The Observations of a Curious Governess (8 page)

The panicked expression upon Miller’s face softened a little, and she removed her hands from stroking her still-slumbering mistress’ face. She spoke very softly indeed.

‘You have been asleep in here?’ she asked, her brow furrowing and her dark eyes suspicious.

‘Why… I am afraid so. I have not slept well of late and …’ I faded off, again affecting a position of stress and agitation.

‘You saw naught then, when Milady and I happened in here?’

I allowed a confused frown to crumple my brow. ‘Why no… I heard naught. I had no notion you two were here.’ I looked at Her Ladyship then, hoping my expression was one of surprise and sympathy. ‘The poor Lady, she must be terribly tired,’ I said.

Miller looked down at her mistress again, her frown melting. ‘She is. This child has proven a great burden, and she finds herself exhausted often.’

‘It is very kind that you sit with her,’ I replied, taking an obvious glance towards the door. ‘But, Miss Miller, I really ought be away. The children will be awaiting their lessons.’

Miller nodded and I made to leave. Just as I slipped outside the room, I heard Her Ladyship stir.

‘Who was that?’ Her sleep-softened voice was alarmed.

‘Miss Swan,’ I heard Miller reply.

‘Oh! How long had she been here?’ The Lady no longer sounded so sleepy.

‘Hush. She was asleep, and unless she lies well, I do not think she witnessed anything.’

I hesitated just out of eyeshot beyond the door, to continue listening.

‘Thank goodness.’

‘I do not think she did see anything. She was quite convincing in her claim of ignorance. Nonetheless, it may be pertinent to revise her salary, or offer some bonus, under the guise of something else. I do not like to assume that Miss Swan would ever incite trouble, but it may be wise to offer her recompense if I am mistaken in her character,’ Miller replied.

‘Quite. I shall speak with Mrs Roberts to ensure she’s happily financed. You are quite right in suggesting that a contented employee is one least likely to spread malicious gossip.’

‘You shall have the best-paid governess in Wiltshire,’ Miller replied, with kindness in her voice.

Reader, I shudder to think what Mrs Hester Chapone would think of me now. In less than a month, I am changed. I am scarcely the same woman who left London on her first posting. My salary at Stanton was generous enough without any amoral supplement – but would I return the funds? Nay, I would not. I wished for my sisters’ happiness, and perhaps a little of my own. Mayhap with this increase in income, a future with Mr Reeves may not be so impossible after all.

Monday 22
^nd
June 1813

This morning I was given my wages. These envelopes handed out by Mrs Roberts in the servants’ quarters – an area I seldom visit, but had been called to do so for this reason. I accepted the weighty envelope with thanks and returned to my rooms before breaking my fast. When I opened the envelope I was thrilled to count out the money there. It was, I confess, a significantly increased sum from my initial expectation.

There was one awkwardness about it however. On my walk towards the grounds for my morning constitutional, Miller interrupted my thoughts. I confess, when I looked at her all I could see was her passion-slaked expression and her white thighs parted for the head of her mistress. Would that good Lord preserve me from such thoughts!

‘Good morning, Miss Swan,’ said she.

‘Good morning indeed, Miss Miller,’ was my reply.

‘Did you receive your wages?’ she asked without preamble. I watched her expression for any mal-intent but could not discern any.

‘I did,’ I replied.

‘The Stantons pay well for loyal, discreet servants,’ she said. There were no grounds on which I could disagree, so I smiled, ‘They certainly do, and I shall strive not to disappoint them.’

Miller reciprocated the smile as a way of farewell, before I went for my walk, on which I hoped Mr Reeves may join me. I am uncertain of how much longer he will be in Stanton on business, but I hope he shall remain a few more days. There are matters which I wish to resolve, and have come to think that he may be the one to assist me to do so. I have been plagued with by the notion that as a spinster I shall never experience such things as my employers. I do not wish for sin, I do not wish for scandal, but I do not wish for a life half lived either.

***

As I walked down the corridor, ever admiring the art, I was surprised to come across Lord and Lady Stanton. It was unusual to see them together beyond mealtimes. It struck me as unsurprising that they may well avoid each other – each harbouring such wicked secrets as they did. They did not seem to hear my approach, though I made no effort for silence.

