The Final Lesson Plan (35 page)

Dear ESPN:

Holy crap people! Did you know that Disney Productions Inc. owns 80% of ESPN too? Something tells me that Walt wouldn't be too pleased with being in
Schooled
or
Schooled II
. I'm sorry about that, Mr. Disney. May you rest in peace. I am a huge fan of your work. Thank you for the many hours I can put my children in front of a television and do what I feel like doing. Without you and your shows/movies, I might have to actually spend time with my kids. Hmmmm...I'm not sure that's what you had in mind.

Dear Sherwood Schwartz (Creator of
The Brady Bunch
):

I did not like the Hawaii trip or the Old West trip. Those sucked! Greg cannot surf—nobody was buying that. He was a douche. I had a thing for Peter. I liked him the best, especially when his voice changed. Oh, ya know what else sucked? Oliver. What in the world were you thinking bringing in that loser? God Almighty. My favorite episode was when Jan was allergic to Tiger, and everyone gave him a bath. Then it turned out, it was his flea powder. I also really liked the episode that Tiger was stealing all the toys/games and putting them in his doghouse. I enjoyed
The Brady Bunch
, especially their bathroom and staircase. Growing up, I wanted to marry an architect, because I thought he could build me a house like that.

Dear George Lucas (Creator of
Star Wars
):

This might make you mad. I kind of pride myself on the fact that I've never seen
Star Wars
. I'm not even really sure why. I do know who Yoda is—that is why I referred to him. I think Yoda's sort of cute, like E.T. I thought about maybe making a promise to you that I would introduce my sons to it, but I don't even really want to do that.

Dear Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee (Playwrights of
Inherit the Wind
):

Hey readers, you really should read this play. It's only like 110 pages; it would take you a little over an hour to read it. It's very clever, witty, and rather interestingly educational. I say, "give it a go." Mr. Lee, my students think you were in the Civil War. They don't understand that you were in a different century. History isn't their strength. I was impressed though that you were from Ohio. Go Bucks! Michigan still sucks. (Always a good time to remind people that the "team up North" blows donkeys.)

Dear Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel (Creators of
Superman
)

Nice work, there is nothing better than the geeky boy-gone-super stud. Am I right, readers? Give me some of that! Also, the first penis I ever saw was in the
Superman
movie I saw as a kid. It was on a baby! Strange that I remember that. It wasn't long after that I saw another penis on
Porky's
. Remember, my parents were whackos.

Dear Yellow Pages:

How do you still exist? Does anyone even need phone books any longer? I wouldn't think so. My newest phone book is still in my newspaper box; it's truthfully been there for over a month. I'm not brining it in. It's too big; I have nowhere to put that shit. Plus, you should be put out to pasture; you've probably destroyed millions of forests in your creation. Additionally, your pages are way too thin; it's impossible to effectively turn the pages.

Dear David Mickey Evans (Writer of
The Sandlot
)

Holy Fuck, Benny "the Jet" Rodriquez was hot. I Googled him, and he is still pretty hot. My kids love your movie. Anything baseball and I am guaranteed 90 minutes of peace and quiet. Thank you Mr. Evans.

Dear Roseanne Barr and Matt Williams (Creators of
Roseanne
):

I wanted to be Darlene. She was the best character. I loved how she belittled Becky. I'd say that Darlene was and probably still is one of my all-time favorite characters. She cracked my shit up. And Roseanne, that last episode, the finale, superb. Actually, right now, just thinking about it, I could cry. It was so good. Thank you.

Dear Spark Notes:

What's your deal? Why do you have to be so long? I'm just trying to get some kids to pass tests here. Help out a little, would ya? I can't do this all by myself for fuck's sake.

Dear John Hughes (Genius writer of
The Breakfast Club
and
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
):

John Hughes = Screenplay Perfection (Per-fuck-tion)

There is no more to say about that. We miss your movies, your wit, and your overall existence. You made movies enjoyable, worthy of a night out. Thank you for being a part of my childhood and adolescence.

