The Girl Code (11 page)
THE WALK OF SHAME
As every college graduate knows, this is the stroll home after your indecent act, which everyone who sees you knows you just committed, because you're in some outfit that reeks of “I wore this ensemble last night…and am just going home now.” It's usually accentuated by a hairdo that looks the same.
SEXUAL HANGOVER
You know the guilt that accompanies excessive drinking? Multiply it times ten, and now you know what to expect the day after a one-night stand. P.S. This hangover doesn't go away as fast as the drinking kind.
MERCY F**K
When you've held out for so long that you actually take pity on the man before breaking off your sexless relationship, so you just give him a piece of the pie, so to speak, before letting him go.
REBOUND RUN-IN
When you've been broken up with a guy for a really long time, and you just happen to see him out somewhere. Do all the catching up you want until you sleep with him; then just consider yourselves all caught up and move on.
LOVE SLAVE
If you see any man (including an ex-boyfriend) on a number of occasions, over any length of time, for one purpose only. Even though it's a common occurrence, in spirit it counts as a one-night stand.
HOWEVER
If you sleep with a guy on a first date, it does not necessarily constitute a one-night stand. You may go on to have a long-term relationship. Then again, he could change his opinion of you after having sex so soon…but then what the hell would you want with him anyway.
“lago was nothing compared to some of the women I went to high school with.”
—D.F.
NO SIMULTANEOUS TRY-ONS
Never ever try on the same article of clothing that your friend is trying on. At best, this causes insecurity in both parties. At worst, it inspires an unnecessary and false sense of hubris in one friend and anywhere from three days to three weeks of depression in the other.
GETTING A PERMISSION SLIP
If your girlfriend purchases an article of clothing and you will absolutely die without it, you must ask her permission before buying it for your own collection.
Warning:
Do not attempt to buy the article and rationalize that you will never wear it in her presence, because
you know you
will run into her one evening when you're both wearing it.
STIPULATIONS TO PERMISSION SLIPS
(1)
When verbally applying for a permission slip, you must solemnly swear that you will always clear it with her when you want to wear the article.
(2)
You must also affirm that you will always give credit where credit is due and tell any mutual friend who compliments you that she had it first.
CLONING
When you realize that you're buying item number three that your friend already owns, you are now officially a clone of your friend. If you find yourself in this situation, it is time to stop shopping and go get a therapist. (And just so you know, her friends call you a loser behind your back.)
AVOIDING THE CLAWS
Wherever possible, try to shop with a friend who has a relatively similar body type and a relatively similar wallet size. Too many hours in a department store with women who are excessively thin or excessively rich can drive even the kindest girl to random acts of violence.
BARNYARD DRESSING ROOMS
You know those communal fitting rooms that force you to change your clothes in front of everyone else? The ones with no privacy and not even a curtain to hide behind? Don't shop there.
First of all, you all look like a bunch of cows grazing on marked-down items. Second, it's hard to feel fabulous in a potential new dress with naked people around you. General Rule: Naked will always upstage you.
VICTORIA'S OTHER SECRET
Don't go underwear shopping with your girlfriends. It's just weird.
SANDAL-READY FEET
If your friend hasn't learned the importance of a pedicure, don't let her go trying on strappy little sling backs. Keep her moving toward the tall boot section no matter what…or you will be the one explaining why even the salesmen keep their distance.
COAT CLUSTERS
The only time it is okay to have the same coat as your friend is when you are on the same sports team, in the same sorority, or working together at the same company and they were free.
Automatic Exceptions:
when you're sleeping with men who are on the same team, in the same fraternity, or working for the same company.
MI CASA NO ES TU CASA
Don't buy your friends decorative items for their homes. Your taste is not their taste, and they can't even return your gifts if they don't like them because they know you are going to look for them when you come over.
QUICK CUTS
It is never cool to have the same haircut as your friend. Similar can be cute; the same practically implies lesbianism.
And while you're at it:
Don't get your hair cut at the mall anyway.
ANIMALS
US
Don't go to those pet stores in the mall with fellow females. You already know it makes you smell like cat litter for the rest of the day, but you may not know what two women together in a pet store also stink of: impending spinsterhood.
“Old friendship does not rust.”
—HENRIK IBSEN
FIRST-ROUND DRAFTS
In case everyone has forgotten, the bride-to-be picks her bridesmaids because they are close friends, not because they're a perfect size six. If you skip your closest friends, for the ones who look prettiest in photos, no one will ever be over to see them.
UNIFORM HELL
The time to think about a bridesmaid's dress size is when you are choosing the dress. Putting a size fourteen-plus friend in a pink sequin sweetheart neck with no sleeves will be seen as an act of aggression, not friendship. If you make your bridesmaids look like a sideshow, they're going to steal your spotlight, to both of your dismay.
SOME PERSPECTIVE
Though brides want to believe that their bridesmaids will do differently, no one ever wears their dress again. We don't shorten it, we won't redye the shoes, and usually the whole ensemble takes up valuable closet space for up to five years. So never kid yourself, it's destined for the garbage.
A THOUSAND-DOLLAR WEEKEND
The outfit your bridesmaids will love you for is the one they don't spend a lot of money on.
How much is too much?
Decide which bridesmaid in your party makes the least amount of money, estimate her daily take, and multiply by two. That's how much she should pay for the tent and tires she has to buy and wear on your important day.
HONOR AMONG MAIDS
All weddings have glitches and all wedding parties are dysfunctional, and the maid of honor is honorbound to keep the bride in the dark.
For instance:
Control the details, organize the shopping, edit the backstabbing, and keep her mother as far away from her as you can.