The Miraculous Makeover of Lizard Flanagan (3 page)

“Yeah,” Zach said. “The World Series doesn't take underdog victories into account, either. Lizard's right. You've got to look at the long-term record of the team.”

“What are we eating today?” I asked her.

“Your choice,” she said. “Sloppy joes, pizza, or macaroni and cheese.”

“My brother told me the only good food here is the pizza,” Stinky said.

The woman scowled at him.

I took a yellow tray and walked down the line while the women behind the counter served up my food. They handed me the plate at the end of the line, and I went back to our lunch table.

“The Yankees are my team,” Ed said. “If you want to talk long-term record, look at CC Sabathia.”

I turned to him. “Sabathia has had physical problems, though. And his velocity has decreased.”

“So what?”

I scooped up a spoonful of apple salad and glanced over at the next table. Ginger Flush sat with the beautiful blonde girl who'd stared at Zach before school. Some other squealers were there, too. They were looking at us and whispering. Ginger's face lit up like fireworks in a summer sky when she saw me looking at her, and she waved. I nodded to her.

I turned back to Zach. He was talking about the fishing trip he'd taken last week with his dad to the boundary waters in northeastern Minnesota.

“The mosquitoes grow as big as hummingbirds up there,” he was saying. “You lie in your tent at night and you can hear millions of them buzzing all around you in the woods.”

“Big as hummingbirds?” Stinky sneered.

“Really,” Zach said. “A man stripped naked would be drained of all his blood in two hours.”

“I bet.” Stinky was still skeptical.

“From the mosquitoes?” Ed said. “No way.”

All the guys were listening with their mouths open. “Zach's right,” I said. “My family went camping once in Canada. We rubbed insect repellent all over us, even under our clothes, but that didn't stop the mosquitoes. They bit us right through our clothes. We had welts all over us the size of quarters.”

“Oh, man, that's disgusting,” Mike said. Now they were all looking at me.

“Sam and I tried sleeping in the car, but the mosquitoes came through the vents to get us.”

The guys shivered at the thought.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Oh, Liz,” said Ginger Flush, who had appeared suddenly at my side. “This is my friend, Lisa St. George.” She turned to the girl standing next to her. “Lisa, this is Liz Flanagan, my
locker partner.
” She said those last two words as if I were a celebrity or something.

“It's Lizard,” I said. “Not Liz.”

Ginger giggled. “Whatever,” she said, smiling. “‘A rose by any other name would smell as sweet!' That's Shakespeare.” No one said anything, but Lisa looked at her and rolled her eyes. “Well, I just wanted you two to meet.”

Lisa was a living Barbie doll. Her hair was blond and flowing, and her eyes were big and swimming-pool blue. Even her teeth were straight and white. It was irritating just looking at her.

There were three other girls with Ginger, but she didn't bother to introduce them. They stood there with little smiles on their faces, looking around at the guys sitting at the table. One girl was chomping on a big wad of gum. She snapped it, and it sounded like a pistol shot.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw three figures approach. I turned just in time to see one of the girls stumble into Lisa, nearly knocking her over.

Lisa glared at the girl and said under her breath, “Get out of my sight, you geek.” Only Ginger and I—and the girl she'd said it to—heard her.

The girl's face turned red; she looked both angry and embarrassed.

“Come on, Shannon,” said one of her friends.

Shannon glowered at Lisa, then hurried off with the two girls.

Ginger looked at me. “Those girls really get on Lisa's nerves,” she whispered. “Especially Shannon.”

“How come?”

She shrugged. “Probably just because they exist. All three—Shannon, Angie, and Cheryl—are from our old school. Shannon used to be Lisa's best friend, but Lisa's really cool now and doesn't like Shannon anymore.”

I looked over to see Lisa staring at Zach across the table. Her mouth was partly open in a tiny smile.

I looked over at Zach. He glanced self-consciously over at Lisa, then down at his sloppy joe.

The other guys at the table were acting as weird as Zach, shifting back and forth in their seats as if they had ants in their pants.

