The Gladiator’s Master (9 page)

Gaidres stared at Caelius, mind spinning. It was dark, and shadows clung to Caelius’s naked body. The faint light of a nearly gutted candle beside the bed did nothing to chase the shadows away.

He should kill the man. Now, while he had the chance, before anyone could stop him. A knife lay beside the table as well, where bread and cheese left from the meal they’d shared sat on a tray.

It would be so easy. Caelius would never even know. A quick slice across his vulnerable throat, faintly marked with the abrasion from Gaidres’s whiskers…He would just never wake up. No pain, no betrayal in his dark eyes from knowing Gaidres had done it.

It had been three weeks since he had come storming into this chamber determined to fuck the man until he no longer consumed Gaidres’s every thought. Caelius had a wicked side he never hesitated to indulge. He did things that Gaidres had only heard of, and did them with such abandon. Three weeks of daily, nightly, sometimes it seemed hourly, sex, and yet…the near-obsession had not eased. The dreams haunted him.

He could not remember when last he’d dreamt of Kerses. Every time he closed his eyes he saw this man beside him. His plan seemed to be making things worse. Gaidres hadn’t thought it possible, but he desired Caelius more now than he had then. Rather than cutting it off, indulging the fast-growing weeds of this obsession had led to such an infestation of his mind, his dreams, his thoughts, that he wondered what god he might have angered to do this to him.

He should just kill the man. Caelius had stopped requiring the presence of a slave in his room and at this time of night the guard outside his door would be less vigilant. He’d never have a better opportunity. Gaidres began to stretch across and reach for the knife, when a sudden flurry of activity outside caught his attention.

“Dominus!” A guard, and Gaidres snatched his hand back, heart pounding.

Caelius sat up, glancing at him as he did his best not to look guilty. He wondered if Caelius might somehow be able to see his disloyal thoughts.

“What is it?”

The guard entered, head lowered. “It is Domina. Her time is here, and the babe comes.”

Caelius leaped to his feet as a slave came into the room to help wind a robe around him. There was something about the guard’s demeanor that sent alarm through Gaidres. All was not well, that much was clear.

Caelius seemed to know it too, his face taut with strain. “What is wrong? When did it start?”

“Several hours ago, Dominus. There’s bleeding and she is weakening. The medicus fears for both her and the babe.”

“Why wasn’t I told the babe was coming?” Caelius snapped, worry lacing his voice.

The guard cast an embarrassed glance at the bed and lowered his head even more. “You’d given orders not to be disturbed, Dominus.”

Caelius cursed, then turned to Gaidres. “Don’t leave, please.”

Gaidres didn’t even have a chance to acknowledge him before Caelius was gone from the room and Gaidres sank down on the bed with a sigh. He had lost his chance. He could have ended the house of Laraniia once and for all time tonight, for it seemed as though the babe and Caelius’s wife were not going to make it through the night.

Would he come to look back on this night and curse himself for not doing what had to be done? Those thoughts kept him company as he waited for Caelius to return.

Caelius raced for the wing where he’d placed Valeriana after her hysterics. Before he reached her doorway he could hear the sound of her sobs, reedy with exhaustion. Guilt and fear lodged in his throat. He pushed his way through the doorway and the crowd of women about the bed, horror striking him as he saw the amount of blood staining the sheets. Valeriana’s pale curls clung to her cheeks and neck, her skin almost translucent from her ordeal.

“Dominus, you shouldn’t be here.” Helene, his old nurse, stepped in his path and gave his chest a gentle shove. “Go, I will send for you when there is news. The medicus will tend to her.”

“Caelius.”

At the sound of his name, Caelius stepped around Helene and sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Valeriana’s limp hand in his. There was a chill in her flesh, but at his touch her weak sobbing ceased and she turned pain-glazed eyes on him.

“I’m here. You must save your strength, Valeriana.”

“I…I didn’t think…you’d come.” The whisper was so faint and his wife’s eyes fluttered closed.

“I should’ve been here sooner.” Caelius’s heart seized with fear. It seemed that every flicker of life had fled from her. “Valeriana, you’re stronger than this.”

“Dominus!” Helene seized his shoulders and turned him toward her, her expression grim. “It is too late. There isn’t much time for the medicus to cut the babe free. Go stand over there if you must stay!”

