The Lost Soul Trilogy (Primani Book 5) (87 page)

“Do you have any idea what you put Mica through? She nearly lost her mind worrying about you! You used her and you
hurt
her. You damn well better start explaining before I start re-breaking your face!”

Sean’s control broke and he jumped off the bed. He jammed a finger into Killian’s chest and shouted, “Go ahead! Do it! For God’s sake, it doesn’t matter anymore! Are you pissed off? Get in line!” He laughed bitterly and added, “Shit, I’ve hurt everyone around me! I’m a friggin’ disaster! You should’ve let me die!”

“What are you talking about? What else have you done?”

“I’ve screwed up so much I don’t even know where to start! Mica? My only job was keeping her alive, and instead I got pissed off and turned my back on her. I was ready to
marry
her and I walked away the second things got complicated. I should’ve been with her that night! I should’ve forgiven her. She lost our baby because I was
sulking
like some kind of prima donna! I heard you talking to Raphael. She still hasn’t recovered. It’s my fault. There’s nothing I can do to fix that.”

Lowering his voice, he said, “And Dec…He’s gone because I didn’t have his back. How many years did we fight beside each other? I should’ve known what he’d do…I should’ve stopped him. Now he’s gone.”

With that, he sat with his head in his hands, jaw clenched and eyes squeezed shut.

Killian searched for the right words. “There is nothing you could’ve done to save Dec, Sean. What happened to him was Jordan’s doing. You want to help Dec? Get your shit together so we can send Jordan to Hell where he belongs. In the meantime, have some faith. The angels know what they’re doing.”

Sean’s head snapped up. “Do they? Really? I don’t know if I believe that. What are we supposed to be doing out there? I don’t even know anymore! I thought I was doing the right thing…I destroyed more demons than I can count this month…all in the name of Good. I killed them to protect humans. But then I realized something. The humans were worse than the demons.” He shrugged and turned away. “So what’s the point?”

“That’s enough, Sean.”

Mica stood in the doorway with anger glittering in her eyes. Killian and Sean both backed away. She advanced on Sean until she had pressed him into the wall. Craning her neck to see him, she hissed in frustration and yanked him to her level.

“Consider this an intervention. Sit!”

He sat.

Killian leaned against the wall. Here it comes.

“First of all, you’re missing the bigger picture. Don’t be an idiot! Will you let James win? He
hated
you! He wanted to destroy you, and you’ve let him. He knew you better than you know yourself! He said those things to rip you to pieces.”

She threw her hands up in exasperation. “He
counted
on your stupid ego to destroy you. He knew you’d be furious and that your pride would keep you from forgiving me. He knew you’d let it eat you alive until you were so consumed with bitterness that you’d begin to question everything Primani. He knew you’d need to kill and destroy to quell the anger.” Her voice dropped to a stage whisper, “After all, it happened to him, didn’t it?”

Sean blanched and reached out to placate her. She smacked the top of his hand like an angry nun. Killian smothered a grin. That’s my girl!

“Try that again, and you’ll pull back a bloody stump! I’m not going to calm down.”

Killian watched her face as she read Sean the riot act. She glowed with anger, but more than that. Her eyes betrayed the desperation he sensed in her mood. She was positive she could save him, redeem him. She’d probably kill him herself if he didn’t immediately cooperate. Looking at the stubborn tilt to her chin as she yelled at Sean, he thought she just might be able to do it.

“Mica, please--” Sean tried to interrupt.

She raised a hand to silence him. “I’m not finished yelling at you. You can talk when I’m done.” Narrowing her eyes, she stuck her nose against his and said sweetly, “You
will
talk when I’m done. You’re gonna sing like a canary or I’ll have my boyfriend rip your head off. Got it?”

Killian couldn’t quite smother the grin and hastily turned away from Sean.

Sean elbowed him and muttered, “This is your fault, you know. She was
nice
when she was with me.”

Mica paused to collect her thoughts. She studied Sean’s expression and the emotions swirling around him.