Ginger went on talking. “Liz, after school—”

“Lizard,” I said.

“Oh, yeah. Anyway, after school we're all going to go to the mall. Stylers is having a humongous back-to-school sale. You want to come with us?”

I'd never been in Stylers, but I'd heard the girls in my class talk about it. It sells expensive clothes—the kind you see on models on TV. I prefer the Gap and the sportswear department at Sears, myself.

“No,” I said. “Thanks, but I'm going over to Zach's house after school.” I heard the girls, all together, take in a quick breath. “He's going to show me the stuff he got for his birthday.”

“Ohhh,” said Lisa. She beamed a megawatt smile at Zach. “You just had a birthday?”

Zach's ears turned pink and he said, “Yeah,” so softly I could hardly hear him. Stinky snorted and elbowed him in the ribs. Zach elbowed him back and glanced all around him, everywhere but at the girls.

“You turned twelve, Zach?” Lisa asked.

“Yeah,” Zach said.

“You're
older
than we are!” Ginger said. “I don't have my birthday until January. I'm a Capricorn.”

No one commented on that bit of trivia, but the guys all looked at one another and grinned more idiotically than before.

“My birthday is in March,” Lisa offered.

“She's an Aries,” Ginger added.

No one said anything. I couldn't think of anything to say either, so I nodded and said, “Great.”

“Well, we'll see you guys later,” Ginger said. “Don't worry about not coming with us, Liz—ard. We'll get together later.”

“I'm not worried,” I said. The girls left. I turned to the guys. “Why would she think I'd be worried?”

They ignored my question. Ed turned to Zach and punched him on the arm. “You see Lisa gawking at you, Walters? I think she's
in love
!”

“Shut up, Mechtensteimer!” Zach's ears were bright red by now, and the rest of the face was catching up.

“She's beautiful, Walters,” Stinky teased. “I think you should
go for it
!”

“Hey, did you see the poster for the dance?” Ed said. “It's a Welcome to Truman Middle School dance for sixth graders next Friday after school. You could take Lisa.”

“You could dance with her,” Stinky said. “Real close. Maybe even kiss her!”

“What are you guys talking about?” I said, suddenly irritable. “Zach isn't interested in her!”

“I think he is,” Ed said, grinning. “You see how red his face is?”

Andy leaned over and batted his eyelashes and made loud kissing noises.

Ed laughed. “Let's call Lisa back and tell her.” He stood up, looking for Lisa.

Zach lunged at Ed and knocked him on the floor. He scrambled over and put a headlock on him. “Yeah?” Zach said. “Well, you can stick it in your ear, Mechtensteimer!”

“Geez, let go, will you?” Ed said. His face was turning purple from lack of air.

Mr. Sanders, the lunchroom supervisor (you can translate that as
warden
), saw Zach and Ed on the floor and charged toward them. Zach saw him coming and let go of Ed.

“No more of that!” Mr. Sanders said, pointing at Zach.

“I was only kidding, Walters,” Ed said, rubbing his neck. Then he grinned. “But I still think you should go for it.”

“You guys weren't any better than Zach was in front of those girls!” I said to Ed and Stinky and Mike and Andy. “You squirmed around, grinning like idiots the whole time they were standing here!”

“They were starin' right at us!” Stinky said.

“So what?” I said. “Haven't you ever seen
girls
before?”

There was a little silence before Ed said with awe, “Not like them.”

I didn't like his tone of voice.

I looked over at Zach, who was staring into space wearing a dumb expression.

What's the matter with these bozos?
I thought. They were all acting subhuman—like strangers.

I didn't know it yet, but that's exactly what they were turning into.

My closest friends were starting through The Change.

3

“
I gotta talk to you!
”

Even over the noise of banging lockers in the hall, I heard Ginger yell. It was the end of the day and everybody was dumping their school stuff and heading for home.

Ginger rushed up, stopped right in front of me, and pushed her face into mine. “I gotta talk to you!” she said again. I noticed that she still had a little apple salad from lunch stuck in her braces. I backed up a step.