Dazed, Caelius backed off, unable to believe what was happening as his wife was once again surrounded and the medicus rushed back to her side. She was gone. She couldn’t be gone. Now his babe could go with her. His eyes stung as he turned, helpless, searching for something to do and he began to pray to every god ever named, in hopes one would hear him and spare his child.

It seemed hours, but couldn’t have been because the sky was still dark when Caelius returned to his chambers. The awful news must have showed in his expression because Gaidres rose from the couch and took a step forward.

“Dominus?” He glanced uncertainly at the doorway, as if wondering if he ought to go.

“Apologies, Gaidres. I should have sent you back…” Caelius slumped on the couch and Gaidres frowned, moving closer. “She is gone.”

Gaidres looked as if he’d suspected as much, and was unsure how to respond. “I grieve for you, Dominus. The child?”

“He lives, though weakened from his ordeal.” Caelius searched Gaidres’s face, guilt and need fighting a brutal war inside him. His wife had been dying and he’d been unaware, lingering with this man in his bed. Yet the thought of sending him away tore Caelius up inside even more than Valeriana’s passing which only made the guilt that much worse. “Helene assures me that he has bonded with his wet-nurse and sleeps comfortably. We should know by morn whether he strengthens or weakens further.”

“Dominus, wouldn’t you rather be with your son right now? I can return to my cell.” Gaidres frowned.

Caelius reached out and caught Gaidres’s hand, shaking his head in denial. “Please stay, I…I do not wish to wait alone.” He looked at Gaidres with pleading eyes. He needed the contact, though he’d understand if Gaidres didn’t want to stay.

“Helene sent me back here to wait.” He knew he must sound like a babbling fool, but he could not seem to make himself be quiet. “My old nurse is the only one other than you who dares to lay hands on me and give me orders.”

Gaidres sat beside him on the couch, and Caelius fell silent, turning anguished dark eyes on Gaidres.

“I failed her.”

Gaidres looked down, and it occurred to Caelius that his words must bring him remembered pain. His eyes stung. He did not wish to remind Gaidres of his own hurts.

“I understand how that feels, Dominus.” He shook his head and looked up at him. “Sorrow for your loss. But your son lives. The gods look with favor upon you in that, do they not?”

He gave Gaidres a faint smile and nodded. “They do.”

“Perhaps it’s best to focus on that. Surely his mother would want you to care for him as best you can rather than grieve. Honor her in raising him to be a strong, good man.”

Valeriana would want him to grieve because that would’ve meant Caelius had cared. It was his own failing that he had been unable to show her that he had, in his own way, just not the way in which she wished. It hadn’t been enough. Still, she had been a proud woman, perhaps too proud, and she had wanted her children to be of his house and no other.

“I have no intention of raising him any other way.” Caelius hoped that he would do half as well as his own father.

Caelius turned to Gaidres and brushed his fingers over his cheek. It had been an impulse to ask him to stay. He had not expected to find any comfort from him, and to receive it was another blessing from the gods. “I know you understand.” Though Gaidres’s pain and loss made his own seem pale in comparison. “And I thank you.”

“Your gratitude is not necessary, Dominus.” Gaidres looked uncomfortable with the situation.

Caelius wanted him to stay and wait with him until dawn, but was loath to ask. He knew how much seeing him stirred Gaidres up and brought back painful memories. Sometimes he wondered why the man came to him at all, though he, for one, did not want the visits to stop. “If you wish to go back, you may. I fear there will be little sleep in this room tonight.” Not while he was waiting and agonizing.

Gaidres pushed to his feet and turned to go. Caelius laid his elbows on his knees, slumping his head in his hands and trying not to think about the rest of the night stretching out before him. The sound of Gaidres moving back toward him had him lifting his head again in confusion.

Gaidres turned to the table and reached for the bottle of wine and two cups. Relief flowed through Caelius. He did not know why Gaidres had changed his mind but was glad of it.

His lover carried the wine and the cups to the bed and sat, holding out one of the cups to Caelius. “Come. Drink. We will wait together for word of your child’s health.”

Caelius pushed to his feet to join him. “You would do this for me?”

