The Mousetrap and Other Plays (18 page)

LADY
WESTHOLME
. I always call dragomen Mahommed.

DRAGOMAN
. I Christian dragoman. Name Aissa, all same Jesus.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Most unsuitable. I shall call you Mahommed, so please don't argue.

DRAGOMAN
. As you like, lady. I always give satisfaction. (
He moves above
LADY
WESTHOLME
and stands between her and
GERARD
.) You see—(
He produces a handful of dirty and torn letters
) here are testimonials. Here one from English lady—Countess like you. Here one from very reverend clergyman—Bishop—wear gaiters and very funny hat. Here letter Miss Coralle Bell, lady who act and dance on stage. All say same thing—Aissa very clean—very religious—know all about Bible history . . .

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
Severely
) I hope you
are
clean. Those testimonials look
filthy
to me.

DRAGOMAN
. No, no, lady—no filthy postcards. No hot stuff. All very Christian—like Aissa. (
He pats his chest.
) Aissa very clean. Very hygiene.

(
MISS
PRYCE
moves down Left Centre.
)

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
To
GERARD
) As I was saying, we will start Tuesday. That will be four of us—Mohommed, you and—and now who is the fourth?

(
MISS
PRYCE
moves to Left of
LADY
WESTHOLME
and gives an apologetic little cough.
)

Oh, yes, Miss Pryce, of course.

MISS
PRYCE
. So kind of you. Really, it will be a wonderful experience. Perhaps a little tiring.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
Cutting her short
) I
never
feel fatigue.

MISS
PRYCE
. It really is wonderful—in spite of all you
do.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. I have always found hard work a great stimulant.

(
MISS
PRYCE
moves and sits Left of the table Centre.
)

I was about to say, Doctor Gerard, that that will leave a vacant place in the car, since Mahommed, of course, will sit beside the driver.

DRAGOMAN
. I stop car, turn round and tell you everything we see.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. That's what I'm afraid of.

(
The
DRAGOMAN
goes on to the terrace, tries to sell curios to the
ITALIAN
GIRL
,
fails, moves to the desk and has a word or two with the
CLERK
.)

It occurred to me that if you knew of anyone suitable it would reduce the
expense.
I abhor useless extravagance. (
She looks pointedly at
SARAH
.)

GERARD
. Miss King? You were, I believe, expressing the wish to visit Petra. May I introduce Miss King—no, Doctor King—Lady Westholme.

(
SARAH
moves to Right of
GERARD
.)

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
Patronizingly
) I am always glad to meet a young woman who has set out to make a career for herself.

MISS
PRYCE
. Yes, women do such
wonderful
things nowadays.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Don't be foolish, Miss Pryce. You had better go with Mahommed and buy that Keatings powder at the chemist's. We shall probably need it.

DRAGOMAN
. (
Moving to Left of
MISS
PRYCE
) No, no—no bugs—no fleas. Everything very nice—very clean.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Get the Keatings.

MISS
PRYCE
. (
Rising
) Yes, yes, of course, Lady Westholme. (
She drops her bag.
)

(
The
DRAGOMAN
picks up
MISS
PRYCE
's bag and returns it to her.
MISS
PRYCE
moves to the arch up Right. The
DRAGOMAN
follows her. She quickens her pace, protesting she does not want to buy anything, until they end almost running off.
)

DRAGOMAN
. (
As they go
) I take you curio shop, too. Crosses, paper knives, inkstands, all made out of olive wood from Mount of Olives. Very nice souvenirs take home. All genuine—no rubbish.

(
MISS
PRYCE
and the
DRAGOMAN
exit up Right.
)

LADY
WESTHOLME
. She's a well-meaning creature, but of course not quite a sahib. Still, one mustn't let her
feel
that. I do so abhor snobbishness. Well, Miss King, I hope you
will
join us. But please do not bring a lot of baggage. We shall travel light.

SARAH
. I shall have to think it over.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
Graciously
) Discuss it with Doctor Gerard. (
To
GERARD
) I think we shall be meeting again at the High Commissioner's at dinner tonight?

GERARD
. I shall look forward to that pleasure.

(
LADY
WESTHOLME
crosses to the chair down Right, sits and reads her paper.
GERARD
and
SARAH
move up Centre to the terrace.
)

(
As they go
) Have you seen the view from the terrace—it is really very fine.

(
GERARD
and
SARAH
exit the terrace to Right.
HIGGS
enters and crosses towards the lift.
)

CLERK
. (
To
HIGGS
) Excuse me, sir, but I am changing your room.

(
HIGGS
stops and stands up Left Centre.
)

There was an unfortunate mistake . . .

HIGGS
. What d'yer mean—mistake? Ah doesn't
want
ter change my room.

(
He moves above the table Centre.
)

CLERK
. Unfortunately we find that room was booked for Lady Westholme. We shall have to move you to the second floor.

HIGGS
. Fer 'oo?

CLERK
. Lady Westholme.

HIGGS
. Lady Westholme! (
He chuckles
) That's a rum 'un. Lady Westholme! Where is she?