“What about?” I asked her.

“How did you do it?” she asked breathlessly.

“Do what?”

“How did you get yourself invited to Zach Walters's house?” Ginger's eyes bored into mine.

I took another step back. “I didn't do anything to get myself invited,” I said. “He just asked me to come over.”

Ginger collapsed against the locker next to ours.

“He's so gorgeous, I just can't believe it,” she said.

I was about to say, “So what?” but she didn't stop jabbering long enough to give me the chance.

“You're going to his house right now?”

“Yeah—” I said.

“You're so lucky to be his girlfriend,” Ginger said.

“I'm not his girlfriend. I mean, I'm a girl and I'm his friend, but—”

“You're not his girlfriend?”

“No,” I said. “Zach's my pal. We've been friends since practically forever.”

“Your
pal?
” Ginger looked at me as if she couldn't believe it. “You mean to tell me you're just friends?”

“Yeah.”

She stared at me for a long moment as if she were trying to understand something that was too complicated for her. Finally she started to smile. “Gee, that's great!”

“What?” I said.

“Lisa will be so happy! She's been depressed all afternoon thinking that you're Zach's girlfriend.”

That was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, but I let it pass.

“Okay,” I said. “See you tomorrow.”

“I can't wait to find her and tell her the good news!”

“'Bye,” I said.

She waved and hurried off down the hall. I watched her go. It was going to be a long year having Ginger as a locker partner.

I found Mary Ann waiting just outside.

“I'm going home to change,” she said. “Then I'll meet you guys at Zach's house.”

“Kind of hot in the old panty hose?” I couldn't resist saying it, but I tried not to smile too much.

“Tights. It wasn't too bad,” she said. I knew she was lying because she didn't look at me.

We walked together down the sidewalk. She would be turning off in a few blocks to go to her house.

“So how were your classes?” I asked her.

“Okay,” she said. “I think science and language arts will be good. I like the teachers, and the kids seem nice. How about yours?”

“Boring,” I said. “I don't have P.E. till tomorrow, but I'm sure that'll be fun.”

“Did you meet anyone new who seems nice?”

“Not really,” I said. “I mostly hung out with Ed and Stinky. They were in most of my classes. Zach and Andy and Mike had lunch with us. Too bad you missed it.”

“I guess I kind of want to branch out this year,” she said.

Branching out made me think of squirrels.

“I've got Squirrely Pearly for language arts,” I said. “I've heard she doesn't make you write very much.”

“Oh,” Mary Ann said. “I've got Mrs. Peddycoart. She says we'll be writing poetry in class.”

“I like poetry,” I said. “Especially if it's funny. Like ‘There was an old lady from Lynn, who—'”

“That's a limerick,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said. “Don't you want to hear it?”

“Sure.”

“
There was an old lady from Lynn,

Who was so exceedingly thin

That when she assayed

To drink lemonade,

She slipped through the straw and fell in.
”

“That's a good one,” Mary Ann said. “But I think Mrs. Peddycoart meant regular poetry. Some of it doesn't even rhyme.”

“Why would anyone write a poem that doesn't rhyme?”

“I don't know,” Mary Ann said. “I think poetry that doesn't rhyme is supposed to be more sophisticated or something. Mrs. Peddycoart said we'll be doing more advanced things than we did in elementary school.”

“Oh.”

We'd arrived at the corner where Mary Ann was going to turn off.

“I'll see you at Zach's,” she said.

“Right,” I said. “See you.”

Zach's house wasn't far, about three blocks. I decided to time myself and see how long it took me to run there.

I stretched a bit to warm up. Then I set the timer on my watch, picked a crack on the sidewalk as my starting line, and crouched.

“Ready, set,
go
!” I said, and took off.

The guys were sitting on Zach's front porch, their bicycles scattered around the yard.

“Here she comes,” Sam called out.

I really pulled out all the stops then, and tore past the porch in a final burst of speed.

“You run from school?” Sam asked.

I breathed hard and walked with my arms resting on the top of my head, cooling down.