The Less Than Perfect Wedding (14 page)

*

Out in the bar, I quickly spotted my sister - she was at the bar, draped across the lap of one guy as she leaned back across a stool. Another man was currently slamming down the shot in his hand; a moment later, he leaned in, locking lips with Susan as he pulled the lemon wedge from her mouth.

Beside me, Claire's lip curled in revulsion. "God, she just throws herself at anything that moves," she commented, her expression so angry that she looked as if she was about to breathe flames.

"I don't think that she's drunk enough for this," I replied.

"Drunk enough? I don't think that anyone is drunk enough to be this much of a slut."

"I don't think she's drunk enough for this... yet," I repeated, this time with added emphasis.

Finally, Claire caught on, and we headed over to join my devious little sister at the bar. As we approached, Claire put up her hand, waving to catch the bartender's attention. "Shots!" she called out, landing heavily on the bar next to my sister, and incidentally knocking the man standing next to her back and away as Claire took his place. "Shots for this young lady!"

My sister turned to stare down Claire as I made my way closer to the bar on her other side, nodding noncommittally to the man on whose lap Susan was perched. "Why are you buying me drinks?" she slurred, her alcohol-soaked brain still somehow able to muster up suspicion. "You hate me. You never take my side."

"That's because you're always-" Claire cut off what she was saying, gritting her teeth into a forced smile. Fortunately, my sister didn't seem to notice this accidental slip-up. "We realized that you're the hero of the hour," Claire said instead, pasting an obviously fake smile across her features. "You showed that Danielle's fiance was being unfaithful, through your rigorous testing method, and we should be thanking you for it!"

Just as we had known, Susan completely overlooked the sarcasm, preferring instead to believe that we were truly praising her, as I'm sure she felt that she deserved. "Well, I'm just looking out for my sister, you know," she managed to get out, her voice sounding as though her mouth was filled with cotton balls. "Gotta take the burden of looking out for everyone else."

I felt my hands tighten into fists as I listened to my sister spew these blatant lies, but I forced my anger down, keeping it in the roiling pit of my stomach. The bartender had arrived with the shots Claire had ordered, and Susan needed no more urging. Before the bartender had even turned away, the glasses in front of her were empty, Susan gulping down the last one with a smile. Claire, also smiling but for an entirely different reason, waved her hand at the bartender for refills.

Even I was surprised by how easy it was to get Susan filled up with bottom-shelf liquor. She gulped down four more drinks with no physical reaction, and I decided that we had better stop before we killed her from alcohol poisoning. "Suzy, can we have a word with you quick?" I broke in, grabbing her arm and gently but firmly tugging her away from the man she was using as an ersatz chair.

For a moment, my sister looked sad to be abandoning her grabby, handsy seat, but the expression was quickly replaced by one of drunken complacence. She slid down from the high chair and, wobbling slightly, followed Claire and me to the back corner of the bar.

As we moved into a relatively people-free zone, I tried to think of a good tactic for revenge. Admittedly, I hadn't planned past getting my sister completely smashed, and that part of the plan had gone much more easily than I had anticipated. Claire, on the other hand, was pulling out her phone from her pocket, and the grin now spreading across her face looked decidedly more sinister. She definitely had an idea.

"Listen, Susan, it's good that we had you to hit on Alex - you're obviously the most attractive person in the wedding party, wouldn't you say?" Claire began, keeping a soothing smile on her face as she gazed at Susan. When my sister looked away for a second, however, she shot me a blatant wink.

"Well, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings," my sister began. For a moment, I felt a little bad. Was she, even when blackout drunk, going to actually say the right thing? "But yeah, I'm definitely prettier than anyone else. For sure." My sympathy vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

"Right," Claire agreed. "And that's why you were able to show that Alex was unfaithful. But I think that you need to prove it - especially now, since all of the other members of the bride's party are here."

Susan tilted her head towards Claire, her face looking as though Claire had just tried to teach her calculus. "How do I do that?"

Claire ran her eyes down over my sister's slutty, low-cut outfit. Her scoop-neck shirt was showing off just about everything that Susan had to display, and if her jeans were any tighter, they would be cutting off all circulation to her legs. "See, you need to show that it isn't just the clothes," she pointed out. "And the best way to do that would probably be to go in the bathroom, take everything off, and then come running out to our table naked to show us all that you're the hottest!"

"That's..." my sister began, but then stopped. I tried to muffle my gasp. Egotistical as she was, there was no way that my sister would go for something so embarrassing, so crazy!

"...that's the best idea ever!" my sister finished!

Claire didn't give her any more time to reconsider, but immediately shoved her off towards the women's restroom. "Perfect! I'll make sure that everyone stays at the table!" she shouted out over Susan's shoulder as my sister stumbled off.

I stared at my best friend as she tugged me back towards our table, where Judy was still attempting to maintain an uneasy peace between my mother and Blossom, mainly by trying to distract my mother from attacking Blossom as she rambled on about other things that Rick liked to do. I tugged at Judy's arm as Claire and I slid back into the booth. "What happened?" I asked. "They were getting along so well when I got up?"

"Yes - up until Blossom switched over to pointing out all of Rick's little quirks when they were having sex," Judy clarified. "Apparently that's still a much more sore subject with Janice."

I rubbed my forehead. I was definitely drunk, this was supposed to be a party in my honor, and yet I would have remained much happier and relaxed if I had simply remained at home and waited for Alex to get back from his night out. I glanced down at the clock on my phone and saw that it was barely past midnight. Still, I felt drained to the bone. Even from all the way across town, I could feel my bed calling to me, luring me back to its wonderful comforting softness. I turned to Claire, wanting to inform her of my desire at this moment, but the words fell out of my mouth as my jaw dropped open.

