The Fran Lebowitz Reader (8 page)

With no dependents, he is free to pursue his selfish interests—among these, the Trick. The Trick allows one a semblance of romantic intimacy without the risk that one’s own importance will be improperly appreciated.

The Trick exhibits those qualities found in a favorite toy. Surely, no sane person would if he could help it knowingly choose a doll that talked about progressive education and demanded that one share the housework—and it is precisely this ability to help it that separates the men from the toys.

Fortunately, there are many available to fill the role of Trick, since the first requirement of the climber is a toehold. In allowing this close proximity one is, indeed, apt to have one’s pocket picked, but one also has the option of causing a nasty spill. It is, therefore, a situation in which everyone concerned can be taken advantage of to the best of his ability. As to the question of who runs the greatest risk of getting hurt, one can only reply that the number of mountains that have suffered severe or fatal injury is infinitesimal when compared to the number who have tackled them.

The word Trick is used to describe the less illustrious member of such an alliance and it fills a genuine need. For the noteworthy partner the words Rich and/or Famous are quite sufficient, but the corresponding adjectives of Cute and/or Well-built are somewhat lacking. Actual names were all right for home use, but neither “Juan” nor “Heather” is really serviceable as a generic term.

Exactly when or why the word Trick was first used for this purpose is unclear, although there is a theory that it derives from the slang of prostitutes, who have long used it in regard to their clients. While this contention
is not without logic it is far more likely that this use of the word Trick was spread by simple (or complex) word of mouth.

I have in the interest of clarification jotted down some notes on the subject, but before we proceed to them there are a few things that must be said:

These notes are for Lord Alfred Douglas.

1. It is wise to avoid the very young Trick. For while it is indeed true that they offer the advantage of having to leave early to get to school, it is equally true that the very same thing can be accomplished by the use of fashion models, who will not only have to be standing on top of the Pan Am Building in full makeup by 8
A.M.
but who also will never need help with their term papers on John Donne.

2. The homosexual’s desire to remain youthful is entirely based on his knowledge that he will never have children and hence will be deprived of legitimately meeting their more attractive friends.

3. There are those for whom the most highly prized quality in a Trick is sheer stupidity. Of this group the most envied is an eminent film director who has installed in his residence a young man whose lips move when he watches television.

4. Random examples of items that are part of the canon of Trick:

5. A good Trick, like a good child, is mannerly. He does not speak unless spoken to, he does not contradict, and he kneels when an adult comes into the room.

6. Mixed company in the modern sense of the term means that Tricks are present. How often one has longed to be left alone after dinner while the Tricks go upstairs and take cocaine.

7. American industry has made a grave error in overlooking the Trick. The market is wide open and would be rewardingly receptive to such products as
strawberry-swirl vodka, Hermès mittens, and a pack of cigarettes with a secret surprise inside.

8. Although the male Trick is more prone to stealing than is the female, neither sex can be trusted alone in the same room with an invitation to a party at Halston’s.

9. Tricks have feelings too, as they will be the first to tell you. If you prick them they do indeed bleed—usually your good vodka.

10. The Trick is, when it comes to finance, truly a child of the modern age, for he never carries cash—at least not his own.

11. Other people’s Tricks pose a special problem. Upon coming across a friend thus accompanied you must, out of politeness, treat the Trick amicably. This is invariably a mistake, for shortly thereafter the friend will divest himself of his consort and for the rest of your life the Trick will be coming up to you at parties and saying hello.

12. The simple black Trick is always appropriate—particularly at events where food is not served.

13. It is not unusual for the male aficionado to draw his Tricks exclusively from the lower orders. Such a person is, indeed, often attracted to the criminal element. When asked wherein lay the appeal, a spokesman for this group replied, “Everybody looks good when they’re under arrest.”

14. Should you be awakened in the middle of the night by a faint scratching sound, do not fear for your health unless you are certain that all valuables have been safely locked away. For it is far less likely that your Trick is suffering a communicable rash than that he is copying out your address book. The more vindictive among you may be interested in devising a phony version of said book in which you have carefully set down the phone numbers of particularly vile ex-Tricks next to the names of your most prestigious and least favorite former employers.

15. The mistreatment of Tricks is the revenge of the intelligent upon the beautiful.

16. Regrettably few Tricks are attractive enough to be allowed to discuss their innermost thoughts. Only those possessed of truly incredible cheekbones should ever be permitted to use the word
energy
in a sentence unless they are referring to heating oil.

17. The Trick is not an equal but he is often an equalizer.

18. Occasionally a Trick will succeed so spectacularly that he will make the transition to person. When this occurs he will assume a truly amazing imperiousness of manner. People love to feel superior to their past.

19. Tricks almost always have pets. This is understandable, as everyone needs someone they can talk to on their own level.