Regrouping, she stepped back and considered him with gentle eyes, her expression loving. She knelt and took his hands in hers. Rubbing his fingers lightly, she said, “Sean, I don’t blame you for my miscarriage. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Sometimes they just happen. At first, I was depressed and mad, but I’ve worked through my feelings. I think you haven’t. You’ve been saving up this rage and it’s going to destroy you.” She pressed his fingers against her lips and kissed them. “I’m telling you to let it go. Let all of it go.” Her voice was low and smooth, hypnotic. He took a shuddering breath and looked up.

Sean’s eyes reflected the naked pain he clung to.

“Let it go.”

“Mica…I’m sorry. For everything,” he whispered with tears in his eyes as he let go of the guilt.

Brushing his cheek, she said, “I know you are. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I wish I could take back what I did, but I can’t. I hope you can forgive me. I forgave you a long time ago. Can you forgive yourself?” Her expression said he would if he knew what was good for him.

She nodded meaningfully at Killian who cracked his knuckles and glared at Sean.

Sean gave in. “You’re sure?” At her nod, he said, “I’ll work on it, love.”

Laughing with relief, Mica wrapped her arms around him. They clung to each other; Sean soaking up the gentle touch of forgiveness, and Mica the soft warmth of healing.

Watching the two of them together, Killian felt the universe settle back into its proper position. Sometimes the angels knew what they were doing.

I DRAGGED MYSELF out of bed and stumbled into the shower before I realized where I was. The penthouse…last night’s rescue came flooding back to me and I broke speed records getting dressed. Throwing clothes out of the dresser, I couldn’t find any that looked good. Frowning at the sloppy fit, I settled for yoga pants and a tank top.

“You hate that, don’t you?” Killian observed from the kitchen island. He and Sean had eaten and were chilling out and catching up.

Stopping dead, I scowled at him and answered, “It’s just so, so…sloppy. How could you stand me in this stuff? It’s so college student.”

He rolled his eyes at Sean’s confused expression. “We went to Paris.”

“Hey! You took me shopping, remember? I seem to recall you liked everything just fine.”

His eyes warmed, and I turned pink remembering the sapphire blue lingerie. He let his eyes linger on mine and I heard him sigh inside my head. I glanced at Sean but he wasn’t paying attention to us. He’d turned to look out the French doors. I slipped behind Killian and leaned my cheek on his shoulder. As usual, he reached up and caught my hand in his.

How is he?
I asked silently.

Better. We have work to do though.

Out loud, he said, “Hey Sean, when do you want us to resurrect your memories?”

“I’m not sure I want to. What if they’re fading because I’m not supposed to remember them?”

“That’s crap and you know it,” I said. “You know better than that. If you’re going crazy trying to remember, then you need to remember. Don’t be a wuss. We’ll figure it out and between the three of us, we’ll fix it. There’s no other option.”

Killian agreed, “I hate to admit it, but she’s right about this. Repressed memories are dangerous. You need to know what’s happening and deal with it.”

Sean turned and slowly sat at the island. After a few minutes of silence, he said, “Okay, let’s do it. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Well, we might as well get comfortable then,” I said on the way to the living room.

Once we’d sat down and gotten comfortable, I nibbled on my lip, considering our options. I thought I could enter his mind and pull up the distant memories like scattered postcards. In my imagination, they would be scattered around the peripheral edges of his larger memory. Between Killian and I, we ought to be able to bring them to the front so Sean could make sense of them. It didn’t seem to be too complicated and Killian agreed when I shared my plan.

He nodded and said, “I only have one major concern. Sean, you have to pay attention and help us. Don’t fight us or it might not work. Let the memories flow even if they suck. We’re all big people here; we’ll deal with whatever happened. Also, Dec isn’t here to anchor us. I don’t think I need to tell you how bad it would be for Mica to get trapped inside your head.”

We all laughed at the idea, but I cringed inside. Yeah, that would not be a good outcome.

Sean said, “How about if I try to anchor her? It might help.” He linked his fingers through mine.

Moving closer to me, Killian wrapped his hand around my free one. He plucked the locket from under my shirt so it lay gleaming in the morning light. Taking a deep breath, I settled my mind and looked into Sean’s face. Sean met my eyes and opened his mind to me. His irises were darker than usual but still formed of shades of blue and pieced together in layers of color. I ignored the puzzle pieces and went deeper into his head. Within seconds, I was totally absorbed in his memories.

