The Observations of a Curious Governess (16 page)

He laughed. ‘If you do not, then you are as blind as you are clever.’

I fanned my cheeks to disguise my surprise at his compliment, but otherwise did not reply.

‘Miss Miller has spoken to me, Miss Swan, and has made mention of your difficulties.’

My face began to burn. ‘My Lord, think nothing more of it. You have offered me your thanks through financial recompense previously, and you need not repeat it.’

Lord Stanton laughed then. ‘That was but a trifle. Our preferences at Stanton and your knowledge of them are something that sits ill with me.’

I thought back then to that bizarre and erotic scene betwixt Lord Stanton, Lady Stanton and Miller. ‘Well …’ I fumbled on my words. ‘You may have complete faith that I shall not divulge a thing to anybody.’

‘I do have that faith, Miss Swan – if I did not, you should never have remained here. I have the highest regard and care for my staff at Stanton. Only those who prove themselves worthy remain.’ He sighed. ‘I have made many, many mistakes in my life – as I am certain you and half of London are aware. Yet what I have now at Stanton is something I would rather not jeopardise with unseemly gossip of it.’

He was testing me, I was certain. The only thing I could do then was reaffirm my loyalty to him.

‘Again, My Lord, you have my word.’

He looked at me a little crossly then. ‘Allow me to finish, Miss Swan. This is damnably awkward.’

I’d never heard the gentleman speak with such intensity or without a laugh to soften it, and I found myself unutterably frightened.

‘I am asking you, Miss Swan if there is anything, an amount of money perhaps, that you require to fulfil your comforts.’

What could he mean? Had I not already promised him my silence? Had I not already said that I had been financially compensated enough?

‘I have told you, Lord Stanton, you have my word. I do not require anything in exchange for my silence. You are insulting me by insinuating otherwise.’

Clearly, Lord Stanton was very much used to people accepting his offers, rather than declining them in such a blunt fashion. He gave me a narrowed look.

‘Miss Swan, I can think of no more delicate terms! I am, in the most awkward of fashions, attempting to offer financial assistance, independence even. Just suggest an amount and I shall pay it.’

I was nearly made insensible by this particular declaration. ‘But why are you doing this?’

Lord Stanton rolled his eyes at me, clearly appalled. ‘Can you truly be so witless?’ he snapped.

My cheeks heated with his casual slur. ‘I must indeed be, for I cannot reason why you are behaving this way!’

‘I have spoken with Miller,’ he said. ‘She has told me of your difficulties …’

‘My difficulties?’ I repeated, gooseflesh burgeoning on my arms. Did he mean Mr Reeves and my delicate state? Involuntarily, my hands flew to my abdomen, where Mr Reeves’ child had taken root.

His Lordship did not miss the gesture. ‘Indeed, she has told me of your affections for young Mr Reeves, and that there is reason to believe you… you may be breeding with his child.’

I gasped, my head swimming with the shame of it. Spoken aloud as Lord Stanton had done, my behaviour was beyond sordid. It was vulgar and shameful. Heat scorched my skin.

‘Oh!’ I gasped, but embarrassed though he undoubtedly was, Stanton continued bluntly.

‘I had thought to spare you the embarrassment of being offered charity, Miss Swan, but you failed to follow my ruse. My wife and her maid – not to mention my children – are terribly fond of you, and I have appreciated your loyal discretion on more than one occasion. I am offering you my protection and a home – so that you may escape the indignity and shame your condition will bring upon you.’ He looked at me with sympathy. ‘I am no stranger to scandal, as you well know, but it would be detrimental for my daughters for you to continue as our governess once your condition becomes apparent. Instead, I shall offer you a cottage and a wage in exchange for your continuing loyalty.’ He fell silent, his sparkling eyes sincere.

I seemed unable to catch my breath; the world swam blurrily before my eyes. It was all too much! The scandal, the hurt, the shame, the knowledge my employer knew of my ruin and
still
wished to assist me.

I wanted to weep. Instead, I am afraid to admit, I fainted.

***

I was revived a short time later by the strong pungent scents of crushed pine. The vegetation was held beneath my nose by a strong, familiar hand.

‘Martha!’ Jonathan cried. ‘Are you well?’

‘Clearly not,’ I heard Lord Stanton drawl. ‘She’s fair fainted.’

‘What did you do to her?’ Jonathan snarled, and through my faded vision, I could see his expression set with fierce righteousness. ‘I will call you forth, Stanton, if you’ve laid a single hand upon her.’

