The Gladiator’s Master (21 page)

He frowned and shook at the door. “Guard!”

There was no answer and he was about to shout again when movement caught his eyes at the entrance to the gladiator quarters. His eyes widened in shock as Caelius approached his cell. For a moment he was so startled by Caelius being there that he didn’t notice the small, wailing bundle in his arms. When he did, he gaped.

“What do you think you are about? The babe should not be here!” The
ludus
was no place for an infant.

Caelius turned Faustus in his arms so that he could see Gaidres. His wailing stopped, but the fretful expression on his little face wrenched Gaidres’s heart. “He has missed you,” Caelius said. “Since you have refused to leave your cell he has not seen you and since I am leaving at dawn for Caere I don’t know when you’ll have the opportunity to see him again.”

Gaidres had reached through the bars so he could touch Faustus and his hand froze as he looked at Caelius. “What do you mean leave at dawn? What has happened? Is it her family?” If Valeriana’s family had dared disregard his warning…

Caelius shook his head. “No, there was a fire and some injuries. I go to make sure they have everything they need to rebuild and restock.”

Before Gaidres could press for more details, Caelius unlocked the cell door and handed Faustus to him. Gaidres’s eyes went wide with surprise, but he could no sooner not take the babe than he could stop the sun from rising. “Hold him. I know not when you’ll get a chance again and he has been keeping the entire villa awake with his anger.”

Gaidres’s stomach pitched as Caelius gave him no choice but to take the babe. The boy’s dark eyes, so like his father’s, blinked up at him and he let out one of those small chirps that Gaidres had become accustomed to while they were in Caere.

But the sound did not give him the usual pleasure. It echoed off the walls of his cell and Gaidres felt nauseated. “He does not belong here!” Gaidres pushed past Caelius, toward the entrance to the courtyard. Faustus did not belong anywhere near a cell. Gaidres cradled him as they emerged into the moonlight of the courtyard, able to breathe easier now. “There now, little one.”

Caelius followed, watching Gaidres. “As I said, I leave in the morning for Caere and Faustus has missed you. I see you have missed him, as well.”

Gaidres glanced up, eyes narrowed. “Do not bring him in there again, Caelius.”

“I would not have had to if you would come to my chamber when I request it.”

Gaidres glanced back down at the infant, unable to help the smile that tugged at his lips as the babe appeared to be sticking his tongue out at him. “There is nothing to be said.”

Caelius sighed. “We disagree on that, but fortunately for you I will not be here to argue with for a time. I wanted to be sure you were aware and to allow my son a visit.”

Gaidres’s head jerked up. “You do not bring him with you.”

“Of course I do. Helene will accompany me, as will a full guard. There is no need to worry.”

Gaidres didn’t like it, then cursed himself for even caring. So instead of protesting, as he’d been about to, he nodded. “I will see to it that the men are ready for the Lupercalia in your absence, Dominus.”

“I have no doubt that you will. And I do intend on being back before then.” There were unspoken things in Caelius’s eyes and guilt tugged at Gaidres. That he felt guilty at all irked him.

Faustus lifted his head, turning his face toward them each as if following the conversation. “I see he holds himself steady now.” Gaidres beamed in pleasure. “I knew you could do it, little one.”

“Yes, he does and his voice is very penetrating when he’s unhappy. You have been spared that.”

Gaidres looked up and their eyes met as they stared at each other in silence. It seemed as if a wealth of words were said in that glance and nothing at all was resolved.

Faustus chirped again to grab his attention and then cooed as Gaidres beamed down at him and stroked his cheek. He had missed the babe terribly. He didn’t want to say it, but he had missed Caelius, as well. It was much easier to admit his attachment to Faustus. Then the moment was over as Gaidres handed the infant back with a soft sigh of regret.

“I am sure you have many details to see to before you go. Gratitude for letting me see him, Dominus, but do not bring him here again.”

It was good that Caelius was going to Caere. For now the man knew that Gaidres could not ignore his next summons. If he tried, all Caelius would need to do was send word that he would be bringing Faustus to the
ludus
for a visit instead.

“A moment more, please, Gaidres.” Caelius turned Faustus in his arms so that the babe faced Gaidres. “You have not given me a chance to apologize and I would do so now.”

Gaidres stiffened and he shook his head. “Apologies are not necessary, Dominus.”

“They are. I should never have tried to order you not to fight in the Lupercalia. I was wrong and I knew it the moment I spoke. I should not have tried to take your choice away from you.” Caelius bit his lip and looked down at his son. “It was the action of a desperate man who feared to lose you. I spoke to you of love and then drove you away. It was foolish of me.”

Gaidres was weary of being angry, and the apology was genuine. He sighed. “Gratitude for that, Dominus. You were within your rights to do so, though it irks me to admit it.”