At first the images slid past like a vacation slideshow--A reverse vacation slideshow. One right after the next, memories slid from one side to the other. I saw the images from today first. Then yesterday’s appalling bar fight; then the assassination of Lyle Holliday. Slowly I moved back in time, carefully sifting through his memories, unwilling to hurt him by rushing. I imagined this must feel odd to him, like having surgery with local anesthetic. You couldn’t feel the actual pain, but the pressure was there…unpleasant, but not unbearable.

Stoic as usual, Sean sat still and simply squeezed my hand harder whenever a particular bad memory drifted by. Suddenly I hit an invisible wall. There were images behind it, but I couldn’t see them. The clear wall reflected the pale light like a sheet of glass.

“Sean? Can you see this?” I murmured to him.

“It’s blurry to me. What is it?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to keep moving backwards.”

As I peered more closely, I realized the image was of him coming to me in the forest the day we called him home. It was a blur of green trees and fuzzy impressions. His brain hadn’t been fully functioning and couldn’t capture the images like it normally would have. I needed to go deeper to see the whole picture from the beginning. I moved further into the images and they got darker and less clear as I moved along. I didn’t bother to look at them until I reached a solid black wall.

This couldn’t be good.

Reaching around it, I saw Sean at the moment of the explosion in Vermont. His face contorted in agony as the two blasts pulled him into two directions. Sean’s fingers squeezed mine until my knuckles ground together and I winced.

Killian whispered, “Keep going. I’ve got Sean.” The pressure on my fingers eased and Sean released the breath he’d been holding.

Are you seeing this?
I asked Killian.

Yes, I’m with you, but you don’t need my help this time. Use your powers to see behind the darkness.

The black wall had to go, so I directed some of my
saol
to my palm and lifted the soft light in front of me. The wall shimmered in the glow and disappeared. Sean’s breath hitched and his heart sped up. My own heart went off like a jackhammer and I clung to the terrifying vision exploding into chaos around me. In one agonizing heartbeat, Sean’s body exploded like a star into billions of particles of light that expanded in every direction. The screaming of a million souls echoed around us, soaking into my pores and turning my blood to ice.

What had once been Sean was now dust.

Oh, God! I did that to him! It was my fault!

Easy, Princess. It’s over, remember? Breathe and move forward.

Gulping a great lungful of air, I struggled to keep my heart from racing and losing the vision. Poor Sean! What he’d gone through was enough to destroy anyone. It was a miracle we ever got him back. I was still panting with emotion when Killian rubbed his fingers over my rune. An immediate sense of calm floated over me.

Focus, babe. Panic later. Sean’s struggling here.

I held my breath and moved to the next memory. Now they moved in forward motion…weird. What happened? The black wall must be a starting point of some kind. I shook my head mentally and shoved that aside. I didn’t care how the mind worked, as long as it did. The next memories were ethereal, light. The images were blurry and vague. It seemed as though he existed without form or conscious thought for a long time. It was him but there wasn’t any real memory to see. It was more like a set of impressions; colors and sensations, sounds. He floated in this limbo until gradually his mind began to wake up. Very slowly, he began to call to the pieces that floated and they came to him. The essential part of him refused to give up…refused to die.

His only focus was on surviving.

To that end, he pulled himself together until his core was recognizable. His mind was still shaky at this point and he had no previous memories.

Sean squeezed my hand and stopped me. He said, “Wait. I need a minute.” His whole body trembled beside me while I held the vision in my mind. After a minute, he told me to keep going.

I moved forward and came to another glass wall. The memory behind it was clear, but it was like looking through a window. Odd. This was how Sean would see these memories. Why did he separate himself from them? I started to move when I felt Sean’s consciousness interfere. He was taking control and I wasn’t able to stop him.

“I’ve got it. Let me do this,” he whispered next to me.

Instead of fighting with him, I slipped out of the way and let him unfold the reclusive images. Once I’d unlocked them, they came pouring back to him. As Killian and I watched, they played out like a movie in his mind.