20. Taking an emergency telephone call from a Dr. Juan or a Dr. Heather is certain to result in overinvolvement.

21. There is a distinct Trick taste in literature. Among favorite Trick books are those dealing with the quest for God, such as the words of Carlos Castaneda and Herman Hesse; those depicting a glamorous and torturous homosexuality, as in the case of
Nightwood
by Djuna Barnes; and those assuring Tricks that everything is fine and dandy, especially them. This sort of reading is generally
harmless providing they have mastered the technique of reading quietly to themselves. For even the most hopelessly smitten will bridle at being awakened by Anaïs Nin.

22. When it comes to the visual arts a marked Trick preference is also evident. Work that falls into this category is easy to recognize, as the Trick is unfailingly attracted to that which looks as if he could (or did) make it himself.

23. Art movies on television are ideal for luring the reluctant Trick to one’s apartment. There are very few people who dabble in this field who have not seen the first twenty minutes of
Loves of a Blonde
more times than they care to count.

24. The Trick is, without fail, drawn to the interesting job. Interesting jobs, in this sense, include not only work in museum gift shops but also minor positions on the production crews of documentary films concerning birth defects.

25. The Trick, more often than not, will display an unconquerable bent for creativity. The East Coast Trick leans heavily toward the composition of free-verse poetry, while his West Coast counterpart goes in for song-writing. Tricks of all regions own expensive cameras with which they take swaggeringly grainy photographs of nearby planets and sensitive young drug addicts. This is not difficult to understand, as they are relentless admirers of that which they call art and you call hobbies.

26. One man’s Trick is another man’s design assistant.

27. A New York hostess with a penchant for young
boys gave a dinner at which a kind and fatherly magazine editor found himself seated across from her Trick. Seeking to put the boy at ease, the editor asked him politely what he did. “I’m an alchemist,” the boy replied. Overhearing the exchange, another guest whispered, “Alchemist? They
used
to be bank clerks.”

28. There is occasionally some question as to which member of a given duo
is
the Trick. This sort of confusion results when one (the elder) has money and the other (the younger) has talent. In such cases, and with all due respect to rising young luminaries, unless the money is exceedingly new and the talent exceedingly large, the money, as is its wont, wins. Or as was once said to a somewhat braggardly young artist while window-shopping at Porthaults, “If she has
those
sheets, you’re the Trick.”

29. Tricks like you for what they aren’t. You like Tricks for what you haven’t.

30. If one half of the couple is a waiter or waitress, he or she is always the Trick. Particularly, or in the case of New York City inevitably, if he or she has artistic ambitions. Such individuals may indeed traffic with those that they in turn refer to as Tricks, but that is a level of society far too submerged to be of any interest.

31. At public gatherings Tricks have been observed speaking to one another. What they actually say can only be a matter of conjecture but it is safe to assume that no money is changing hands.

32. The female Trick of great beauty can be readily identified by her habit of putting a cigarette in her mouth with an attitude of absolute assurance that someone else will light it.

33. It might appear to the casual observer that wives are Tricks. This betrays a sorry lack of perception, since no word as innately lighthearted as Trick could ever be used to describe someone with whom you share a joint checking account.

34. It is not good form to take a Trick out unless one
is so firmly established as to be able to afford being associated with someone who might at any given moment write a poem in public.

35. Tricks are often plenteous gift givers. Upon receiving such offerings, one does well to forget old adages, for while it may certainly be true that good things come in small packages it must not be forgotten that this is also the case with ceramic jewelry.

36. Letters from female Tricks are immediately recognizable, as these girls are greatly inclined to cross their sevens and dot their i’s with little circles. In all probability this is caused by their associating the presence of a writing implement in their hand with the playing of tic-tac-toe.

37. Tricks are distinctly susceptible to the allure of faraway places. If you reside in the Village they want to breakfast at the Plaza. If you live in Murray Hill it’s Chinatown they long for. But no matter where you make your home, they all share a consuming desire to ride, in the middle of the night, the Staten Island Ferry. They will, without exception, consider your rejection of such a proposal cold and unfeeling, little realizing that you are simply protecting them from what you know would be overwhelming temptation were you ever to find yourself standing behind them on a moving boat.

Science is not a pretty thing. It is unpleasantly proportioned, outlandishly attired, and often overeager. What, then, is the appeal of science? What accounts for its popularity? And who gave it its start?

In order to better understand the modern penchant for science it is necessary to take the historical point of view. Upon doing this, one makes the discovery that the further back one goes the less science one is likely to find. And that the science one does encounter is of a consistently higher quality. For example, in studying the science of yesteryear one comes upon such interesting notions as gravity, electricity, and the roundness of the earth—while an examination of more recent phenomena shows a strong trend toward spray cheese, stretch denim, and the Moog synthesizer.