Read The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set Online
Authors: C.M. King
“Mike, just drive the car, she’ll answer your questions later,” Elijah barked.
“I swear to god, Elijah, if he’s touched her.” He banged his hand hard against the steering wheel, and I flinched at the sudden noise.
Elijah pulled me close, whispering soothing words into my ear to distract my attention away from an irate Mike.
“Mike, just drive the car,” he bit out in a low stern voice, trying not to startle me. “We need to get her in a red hot shower, at this rate she could catch pneumonia. She has plenty of time to answer your questions, just not now, okay?”
Mike let out a snort of anger. He never did like being told what to do.
Elijah’s lips kissed my hair. “That’s it, sweetie, we’re nearly home, then we can get you into a hot shower and get your pyjamas on, then you’ll be as good as gold.”
I didn’t know who he was trying to convince more, but I was pretty sure neither of us were buying it.
My head slumped onto his shoulder, I couldn’t fight it a moment longer, the exhaustion was setting in. I closed my eyes, allowing the darkness to consume me.
* * *
Christmas day finally arrived, it was pretty much a blur that I somehow managed to get through. I had been surviving each day living moment by moment, taking one breath at a time. It was all I could handle right now. Joel invaded my thoughts, every second of every hour of every day.
The thought of him being alone today was too much to bear, and that was how I found myself climbing the stairs that led me back to him.
The present rustled underneath my arm, and my breathing began to quicken at the thought of seeing him again. I hoped time had given him a new perspective on our relationship. That he’d see the only way things made sense was when we were together.
Approaching the door my eyes zoned in on the envelope taped to it. I knew without reading it what it meant.
He had gone.
He had left me behind.
The tears came thick and fast at the thought of never seeing him again. It was something my heart wouldn’t even consider.
I shakily pulled the note off the door, letting myself in. The ice-cold temperature hit me the moment I walked through the door into the darkness. I fumbled with the light switch, gasping when my eyes took in the empty shell before me. The warm, homely flat we’d spent months living in as a family had been reduced to almost nothing within days. The only thing residing was the basic furniture. He had packed away all the decorations, the tree and taken down every single picture frame.
The tears began to flow, the place didn’t feel the same without him, though I felt his presence everywhere I looked.
The letter I was still clinging onto felt heavier by the moment. I knew the contents would probably shatter any remaining pieces of my heart. Still I had to know, the not knowing part would have killed me even more.
My hands shakily ripped open the envelope, and I dropped down onto the sofa. I knew whatever was inside would rip my legs from underneath me. My eyes glazed over just seeing his beautiful words on the page.
I took in a few deep breaths, giving myself time to regain some composure before I began to read the letter I knew would inevitably break my heart.
Dear Izzy,
By the time you read this letter, I will have gone. I could never summon up enough courage to tell you this in person. Just seeing that beautiful face reduced to tears because of my own selfishness would have made it so much harder to leave. You know everything I said was a lie. I was just caught up in my own personal hell, and I took it out on you. The one thing I swore to myself I would never do. I’m so sorry for the pain I caused. Please forgive me. You know I would never hurt you, the look on your face that day will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I know you always doubted my true feelings about you, but Iz, I will love you till the day I die. I know I don’t deserve your love, I don’t think I ever did. I’ve been a selfish man all my life, but I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t put you through anymore heartache. I destroy everyone I love, first my mum and then Katie. It would only be a matter of time before I did the same to you.
I hope now that I’m gone you’ll move on and find a man that truly deserves you. Forget about me, Iz and find a man that is worthy of your love. I will never regret a single moment we spent together. I will keep each memory locked away in my heart, and the ring I wear will be a constant reminder of the love we shared. You’re the only woman who ever had my heart, and it will only ever beat for you.
I know it hurts now, but in time you’ll be fine. Please don’t try to find me. I’ve told no one where I’m going, and my phone has been disconnected. I’ve packed everything away as the flat will be let again soon. I ask one thing, please don’t hate me, it would tear me apart if you did. I’m glad I got to find some happiness with you, if only for a brief amount of time. You’ve showed me what true love is, and I thank you for that.