Sean’s eyes opened to find a woman leaning over him. She was wrapped in a dark cloak with a hood covering most of her head. Her eyes were wary as she hesitated next to him. He blinked up at her and her face swirled in a lazy circle. Nausea churned in his stomach and he turned over and retched in the grass. When he leaned back again, she was still there.

“Where am I?”

Her blue eyes were huge as she stared at him. Without answering, she turned away.

“Wait!” he croaked.

She stopped and turned back around to study him with careful eyes. Her expression was hard to read. She didn’t say a word. She just stared at him as if he’d suddenly grown another head. He pushed himself into a sitting position and rubbed at his eyes. He was sitting at the edge of a stream. The sunlight sparkled off of the gurgling water and tiny rainbows of color dotted the air above it. Pretty...Cognition was slowly creeping back. His brain tried to turn over and work, but it stuttered like a clogged carburetor. True, he wasn’t firing on all cylinders...

Realizing he was thirsty, he got to his feet and lurched and stumbled to the creek. Legs weren’t working all that well either.

After filling his stomach, he splashed his face and shaking hands then sat down before he fell down. His head felt oddly light and he was dizzy. The brilliant colors hurt his eyes and he had to squint to see. The land was green around him with the exception of the crystalline water. To his right, the land rolled gently towards a small hill. The grass was long and waved gently in the slight breeze. To his left, an overgrown forest loomed dark and foreboding in the fading light.

Where the hell was he?

Who
the hell was he?

His mind was blank.

Seeming to come to a decision, the woman hovered beside him and said, “It’ll be dark soon. You should come with me.” Without waiting for him to agree, she walked away.

He stared after her, unable to fathom what she wanted him to do. He’d heard her words, but they didn’t make sense to him.

“What is the matter with you? Come with me or you’ll be stuck here all night!” She’d come back and grabbed his hand.

A few minutes later, they entered a small cabin. She pointed to a thick grass mat and told him he could sleep on it near the fire. She lifted a sturdy length of wood and said, “Try to touch me and I’ll take your head off. Do you understand?”

Sean blinked and sat down. He had no idea what she was talking about. Touch her? He was exhausted and his head ached. Instead of talking to her, he lay down on the mat and slept for several days. When he finally awoke his brain felt clearer. His headache was almost gone and he understood the woman when she spoke to him again.

She was in the middle of making some kind of food over the fire when she realized he was awake. Her back went ramrod straight even as she gauged his strength, his size.

She was afraid of him, he thought. Had he done something wrong? He wracked his memory for something but it was blank. He had nothing. She was watching his eyes with real fear and backed away from him.

Holding out his hands, he said calmly, voice husky from disuse, “I’m not going to hurt you. Don’t be afraid.” He tried to smile but it felt stiff, the muscles not quite moving as they should.

Instead, he growled, “What’s your name?” He cleared his throat again.

Still cautious, she said, “Aisling. Are you Primani?” Her eyes drifted to his, and she added, “Your eyes are blue.”

Sean said, “Are they? I don’t remember. What’s a primani?”

Aisling considered him with suspicion and asked, “What do you remember?”

“Nothing.”

“It’ll come back. What about your name?”

Sean tried to think but was overcome by an image of the chaos of being scattered. The ripping sound and screaming souls sent his stomach turning again. Shaking his head to clear the nightmare, he tried to remember his name. It just wasn’t there. His memory was full of fuzzy colors…Something more solid hung at the very edge of his memory but it was unclear.

“Nothing. Damn it!” He stood up and began to pace the space of the small room. Aisling backed away from him and put the rough-carved table between them. Her knuckles were white around the stick she gripped in front of her. Sean stopped and sighed in exasperation.

“I’m
not
going to hurt you. Why are you so afraid of me?”

Instead of answering him, she headed for the door and left it open behind her. Assuming she wanted him to follow, Sean hurried to catch up with her. She stopped in the middle of the meadow and spun in a circle with arms extended.

“Do you see this? All of this? There is nothing here.
No one
here. No one but me.” She lowered her arms and frowned at him, “And now you.”

The world swam and tilted as her words sank in. Sean held out an arm for balance and swallowed the bile rising in the back of his throat.