‘What is vexing you so, William?’ Her Ladyship asked. ‘I have heard naught pleasant from your mouth in days.’

I hesitated in my approach at the sharp tone of her voice.

His Lordship signed and looked away. ‘Ah, but these tenants and this enclosure business – it tires me terribly. I’m grateful for Mr Reeves’ assistance of course, but he’s been called back to London.’

My heart wilted. Had he already gone, then? Without a farewell?

‘Can you not find another manager to assist?’ Lady Stanton asked.

‘Oh he’s not gone yet, but still, enclosure seems a nasty business and likely to cause much dissent amongst the tenants. It effectively takes away the common grounds they use – and that upsets them, you know. So, I’d rather like him to stay a significant while longer.’

Lord Stanton turned his head, suddenly aware that he and his wife were not alone as they had thought.

‘Miss Swan.’ He inclined his head, and a smile replaced his previous unhappy expression.

‘Good morning, Lord Stanton, Lady Stanton.’ I bobbed nervously, running a hand down my blue muslin dress.

‘Do you fare well this morning, Miss Swan?’ Lady Stanton asked with an arched brow.

‘Quite, I thank you.’

There was a tedious silence.

‘And the children?’ Lord Stanton asked, ‘What shall they learn today. More Bible readings, perhaps?’ he added, with amusement tugging his lips.

I blushed, remembering my pious lecture of the other evening. ‘No, simple arithmetic and penmanship today, I’m afraid.’

‘I’m certain you shall make it verily riveting for them,’ he responded, with that insouciant grin.

I glanced nervously towards Her Ladyship, who demurred with an inclination of the head. Her eyes seemed wary of me. Did she fear I may divulge her secret?

‘Well, I shall leave you to your conversation. My apologies for the interruption,’ I said and moved away.

‘Good day, Miss Swan,’ they replied, and I hurried away

***

By the time I’d walked toward the maze where I hoped to find Mr Reeves, I was glowing with heat. I had, I confess, decided on a singularly peculiar course of action, that involved him as a willing participant. The notion had taken its time formulating itself, and although I was not at all certain of how I may proceed with my notion, it required Mr Reeves’ compliance on many levels.

General anxiety and nerves over the situation here at Stanton was a common fixture in my mind. Try as I had to ignore them, the memories of the various debaucheries had made the physical relationship between men and women something of an obsession for me. I thought about it constantly, and I hoped, nay
wished
with ardent fervour, that Mr Reeves may agree to inform me, in the most basic way, the facts and realities of it all. So it was that I was immensely relieved to see Mr Reeves sitting on the stone bench, clearly awaiting me.

At my arrival, his eyes glowed with warm affection. ‘Miss Swan, you look very fine this morning,’ he said, and bowed courteously towards me.

I bobbed in return, ‘Why, thank you.’

If truth be known, Mr Reeves was looking very fine also. His taut calves, wrapped in the soft leather of his boots, left nothing wanting, and his jacket enhanced the narrowness of his waist and the broad strength of his back. Why, I have never seen such a fine specimen of masculinity, not in London nor Stanton. My heart stuttered with nerves and excitement.

Mr Reeves took my arm. ‘The blue becomes you very well.’

I blushed. ‘Thank you.’

Oh, how I adore this pleasant companionship we share. For all the startling and disturbing revelations I have had since coming to Stanton, there is nothing quite like the quiet companionability with Mr Reeves. Yet despite my affection for him, it is true I long something more. I ache to experience the intensity betwixt a man and a woman – and there is no man I wish to experience it with except Mr Reeves.

We were silent a while, as I pondered all that I wished, and indeed intended, to happen between us. At length he began to speak of the tenants of Stanton as we wended our way throughout the garden. Since we’d overheard Lord Stanton at rut in the orangery, I take great care to avoid the area, and instead we made our way down to the lake that borders the woodlands at the far south of the lawns.

‘I pity the tenants, truly I do,’ Mr Reeves was saying. ‘Stanton has always had a great deal of common land – and it’s been a credit to the area. If Stanton takes to enclosing the common lands, many of the farmers and labourers will have no place to graze their milk cows, nor plant their vegetables.’

I felt myself frown. ‘Why enclose, then?’

‘Well, it has benefits for His Lordship, of course. It rationalises the farmlands, allows for larger fields for herds or crops – which ultimately provide extra finance for the landed gentry.’