Dear Daniel Waters (Writer of
Heathers
):

Heathers
was the first movie that I remember "getting," meaning I understood the message without having to ask someone. It made me feel smart. Oh, and guess what? Shannen Doherty was in it. Now, that's what I'm talking about. But seriously, what happened to Christian Slater? He was so hot with his sexy, raspy voice.

Dear Robertson Family (stars of
Duck Dynasty
):

I've tried. I have really tried. My husband adores you, worships you. I just don't get it. I'm sorry. We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I'm just not feeling ya. I wish you the best; you obviously don't need it. You've got the Midas touch. Congratulations.

Dear Jack Dorsey (Creator of Twitter):

I'm getting better at you. People still don't follow me. I guess I'm not going anywhere all that exciting. My tweets are never "favorited" or "retweeted." I lose followers all the time. If Twitter were high school, then I'd be the geek in the corner, reading a book. Hell yeah! Love readers.

Chad Hurley, Jawed Kim, and Steve Chen (Founders of YouTube):

My God, you three certainly have the market on how to entertain teenagers. Now, if you can turn your creation into well-thought out academic lesson plans, then we would be in business. My students are constantly on YouTube, asking me if I've seen such and such video. I marvel at your ability to engage and interest the adolescents of this world; Lord knows, I can't. Nice work, young gentlemen.

Now readers, if you got this far, then you must give a few cruds about my opinion. You have to YouTube "Epic Hurdle Fails." My students had me crying; I was laughing so hard. I also like "Little Girl Plays with Dead Squirrel." They are both hysterical. Granted, I think they are the only two videos I've ever watched, but give them a shot. Giggle a bit; make yourself smile today.

Dear Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock (Initial members of the group Air Supply)

I would never have gotten through my 6
th
grade breakup if it weren't for you. I listened to your greatest hits album over and over again until I was drained of all my tears. When Sirius Satellite Radio plays one of your songs on its Love station, I'm in all my glory. You just get me.

Richard Simmons:

You crack my shit up. I'm serious. Whenever you're on Howard Stern, I'm rolling. I was so excited to see you on
General Hospital
again this year for the Nurses' Ball, battling it out with Lucy Coe, yet again. It made my day. I even cried a little bit. You're a pretty cool dude.

Mr. Big (Writer of "To Be With You")

It's such a good song. What happened to you? I say, "Make that almighty comeback." I'll be the president of your fan club.

Dear Harold Butler (Founder of Denny's restaurants):

Well, I'm sitting at Denny's right now, writing my little heart out. Your "Moons Over My Hammy" is a sublime breakfast sandwich. It just melts in your mouth. My best friend and I used to frequent your establishment every time one of us was down, to just sit for hours and talk it out. Many of our breakups and heartache were sorted out within the walls of your restaurant. Denny's is our house of therapy and recovery.

Dear Victoria Beckham "Posh Spice," Melanie Brown "Scary Spice," Emma Bunton "Baby Spice," Melanie Chisholm "Sporty Spice," and Gerri Halliwell "Ginger Spice" (The members of TheSpice Girls):

Picture it: 1997 Cleveland, Ohio, center court of a Cavs game, and Deena Bright gets hypnotized during halftime. I was in the middle of the floor, alone, telling everyone "What I want, what I really really want." Then I was a jackhammer, and vibrated and jumped all over the court. Good times.

Dear Coca~Cola (Owners of the Fuze beverage):

When I was pregnant, I searched high and low for something to drink, something that tasted good, but wasn't loaded with caffeine and other fetus-fucking-up poisons. Finally, I found the Fuze. Thank you so much for that little slice of Heaven, when alcohol, Diet Coke, caffeine, and Sweet-n-Low were completely out of the question. One can only tolerate water for so long. Well, I guess water's pretty good for you, and you can tolerate it a great deal. But, who the Hell wants to drink water when everyone is slurping down Smirnoff Ice or margaritas?