I have to go now, Iz. It hurts to leave you, but I love you enough to let you go. Enjoy life, be brave, and never regret a single moment. Life is short, live it to the fullest. I wish you happiness and when you find that special someone cling to them. You deserve a life filled with love, to find someone that strives to be a better man just to be in your presence. I hope you fulfil every hope, wish, and dream and have the fairy tale ending you so richly deserve.
I’ll never forget you, Iz and will treasure every beautiful memory we shared together.
Joel
The tears came thick and fast, his words completely broke me. He meant everything to me, and my life was over without him.
It would have been easier to tell me he’d fallen out of love with me. Maybe one day I could have finally accepted it and moved on. To tell me he would always love me was cruel. If he loved me, then why couldn’t he be with me? Why had everything we built been shattered in those five days?
I knew it all stemmed back to his dad and his insecurities. He never thought he could confide in me, share with me his dark inner turmoil. It would always be my failing, and now I paid the price by losing him.
Eventually I found the strength to move. My body was frozen, and it hurt to breathe like the air had grown toxic. I couldn’t bear to be here a moment longer. It was no longer the home I deeply loved, it was now a constant reminder of everything I’d lost.
I stood up, retrieving the cardboard box from the table. I searched for my favourite photo, the one I’d given him on his birthday. It always resided by our bed, but it wasn’t there.
I knew in my heart he had taken it. He had always made a point of telling me how special it was. Only now it was sat beside the new bed he slept in.
I took some solace that he drew a little happiness from having a part of me near. He was wrong about me moving on though, I didn’t give up on the people I loved.
I made a promise to my heart that I would find him. He was my soul mate, my friend, my everything and love like we had experienced rarely happened twice. He had my heart from day one, and I couldn’t give it to anyone else if I tried.
I wiped the last of the tears away as I stood, lifting up the box to leave. Joel’s face smiled back at me, and my fingers traced along the photo as a smile touched my lips.
He was my forever, and I was his. I just had to find him to make him believe it.
Pain. It coursed right through me, suffocating me. I could feel the darkness weaving its spell around my heart, filling up every fibre of my body until I could barely breathe. There wasn’t one part of me that didn’t want to go back in time, to undo those words. But there was a finality to them that could never be undone. It was for the best, I was doing it for her. It was my last selfless act in setting her free. I would always love her with all my heart, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough.
A tear slipped down my cheek, and I quickly swiped it away, pressing my nose against the glass. My eyes soon became fixated on her fragile body curled up tight on the bench below. Every part of me ached to go to her, to beg forgiveness for my cruel and heartless words. But she’d seen right through me. She knew in that instant that every word spoken was just one damn lie. She was always so perceptive in reading my moods. My fingers clawed against the glass, itching to touch her, to calm her, to tell I loved her with every beat of my heart. Yet my feet stood frozen, my body completely still as barely a breath left me while my mind taunted me with sweet memories of the past.
I wouldn’t allow her into my darkness to taint such beauty. I would sacrifice my own happiness to save hers. She would never have to endure the pain I kept buried deep within me, to be with someone who lived a torturous existence inside their own head. She deserved better than me, and in releasing her despite my own heartbreak, I was offering her the future that I would never be able to give her.
I knew she wouldn’t leave willingly, that she’d beg me with every breath in her body to fight to save the type of love you only experience once in a lifetime. But I had to be strong. This was what I had to do, the decision had already been made, and there was no going back.
Grasping the phone I dialled the number while my eyes remained fixed upon her. I knew within minutes she’d be gone, that my eyes would never rest upon her beautiful face ever again. But I had to put her first even if it meant destroying my own heart.
His soft familiar voice filled my ears, and I gave myself a few moments before I felt certain I was composed enough to speak.
“Hello, Elijah, it’s Joel . . .”
They say time is the greatest healer but with every day that passed, I missed him even more. It had been three months since he left, three months since he broke my heart. He took everything from me the moment he walked away. The only reminders were photos I could no longer bear to look at, now just an aching reminder of what I’d lost.
Each night I had my own ritual, the T-shirt that he left barely carried his scent, but I slept with it beside me, burying my nose deep. It still felt like he was here, tricking myself into believing that at least for a few short hours I was not alone.
The ring that he gave me no longer resided on my finger, but now on a chain around my neck, resting close to my heart. So I was spared the constant reminder of the vow he broke. But I was unable to completely remove it from my body, like my heart still clung onto that small piece of hope. It was foolish really, but I didn’t have the strength to fully let go.
