Authors: Fran Lebowitz

The Fran Lebowitz Reader (2 page)

I am not a callous sort. I believe that all people should have warm clothing, sufficient food, and adequate shelter. I do feel, however, that unless they are willing to behave in an acceptable manner they should bundle up, chow down, and stay home.

I speak here not only of etiquette, for while etiquette is surely a factor, acceptable behavior is comprised of a good deal more. It demands, for instance, that the general public refrain from starting trends, overcoming inhibitions, or developing hidden talents. It further requires acceptance of the fact that the common good is usually not very and that there is indeed such a thing as getting carried away with democracy. Oppression and/or repression are not without their charms nor freedom and/or license their drawbacks. This can clearly be seen in the following chart.

THE BY-PRODUCTS OF OPPRESSION AND/OR REPRESSION

THE BY-PRODUCTS OF FREEDOM AND/OR LICENSE

WOMEN

1. Well-kept fingernails	1. The word chairperson
2. Homemade cookies	2. The acceptance of construction boots as suitable attire for members of the fair sex
3. A guarantee that at least one segment of the population could be relied upon to display a marked distaste for strenuous physical activity	3. Girl ministers
4. The distinct probability that even a small gathering would yield at least one person who knew how to respond properly to a wedding invitation	4. The male centerfold
5. Real coffee	5. Erica Jong

JEWS

1. Highly entertaining stand-up comedians	1. Progressive nursery schools
2. The Stage Delicatessen	2. Frozen bagels
3. A guarantee that at least one segment of the population could be relied upon to display a marked distaste for strenuous physical activity	3. The Upper West Side
4. The development and perfection of theatrical law as a flourishing profession	4. The notion that it is appropriate for a writer to surrender a percentage of his income to an agent
5. Interesting slang expressions, particularly those used to describe Gentiles	5. Erica Jong

BLACKS

1. Jazz	1. Strawberry wine
2. The provision of the southern portion of the United States with a topic of conversation	2. Negro accountants
3. Tap dancing	3. Inventive forms of handshaking
4. The preservation in our culture of a lively interest in revenge	4. Open admissions
5. Amos ‘n’ Andy	5. Sammy Davis, Jr.
6. Interesting slang expressions, particularly those used to describe white people	6. The Symbionese Liberation Army

TEEN-AGERS

1. The thrill of illicit drinking	1. Strawberry wine
2. Sexual denial and the resultant development of truly exciting sexual fantasies	2. Easy sexual access and the resultant premature boredom
3. The swank of juvenile delinquency	3. Social commitment
4. The glamour of alienation	4. People who may very well just be discovering symbolist poetry being allowed to vote

HOMOSEXUALS

1. Precision theatrical dancing	1. A Chorus Line
2. Sarcasm	2. Amyl nitrate
3. Art	3. Leather underwear
4. Literature	4. Lesbian mothers
5. Real gossip	5. Heterosexual hairdressers
6. The amusing notion that Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf was really about two men	6. The amusing notion that Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf was really about a man and a woman

Two basic steps must be taken in order to reach the eventual goal of acceptable behavior. The first (which I assume you have already accomplished) is a careful perusal of the above chart. The second is ridding oneself of certain popular and harmful misconceptions, as follows:

It is not true that there is dignity in all work. Some jobs are definitely better than others. It is not hard to tell the good jobs from the bad. People who have good jobs are happy, rich, and well dressed. People who have bad jobs are unhappy, poor and use meat extenders. Those who seek dignity in the type of work that compels them to help hamburgers are certain to be disappointed. Also to be behaving badly.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive—you are leaking.

Vocational Guidance
for the Truly Ambitious

People of every age are interested in bettering themselves. It is with this in mind that the majority choose their life work. Most professions require specific training and skills. Some, however—those a bit off the beaten track—must be entered in a different fashion. Since these fields are often the most difficult to gain a foothold in, one is advised to make certain that one is really suited to this type of work. It is with this in mind that I offer the following series of tests.

So You Want to Be the Pope?

This position has traditionally been reserved for men. Women interested in this job should be warned of the almost insurmountable odds against them. Religion also plays an important role here, so if you have your doubts you would be well advised to consider something a touch less restrictive.

I most enjoy speaking …
1. On the phone.
2. After dinner.
3. Off the cuff.
4. In private.
5. Ex cathedra.
Of the following, my favorite name is …
1. Muffy.
2. Vito.
3. Ira.
4. Jim Bob.
5. Innocent XIII.
Most of my friends are …
1. Left-wing intellectuals
2. Loose women.
3. Quality people.
4. Regular guys.
5. Good sports.
6. Cardinals.
All roads lead to …
1. Bridgehampton.
2. Cap d’Antibes.
3. Midtown.
4. Tampa.
5. Rome.
Complete this phrase or word. Dog …
1. House.
2. Food.
3. Tired.
4. Days.
5. ma.
My friends call me …
1. Stretch.
2. Doc.
3. Toni.
4. Izzy.
5. Supreme Pontiff.
For dress-up occasions I prefer …
1. Something kicky yet elegant.
2. Anything by Halston.
3. Evening pajamas.
4. A surplice and miter.
I would feel most secure knowing that I had …
1. Enough money.
2. A good alarm system.
3. A big dog.
4. A union contract.
5. The Swiss Guard.
When annoyed at myself for taking it too easy I …
1. Go on a low-carbohydrate diet.
2. Read Emerson.
3. Swim forty laps.
4. Chop firewood.
5. Wash the feet of the poor.

