The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set (35 page)

Why hadn’t he told me he was back?

I bit my lip anxiously, so hard I tasted blood. My heart began to drum hard in my chest, everything pointing to bad. I wasn’t certain if I was brave enough to face what was beyond the door.

I unwound my scarf, and my fingers shook, grasping the wool tight. I hung it up along with my coat. I knew I was biding my time, but I couldn’t put off the inevitable forever.

The rest of the flat was in complete darkness. My breathing became shallower with each step till it was almost non-existent. I stood silently at the door with my ear pressed up tight against the hard wood. I could just about make out his light breathing.

A tear trickled down my cheek hearing the sound I had missed so much. My heart ached for him, to be near him once again.

My thoughts took on a different direction the moment I opened the door. I clicked on the small lamp to reveal the sight of him asleep, clutching a three quarters empty bottle of Jack. It was enough to take my breath away for all the wrong reasons.

His angelic expression looked so worn, so tortured. I didn’t need to see his eyes to know what had gone on. I could feel the energy around him was far from good. The blood coursing through my veins now turned to ice.

He stirred a little reacting to the light, attempting to bring himself round from his drunken stupor.

Tears filled my eyes, watching his bloodshot ones begin to flutter. He eventually prized them open, but the glare he gave me was a look I’d never forget.

“What are you doing here?” he snapped.

I flinched at his response. His voice sounded so cold and heartless. His eyes were dark and hard and held no emotion. The warmth normally residing there was long gone, he was like an empty shell of the man I knew and love.

“What do you mean ‘what am I doing here’? I live here, what kind of a question is that?”

He jumped slightly when I moved to go near him, avoiding my eyes. I could tell he was embarrassed to be caught when his hand dropped the bottle.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” I asked softly. I needed for him to open up to me, to tell me what was wrong so we could try to fix it.

What had made him go to this extreme? He only hit the Jack when things were really bad, but I didn’t have to be Einstein to know who was the reason behind it all.

He groaned, closing his eyes and turned over, pulling the cover over his head as a means of escape. He was retreating back into his shell and pushing me away.

Anger surged through me, he was freezing me out once again. I grabbed the cover hard, wrenching it away from him so he was fully exposed. There was nowhere to hide; he had to face me. I was determined to find out what was the cause of his downfall.

His face contorted in anger. “For fuck’s sake, Izzy, knock it off.” He grabbed the duvet back with such force he almost dragged me off my feet.

I stumbled forward and tears pricked my eyes at his cold, cruel actions. “Joel, what the fuck is going on? You’d better tell me right now.” My body shook with anger and fear. He had never been physically rough with me before. I was determined to get some answers, even if I had to drag them out of him.

“Just do me a favour and leave me alone,” he spat out, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

“What, to let you wallow in your misery? I don’t think so,” I snapped back. “Tell me what happened while you were away.” I stood holding my breath with my eyes boring into him, waiting for a response. My heart slammed inside my chest at the reality that my worst fear was about to come true.

He kept his back to me using it as a barrier, not capable of looking me in the eye. “It’s none of your fucking business, just leave me the fuck alone.”

Leave him alone?

The rage intensified inside. I couldn’t believe his dad had screwed up even more of his life. I launched myself across the room, tears streaming down my face. I grabbed the bottle, the root of all evil, and hurtled towards the kitchen.

I knew Joel was close behind. I heard his footsteps fast approaching at what I was about to do, but I ran quickly unscrewing the cap, emptying the contents down the sink.

He grabbed my arm, spinning me around, the final remains trickled onto the floor. “What the fuck, Izzy?” His eyes were dark and filled with rage as his fingers dug hard into my skin.

I flinched with the pain as fear ripped right through me, but I wouldn’t let him see how scared I was.

I squared up to him so our faces were barely inches apart. “Sorry, is that you, Joel or your dad talking? Because right at this fucking moment I can’t tell the difference.”

He instantly let go. My words had the desired impact, snapping him out of his rage. He turned his back on me, walking to the other side of the room so I couldn’t see his face anymore. I could only imagine the look he now displayed. He hated being compared to his dad. My words were cruel, but I needed him to see how badly he was behaving.

Unable to be apart a moment longer, I closed the distance between us and soothingly placed my hand against his warm, naked skin. He flinched, quickly recoiling from my touch like he could no longer bear me being near.

“Joel, you’re going to tell me what’s wrong. What the hell happened at your uncle’s? I know it’s to do with your dad. Whatever it is we can get through this, don’t push me away. Please, I’m begging you, talk to me.”

We stood in complete silence, the only sounds filling the air were the sounds of our breaths. My heart hammered deep into my chest, waiting for him to speak, praying he would just let me back in.

“Izzy.” His tone was glacial, and my heart plummeted.

I had been here before; I knew where this was heading.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I think we should break up. You’re trying to change me into someone different, and I’m not your happily ever after. I screw girls and break their hearts, that’s just what I do. What we had was fun, but I’m bored. You need to find someone else and let me get back to being the real Joel.”

What?

Liar.

I instantly stood back in shock; his cold, cruel words left me reeling. I fought hard to keep breathing, despite my body’s best attempt to shut down.

It was all a lie, it had to be.

I knew the real Joel, this guy was fake, an imposter. It was who he became when he retreated back into his old shell.

“Fun? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what you think, Joel? Tell me the truth straight from the heart,” I screamed. “’Cause I don’t fucking accept it. I know the real you, the Joel who wants to be loved, he’s still there inside, this is just the old Joel is doing one hell of a good job trying to mask it.” Tears poured down my face. I hoped my words would break through his cold, hard exterior, but he showed no emotion when he turned around.

