The Less Than Perfect Wedding (15 page)

The Rehearsal, Part I

*

After the disaster of the bachelor and bachelorette parties, I managed to keep things under control for the next few days. Everyone was laying low, trying to recover from the hangovers and from the emotional trauma, and no one was up to cause much trouble. But now, it was the day before the wedding, the day of my rehearsal dinner, and the day that I was dreading most of all.

For the first time, all of my family members would be in the same place, forced to co-habitate for the span of several hours. I could only imagine the carnage, both physical and emotional, that could occur in that span of time. And to make matters even worse, this would also be the first time that Alex's family, his poor, innocent family, would be exposed to all of mine. Sure, his parents had met me, and I now knew that my sister had gotten to know Danny very well thanks to their mutual drunken antics at the bachelor party. But Alex's parents had not before been privy to the icy fury that my mother would surely be wearing like a shawl, forced to draw breath in the same room as "that good-for-nothing worthless scumbag." Or, in other words, my father.

I confessed this to Alex as we laid in bed the night before, having turned off the lights extra early so that we would be able to get up properly rested and start the long day. "I'm just so certain that things are going to go wrong, somehow," I worried, the weight of his arm wrapped around his shoulders failing to comfort me tonight.

"Don't worry," Alex repeated into my ear, just as he had told me so many times before. "Listen, my parents are stronger than you think. They won't be totally put off by your family's, um, situation." There was a slight flatness to his words, however, which I only just barely picked up on. Had that always been there?

I turned, staring into his eyes with a blank expression of disbelief on my face. "Fine, they might be a bit shaken," he broke down a minute later. "But I've told them a bit of background, and they'll be able to handle it all without freaking out."

I kept up the disbelieving look. Just as I knew that he would, Alex couldn't hold out, and caved again. "They will keep their freak-out under control, and won't let it show," he hedged. "Look, they won't ruin the ceremony. Is that good enough for you?"

I let out the breath that I didn't know I had been holding. "I don't think they'll ruin the ceremony," I sighed. "There's a very good chance that the ceremony will be ruined, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will be my family at fault, somehow. And I've pretty much accepted that. I'm just scared of what your family will think of me when all the dust has settled."

Alex tightened his arm, pulling me in closer against him, and planted a kiss on my forehead while I pretended to struggle. Normally, the loud smacking noises that he made in my ear to annoy me would put me at ease, make me laugh. Tonight, however, they didn't seem to have their usual calming effect. "My family loves you. And more importantly, I love you. And that's all that really matters."

With that, my fiance turned over and pulled his pillow up tighter to his head. Scarcely five minutes later, his breathing had settled into a deep, slow rhythm, and I could hear the faint sounds of him snoring ever so slightly as he exhaled. I sighed, closing my eyes and trying to will myself to do the same. But I knew that sleep would not be soon in coming.

Instead, lying awake in bed and staring up into the darkness, I tried to run through all of the plans, everything that would come together less than twenty-four hours from now. The caterer would be there, making sure that all of his counts for meals were correct. All the placards would be out on the tables, hopefully keeping my various family members separate enough to prevent any old feuds from flaring up - or at least keeping them far enough apart to prevent them from using the cutlery as improvised weapons. Both of my parents had requested toasts, and even though it went against every fiber of my being, I had grudgingly given them permission. Despite their animosity, this was their eldest daughter's wedding, after all, and I had settled with extracting a promise from each of them that they would keep their toasts positive and about me, and that they wouldn't mention each other. I only hoped that this would be good enough.

Fortunately, my day started out pleasantly enough - the next morning, I struggled out of bed, leaving my still-snoring fiance behind, and started a fresh pot of coffee brewing. Our fridge was freshly stocked, so I set about making breakfast. By the time that Alex was up, pulled out of bed by the delicious smells wafting from the kitchen, I had a plate of eggs already half eaten and was feeling better about the day. A few more drinks of the just-brewed coffee, and I felt ready to leap up from my chair, head out, and beat this rehearsal into submission.

Sadly, the peacefulness of breakfast couldn't last, and the real day began. Alex and I were soon pulling up to Sacred Father Church, and I was relieved to see that there were several cars already parked in the lot. Sally had requested that we all arrive by 10 in the morning, and I was glad that these commands were being obeyed.

We parked and headed into the church, and were immediately greeted by Sally, who had found a headset somewhere. She looked quite ridiculous with it on, poking up through her blonde hair like some sort of black plastic antennae, but the woman wearing it was the picture of efficiency.

"Good, glad you made it," she greeted us, immediately getting behind us and propelling us both up towards the front altar. "If you could go and greet your groomsmen and bridesmaids, we can be ready when the last few people arrive."

I was impressed; I hadn't believed that Sally could be so authoritative. We obligingly made our way up the aisle, climbing the couple of stairs up to the altar.

Father Hemsley was already milling about at the front of the church, holding a well-used Bible with many papers sticking out in all directions. He gave us a nod as we approached. "Plenty of marital forgiveness," he assured us, tapping the Bible meaningfully with one finger.

"Great, great," I told him, not really listening. My eyes roamed over my bridesmaids, or at least the ones that were in attendance. Claire stood at attention, and my mother and Judy both sat on a bench off to one side. My mother wore her usual expression, looking as though she had just swallowed a slice of lemon, but Judy was as cheerful as ever, ignoring the grimace on her companion's face as she nattered on. Just as I had suspected, there was a conspicuous hole in the party, the exact size and shape of my sister. I tried to make a bet with myself over whether she would arrive late, or not at all, and ended up calling it a coin flip.