In the early days I was filled with a hope that he would return, that he’d show up at my door with that breathtaking smile. But after ninety-four days, that hope had slowly diminished. With each day that passed another part of me died, my chest remained hollow, my heart forever missing. He took that with him the moment he left.
After a long and tireless search, I had tracked down his uncle only to find it was to no avail. Joel had made no contact with him and if that weren’t the case, the man certainly would make the best poker player. The sympathy that was there in his eyes throughout was enough to start the tears. He had tried comforting me in an awkward like hug. I could see that only goodness radiated through him and was able to understand why Joel held such a strong bond with him.
The only information I was able to prize out of him was concerning the row. It had escalated beyond control and had ended in a fistfight between Joel and his dad. Robert had tried contacting Joel several times after, but it wasn’t until after my visit he realised just how much of an impact it had on him, for him to throw away the one real love of his life.
As time rolled on, I wondered just how dedicated to his promise he would be. After all he had needs. I wasn’t naïve enough to know that after a while he would eventually turn back to the person I had despised. The thought alone was enough to bring on the tears, the insecurity taking its usual hold. I couldn’t bear to think of him seeking comfort in others. I chose to bury it, to lock it away. If I concentrated on it too much, it would slowly destroy me. I no longer had any hold over Joel; his decisions now were not my concern. I had to let go, after all he had. I never imagined a life without him, well, one that was worth living. But now I was faced with the awful truth—to exist in a life that no longer included Joel.
“Izzy.”
My ears registered the noise but it was like being submerged under water, his mouth was moving, but I just didn’t hear the words. My mind was always busy wandering somewhere else. I spent most of my days like this, zoned out. It was the only way to keep sane. It was like I’d unhooked the plug on real life and checked out of my head, but being around Elijah that never lasted long. Alone I would spend hours subconsciously drifting in and out. I knew it wasn’t good for me, but right now it was the only coping mechanism that worked.
“Izzy, are you even listening to me?”
“Yes, Elijah.” I huffed as I sat back on the bed, bringing my knees up to my chin. His words instantly made me go into defensive mode, waiting for his usual interrogation to start.
“What did I say then?”
Oh shit.
“What do you mean?” I asked in an attempt to buy some time as my brain struggled to recap the last five minutes, wondering what he’d actually said.
“What was I just talking about?” He crossed his arms, and his eyes bored deep into mine.
This was not good.
The chances of it being about himself were always pretty high. It was his favourite subject after all and always a safe bet to go with.
“You were talking about your birthday?” I replied, feeling hopeful my answer was correct. I’d be in for a world of pain if it was wrong.
Elijah narrowed his eyes at me as his tongue flicked across his lip. “Lucky guess. Now listen up, we need to make arrangements for the big day.”
Oh god.
I needed this lecture like a hole in the head. I stopped my eyes mid roll knowing his were firmly locked on mine. Instead I just sat frozen, busy rolling my eyes internally where he couldn’t see.
“This needs to be taken seriously, Izzy. It’s my big day, and I want everything to be perfect.”
Jeez, always such a drama queen.
“Fine,” I snapped. Not feeling up for another one of his lectures, I’d do anything just for some peace and quiet.
Elijah smiled and pulled out a pad. “So we’re having the meal at Dukes, the new restaurant in town. There are ten of us going, unless you have anyone you’d like to invite?”
My eyes widened at his plus one suggestion, my mind automatically returning to Joel. Once again being reminded I was left all alone.
A warm hand brushed up against my shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”
“You haven’t, I just need to get used to the fact I’m on my own.” I couldn’t look up at that precise moment. I could barely breathe. My heart felt like it was being squeezed at the reality of my words that were so cruel and painful.
“Hey, you’ll always have me and Sam. We’ll always be there for you.”
I smiled softly at his sweet words. “I know and thank you.” He was trying his best to be there as a friend, but there was no avoiding the gaping hole left in my heart.
“What time do we have to be ready?” I asked, quickly changing the subject. I couldn’t handle his look of pity a moment longer.
“Saturday at seven p.m. We’re taking a taxi there, so we’ll pick you up on the way. Make sure you wear a dress,” he said sternly.