Caelius nodded, exhaling with a resigned look. “Be careful in your training while I am away. I wish to find you whole and sound when I return.”

Silence reigned for a moment more before, as one, they turned and began to cross the courtyard together.

Back in the
ludus,
Caelius reached through the bars and cupped Gaidres’s cheek, his thumb brushing over his jaw. “You will be in my thoughts.”

Gaidres’s jaw flexed. “I wish you a safe journey, there and back.” He felt a weight on him, words heavy on his tongue. There was more, but he did not know what, and for a long moment they stared at each other.

Then, as if he’d just realized that he wasn’t going to get handed back to Gaidres, Faustus shrieked.

Gaidres flinched and took a step forward, but the slatted door stood between them and what could he do to comfort either of them anyway? Caelius crooned to the child, bouncing him, then looked back up at Gaidres with regret. Gaidres gestured to the open door leading to the courtyard.

“Go. Take him. He is unhappy here.”

Caelius shook his head, his voice soft but still audible over Faustus’s wails. “So are you.” Then he turned and strode out, the echo of the babe’s cry seeming to linger long after Gaidres knew he was too far away.

Gaidres’s eyes stung and he sank down to his pallet, burying his head in his hands. In truth, they would likely be just fine. But Caere was so far away. And the fire made Gaidres anxious. What if Valeriana’s family had caused it? There were so many dangers. He kicked the floor of his cell in frustration. He had not felt this helpless in a long time. Not since…Gaidres’s eyes closed as he saw Kerses falling to the Roman’s sword.

They would be fine.
He repeated it to himself long into the night.

Gaidres paced, ignoring the wine and fine meal that had been provided to them this night. The Lupercalia was the next day and he was sure Caelius had sent the feast both to provide extra strength and morale, and because for some of them, it would be a last meal.

“Argon, are you not eating? You’re a—”

“Fool, yes, I know.” He cast a tight smile at Demos, who seemed to be having no such trouble consuming all laid before him.

A guard appeared then and Gaidres’s heart leaped, knowing without the man saying a word why he was there. Gaidres rose from the bench, glancing down at Demos. “Here.” He pushed his bowl and jug of wine toward his friend. “I’m sure you will not allow it to go to waste.”

He clapped Demos on the shoulder as he approached the guard. He had intended to refuse Caelius’s summons, but he’d heard them ride in today and he was curious. About the cause of the fire and the people of Caere.

The fire had plagued him. He could not shake the worry that it was no accident and had, over the last two weeks, found himself awoken more and more with terrible dreams of fires and Caelius and Faustus. So he followed the guards and then the lone slave to Caelius’s chamber.

“Dominus,” he murmured as he stepped through the curtains that had been drawn closed across the doorway.

“Leave us.” Caelius gestured the remaining guard from the room as he approached Gaidres. “I was worried you wouldn’t come.”

Gaidres shook his head, glancing up. “I would hear of your trip, Dominus. What findings on the fire? Are you well? Faustus?”

Caelius sank down on the couch, exhaustion written on his face. “Faustus flourishes. I think Caere agrees with him more than Fidena.”

Some of the tension eased from Gaidres and he studied Caelius before moving to the table and pouring him some wine. “And you? Did you rest at all on your journey? What of the villa? What happened?”

He took a sip of the wine and closed his eyes. “Sit, Gaidres, else your hovering will give me fits.” He moved over so Gaidres would have room. He
was
hovering. He had been worried, but he couldn’t admit that to Caelius, who took a drink of wine before continuing.

“How could I rest when there was so much to see to? The villa itself is fine. Most of the stock was either killed outright or had to be killed afterward. There were some burns and broken limbs as my people tried to save what they could, but I am assured now that everyone will recover given time.”

“How did the fire happen? Do you suspect Valeriana’s family?”

“One of the young ones fell asleep on duty and somehow a lamp overturned. It was a blessing he wasn’t killed.” Caelius shook his head with a sigh. “No, Valeriana’s family would not, if for no other reason than they’d feel that it was money slipping out of their hands through the destruction. They did offer their condolences when I went into Caere to inquire about new stock and fodder.”

Gaidres exhaled, relieved that all his anxiety had been for naught. “I am certain they did. Just as I am certain they meant not a word.”

Caelius glanced over at Gaidres. “It warms me that you were concerned.”

Gaidres lifted one shoulder. “The people there were kind to me, and I grew fond of them. The children…”

“You have a soft spot for the little ones, don’t you?”

Gaidres nodded. “I do not deny it. Children are a wondrous blessing.”

Caelius said nothing for a moment, then sighed. “You would make a good father, Gaidres. They are as fascinated with you as you are with them. Is that something you wish for the future?”