LADY
WESTHOLME
. (
Rising and advancing on
HIGGS
) I am Lady Westholme.

HIGGS
. Oh! So
you're
Lady Westholme. Ah'm glad ter meet yer. (
He politely raises his hat.
) Ah've been wantin' ter meet
you
for a long time.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Meet me?

HIGGS
. Aye, you.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Meet me—what for?

HIGGS
. My name's 'Iggs.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. 'Iggs?

HIGGS
. No, not 'Iggs—'Iggs.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Well?

HIGGS
. 'Iggs—Halderman 'Iggs.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Well?

HIGGS
. (
Chuckling
) Ah coom from Lancashire—same as you do—but I see yer doan't know 'oo I am.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. You've just told me, Alderman 'Iggs—Higgs.

HIGGS
. Ah, but it doesn't mean nowt to yer?

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Ought it to?

HIGGS
. Aybe, by gum, it ought. But if yer don't know
why
—I'm not goin' ter
tell
yer. And another thing—I'm not changing any rooms.

LADY
WESTHOLME
. But that room was reserved for
me.

(
The lift door closes and the lift ascends.
)

HIGGS
. Do yer think I'm daft? Ah've been 'ere four days, and soon as
you
arrive ah've got the wrong room. But ah 'aven't—see? Now if you wanted my room special—and coom ter me in a friendly spirit—I doan't say I
would
of—but I
might
of—see? This may be
King Solomon 'Otel
, but you're not Queen of Sheba. (
He moves up Centre.
)

(
LADY
WESTHOLME
decides to ignore
HIGGS
and turns on the
CLERK
.)

LADY
WESTHOLME
. Unless I am moved down to the first floor by this evening I shall report the matter to the High Commissioner.

CLERK
. But, your ladyship, I . . .

LADY
WESTHOLME
. I never argue.

(
LADY
WESTHOLME
turns and exits up Right.
)

HIGGS
. (
To the
CLERK
) And if you so much as shift a bluddy toothbrush from that room I won't pay a bluddy penny.

(
HIGGS
exits on the terrace to Left.
SARAH
and
GERARD
enter on the terrace from Right, come into the room and stand Right Centre.
)

SARAH
. (
As they enter
) I certainly would love to see Petra—and I definitely couldn't afford to go on my own.

(
The lift descends and the door opens.
RAYMOND
enters from the lift. The door closes and the lift ascends.
)

GERARD
. Then I think you will come?

(
SARAH
turns and sees
RAYMOND
.)

SARAH
. I—I'm not sure . . .

(
GERARD
looks amused and exits up Right.
)

RAYMOND
. (Agitated) I—I
must
speak to you.

SARAH
. (
Moving to Right of the table Centre, amused
) Well, why not?

RAYMOND
. (
Moving to Left of the table Centre
) You don't understand. I'd like to tell you . . . (
He breaks off.
)

SARAH
. Is anything the matter?

RAYMOND
. I came down to see if Mother had left her spectacles on the table here. I—I mustn't be long.

SARAH
. Is there such a hurry?

RAYMOND
. You see, my mother—(
He pauses
) You don't know my mother.

SARAH
. I caught a glimpse of her on the train last night, and I saw her sitting here this afternoon.

RAYMOND
. You see—she's not very strong. She's got a bad heart. We—we have to take care of her.

SARAH
. You seem a very devoted family.

RAYMOND
. (
Turning away Left Centre
) Oh, yes, we are a very devoted family.

SARAH
. Well, don't sound so depressed about it. I'm sure it's a very nice thing to be.

RAYMOND
. (
Moving to Left of the table Centre
) Oh, how I wish . . . I can't say what I want to say. (
Desperately
) I've no time. And I may never have the chance of talking to you like this again.

SARAH
. Why ever not? You're not leaving Jerusalem at once, are you?

RAYMOND
. No, but—my mother doesn't like us talking to people outside the family.

SARAH
. But how absurd.

RAYMOND
. Yes, that's what it must seem like—just absurd.

SARAH
. I'm sorry if I was rude. I know it's awfully difficult sometimes for parents to realize that their children are grown up—and, of course, if your mother isn't very strong . . . (
She hesitates
) But still, you know, it's a pity to give in. One must stand up for one's rights.

RAYMOND
. You don't understand.

SARAH
. Even if it seems unkind one must be free to live one's own life.

RAYMOND
. Free? None of us will ever be free.

SARAH
. What do you mean?

RAYMOND
. We're not free.

SARAH
. Why don't you leave home?

RAYMOND
. Because I wouldn't know where to go or what to do. Oh, you don't understand. None of us has ever left home. We've never been to school, we've never had any friends. We've no money.

(
The lift descends and the door opens.
)

SARAH
. I suppose you could make some money.

RAYMOND
. How?

(
NADINE
enters from the lift. The door closes and the lift ascends.
SARAH
and
RAYMOND
watch
NADINE
as she moves Left of
RAYMOND
.)