Lord Stanton laughed. ‘My dear fellow, don’t reach for your pistols just yet. I would do no such thing. I’m sure you would never understand, but my hands are already filled.’

Jonathan met Lord Stanton’s teasing gaze. ‘Forgive me My Lord. I …’ he broke away. His eyes met mine and I stared into his gaze; it was so concerned, and so love-filled, that I was possessed by a furious regret at neglecting him so. ‘What happened?’ he asked, softer now.

‘That is between the governess and myself, Reeves, unless the lady wishes to divulge the conversation to you. I suggest you desist the line of questioning, lest you cause another faint.’

I took a deep breath, surprised to find my head cushioned by one of the gentlemen’s jackets. I struggled to stand.

‘No, Miss Swan, remain as you are. I shall go and get the physician,’ Lord Stanton ordered. ‘He remains at Stanton with my wife, and we are not that far. Mr Reeves, I trust you will stay with the lady until I return?’

The relief that spread over Jonathan’s face was nearly comical. ‘Of course,’ he agreed.

Stanton looked at me with a gaze most firm. ‘And I trust you will think on all I have said?’ He paused. ‘And when I next ask for your answer, I shall ensure you’re seated, to avoid this melodrama occurring again.’

He was jesting, I think, though one can never be sure. With a curt bow, Lord Stanton turned and resumed the walk to Stanton, albeit at a more furious pace.

‘Martha, we must speak. I am loathe to continue this way with you. I know you’re hurt that I’d never mentioned Mrs Reeves before, but you must know, I never mentioned it because it does not matter to me.
You are all that matters to me –
and have been for such a long while
.
Forgive me
.
’

I bit my lip. ‘It is I who should beg your forgiveness, for I too am sorry. My behaviour was impulsive and ill-thought out. I was irrational, I think, with jealousy. I have had such difficulty coming to terms with all I have done since arriving at Stanton, I scarcely know who I am any more.’

‘Oh, my dearest,’ Jonathan said, and kissed me. His lips were warm and gentle, with none of the previous urgency. He pulled away. ‘
I
know who you are, and I love you. Desperately.’

He knelt on the woodland path and drew me to him, and I relaxed against him, resting my head against his lap and letting his gentle, pine-scented hands stroke my face and soothe me. I lay there a moment before he spoke again.

‘I am going to ask your father for your hand,’ he said suddenly. ‘I will not wait ten years, I cannot. If you will have me now, though it may be difficult, we can marry. Poverty be damned.’

I bit my lip again, remembering Lord Stanton’s offer.

‘I… wish for the same,’ I breathed gently, looking up into his widened eyes. ‘But there are matters that must be discussed.’

‘Our fathers, yes.’

‘No.’ I shook my head, for I cared naught what our fathers said. I was breeding out of wedlock, and there was nothing that my father could say that would change it.

‘I must speak with Lord Stanton.’

His eyes narrowed, and I could see suspicion grow in their depths. ‘Why?’

What could I say? Had I not repeatedly promised my discretion to Lord Stanton? I could not tell Jonathan that I needed to speak to His Lordship about his offer. ‘It is nothing much of import, just my employ. Mayhap he will keep me employed after we marry, so that we have another income to assist in fixing the cottage.’

Abruptly, Jonathan’s eyes hardened. ‘I shall provide for you, Martha. You need not remain at Stanton.’

I said nothing to this, lest Jonathan begin to feel I thought him incapable. So for a quiet moment or two, we remained as we were on the path. After a time, Jonathan began to speak tentatively of some of the renovations he’d begun on the house, then the sound of footfall indicated Stanton and the physician’s return.

‘Miss Swan?’ The fragile but purposeful voice broke our musing. I looked around and saw the elderly physician who frequented Stanton. He was, quite frankly, an unpleasant character to look upon, though evidently very good at his craft.

‘His Lordship has told me you fainted,’ he said, peering down at me with watery blue eyes.

‘Yes,’ I agreed.

‘Did you strike your head upon landing?’ he asked briskly, opening his cracked leather bag and shuffling through for something. He pulled forth a pair of spectacles that looked like they’d seen better days. He placed them on and peered at me once again. Jonathan’s hand tightened on mine.

‘You are looking pale,’ the doctor commented, and reached forth, placing his thumb on my eyelid and hauling it up so as to examine my eyeball. ‘His Lordship has told me you’re with child, is that true?’ he asked.

I felt Jonathan’s hand spasm, and heard his sharp, shocked inhalation.

