Read The Merry Wives of Windsor Online
Authors: William Shakespeare
Caius sheathes his sword
[
Enter Host, Shallow, Slender and Page
]
HOST
Bless thee, bully doctor.
SHALLOW
’Save
17
you, Master Doctor Caius.
PAGE
Now, good master doctor.
SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir.
CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
HOST
To see thee fight, to see thee
foin
, to see thee
traverse
21
,
to see thee here, to see thee there, to see thee pass thy
punto,
22
thy stock, thy
reverse
, thy
distance
, thy
montant
23
. Is he dead,
my
Ethiopian
? Is he dead, my
Francisco
24
? Ha, bully! What says
my
Aesculapius
, my
Galen
, my
heart of elder
25
? Ha? Is he dead,
bully stale
26
? Is he dead?
CAIUS
By gar, he is de coward Jack-priest of de vorld. He is
not show his face.
HOST
Thou art a
Castalion
king-urinal
.
Hector of Greece
29
,
my boy!
CAIUS
I pray you bear witness that me have stay, six or
seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW
He is the wiser man, Master Doctor: he is a curer of
souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you should fight, you go
against the hair
35
of your professions. Is it not true, Master
Page?
PAGE
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great
fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW
Bodykins
39
, Master Page, though I now be old and of
the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to
make one
40
.
Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master
Page, we have some
salt
42
of our youth in us. We are the sons
of women, Master Page.
PAGE
’Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page.— Master Doctor
Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace.
You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh
hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You
must go with me, Master Doctor.
HOST
Pardon,
guest-justice
. A word, Monsieur
Mockwater
50
.
CAIUS
Mock-vater? Vat is dat?
HOST
Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
CAIUS
By gar, then I have as much mock-vater as de
Englishman. Scurvy
Jack-dog
54
priest! By gar, me vill cut his
ears.
HOST
He will
clapper-claw
56
thee tightly, bully.
CAIUS
Clapper-de-claw? Vat is dat?
HOST
That is, he will make thee amends.
CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me, for,
by gar, me vill have it.
HOST
And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
CAIUS
Me tank you for dat.
HOST
And, moreover, bully— but first,
Speaks aside with Shallow, Page and Slender
Master guest, and Master Page, and eke
Cavaliero Slender, go you through the
town to
Frogmore
66
.
PAGE
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
HOST
He is there. See what humour he is in. And I will
bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
SHALLOW
We will do it.
PAGE, SHALLOW
and
SLENDER
Adieu, good Master Doctor.
[
Exeunt Page, Shallow and Slender
]
CAIUS
By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak
for a jack-
72
an-ape to Anne Page.
HOST
Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience, throw cold
water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me through
Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a
farmhouse a-feasting, and thou shalt woo her.
Cried game
77
,
said I well?
CAIUS
By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I love you, and
I shall procure-a you de good guest: de earl, de knight, de
lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
HOST
For the which I will be thy
adversary
82
toward Anne
Page. Said I well?
CAIUS
By gar, ’tis good, vell said.
HOST
Let us wag, then.
CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
Exeunt
running scene 8
Enter Evans and Simple
.
Evans with a sword in one hand and a book in the other, Simple carrying Evans’ gown
EVANS
I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man,
and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked
for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of
physic
3
?
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the
Petty-ward
, the
Park-ward
4
, every
way:
Old Windsor
5
way, and every way but the town way.
EVANS
I most fehemently desire you, you will also look
that way.
SIMPLE
I will, sir.
Steps aside and keeps watch
EVANS
Pless my soul, how full of
chollors
9
I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me.
How melancholies I am! I will
knog
his
urinals
11
about his
knave’s
costard
12
when I have good opportunities for the ’ork.
Pless my soul!
To shallow rivers
, to whose
falls
14
Sings
Melodious birds sings
madrigals
15
.
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
Sings
— And a thousand
vagram
22
posies.
To shallow, etc.
SIMPLE
Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.
EVANS
He
24
’s welcome.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls—
Sings
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?
SIMPLE
No weapons
28
, sir. There comes my master, Master
Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the
stile, this way.
Enter Page, Shallow and Slender
EVANS
Pray you give me my gown, or else keep it in your
arms.
Reads his Bible
SHALLOW
How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir
Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student
from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER
Ah, sweet Anne Page!
Aside?
PAGE
’Save you, good Sir Hugh!
EVANS
’Pless you
from
38
his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW
What, the sword and the
word
39
? Do you study them
both, Master Parson?
PAGE
And youthful still: in your
doublet and hose
41
, this
raw rheumatic day?
EVANS
There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, Master
Parson.
EVANS
Fery well: what is it?
PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who,
belike
47
,
having received wrong by some person, is
at most odds
48
with
his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
SHALLOW
I have lived
fourscore
50
years and upward: I never
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning so
wide of his
51
own respect.
EVANS
What is he?
PAGE
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
EVANS
Got’s will, and his passion of my heart, I had
as lief
56
you would tell me of a
mess of porridge
57
.
PAGE
Why?
EVANS
He has no more knowledge in
Hibocrates
59
and
Galen, and he is a knave besides —
a cowardly
60
knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE
I warrant you,
he’s
62
the man should fight
To Shallow
with him.
SLENDER
O sweet Anne Page!
Aside?
SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
[
Enter Host, Caius and Rugby
]
Evans and Caius prepare to fight
PAGE
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW
So do you, good Master Doctor.
HOST
Disarm them, and let them
question
69
.
Shallow and Page take their swords
Let them keep their limbs whole and
hack
70
our English.
CAIUS
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
EVANS
Pray you, use your patience.— In good
Aside to Caius/Aloud
time.
CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
EVANS
Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks
Aside to Caius
to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will
one way or other make you amends.— I will knog your
urinal about your knave’s
coxcomb
80
.
Aloud
CAIUS
Diable!
Jack Rugby, mine host de Jarteer, have I not
stay
82
for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
EVANS
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the
place appointed, I’ll be
judgement by
84
mine host of the Garter.
HOST
Peace, I say,
Gallia and Gaul
85
, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!
CAIUS
Ay, dat is very good, excellent.
HOST
Peace, I say. Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic
? Am I
subtle
? Am I a
Machiavel
89
? Shall I lose my doctor?
No, he gives me the potions and the
motions
90
. Shall I lose my
parson? My priest? My Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the
proverbs and the
no-verbs
92
. Give me thy hand,
To Caius/To Evans
terrestrial
, so. Give me thy hand,
celestial
93
, so.
Boys of
art
94
, I have deceived you both: I have directed you
to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are
whole, and let burned sack be the
issue
96
.—