Gaidres met his gaze as Caelius sat and took the proffered wine. “No man should be alone with his own thoughts at a time such as this. Best to muddle them with wine.” Gaidres paused, seeming to cast about for a conversation that might distract him. “The new men are settling in well. More than a few show great promise.”

Caelius seized upon the topic with relief. “I had hopes they would, though I’m sure that new blood in any
ludus
stirs things up. Have there been any struggles with the men seeking to come out on top?” It was to be expected. A gladiator was a fighting man, always seeking to be the best.

“Some, though Doctoré is not one to let matters slip out of control. He channels the aggression in practice. It is hard to start a fight if one is worn out from the day’s training.”

Gaidres took a sip of wine, his eyes faraway, and Caelius wondered where his thoughts were. He used the moment to study the man, who claimed to hate all Romans, yet sat beside him this night.

Especially now when anxiety and guilt were a storm in his heart. The sight of Gaidres sitting next to him, knowing he chose to stay, filled him with warmth even as it made the guilt worse. He’d never been so drawn to a person.

“And the equipment? Your doctoré is not afraid to request what he needs and for that I’m grateful.” Gaidres turned to Caelius, his eyes solemn.

“The new equipment is the finest quality, Dominus. Gratitude.”

“Good, very good. Too long this
ludus
has sat wasted, and you and the other men with it. I will not let that remain the case.” With another several months, it would be possible for the men to compete in the arena again.

“It is not, Dominus. Soon I am sure we will be ready to battle on the sands once again. And our victory will repay your generosity.”

Caelius hesitated at that, glancing down at his cup and then back up at Gaidres. “I would remove you from the
ludus
and the battles. I have lost my wife and may yet lose my son…” Caelius sighed and met Gaidres’s eyes. “I would not lose you if I could help it.”

Gaidres tensed, shaking his head. “No. I ask you do not, Dominus. The arena is all I have, all I know anymore.” And the only way he might be parted from this world without having to do the deed himself, Caelius thought. Death
ad gladium
would probably be welcome for him.

“My apologies, Gaidres. I know your feelings on the matter. It is your choice to fight and I’ll not bring it up again.” Caelius touched his hand and some of Gaidres’s tension eased. “But if you ever change your mind, I—”

“I won’t, Dominus. Not ever.”

Caelius bit back his sigh and refilled their wineglasses. He didn’t want to anger Gaidres or pick at wounds that had never healed. “It is still some months away, but I had thought to open the
ludus
for the Lupercalia festival. It is a grand enough occasion to show off everything that has been accomplished.”

“We will be ready, that I swear.” The rest of Gaidres’s tension left him now that Caelius spoke of matters the gladiator was interested in. “You’ll have a
ludus
that will bring pride and glory to the House of Laraniia.”

Pride and glory, two concepts that Caelius didn’t understand and had no real wish for. They seemed to be all that Gaidres would allow himself. Caelius measured pride in other ways and as for glory, everything he’d ever heard of glory said that it had been won off the blood and tears of other men. All the goals he had nurtured seemed petty this night, and the path he had laid out for himself had gotten tangled in a labyrinth in his mind.

“With men such as you, I do not doubt it for one moment.” What he did doubt was whether it was worth the cost. “Tell me, Gaidres, do you still desire my blood on your hands?”

He didn’t answer right away and Caelius was relieved he was giving the question true consideration instead of just denying it outright. He could trust then, that Gaidres might be more forthcoming.

“I do,” Gaidres admitted.

He drew a breath, just realizing he’d been holding it in. It was the truth. Though he wondered about Gaidres’s ability to follow through if he had not done so yet. He’d had many chances, especially when Caelius slept beside him, and he’d done nothing. But Gaidres would not lie.

He didn’t respond for a moment, tipping back his wine and looking away in thought. After a moment he met Gaidres’s gaze. “I respect your honesty. Most would not be so sincere.”

Gaidres’s eyes narrowed. “What are you going to do?”

No doubt the gladiator expected retribution. He should not let such an admission lie unanswered. To do so would be folly of the greatest kind.

“For now? I believe you an honorable man, Gaidres, and so for now I would simply ask your word that you will not kill me this night. Wait for another night. There has been enough blood spilled, I think.”