My throat felt choked and I all I could do was nod dumbly.

‘How far along?’ he asked, taking my wrist now and feeling for the pulsing of my heart. ‘Well?’ he snapped.

‘I… I don’t know,’ I stammered.

‘What does he mean, Martha?’ Jonathan’s voice was weak.

I sent a stricken glance to Lord Stanton, who shrugged, clearly not concerned that my lover had just discovered my condition. Jonathan must have noticed our interaction, because he tensed. ‘Stanton… is this you?’ he growled, his voice raw.

‘Jonathan…’ I began to speak, but was silenced by a grumble of the physician, who was now counting under his breath and glancing at his watch. We all remained silent a moment, as he leaned in and listened to my breathing.

‘Excuse me, madam, if I may just feel your abdomen…’ His hands moved to my lower abdomen and he pressed gently there, no doubt feeling for the child that grew.

‘Well, she seems fine enough. In need of rest, no doubt. Take her back to the house, and I’ll come by in a few days to ensure she remains well, and to examine her breeding state again.’

‘Thank you, Mr Cole. If you would return to the house and see Evans, he will sort out your account. Again, my thanks for your trouble.’

The old physician nodded. ‘Of course, My Lord.’ He then stood, packed his spectacles back into his bag and turned and resumed his walk back to the house.

After a moment or two, I made to stand, and on this occasion I was assisted by both the gentlemen. I took a quick glance at Mr Reeves to find his face tight and his lips a thin, furious line. Lord Stanton had begun to affect the bored air gentlemen of means often do when confronted with the potentially awkward.

I wanted to speak with Jonathan alone, but he spoke before I had chance.

‘Stanton. Is Miss Swan with your child?’ he asked, his voice cold. ‘If I find you’ve abused her, I swear it man, I shall kill you.’

Stanton turned slowly to face Jonathan’s enraged countenance. For a moment they stood face-to-face, a mere arms-breadth apart, before Stanton erupted with abrupt laughter.

‘My child? Good God man, what kind of beast do you think I am?’

‘The kind who goes about dishonouring women whenever the chance avails itself! You’ve a reputation as foul as the Thames and you know it.’

‘Stop, Jonathan, you’re quite mistaken…’ I pleaded, before he said anything too unforgiveable and make Lord Stanton feel uncharitable towards us.

Lord Stanton’s face had uncharacteristically hardened at the insult, and I expected his wrath. Yet he surprised me. ‘Because I know of your attachment to Miss Swan, Reeves, I shall forgive you that slight. The child is not mine; you have my word. I have never shown the slightest interest in your lady friend.’

Mr Reeves looked stricken, clearly torn betwixt wanting to believe him and wanting to throttle him.

‘It’s true, Jonathan. I would never behave in such a manner with my employer. Do you think I am that kind of woman? To even suggest it is wounding,’ I said, momentarily filled with righteous indignation. I instantly regretted my words. Indeed what kind of woman was I? I was a foolish harlot. A harlot who’d seduced Jonathan Reeves on a whim, and gotten herself with child. I was the worst kind of woman, loose, debauched and ruined. I was the very woman Hester Chapone warned her readers about.

I realised then how I must appear in Jonathan’s eyes, and tears of hot shame burned in my eyes. I could not help but give a sob.

I felt a gentle hand upon my shoulder then. ‘Oh my darling, my innocent. It’s not what I think of you, but what I thought of him,’ Jonathan said. ‘I thought he had seduced you, used you, and got you with child against your will.’

Lord Stanton scoffed. ‘I am glad to be held so high in your estimation, Reeves.’

Stanton’s jocularity, however, was lost on us. ‘Oh, Jonathan!’ I wailed, ‘I am not an innocent, you must discard that notion. I seduced you. I was so shamefully, wickedly curious that I’ve ruined myself!’

‘Well, well, Miss Swan,’ Lord Stanton laughed at my impassioned admission. ‘You are quite the dark horse indeed.’

I saw Jonathan throw His Lordship an angry glare and I sobbed even louder. Jonathan swept me into his arms. ‘I adore you. You are no more wicked than I. Thus we should be very well-suited and shall make an excellent match of it. I shall marry you, and claim our child. Never mind the finances, we will be well.’ He kissed my head. ‘I shall go and speak with my cousin post-haste and arrange a marriage license.’

He looked at Lord Stanton then, his face colouring. ‘My most sincere apologies for the insult, My Lord – you must understand, your reputation precedes you, and very poorly at that. I seem to lose my head when matters concern Miss Swan.’