On the male side, Danny for once wasn't undressing me with his eyes - this honor was currently instead reserved for Claire. He made several attempts to strike up a conversation, but Claire simply ignored his words, pretending as though she couldn't hear a thing, like he was just an irritating buzz in her ear. Only now was it finally starting to sink into Danny's brain that his attempts were having no effect.

Bryan had turned up as well, although he was currently slouched on a chair off to one side, ignoring and being ignored by most of the rest of the wedding party. He was gazing off into the distance, looking lost in thought. I knew better than to assume any thought was actually present, however. His look was almost mirrored by Blossom, also present and attached to my father's arm as they stood by uncomfortably and waited for things to begin.

On the groom's side, I could see Alex and Danny's parents, standing rather uncomfortably off to one side. I hadn't spoken with them much about this wedding, and that seemed to be perfectly acceptable to them. Alex came from two individuals who were both shy and retiring, and even when they visited us, they spent most of their time off on their own. I was totally okay with this. Sometimes, I wished that my own family was more willing to surrender the spotlight.

A couple of other men that I only vaguely recognized as Alex's friends were standing off to one side, performing the time-honored male tradition of fiddling with their smartphones. I considered heading over to greet them, but decided against it. I had enough troubles with my bridesmaids; Alex would have to be in charge of keeping his groomsmen in line. I suspected that he had lucked out with the far easier task.

Spotting that the target of his little brother's affections wasn't having any of it, Alex moved forward and led Danny away from Claire. He looped one hand over his brother's shoulders as he directed the excitable young man off to the far side of the dais. I moved towards my bridesmaids, just in time to catch the tail end of Judy's rather one-sided conversation with my mother.

"No, it's great!" she was saying, excitement and enthusiasm gushing out of her. "All you have to do is smile, and the men are lining up to buy you drinks! Sure, sometimes they're a little older, or they don't have much hair, but they'll pay for everything as long as you make sure to lean forward and don't forget your push-up bra!"

My mother hopped up as soon as I arrived, rushing forward to hug me in a totally uncharacteristic display of love and emotion. That conversation must have been especially horrible for her to want to escape it this badly. "Danielle, dear, so good to see you," she greeted me. "Let's get this thing started so that we can all finish up and leave."

"Mom, where's Suzy?" I asked once we separated. "Isn't she staying in the same hotel as you?"

"Don't worry, we called her this morning to make sure she was awake," my mother replied in a tone that was probably intended to be comforting. "She said that she remembered, and she would be here soon."

Once again, I languished in my sister's refusal to properly quantify her arrival time. "Well, we can get started without her, and just fit her in when she arrives," I decided. All that mattered was Alex, I reminded myself. The promptness of every bridesmaid was nothing in comparison to that.

Sally had come up the aisle, and was now standing in the small open space in front of the altar. "Okay, layouts!" she announced, clapping her hands together. "Bride, you're coming to the back of the church with me. Groom, groomsmen, bridesmaids, take your places! Let's get this on the first run through!"

Obliging the requests of this suddenly demanding short little woman, I made my way down from the plinth, while Claire shooed the other two women into standing positions on the left-hand side of the stage. Alex, on the other side, snapped his fingers a couple of times at his friends leaning against the wall until they looked up from their phones and also meandered over to stand in a line on the right.

Sally, meanwhile, had latched onto my arm as soon as I was in range, and was tugging me back up the aisle. "Alex, no!" I cried out in a piteous wail, dramatically extending my arm back towards the front of the church. Sally didn't let up in the tugging, but Alex glanced back, smiled, and stretched out an arm towards me as well. My performance got a giggle out of Blossom. I ignored the eye roll coming from my mother's end of the line of bridesmaids.

Sally led me back out of the main hall of the church, up a set of stairs and down a small hallway to a side room with several mirrors on the walls. "This is your changing room," she explained. "When you get here tomorrow morning, you'll head straight for this room, where you can get changed into your dress. I'll make sure that it's waiting here."

I nodded; this seemed straightforward enough. "What next?"

"Next, you simply wait," Sally replied. "You've basically got one of the easiest jobs in the wedding. The music will quiet down, you'll come out of your dressing room, your father should be waiting at the bottom of the stairs to walk you out when 'Here Comes the Bride' starts up, and he'll drop you off at the front. From there, just remember to say "yes" at the right places!"

I peered around the room. This all seemed very easy and logical, I wanted to point out. To me, that almost guaranteed that something was going to go wrong.

*

Still upstairs, I realized that I wouldn't be able to see the rest of the rehearsal. "I don't have to stay up here, right - I can come down and watch the rest of the rehearsal?" I asked, in what I felt was a very reasonable tone.

Despite this, Sally sighed, as if I was requesting that she singlehandedly lift up the church and rotate it ninety degrees so that more light would come in the windows. "Fine," she eventually acquiesced, giving in as I stared at her. Perhaps she was trying to segregate us off, to keep us apart from each other to avoid fights.

I followed my wedding planner back out of my changing room, down the stairs and back into the main room of the church. As we entered, however, I could already hear the yelling and other undeniable sounds of a commotion. And as soon we entered, I could immediately guess the source.

While we had been upstairs, Susan had finally arrived, late and hung over as always. However, as soon as she had reached the front of the church, she had laid eyes on the groom and his groomsmen - and flown off the handle.

"You pig! You jerk! Why are you still here?" my sister was yelling, making a valiant attempt to physically attack the groom's party. Judy and Claire were managing to restrain her, each of them holding onto a shoulder. Susan wasn't strong enough to break free, but her arms were still swinging wildly, as if she was hoping that one of the groomsmen would decide to walk within range.

"Susan!" I shouted, making her twist about as I stormed up the aisle. "What in the world are you doing?"