this alone, but I will. I’ll do whatever I have to do, don’t you understand?” He squeezes me even tighter. “I can’t let anything happen to her. Not again. Never again.”
Oh my God, I’m turned on. Totally, thoroughly, completely turned on.
Poor Josh’s face is stricken. “Ladies, could you give us a minute?” he says. He’s at a total loss here. “Please.”
Jonas juts his chin and squeezes me even tighter.
“Jonas,” I whisper, my lips brushing softly against his jawline. “Talk to your brother, baby. He’s on your team.” My lips find his neck. His skin is hot. He’s shaking. His grip on me is like a vise.
I’m not completely sure what’s going on inside Jonas’ head, but I’m damn near positive Josh is the one who can help him get his mind right again.
I reach up and touch his chiseled face. “Your brother’s on your side,” I say quietly. I brush my lips against his neck. He presses himself into me and I feel his erection against me. “Just listen to him,” I continue. “He dropped everything to come here for you. Listen to him.”
Jonas lets go of my hand, grabs my face with both hands, and kisses me like he owns me. Clearly, his kiss is meant to explain something to Josh, and not necessarily to me, but I’m not complaining. Yowza. He can use my lips to make a point to Josh any frickin’ time he likes.
Jonas pulls away from our kiss and looks fiercely at Josh, his nostrils flaring, daring him to contradict whatever statement he’s just made with that kiss. When Josh doesn’t speak, Jonas does.
“One can easily forgive a child who’s afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light,” he says, his chest heaving.
Chapter 4
Sarah
“Wow, Sarah, what the hell just happened?” Kat asks.
We’re sitting on Jonas’ balcony overlooking the twinkling lights of the Seattle skyline, drinking wine and finishing the sushi rolls Jonas ordered for us earlier. Josh and Jonas are inside, either talking or beating the crap out of each other. It’s not clear which. And I can’t stop thinking about that “let me show you what she means to me” kiss Jonas planted on my lips a few moments ago in front of Kat and Josh. Day-am. That was quite a kiss. Wooh! If that’s how crazy kisses, then keep bringing the crazy, baby. Please and thank you.
“Oh, Kat, there’s so much I’ve got to tell you.”
“Let’s start with what the hell Jonas was doing to you in his bedroom earlier. Holy Fornication, Batman! I didn’t try to hear, I promise—but it was unavoidable. He was either giving you the best damned orgasm of your life or murdering you—it sounded like you were dying a gruesome death in there.” She laughs.
Of all the word choices... Good Lord. “Oh my God, Kat, never, ever say anything like that around Jonas.
Please
.” I feel sick at the thought.
Kat’s eyes go wide. “Why?”
I tell Kat about the horrific trauma of Jonas’ childhood—about my poor, sweet Jonas witnessing his mother’s savage rape and murder as he watched from her closet, and how he’s blamed himself for her death ever since—with the cruel encouragement of his father.
“Oh my God,” Kat says softly. “That’s horrible.” Kat looks like she feels physically ill. “Wow.”
“And on top of that, his father killed himself when Josh and Jonas were seventeen.”
“Oh no.”
“And his dad left a suicide note that in some way blamed Jonas for everything.”
Kat is silent for a long moment. “Well, that sheds a whole new light on Jonas’ freak-out in there.”
“Yup.”
Kat’s thinking. “So Josh wasn’t there when his mom was killed? Just Jonas?”
“Just Jonas.” I exhale. Even talking about this stuff makes me ache all over.
“So judging by the conversation in there, that must be a ‘thing’ between them—‘You weren’t there, I was.’ Maybe some unresolved stuff?”
I nod. “I can’t imagine how their mother’s murder has messed them both up—plus their dad, too. Ugh. So horrible.”
“Ugh,” Kat agrees. She takes a long sip of her wine. “Obviously, Jonas got the worst of it, but God only knows what kind of head-trip Josh has gone through his whole life, too—maybe some kind of weird survivor’s guilt or something?” She sips her wine again.
She’s so right. I hadn’t thought about Josh’s journey in all this.
“Talk about a mind fuck for both of them,” Kat says. “Just growing up without a mom is tough enough, but add the rest on top of that, too . . .”
I sigh. I feel ill.
“Well,” Kat exhales loudly. “Let’s talk about something happy now, shall we?”
“Yes, let’s.”
We clink glasses.
“Here’s a happy thought,” she says. “Jonas sure has an interesting book collection.”
I look at her quizzically.
“I went into his office to use his computer and wound up taking a little tour of his book shelf.
How to Blow Her Mind.
That one looked interesting.
Female Orgasm: Unlocking the Mystery
. Oh, and my favorite:
Becoming a Sexual Samurai: Mastering the Art of Making Love
.
”
She laughs. “Some interesting reading.”
I blush.
“You think Jonas might let me borrow some of his books? I think my next boyfriend should study them thoroughly and take a final exam.”
I can’t help but smile broadly. “Jonas firmly believes in striving for excellence in all he does.”
“Oh, yeah? He
firmly
believes in excellence, does he?”
I giggle and roll my eyes. “Jeez, I walked right into that one.”
“As usual.” She chuckles at me.
We both take long sips of our wine, grinning from ear to ear.
“So what do you think of Josh?” I ask, looking at her sideways. “From what I could see, you two were like boom goes the dynamite.”
Kat twists her mouth but doesn’t speak.
“He’s exactly your type, Kat.”
“I know.” She smirks. “
Exactly
. I must say, the guy is hot. But that whole thing about him joining The Club and how much he obviously
enjoyed
it . . .” She makes a face like she’s sniffing a dirty diaper. “It was a tad bit Douchey McDoucheypants for my taste.”
“Well, Jonas joined The Club, and he’s not a douche.”
“Well, yeah, as it turns out. But he
was
a bit of a douche at first, you have to admit.”
I purse my lips. “No. Jonas was never a douche. He was a cocky-bastard-motherfucker, but never a douche.”
“Oh, thanks for the clarification.” She shrugs. “Who knows, maybe Josh will turn out to be like Jonas—a knight in shining armor disguised as a cocky-bastard-motherfucker. Or maybe he’ll just turn out to be a cocky-bastard-motherfucker disguised as a douche.” She sighs loudly.
“I like Josh. He’s got a big heart. He dropped everything when Jonas called and said he needed him—no questions asked.”
“That true.” She smiles. “And I must admit, now that I know about his horrible childhood, I do so desperately want to
fix
him.”
“Oh boy. Good luck with that.” I sip my wine.
“Hey, you never know—I could be The One Girl in the Whole World Who Can Fix Him. It sure looks like you’ve fixed Jonas.”