I thought of the gold guineas in my drawer and my fattened wages. ‘Is His Lordship in such need of extra finance?’ I asked doubtfully.

Mr Reeves looked down at me with a frown, clearly uncertain whether to continue. ‘I do not think that my answer is fit for your gentle ears, and it may offend,’ he said eventually.

I bit a little giggle down. ‘My ears are gentle indeed, but my mind is not. I am a capable and independent governess, Mr Reeves; you need not fear offending me. I have discovered a resilience of character of late I had not previously perceived within myself.’

He raised an eyebrow and offered a rakish smile. ‘If my independent lady is adamant, how could I refuse her?’

I lowered my head and returned a modest smile towards the path. His easy accession to my wishes pleased me greatly.

‘I have heard it said that Lord Stanton was something of a gambler and libertine.’

Indeed! I wanted to laugh. I
know
of his libertine ways. ‘Is that so?’ I said wide-eyed.

He observed me a moment before responding, as if he doubted the honesty behind my words. I bit back a smile.

‘It was, however, some time past, and I have not heard of his gambling in recent years. Still, mayhap he lost a fortune and wishes to recoup it. Or perhaps he wishes to enlarge his fortune for his growing brood of children. I do not know, and am not privy to his thoughts on the matter.’

We had come to the lake now, to find it ringed in pretty meadow flowers and willows.

‘Oh, but it is beautiful here,’ I gushed – for in truth it was. Stanton is quite a remarkable place for the admirer of architecture, art and fashion, as well as nature’s bounty.

‘It is …’ I noticed then that Mr Reeves’ body was angled towards mine in a familiar fashion and his voice softened. I looked at him and my heart constricted. Plainly I could see the want and need in his eyes. Was the same want and need Lord Stanton feels for Nancy? I think not, for his expression was gentle.

‘Miss Swan… Martha,’ he whispered. ‘I cannot avoid the subject any longer, for I must tell you something of import.’

My heart skittered from sensual thoughts to panicked ones. ‘But what do you mean?’ I asked. Was he to discuss his marital aspirations once more, despite the fact we had amiably agreed not to discuss it further? Part of me very much wished he would break that promise; part wished he would not. We have no future together, beyond what affections we can hide from society on his visits to Stanton. We know this and, though my own financial situation was improving markedly, I’d promised those monies to my sisters, so little has changed.

‘I am to return to London tomorrow.’

It was not what I’d wished to hear, and it made me all the more determined to discover if he would indulge my curiosity before his departure.

‘Tomorrow?’ I repeated. Of course, I had heard Lord Stanton say something similar. ‘But so soon?’ My disappointment was heavy, and I tried not to let it show – but failed miserably in the attempt.

‘I am afraid so, Martha. I cannot linger overlong here at Stanton. I shall return of course a few months hence regarding other legal matters and should very much like to see you when I do.’

Something tickled my leg beneath my skirt and I struggled to maintain my concentration. ‘Of course you shall see me,’ I replied with a smile that did not hide my disappointment. I looked at him then, so handsome, so close, and wished I could touch his chest to feel how firm it may be. I wanted to lean in and smell the scent of his cheek. I wanted to remember these details for when he’d left. I knew it was foolery. Still, the desire to do so remained the same.

For a moment, I remained still. My leg itched appallingly but I didn’t want to move or scratch it lest I ruin this little moment of pleasure that I may relive in darker times.

‘Miss Swan!’ Mr Reeves’ voice broke the silence with an abrupt cry.

My legs were itching like fire now. I looked down and saw the cause.

‘Oh!’ I shrieked, and leapt aside, batting wildly at the mass of small orange brown ants that covered my dress, legs and slippers. ‘Get them off!’

‘Allow me!’ he cried and began fluffing my skirts in earnest. Still, the wicked, terrible creatures had made their way up my legs beneath the skirt and were furiously biting the flesh of my thighs.

‘Help me!’ I cried.

Truly, one would have laughed if the situation hadn’t been quite so shocking. Not caring for decorum now, I wrenched my skirts up and started swatting at the miniature beasts that covered my legs.

‘Oh Miss Swan!’ Mr Reeves exclaimed, his face turning pink and looking increasingly anguished.