*

A loud, undulating yell was carrying across the bar. Riding just behind the wave of noise was a white streak, shooting towards our table. As this streak passed by tables, her flailing arms knocked drinks left and right off onto the ground, and she left a wake of broken glass and stunned, gaping bar patrons behind her.

Susan skidded to a stop in front of our table, and we all stared at her, shocked into silence. She wore a pair of furry, light brown boots, a wide grin, and a drunken expression that looked about thirty seconds away from puking. Aside from that, there wasn't a stitch on her body. "See? I'm totally the prettiest!" she slurred down at us, falling towards our table and putting out both arms to catch herself heavily before she faceplanted among the drinks.

My eyes flicked across to my mother. Her jaw was working up and down as redness filled her face, but for the moment, she couldn't even manage to find the words to properly humiliate her daughter. Beside me, I heard the quiet clicking sound of Claire's camera phone.

"See, this is why I totally had to prove that Alex was a cheater," Susan went on, wheeling around abruptly to stare at Claire, Judy, and me in our seat. Behind her, I could see a couple more enterprising men had moved around and had their phones out as well, snapping semi-candid photos of my sister's bare ass. "Because unless he really loved you, he wouldn't be able to resist this, and then he would totally be a cheater."

To emphasize her level of attractiveness, she ran her hands up and down her sides. Unfortunately, this took both of her hands, and left zero hands for her to use as support. With a rattle of glassware, she fell forward, landing face first on our table amid our drinks with a smack. Blossom's daiquiri toppled over from the impact, spilling chunks of pineapple across my sister's back and splashing her with fruity pink.

One of the bartenders had come running out from behind the bar as soon as he had seen the streaking girl in his bar, and he stopped in front of our table, glaring down at us. "Is she with you?" he demanded.

None of us knew what to say - except Blossom. "She's the sister of the bride!" she chirped happily. "That looks like so much fun! I want to do that!"

The bartender glared down at us, struggling to decide what directions to give us. "Look, just get her out of here, all right?" he finally got out, reaching up and rubbing one hand across his face. "Otherwise, I'll call the police and get her arrested for public indecency and tossed into jail for the night."

"You love it," my sister said into the table, her words rather indistinct, and she waggled her ass at the bartender.

Even through his hand, I saw the man's eyes briefly dart down to my sister's exposed rump before he pulled them back up through sheer will. "You've got five minutes," he said to us, turning away and heading back to behind the safety of the bar. He made a couple shooing motions towards the other male patrons, who merely retreated a step or two before once again focusing their gazes on my sister.

Claire nudged me. "We could leave her here to get arrested," she suggested. "That would be a pretty fitting end to the night."

The idea had appealed to me for a moment as well, but then my scumbag brain had to go and think about what would happen later - we'd have to bail her out of jail, explain to the cops what had happened, and it would add even more stress to my plate. "No, let's just get her out of here," I reluctantly said instead. Judy had scooted out of the booth, and I followed suit, grabbing one of my sister's arms in an attempt to drag her upright. Susan's body was limp, and my tugging merely flopped her down onto the bench.

Snapping a last couple of pictures, Claire crawled over my sister and headed to the bathroom to retrieve her clothes, while Judy and Blossom managed to prop her up on their shoulders and half-walk, half-drag her towards the bathroom. I watched, considered following them to help, but decided that I had already been through enough tonight, choosing to slump down into the booth instead. I ignored the stickiness from Blossom's spilled drink.

Across from me, my mother finally found her voice. "Danielle," she said, reaching across for my hands. I looked at her, confused, as she struggled for the words to say.

"Listen," my mother said. "I just wanted to, well, say that I'm sorry things aren't working out as well as they could. And if I've done anything to ruin your wedding, I'm sorry. I just have a lot to think about." She squeezed my hand in her own.

Even though I had lost count of how many drinks my mother had tossed back by this point, I was still touched by her words. "Thanks, Mom," I replied, squeezing back. "And don't worry, you haven't ruined anything yet. The wedding's still on - Alex didn't cheat on me with my sister, that was a different guy in his wedding party. It's all going to work out all right."

My mother nodded, looking as though she wanted to add more, but Judy, Blossom, and Claire had returned. My sister was still draped over their shoulders, but she was now roughly dressed. Her pants were on backwards, and her shirt was wrinkled and uneven, and the straps of her bra were poking out, but she was at least decently covered. "Time to go," Judy announced, trying to adjust her hold on Susan without the semi-comatose woman falling to the floor.

As we left the bar, my mother hurrying to the front to hail a cab, Claire hung back and held up her phone. She had managed to capture some especially embarrassing shots of Susan, I saw. Despite the nudity, Susan was making ridiculous faces in most of the pictures, and looked sad and wasted instead of sexy. "So, now we've got some blackmail material," Claire told me in an undertone. "Should we wait to pull them out until she messes up again, or should we just launch a preemptive strike and send them to every guy in the wedding right now?"

I briefly smiled at the thought of every guy in the wedding trying to hit on my sister after seeing her naked pictures pop up on their cell phones, but, just like letting her get arrested, I knew that it was a fantasy that would never work out as cleanly in real life. "Just hold on to them for now," I decided, the regret clear on my face. "We may need them, but she's already made a pretty big fool of herself. We don't need to help with that."

"Always the good older sister," Claire commented in a slightly mocking tone, but she tucked her phone away. The two of us headed out to get everyone home and wrap up this disaster of a bachelorette party.