The cold, dark eyes staring back were not familiar, it was like looking at a stranger. The Joel I knew and loved was gone.

His eyes dropped down to the floor. “Just accept it’s over, Iz, I have. I told you I’d end up breaking your heart, and I’m sorry, but we’ve been living a lie. I can’t let it carry on. You need to pack your stuff and let me move on.”

Move on? Just like that?

In that moment I hated the coward he had become. I charged at him, pushing his chest, so he fell back hard against the counter. He grabbed me. and I lost my footing hitting my forehead hard on the edge of the cupboard.

I groaned with the instant pain, and my hand instantly touched my face, feeling the warm blood begin to trickle down my forehead.

His eyes flickered for a moment, looking almost apologetic. They soon returned back to their icy stare, his face still held no emotion. I felt like my heart had slowly been ripped apart. I snatched up the nearest tea towel and pressed it against my head to stem the bleeding, trying to ignore the blinding pain.

A tear rolled down my cheek at what I was about to say. “I know what you really feel for me, Joel. Stop trying to do me a favour all because you let your dad screw with your head. I’m tired of trying to convince you how much I love you. I can’t keep fighting you on it. You should know by now how I feel and yet you let your dad win every time. He destroys you, and so you destroy me.

I hope you’re happy with yourself, if that’s what you want, to have your old life back, then go ahead. Go shag as many girls as you like, but you’ll always see my face. I’ll still be in your dreams, I will haunt you everywhere you go, ’cause I am in here.” I slammed my hand against his heart, and he flinched with the contact, quickly stepping back as my hand dropped back down to my side.

“When you do finally wake up and realise I was the best thing you ever had, I will have moved on. I’m not prepared to spend another six years of my life waiting around for you to decide, I deserve more. So you go back to the old Joel, the Joel that didn’t give a fuck, but know this, I know the truth. You think I don’t recognise this whole charade you’re putting on. Trust me, you’re not that good an actor. But before I leave, you should know you haven’t just broken my heart, you’ve shattered it into a million pieces. It’s now beyond repair. See, I know this was it for me, it doesn’t get any better than the love we shared. The only person I ever wanted, ever needed, is standing right in front of me. One day you’ll realise that too, or maybe it was one big lie, and you had me fooled the whole time.”  My voice broke on the last few words, at the idea of actually walking away from him.

He stood frozen in front of me. The muscle twitched in his tight jaw as he stayed completely silent with his hands balled into fists.

I swiped away the tears that were coming fast as the realisation that it was actually over finally registered.

My heart shattered.

I’d hoped for some reaction, but his eyes still remained cold and soulless. The Joel I loved was no longer here, he vanished the moment he walked out the door five days earlier. I couldn’t bear to look into the cold, dark eyes of this imposter a moment longer.

The sobs came thick and fast. I needed to leave before I collapsed on the floor and totally gave into the grief.

I stormed past him, tears streaming down my face. I fought to keep breathing, though in the present moment I just wanted to die. I yanked the door open launching myself down the stairs, running out into the cold, icy morning air.

I didn’t get far, my legs were already giving out. My body was beginning to shut down, the grief too hard to take. I collapsed onto the bench just outside the pub, the warm tears stung as my face grew increasingly numb. In my rush to leave, all thoughts of grabbing my coat had gone straight out my head, my mind consumed by Joel and putting some distance between us.

I sat shivering as the chill spread throughout my body, watching as the sun began to rise on this cruel winter morning.

I didn’t know how long I’d been sitting here. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. All I was aware of was the numb feeling, spreading through my veins. My chest heaved as the sobs racked through my body. I was right back where I started, only this time the torture was far greater. I knew I’d never recover from losing this one true love. I’d be mourning its loss for the rest of my days.

I lay back on the bench and closed my eyes. I just wanted to sleep to block it all out and pretend like everything was still fine. My breaths became shallower as my body slowly turned to ice, and I sighed with relief, feeling myself slowly slip under.

Soft, gentle snowflakes were enough to rouse me when they began to nestle against my skin. I looked up into the dark morning sky to see flakes tumbling down around me. It was the first snowfall of the season.

I loved snow.

It had the power to make even the most horrid of places appear beautiful with its perfect white blanket.

The flakes began falling faster, and I reached up with my hand towards the sky, catching and feeling the flakes flutter between my fingers. I softly hummed our song, hearing his sweet, tender voice in my head. I closed my eyes as fresh tears escaped down my cheeks, holding onto the memories we shared as they played out in my head.

The feel of warm fingers brushing against my skin jerked me awake as a pair of strong arms wrapped around me.

My eyes fluttered open, hoping to look into his loving, warm blue eyes. A fresh tear trickled down my cheek when Elijah’s face filled my sight.

“Sweetie, you’re going to freeze out here, where is your coat?”

I knew in that moment Joel had called him. He probably wanted me out the way so he could begin his new life.

One that no longer included me.

“I don’t know . . .” I whispered.

I was too numb to care.

He pulled me upright and tucked me under his arm, walking the short distance to Mike’s car. Elijah slowly manoeuvred me inside where I came face to face with Mike’s angry glare. I could tell he was only managing to keep a lid on it.

Elijah quickly climbed in beside me, and I heard the engine spring to life. He clicked my seatbelt shut before grabbing hold of both my hands, desperately rubbing and blowing to bring life back into them. I didn’t care, they were dead like the rest of me. All I wanted was to close my eyes and sleep forever.

“Izzy. What the fuck? Did Joel hit you?”

I didn’t have the energy to respond, it was taking everything inside to just keep breathing.