The Final Lesson Plan (33 page)

Boys and girls, "Class Dismissed."

In
Schooled
, I added an "Accolades Page" on a whim, just for my own enjoyment. Strangely enough, my accolades received the highest praise—higher than the actual novel to be honest. Who knew that anyone in the world cared about my thoughts on topics? I should've been a late night talk show host. Damn, I missed my calling. Nah, in all reality, it was quite shocking that people actually read them. I cannot bribe, pay, coerce, or tie up and force my husband or kids to listen to me ramble on about my thoughts or feelings, unless it's Mothers' Day or my birthday. And my students, forget about it.

Well, BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND...
The Final Lesson Plan's
pop culture accolades and recognition.

In order of appearance:

Dear William Styron (writer of the novel
Sophie's Choice
that later become a movie):

I never read your book, but I did see the movie,
Sophie's Choice
. It was very sad; I can still vividly remember the part when Meryl Streep must choose which of her children to send to the gas chamber. She chose the baby, thinking that the baby wouldn't know what was happening. Well fuck that. That blows. Nobody should have to make that choice. Poor Sophie.

Now this particular accolade is not going to be centered around the movie or the book. It's about the fact that I actually saw
Sophie's Choice
. Ladies and gentlemen (do any men read my books?),
Sophie's Choice
came out in 1982. I was nine years old. My parents were cracked. Neither my mom, nor my dad cared about what movies I saw when I was a child. They forced me to go see movies with them every Sunday afternoon. For my older readers, I'm going to give you a list of movies that I saw before I was ten years old. You'll never believe it. (Maybe this is the exact reason I'm so explicitly deviant.) Ready?
Looking for Mr. Goodbar
,
Amityville Horror
,
When a Stranger Calls
,
Rollercoaster
,
Coma
,
Taps
,
Porky's
,
Vice Squad
, and
Saturday Night Fever
. What in God's name were my parents thinking? Were they thinking? Were they on crack? I spent the majority of my nights terrified of the things I saw in those movies. Additionally, I had no idea what "Lassie" was barking about in
Porky's
. Now, I find it pretty funny! I will give my parents the credit for at least covering my eyes in certain parts of those movies. You will all be happy to know that my sons have not been afforded the same privilege or curse that I'd been granted. They have only viewed one rated R movie,
Bad News Bears
.

So yes, Mr. Styron, I did see the movie. I cannot say that I enjoyed it. Again, I was probably pissed off that I wasn't at home watching the
Smurfs
or
Captain Cave Man
. But here I am, 40-years-old, and I can still remember that scene. My parents really liked it. I think the movie won a bunch of awards, so nice job there!

Dear Icarus:

Dude, it was the sun. What the fuck were you thinking? You can't fly next to the sun. Aren't you supposed to be a God or some shit like that? Actually, you weren't a God, if we're getting technical. You were a mortal, son of Deadelus, a Grecian inventor. But who the Hell gives four fucks about that? Not me. Not my students. Nobody. Either way, get your act together. My three-year-old knows better than to touch fire.

Dear David Jacobs (Creator of
Dallas
):

I have no idea about anything with Dallas other than "Who shot Jr.?" However, it made my point in the book. I was too young to be into your show. My mom watched it like it was her job. Maybe it was her job. That and probably smoking crack. Anyway, I don't know who shot your Jr. character. Did he die? I'm going to look it up right now. You've got to love Google.

Okay, I'm back. Kristen Shepard shot Jr. She was supposedly carrying his illegitimate baby and was pissed that he didn't want her. I did discover some Dallas trivia on my quest for answers. The actors on the show didn't even know who shot Jr. The director filmed a scene with each person shooting Jr. and then at the last minute chose which one to use. Interesting, eh? I also learned that viewers had to wait eight months to find out. Man, you voracious readers would freak if you had to wait eight months for something. Let's see,
Schooled
was released on 10-11-12, and
The Final Lesson Plan: Schooled II
came out on 6-7-13—just four days shy of a full eight months. Phew!

Dear Marc Cherry and ABC Studios (Creator of
Desperate Housewives
):

Big fan. I have to admit. You made me actually like Sunday nights, which for most of my life, I have thought that Sunday nights were the Devil's spawn. Gabby and Carlos were hysterical. Their banter reminded me much of my husband and me. But alas, I've never hooked up with some young, hot landscaper, nor has my husband killed people for me. But, we're still a lot like them.

Dear American Media, Inc. (Owner of
National Enquirer
)

I can't say that I've ever bought or actually read an entire newspaper of yours, but I won't lie, I have skimmed a few articles while standing in the checkout at the grocery store, chomping on a candy bar that I may or may not have paid for. I am often intrigued enough to pick it up and take a few minutes to leaf through it. That has got to count for something, right?