So You Want to Be an Heiress?

This is a field in which accident of birth carries a lot of weight. One can overcome the problem by marrying well and/or making an old man very happy. Such a method is, however, by no means easy and the lazy would do well to seek employment elsewhere.

If I had to describe myself in just one word, that word would be …
1. Kindly.
2. Energetic.
3. Curious.
4. Pleasant.
5. Madcap.
I cross …
1. Only after looking both ways.
2. Town by bus.
3. The days off the calendar.
4. My sevens.
On weekends I like to go …
1. Camping.
2. Roller skating.
3. For long walks.
4. Bar hopping.
5. To Gstaad.
I find that a good way to break the ice with people is to ask them where they …
1. Buy their vegetables.
2. Shop for appliances.
3. Get their pictures developed.
4. Winter.
Poppy is …
1. A red flower.
2. Heroin in the raw.
3. A type of seed that appears occasionally in bread and rolls.
4. My nickname.
Men make the best …
1. Fried chicken.
2. Flower arrangements.
3. Drinks.
4. Valets.
As a small child I liked to play …
1. Dolls.
2. Doctor.
3. Baseball.
4. Candyland.
5. Mansion.
I never carry …
1. A briefcase.
2. Tales.
3. Typhoid.
4. Cash.
My first big crush was on …
1. Tab Hunter.
2. Paul McCartney.
3. The boy next door.
4. My horse.

So You Want to Be an Absolute Political Dictator?

This job requires stamina, drive, and an iron will. Not recommended for the shy type.

My greatest fear is …
1. Meeting new people.
2. Heights.
3. Snakes.
4. The dark.
5. A coup d’etat.
On a lazy Sunday afternoon I most enjoy …
1. Cooking.
2. Experimenting with makeup.
3. Going to a museum.
4. Just lounging around the house.
5. Exiling people.
I think people look best in …
1. Formal attire.
2. Bathing suits.
3. Clothes that reflect their life-style.
4. Bermuda shorts.
5. Prison uniforms.
When confronted by a large crowd of strangers my immediate reaction is to …
1. Introduce myself to anyone who looks interesting.
2. Wait for them to speak to me first.
3. Sit in a corner and sulk.
4. Start a purge.
The proper manner in which to respond to a chance meeting with me is by …
1. Smiling.
2. Nodding.
3. Saying hello.
4. Giving me a little kiss.
5. Saluting.
When someone disagrees with me my first instinct is to …
1. Try to understand his point of view.
2. Get into a pet.
3. Discuss it calmly and rationally.
4. Cry.
5. Have him executed.
Nothing builds character like …
1. Scouting.
2. The YMCA.
3. Sunday school.
4. Cold showers.
5. Forced labor.

So You Want to Be a Social Climber?

Of all the occupations dealt with here, this is undoubtedly the easiest to crack. It is also, alas, the hardest to stomach—a fact that seems to have had surprisingly little effect upon the hordes that crowd the field.

When alone I most often …
1. Read.
2. Watch television.
3. Write sonnets.
4. Build model planes.
5. Call the Beverly Hills Hotel and have myself paged.
Were a female friend to say something particularly amusing I would most likely …
1. Say, “Hey, that was really funny.”
2. Laugh delightedly.
3. Giggle uncontrollably.
4. Say, “You’re so like Dottie.”
When the phone rings I am most likely to answer by saying …
1. “Hello, how are you?”
2. “Oh, hello.”
3. “Hi.”
4. “Oh, hi, I was just listening to one of Wolfgang’s little symphonies.”
If my house or apartment was on fire the first thing I would save would be …
1. My son.
2. My cat.
3. My boyfriend.
4. My mention in
  Women’s Wear Daily.
I consider dining out to be …
1. A pleasure.
2. A nice change.
3. An opportunity to see friends.
4. A romantic interlude.
5. A career.
My idea of a good party is …
1. A big, noisy bash, with lots of liquor and lots of action.
2. Good talk, good food, good wine.
3. A few close friends for dinner and bridge.
4. One to which I cannot get invited.
If I were stranded alone on a desert island and could have only one book I would want …
1. The Bible.
2. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.
3. The Wind in the Willows.
4. Truman Capote’s address book.
Some of my best friends are …
1. Jewish.
2. Negro.
3. Puerto Rican.
4. Unaware of my existence.
As far as I am concerned, a rose by any other name is …
1. Still the same.
2. A flower.
3. A color.
4. A scent.
5. A Kennedy.

So You Want to Be an Empress?

Once again we are confronted with the problem of family connections. Do not be deceived, however, by this job’s apparent similarity to the heiress game, for it requires a good deal more responsibility. You would be a very foolish girl, though, were you to let that discourage you, for this is the only sort of work that offers the richly rewarding satisfactions of being served by others.

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