The Lost Soul Trilogy (Primani Book 5) (62 page)

After a few minutes, he tapped on the door. “Mica? What’s wrong, child? Are you hurt?”

Gritting my teeth against the cramps, I said bitterly, “Is this part of it, Raphael? Is this one of those tribulations?”

Silence.

The door lock flipped open and he peered inside at me. Taking in my ghostly pale face and the fetal position I was curled into, he raised an eyebrow in question. “What’s happening?”

Grimacing again, I spoke softly, “I think I’m losing my baby.” Another contraction tightened my uterus and I curled up around my stomach. “I don’t know what to do.”

There was a lot of blood but surely that’s normal? I had no idea…but I was getting worried now. What if I bled to death? That could happen.

Raphael’s blank stare suggested he was communicating with someone else. When his eyes cleared, he helped me up.

“Come with me. I can’t heal you unless the miscarriage is completed. Your body needs to rid itself of all the effects of the pregnancy or you could get a nasty infection and become sterile.”

“What are we doing then?” I asked as he led me to the garage.

“I’m taking you to the hospital. That is, if I can remember how to drive a car.”

I was numb. White curtains surrounded me like a cloth-covered prison cell and I was numb. After an excruciatingly long wait, I was showed to an exam room where the only thing separating me from the kid with a busted lip and a gangbanger with a superficial knife wound was a thin white curtain. The uninterested nurse helped me onto the gurney and yanked the curtains closed. I was still sitting here with cramps ripping through me and feeling the tiny life drain away.

So tiny…the little guy never had a chance.

Turning my face against the pillow, I cried for the baby who wouldn’t be born and the loss of my fragile connection to Sean. Bitter tears soaked the pillow as I curled around the pain. I would never have his baby now. That dream wouldn’t come true. He was gone and the baby was just a dream. There was nothing left of us.

“Hey, bitch. Why don’t you stop bawling over there? You’re giving me a fucking headache.” The gangbanger apparently had a death wish as he complained to me in my fragile state of mind.

Reaching deep inside, I drew on my powers and was about to take his head off when Raphael showed up and gently placed his hands over my own. Shaking his head at me, he said, “Oh, no you don’t. I’ll handle this.”

He pulled the curtain back and murmured something to the waste of oxygen next to me. Turning back to me, he said, “There, that ought to do it.”

The man started to cry and sobbed painfully for several minutes before quietly falling asleep where he twitched with nightmares.

Raphael’s expression was somber when he turned back to me. The crease between his eyes grew more pronounced as he frowned at me. Gathering my hand in his, he said, “I know you’re hurting. It will be over soon and you’ll be able to heal.”

The nurse chose that moment to pull back the curtain. “Sir, are you her father?”

Smoothly, he said, “No, I’m a good friend. What’s going on?”

“We’re going to take her to an exam room so the doctor can check her progress. You can wait for her here.”

Grimly, he nodded. “Thank you. I’ll be waiting.”

Raphael’s deep blue eyes followed me as they wheeled me away.

Suddenly panicking, I called out to him, “Raphael, don’t leave me!”

Trotting to catch up to the gurney, he stopped it with one hand. Completely ignoring the technicians who were tugging at the gurney, he leaned over me. “Listen to me, Mica! I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here when you come out. Now let the doctors help you.”

The exam was excruciating and I retreated deep inside my mind to hide from the pain and embarrassment. After an eternity, it was done and I could leave. I wasn’t so sure I could even walk though. Shell shocked and feeling raw and exposed, I let Raphael lead me limping to the car and take me home. Once in the house, he helped me to the bedroom and waited patiently outside the door while I took a bath and changed into clean clothes. My movements were slow and jerky and I fought back tears of grief and pain.

Inside my head, I still heard the screaming and clawing and cracking glass.

My hand rested on my tender belly and I cried some more. I was an emotional mess. The doctor said the pregnancy hormones were to blame and I’d be less emotional in a few days. Huh, what did he know? He didn’t know about the hoard of demons…I wasn’t likely to forget them any time soon. I tottered back to the bed and sat down gingerly. Raphael was patiently waiting and smiled encouragingly at me.

“I know I can’t heal your heart, little one. But let me at least heal your body so you can rest without pain.” He held my hand in his and firmly traced the shape of the rune. A feeling of calm settled over me.

“Thank you, Raphael. You’re so much more than I ever deserve. Will you keep this our secret?”

“If that is your wish, then of course I’ll keep your confidence. Will you tell him?”

“I…I don’t know yet. Maybe…what’s the point now?” I turned my face towards the window and stared out into the blackness that pressed in on me.

I couldn’t stay here, not now.

He kept his thoughts to himself and focused on healing me. With eyes closed in concentration, he rested his hands over my uterus. The warmth of his healing
saol
flowed like honey across my tender skin and into the deeper wounds and raw edges inside of me. As an added bonus, he brought his fingers to my eyes and stroked the aching muscles around them until my headache was gone.

With a ghost of a smile, he kissed my forehead and told me I would be okay. After he left, I sat on the bed with my head in my hands. I was a mess and wanted nothing more than to leave this house and run far, far away. But I was too afraid to go outside now. What if the demons were waiting outside the protective border?

I was terrified to go to sleep.

The nightmares would be worse than ever before. I was just as trapped now as I was when the demons attacked. Where was my family? I needed them and they were nowhere to be found. Sean apparently was never going to forgive me, so I didn’t expect him to show up. What would I say to him now? Hey, I know you hate me, but guess what? I was pregnant with your baby but a hoard of howling demons caused me to miscarry. Oh, and if you guys had been here, maybe they wouldn’t have attacked me.

Yeah, it’s kinda your fault.