He cast Caelius a stony look. “We both know that will never be. For more than one reason.”

“Gladly would I share the raising of Faustus with you,” Caelius said, staring down at his wine.

Dead silence reigned between them as he tried to wrap his mind around such a foolish notion. And yet something inside him had surged desperately at the suggestion. To raise a child with Caelius. To be with them both…he shook his head, brutally shoving down such ridiculous thoughts. “Dominus, you must be the most dangerous dreamer I have ever met and you expose your son to mockery. A slave? A gladiator raising a Roman noble?”

Caelius set his jaw. “It was a thought. You still intend on fighting tomorrow, do you not? Nothing I say will sway you? I would get on my knees before you to plead my case, Gaidres.”

Gaidres shook his head, swallowing hard. “I would not have you beg, Dominus, I—”

“By the gods, Gaidres, can you not say my name? I am no more your master than the sky is green!”

He took a steadying breath. “I would not have you beg,
Caelius,
I would have you understand.”

“Understand what? That you would risk your life for the entertainment of people you hate? Why? Gaidres, tell me.”

“Because I cannot dream as you do.” Gaidres bit off the words, throat tight. “As Kerses did. Dreams get you nowhere, Caelius. They earn you nothing but more pain than you thought possible to live through. Well, I am still standing and there are times, many of them, I have wished I wasn’t.
That
is what dreams do.”

Caelius shook his head, rising to his feet to stand before Gaidres, dark eyes pleading. “No! You see no way out but I am offering you one! Please, Gaidres…I beg you. Do not fight tomorrow.”

Gaidres’s eyes closed and he forced himself to take a step back. “I cannot!” His heart pounded. “You ask too much of me. Why do you torment me so?”

Caelius pressed a hand to his stomach, inhaling sharply. “It is not my intent to torment you, Gaidres. I wish only to see you live.”

“I do not intend to die out there, Caelius.”

Caelius said nothing for a long moment, looking as if he wanted to argue, to rail until Gaidres gave in, but instead he drew in a deep breath. “Would you find better rest here or in your cell?”

Gaidres hesitated and then his expression firmed. “There. I would not have you tormented by my presence either.”

Caelius didn’t answer that. “Come then, you should see Faustus before you return to your cell. Despite your intentions, you know not what will happen tomorrow.”

He almost said no. But he could not refuse the chance to see the babe or the opportunity to stay just a few moments more with Caelius. He didn’t understand either inclination, knew it was foolish, but was too worn out to argue.

He followed Caelius down the hall to the nursery, where Helene walked the floor with Faustus fussing in her arms. She looked relieved at the sight of Caelius and though she cast Gaidres a questioning look, she did not seem surprised to see him where he should not be.

“Thank goodness. He has been fussy since our return. I think he prefers it in Caere.”

Caelius took the infant from her, smoothing his dark curls. “He is not the only one. You may leave us, Helene, I will put him to sleep and come find you when I am through.” The nurse nodded and once she’d gone, Caelius approached Gaidres. “Here, you should hold him. He calms in your arms.”

Gaidres took the child, sighing when, indeed, Faustus calmed his fussing and instead peered up at Gaidres. He had such intelligent eyes. Like his father. “He looks more like you every day.” Gaidres glanced at Caelius. “He will grow to be a fine boy.”

Caelius smiled, though it was weary. “I know he will. Perhaps someday you will teach him swordplay like you did Nerva. Who is excelling, I meant to tell you. And asked when you were coming back to teach him.” He sighed. “I did not know what to tell him.”

Gaidres looked down at Faustus again, heart clenching. He didn’t have an answer, either. For long moments neither of them said anything, standing close together, Gaidres holding Faustus, Caelius stroking the top of the babe’s head. This was what Caelius offered him. Family. Home. Love. And Gaidres had nothing of worth to offer in return. He did not want to hurt Caelius’s gentle heart anymore, but there were things his lover should know…perhaps that would change his mind once and for all.

“Caelius…” He hesitated, then pushed forward past his reluctance. Caelius had earned this, and in Gaidres’s heart he believed the other man would see it for what it was—a gesture of trust. If, for whatever reason, the gods cut him down tomorrow, Gaidres did not want this man to forever believe that he had not cared for him at all. “I would speak with you before I return to the
ludus.
”

Caelius glanced up. “What is it?”

Gaidres looked down at Faustus, who dozed contentedly in his arms. He ought to return him to his cradle, or his father’s arms, but could not seem to let him go. “It is about your uncle.”

Caelius blinked, brows knitting. “Craxus? What brings him to mind now?”