My eyes instantly flashed to his in annoyance. “I’ll be far more comfortable—”
Elijah quickly cut me off. “We’re going out afterwards to a club, so you’re wearing a dress and if not, then I’ll march you back up the stairs to make you change, you got me?”
“Jeez, okay, loud and clear.” He wasn’t taking any prisoners.
“Good girl and make sure you curl your hair too. We’re going all out, and I want you looking hot. I guess while I’m here I might as well pull out the outfit, so I know you’ll be perfect.” He threw open the wardrobe doors, sifting through the rows of clothes, finally coming to rest on a short white dress that was trimmed with black. “Perfect,” he said, almost to himself.
“I guess I don’t get a say then?” I huffed while he blatantly ignored my comment.
“Now we need shoes.” He twisted his face, scrutinising my shoe rail. “Ah ha, these will give you a colour pop.” He lifted up the red stilettos and grabbed the black clutch holding them together. “Yeah, I think that will work nicely.”
I pulled a face, not looking forward to traipsing around in shoes, which would literally shred my feet the majority of the night. I’d gotten used to my comfy clothes but turning up at the restaurant in sweats and Converse, I was guessing was not an option.
The moment he turned around, I put on a big old fake smile to masquerade my annoyance. I didn’t want him having another go at me; I just wanted to be left in peace.
Twenty minutes later, I was left alone with my thoughts, sinking deeper into the darkness, welcoming every single part that circulated through my veins. I didn’t need to put on an act with myself, there was no need to hide my own misery. It was the only time I truly acted real.
* * *
Saturday rolled by and as much as I wanted to languish in my own pain, it was Elijah’s birthday. He would hunt me down and personally dress me himself if I even attempted to get out of going. I needed to ease myself into this, so I began drawing a bubble bath, hoping the mixture of soothing aromas would de-stress and lighten my present mood.
Lying back I tried to blank out what was ahead of me tonight. Elijah, of course, would be in top form entertaining everyone. I would have to fix on a smile and put up with it all for a few hours until I returned home, and then the mask would slip once again. I would take tonight as a way of reacquainting myself with my old friend vodka. Losing my mind for a few hours seemed like the perfect form of escapism right now. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all?
The taxi arrived at six thirty sharp, and Elijah leapt out before it had even come to a halt. “Well, hello, sexy girl, see I knew behind all those layers there was a hot body. You are so rocking that dress and goddamn those heels, if I was a straight guy you’d certainly be getting lucky tonight.”
His lips pressed against my forehead and I pulled back, embarrassed by all the attention. Only to find the taxi driver and Sam looking over at us both, grinning. He cupped my chin with both hands, his eyes staring deep into mine. His face suddenly grew serious and brought a frown to my own. “Thank you for coming out tonight. I know you’d rather be curled up in your sweats, lost in your Kindle world, but I need my best friend here on my birthday.”
I nodded as a tear broke free from my eye, which he quickly swiped away with his thumb.
“Hey, we don’t want to ruin this beautiful made up face, we’re going to have so much fun tonight. I’m going to get you away from what goes on inside this pretty little head of yours. Tonight is all about forgetting and partying till we can’t stand anymore.”
I smiled at his enthusiasm. “Perfect, that’s just what I need.”
“So madam, are we ready to go?” he asked in an overly posh accent, holding out his arm. I slipped my own into the crook of his, setting off for what would be one hell of a night.
When we arrived at Dukes we were taken to a large table, I was guessing from the fancy tableware it was definitely ours. I could almost guarantee Elijah would have popped in earlier, just to scrutinise and make sure everything was perfect for tonight. There were place cards stood around the table, I was slightly miffed that I wasn’t sitting next to Elijah. Though it was no coincidence, he was more than likely trying to push me into being more sociable.
He came back smiling with a round of drinks from the bar. I quickly took several gulps of the vodka for some Dutch courage before I sat down, feeling awkward when everyone else began to arrive. The majority of people I didn’t recognise, they had formed friendships with Elijah through Sam, and much to my dismay, they were all couples. I instantly regretted coming, suddenly feeling like the spare wheel amongst everyone else. By now I was on my third vodka, I hadn’t had much to eat, so on an empty stomach it was going straight to my head. But I wasn’t going to survive this night sober. The last empty chair was beside me as everyone talked amongst themselves. I sat feeling like the odd ball until finally the last person arrived. My eyes instantly shot Elijah a look of anger when the chair was pulled out beside me.