Dear C.S. Lewis (Author of the
Narnia
series):

Your vivid descriptions make the scenes come to life, giving the reader an ample amount of visual imagery. You're an incredible writer and should be praised and honored for your work. You already have been? Not by me! So, here it is: You are superb. Be proud of you work.

Dear David Crane and Marta Kauffman (Creators of the television show
Friends
):

I will stop what I'm doing, sit down, and just kick it every time I stumble upon a
Friends
repeat on TBS. It is such a great show; the characterization is remarkable. I still enjoy it so much—even though I've seen every episode numerous times.

Everyone has a favorite episode. Here's mine:

I love love loved the episode when they are all trying to figure out who seduced whom when Ross got Rachel pregnant, and Rachel swore over and over again that Ross seduced her. I loved that Ross had it on tape, and she told the "sure thing story." It was hysterical. I was never a big Rachel fan, so I liked that she looked like a dumbass. One time, on Howard Stern, she (Jennifer Anniston) was rude to Stuttering John and wouldn't answer his questions. I stopped liking her then. By "not liking her," I mean, I just told people I didn't like her. I still watched every episode of
Friends,
and I still see every movie she's ever filmed. Man, I loved
The Break Up
; I cried through that entire movie, starting with when he didn't pick up the lemons.

Dear Jeremy Leven (Writer of
Don Juan DeMarco
):

Fucking loved your movie! I loved the theme and plot, but what put me over the top was how delicious Johnny Depp was throughout the entire movie. Depp fans, if you have not seen this movie, then you've certainly missed THE movie he is the sexiest in. Get it now! Now! Stop reading and go get it.

Dear David Hertz (Writer of the movie,
American Pie
)

Loved all the American Pie movies. They crack me up. I'm a big fan of high school, stupid comedies. They give me great joy and laughter. Every year during
Romeo and Juliet
, I have to teach the term, foil. Foils are two characters with opposing personalities, not enemies, but with different types of characterization. Mercutio is Romeo's foil. Romeo takes love seriously, while Mercutio does not. I use Stifler and Finch as examples of foils. Luckily, the CLEAN versions are on television a lot, so my freshmen have seen it. Thank you for being something I can use in my classroom, even if it is just a reference.

Dear Nicholas Sparks (Writer of
The Notebook
and every other romance novel that leaves the reader in a giant puddle of heart-breaking tears):

My favorite book of all time is
Beach Music
, by Pat Conroy. (Readers, you should totally read that shit up.) I love that book. It's wonderful. Anyway, after I read it, no other books could compare. For the first time ever in my life, I experienced READER'S BLOCK. I couldn't get into anything else. Then, my friend said, "You should read
The Notebook
." Oh thank you, Mr. Sparks for curing my reader's block. It was the worst thing ever. Your books wreck me, but I love being wrecked. Thank you.

I would like to add something though, since I'm being honest. Now, I loved
The Notebook
; I truly did. But when I start analyzing it, I get a little mad at myself for liking it. I don't like to condone cheating; it totally pisses me off. Ali was cheating on her fiancé when she was hooking up with Noah. We can't forget that.

Dear Larry Page and Sergey Brin (Founders of Google):

I want to start by saying that I'm not that old. However, I seriously cannot remember a time when you weren't around. Maybe, it's because I don't want to remember a time when you weren't around. My world is a better, easier, more wonderful place, because you created Google. I'm not sure where I'd be without you. I'm serious. I certainly know that this particular "Accolades" section of my book wouldn't exist. How in the world would I know any of this stuff? I wouldn't, and I most definitely wouldn't look any of this crap up if it weren't so fucking easy. So yeah, thanks for making the lazy not seem so lazy. You rock! And another thing, I love when you change the letters of the word, Google, on the sign in page. So clever. But I do NOT like when I have to click something to make the Google sign show up or move.