Gaidres didn’t answer right away, gaze locked on the baby’s face, as if he could draw strength from the trust Faustus gave him unquestioningly. Once, he might have considered the helpless, innocent child in his arms an enemy, simply because of the blood that filled his veins. How foolish had he been, to ever think death could mend what had been torn?

Then he lifted his gaze to Caelius. “He is on my mind often, in truth. Especially of late. I want you to know, Caelius, that I will not harm you. Nor the babe. Not now, not ever. I could not. If I were honest I would admit that I never could have, not even the first day.” He met Caelius’s eyes with a rueful smile. “You have been different from the beginning and it is only now that I seem able to recognize it.”

“I never once believed Faustus was in any danger from you.” Caelius gripped Gaidres’s arm, his eyes earnest. “Not after the way you comforted me the night he was born. Not after I saw the way you looked at him and the way you held him with such care. Myself I would risk, but not him. I trusted you then as I do now. Gratitude for telling me that we are safe from you, even if it was not necessary to state what I already knew.”

Gaidres swallowed past the tightness in his throat as he cradled the precious burden in his arms. “That is not all I would confess.”

Caelius’s hand trembled on his arm and his eyes lit up. “You have my ear, as always, Gaidres.”

“I killed Craxus.”

Whatever Caelius had thought Gaidres was going to say, clearly that was not it. Surprise flashed across his handsome face, followed by disappointment and Gaidres looked away before he could see worse in those dark eyes. Instead he stared down at Faustus and continued.

“The guards had gotten lax over keeping everything locked. When I could, I’d leave my cell in search of food. That night Craxus and the entire villa, guards, guests and whores had drunk and fucked themselves into a stupor.” Gaidres had not missed how quiet the villa had been when he’d ventured out with only the sound of snores to break the silence. It had been the chance he’d waited for and he’d gathered the poison that he’d been able to procure from one of the villa slaves and gone in search of Craxus.

The man had been passed out naked on a table with a woman on either side of him.

Caelius’s hand tightened on Gaidres’s arm, interrupting his memory. “You do not have to say any more, Gaidres, I understand. My uncle was a cruel man who had no care for anyone but himself.”

“I had nothing in my heart but hate and vengeance then.” Gaidres looked at Caelius and saw the hope come alive in his face again.

“What do you have in your heart now?”

Gaidres hated the way Caelius looked at him. Like he was a hero. Someone who held all of Caelius’s hopes in his hand and could fulfill them for him. Would that it were so. At the same time as he hated it, he yearned for it, as well. Only one other person had ever looked at him that way, and perhaps once he’d been the sort of man worth pinning one’s dreams on. He did not know if that was still true.

“Regret. Not for what I did to him, but for what I wanted to do to you. I regret the hatred I heaped upon your shoulders, Caelius, and I am sorry for it. You did nothing to deserve my loathing. Craxus deserved what I gave to him, but you committed no crime except perhaps of being born to the family of such a man.”

Caelius bit his lip. “Is that all that is in your heart now, my lion?”

He knew what Caelius wanted. Tender words, soft kisses, a promise of forever. But to give him promises Gaidres could never keep would be the cruelest thing of all. “I would have you know, Caelius, that I seek no more revenge. You said once that Kerses would not have wanted that, and I knew even then how right you were. He is gone from this world, but in my memories he is strong. I think he would be satisfied with that and wish me a long life rather than wanting me to join him so soon.” Their eyes met and while Gaidres could not give him the promises Caelius wanted, he could give him something, pray it was enough. “There are reasons enough to stay, to live. Reasons I would not hide away from as someone once accused me of doing.”

“It is good to know that you do not carry that poison inside of you anymore. I would not care to see you hurt yourself any longer.” Caelius slid his hand around the nape of Gaidres’s neck. “You had cause for such anger. I did not truly understand the depth of it when you first told me of Kerses. I had no knowledge of such a love then.”

To Gaidres’s relief, Caelius did not say the words that he must be longing to say. Instead he let his hand fall away and looked down at his son. “Do you hear that, Faustus? No longer will you have to wail out your anger when you do not get to see Gaidres.”

The babe yawned, scrunched up his face and went right back to sleep. Gaidres chuckled and brushed a kiss over his forehead. “I do not think he is impressed.”

“Does this mean you will no longer ignore my summons?”

Gaidres looked at his lover, lingering worry in Caelius’s eyes. “I won’t.”

“Gratitude for that and for the trust you’ve shown me. You did not have to tell me about Craxus.”

“You have earned the right to know.” Gaidres hesitated. The night was moving toward dawn and the Lupercalia awaited. “You once asked me if you’d earned my respect. You have and not because of the way you treated your household, but because of the way you treated me.”

“Gaidres, please—”

Gaidres touched his fingers to Caelius’s lips, stopping him before he could continue. There was nothing else to say. “I should return to the
ludus.
”