“Hey, Iz.” Ryan smiled, taking his place. Elijah squirmed slightly under my death stare. He had made no mention that Ryan was attending tonight. He knew I wouldn’t be amused by his meddling.
“Hey,” I replied, quickly taking another sip of my drink. By the looks of it, I would need plenty more before the night was through.
“So I haven’t seen you around much, how are you?”
“I’m fine, thanks.” It was all I could manage. I wasn’t mentally ready to be in another guy’s company. I was certain once the meal was over I was definitely heading home.
We all ordered our starters as the general buzz of voices once again filled the air.
“You look really gorgeous tonight, Iz. The colour suits you, you almost look angelic.” His eyes lingered on me longer than was acceptable, and I felt a shiver of unease run down my spine.
I scoffed as his remark, taking another swig of vodka.
Angelic?
I felt far from it.
Elijah was now in full swing, telling stories as everyone looked on in great amusement. Sam just sat back, letting him take the full limelight. I barely touched each course. My only appetite was for what stood in front of me in the glass.
Ryan was sat sipping on his beer, chatting to the person sat beside him. But his worrying glances hadn’t gone unnoticed, watching me slowly finish glass after glass. I declined dessert and Elijah shot me a look, but I chose to ignore it. I was in no state to talk to him at the moment. It was his birthday and for that reason alone I would remain quiet, but after tonight we were definitely having words.
I got up to go to the toilet, but my legs slightly buckled underneath me.
“Whoa, Iz, are you okay?” Ryan asked, bringing attention to me so everyone turned in reaction to his voice.
Fantastic.
“I’m fine,” I shot back, walking off.
But I wasn’t.
I could feel myself slightly stumble with each step, but I needed no help from anyone. After rinsing my hands I took a look in the mirror, my eyes were glassy and I could barely focus. I stood leaning against the counter, waiting for the room to stop spinning.
Opening the door I was surprised to find Elijah stood waiting, he pushed himself off the wall instantly coming over. “Iz, what’s wrong?”
Was he actually joking?
“What’s wrong? Oh I don’t know, maybe inviting me to your birthday meal and trying to set me up with Ryan. So then I’ll fit in with all your coupled friends.”
He instantly frowned at my accusation. “That’s not what I was trying to do.”
I held up my hand cutting him off. “Save it, I’m out of here.”
“But we’re going to the new club in town.”
I spun around and then regretted it, losing my balance. My body was now leaning against the wall to maintain some kind of upright position. “Yeah, I don’t think even you are blind enough to see I’m already hammered and can barely walk. After the night from hell sat there feeling like a spare wheel, or left talking to the guy who flirts with me religiously. You know I’m not in that place yet, but you still chose to take it upon yourself to push me into it before I was even ready.”
“Iz . . .” he pleaded, but I just wasn’t interested.
“Do me a favour, Elijah and just leave me alone, go back to your happy friends and just let me be.”
I made to storm off, but he grabbed my arm, pulling me back. “Iz, don’t leave like this, please.”
“It’s too late. I don’t want to be here. I never wanted to come in the first place, but as usual you had to have it your way, because let’s face it, what’s new? You never see farther than your own nose as long as everything is perfect for you. I don’t need to be sat on a table filled with happy couples to know how alone I am, but thanks for the reminder.”
“I never thought . . .” His eyes left mine, dropping down to the floor.
“No, you never do—I’m going home.”
“Let me come with you.” His eyes stared deep into mine in an attempt to sway my decision.
“No, thanks, the star of the show can’t leave.”
His hand dropped from my arm and a look of hurt quickly crossed his face. “You don’t have to be a bitch, Iz.”
“Well, that’s how I feel. Oh and by the way . . .” I popped open my clutch bag, grabbing the present I’d bought and tossed it to him. “Happy birthday.”
I walked off without saying another word. Tears streamed down my face as I walked outside, instantly feeling the cold night air hit my skin. I pulled off both shoes to steady my balance and headed towards the taxi rank. Tonight had been the night from hell, and I for one, just wanted it to be over.