To make things worse, Killian and Dec were MIA too. They all talked about family and protecting me…They sucked…I was so afraid and there was absolutely nobody I could talk to. It all seemed like too much to deal with. I just want out. I don’t owe anyone anything. Screw this mysterious destiny of mine. Who decided that anyway? I never wanted to be important. I just want a normal life.

Somehow in my wandering, I’d ended up in front of Killian’s room. Raphael was right. He couldn’t heal my heart. But there was another who could. Desperately trying to hold down the howl building in my chest, I opened the door and flinched as his scent hit me. Surrounded by his essence, I wanted to yell…I wanted to cry…but mostly, I wanted his steadiness to ground me again.

But he was nowhere to be found and I was floundering, lost.

He’d sworn to protect me, but that was so long ago and he’d failed.

With a howl of pain, I finally cried, “Killian! I need you.”

Leaning into the wall, I whispered, “How could you leave me unprotected? You promised.”

Suddenly the air pressure shifted and his arms were crushing me against him. “Don't cry, baby. I'm here; I've got you.”

“You can't fix this…you can’t.” Unconsciously, my hand rested over my belly and his eyes widened in growing understanding.

With surprising gentleness, he splayed his warm palm across my belly and peered into my eyes. His mouth twisted with sadness and he whispered, “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Pulling me onto his lap, he cradled me against him and rocked me to sleep.

Sometime later, I rubbed my eyes and pulled away from him. He came to me. When I needed him, when I called to him, he was there. He’d been there for me…before too. He’d been there too many times for me to count. But he wasn’t off the hook yet. Meeting his unfathomable eyes again, I accused, “How could you do it? How could you take my feelings away from me like that?”

“I wanted to protect you. Mica, please understand! You love Sean and he loves you. I don’t want to come between you two. It wouldn’t be right.”

“But that’s not the point! I
loved
you! I must have! I didn’t just decide to fall in love with you on a whim! You
earned my love
! You deserved it. It’s mine to give and mine to take away. You can’t just erase my memory and expect that to kill my feelings. Am I as shallow as that? Do you think so little of me?” My voice cracked as my anger dissolved into numbness.

Taking my hand in his, he lightly kissed the rune and it glowed in welcome. “I’ve never thought more of anyone in my life.” My hand tingled against his mouth. I licked my lips and he closed his eyes and sighed. “Do you want your memory back?”

My heart skipped a beat and I inhaled slowly. Did I want that? What would I do with those memories? Surely it would hurt more…but maybe I could put them into perspective if I knew what we’d been through. I looked into his clear blue eyes and remembered the color of the sea. He studied me through his heavy lashes and a part of me recognized the expression from another time. There was something between us and my not knowing didn’t change it.

“Yes, I think I do.”

“Are you sure? You might regret it and I don’t think I can tamper with your memory again. I’m going to need you to kill zombies with me.”

Incredulous, I said, “You want me to stay?”

Shocked at my question, he asked, “Why would you ask that? Do you think so little of me?” He reached out to touch my cheek but hesitated. “I’d never abandon you.”

With a mind of its own, my palm cupped his cheek and I warmed with pleasure at the contact. “Princess, this is dangerous…” he growled softly against my skin and I looked up.

Something primal in his eyes called to me and I was powerless to resist it. I tilted my face and he pulled me into a rough kiss that left me breathless and hungry. My hands wrapped around his neck and held his mouth against mine.

The world spun and swayed around me but I clung to him, his mouth plundering mine. My feet landed on cool wet grass. The sensation of spinning stopped when I opened my eyes to the wild Irish countryside. With gusts of wind tearing at my clothes, he laid me down on the soft summer grass and shielded me with his body.

Leaning on one elbow, he asked, “What will you do with your memories?”

Drowning in his eyes now, my heart already remembered everything it needed to know. What did I need the memories for? The truth was clear to me.

“You know I can’t hide anything from you, right?” He nodded. “Surely you must know how I feel about you? I don’t need the
memories
of things we did together. I love you without a history. I love you now.”

His breath hitched and he gazed at me for a whole minute before he said, “
None
of my magic works on you! You’re not supposed to remember! Why do I bother? Your mind’s got its own armor!”

Sitting up, he glanced around us in obvious frustration. Pulling me up to walk with him, he took off across the heather dragging me along behind him. The heather was purple here and waved prettily in the gusty wind. Judging from the clouds rolling in, we were about to get soaked.

Gasping for air, I huffed, “I know you loved me before. I’ve been inside your head, remember? You’ve never said it out loud though. Did you ever tell me you loved me?”

Without stopping or looking at me, he replied, “I told you I’d never lie to you and I would keep you safe. Do you remember that?”

“No. So how do I know you really made those promises? Not that it matters since you've kind of broken both of them anyway.”

“Funny!”  Stopping abruptly, he waved a hand at the rocks below us. “Watch your step.”

Black and glistening in the pale sunlight, they beckoned with the promise of certain death. As the waves crashed against them, the foam caught in the gusts of wind and sprayed us with fine droplets. I hadn’t noticed before, but the sky was darkening with night and the tide had come in with a vengeance. Fascinated by the force of the waves, I stood as close as I could to the edge. Leaning out, I shivered as the wind caught my hair and lifted it off of my bare neck. The movement was enough to shift my weight and I stumbled outward over the cliff.

“Mica!”

A scream died in my throat as I slammed abruptly into a wall of dirt. Stunned, I looked around to find I’d only fallen about 10 feet onto a small rocky ledge.

“Mica? Where are you?” Killian’s worried voice came down from above me.

“I’m okay! Just stuck on a ledge!” I called up to him. I didn’t think anything was broken. I moved my arms and legs experimentally and they worked. Several things were bruised though and I was going to be sore…

Killian appeared and squatted to scan my level of brokenness. Smiling a little, he said, “Well, this is a first for you. You didn’t hit your face on the way down!”