Dear Mike Krieger and Kevin Systrom (Creators of Instagram):

You're all the rage with my students. I do not have an Instagram account. I mean, it's just pictures, right? However, you must be doing something right if high school kids think you're the shit. They hate everything—like seriously everything. Keep up the good work.

JK Rowling (Author of the
Harry Potter
masterpieces):

I love you; I miss my friends. So, I was thinking, if I miss them, you must really miss them. How about you give us the prequel? You know we want it. You know we'd kill for it. Hell, I'd do the Avada Kadevra spell for it. Please don't tell me that I'm a muggle and have no magical powers. I would stop liking you if you did. Let me live in my fictional world. It's so much better than my reality.

Dear Constance M. Burge and Aaron Spelling (Creators of
Charmed
):

Okay, maybe I have a thing for fictional, magical beings. Actually, let's be honest, I have a thing for the three original
Charmed
girls. They were funny, strong, kick-ass, and so supremely sexy. What wasn't to like? However, I did notice that not many people in my age bracket were tuning into the WB, then the CW, and finally TNT to watch
Charmed
. Sometimes, I think I connect so well with high school kids, because I have yet to mature out of adolescence.

Okay peeps, here' s a secret, never before been revealed, "Leo" on
Charmed
was the inspiration for my Leo—just the character—not his looks. We all know that my Leo visual is Chace Crawford. And if we're revealing all, I pictured Holly Marie Combs (Piper) as Janelle too. There you have it, an inside exclusive.

I'd also like to say that I'm a huge Alyssa Milano and Shannen Doherty fan. When I was in middle school, I used to take pictures of Alyssa Milano with me to the hair salon in hopes that they'd make me look like her. (Now, this was AFTER Samantha Micelli got the makeover from Angela and Mona before her big dance with Chad McCann.) I still take her pictures with me to the stylist. My stylist looks at the picture and usually hands me a Jenny Craig coupon. Ah well, got to start somewhere.

And Shannen Doherty, love her. I loved her on
Little House on the Prairie
too. Tabloids and magazines always report that she's a total bitch. I'm not buying it. She's just misunderstood. Shannen, I have openings for new best friend, if you're interested. Email me:
[email protected]
. Oh my God, what would I do if either of them ever read this book? I guess it'd be kind of cool to have a celebrity nail you with a restraining order.

Dear Turner Broadcasting System (Ted Turner/TNT):

What the Hell happened to the 2-hour morning block of
Charmed
and the 2-hour evening block of
Charmed
? I thought you and I had something here? What are you trying to do to me? How can I survive without Alyssa and Shannen? You're killing me.

Dear Kari Lizer (Writer of
The New Adventures of Old Christine
):

I want to start by saying that I deeply, deeply apologize. I didn't watch your show when it was on, and now, I hate myself for it. One summer day, I was lounging on the couch, had probably bribed my kids with cookies or some shit to just leave me alone for a while, when I stumbled upon your show on Lifetime. Oh my God, it truly is the funniest goddamn show ever. Matthew's character was incredible. (I was so happy to see that dude who played him got a part in the new movie,
42
.)

I did question why everyone acted like the "new" Christine was so hot. She wasn't all that. But, Wanda Sykes and the two bitchy blonde chicks stole the show. My God, they were frigging hysterical. I began to actually tape it every day and couldn't wait to get home from work to watch it. My sons used to get so excited when I watched it, because I would laugh so hard. I guess they figured if I was laughing, then I couldn't bitch at them or make them do chores around the house.

Dear A&E Networks and Disney (Owners of Lifetime):

Disney? Seriously? How much freaking money can that whole corporation be worth? I just made a monumental decision as a mother that will impact the rest of my life, as well as my children's lives. We will not stop until at least one of my children has married someone with the last name of "Disney." That is my newfound personal goal.

Additionally, I am a big fan of the Lifetime network. Once you've crossed over to loving Lifetime, then you know you are a fully-grown and mature woman with a few kids and a boring, mundane life. It's true. Lifetime helps keep me sane in a world where psychosis is pretty common.

Dear Les Wexner (Owner of Victoria's Secret, The Limited, and pretty much all of Columbus):

I think your models are looking too young. It's kind of creepy. Or, maybe, I'm just getting too old. But, I do like what you've done for my boobs. Normally, they'd just hang out, resting on my thighs, but thanks to you, I've "got rack." I appreciate that.

I'd also like to take a moment and apologize. One night after a very fun night at the OSU bars (back when they had on-campus bars), I peed on your memorial wall thing at the Wexner Center. I'm sorry about that. I lived all the way over in Morrill Tower; we'd been out at Park Alley. I certainly couldn't make it all the way back to my dorms. Forgive me?

Dear Sheryl Leach (Creator of
Barney
):