Read The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design (5 page)
Figure 2:
Final population.
Results
Figure 1 shows a randomly collected sample from the native environment in which several
Penne rigate
are inserted into
Rigatoni
. The sample
pasta
are suspended on the flat lignin paddle. Three
Rigatoni
(60 percent) contain
Penne rigate
inserts. Note that a portion of the environment can be observed
on the right side of the image as a white froth containing gas-enclosed sphericals. It is impossible to observe the
pasta
through this froth without disturbing the environment. There is some evidence for ordered patterning of the environment in which the
pasta
are oriented vertically, but this was destroyed by stirring. Note that the H
2
O depth is substantially the same as the length of the two species of
pasta
.
Figure 3:
Components of
Noodleous doubleous
. From left to right: dry
P. rigate
; dry
Rigatoni
;
P. rigate
sampled at eighteen minutes; example
Rigatoni
sampled at eighteen minutes; example
P. rigate
inserted into
Rigatoni
to create
N. doubleous
sampled at eighteen minutes.
Figure 2 shows the final population, in which 4
N. doubleous
are visible. Conditions were no longer authentic
al dente
at the end of the experiment, and the violence of the trawling capture probably disturbed the neophytes. This could account for the reduced
number of observed
N. doubleous
compared to the rapid sampling shown in Figure 1.
Figure 4:
Dissection of
Noodleous doubleous
.
As shown in Figure 3, boiled
P. rigate
(length ~5.0 cm, outer diameter 1.0 cm) can just barely fit inside boiled
Rigatoni
(length ~5.3 cm, inner diameter 1.3 cm) with a clearance of perhaps 0.15 cm. Under the turbulent thermal conditions, sliding one
pasta
tube into the other should be strongly disfavored.
Figure 5:
N. doubleous
observed in heat-source-detached environment. Note three bubble plumes emerging from the dorsal end of
Rigatoni
tubes.
To examine the internal organs, an
N. doubleous
was dissected (Figure 4). We note that the two subspecies fit together closely.
The tissue of
P. rigate
is notably lighter than that of
Rigatoni
. Also evident was the smooth interior wall of
Rigatoni
.
To confirm the results, the experiment was repeated. In an attempt to observe native conditions, the environment was gently removed from the heat source without stirring. Although this allowed cooling, it is likely that the configuration of the
pasta
is similar to its configuration in the native frothy environment. Figure 5 documents two related phenomena. First,
Rigatoni
are frequently oriented vertically while many
P. rigate
are frequently oriented horizontally or at forty-five degrees to the vertical. Second, bubble plumes emerge from the dorsal end of
Rigatoni
tubes.
A calculation was performed to determine the probability of the observed insertion events (Table 1).
Table 1: IDIOTS** calculation | |||
| | Rigatoni | | 5.3 |
| | Rigatoni | | 1.7 |
| | Rigatoni | | 28.3 |
| | Rigatoni | | 4.5 |
| | Rigatoni | | 32.8 |
| | Inner diameter of | | 1.3 |
| | The tip of | | 1.571 |
| | Probability of one insertion during a random encounter is the target area divided by the | | 4.78 × 10 |
| | Fraction of observed insertions (Figure 1) | | 0.6 |
| | Number of available | | 40 |
| | Estimated total number of insertions (40 × 0.6) | | 24 |
| | Probability of all these insertions by random encounter | | 2.05 × 10 |
** This calculation was performed according to standard Intelligent Design (IDiotic) methods. It was performed using the calc program with an input file “idiotic.calc.” |
Discussion
This paper reports an observation of spontanoodlus generation in which
Penne rigate
inserts within
Rigatoni
to create a new species dubbed
Noodleous doubleous
.
The Vertical Flow Hypothesis proposes that
Rigatoni
become vertically oriented in the convective flow of phase transitioning liquid H
2
O, thereby increasing the heat dissipation rate.
This proposal is supported by the observation of bubble plumes on the dorsal side of
Rigatoni
(Figure 5). It is feasible that horizontally oriented
P. rigate
situated close to the bottom of the environment are drawn upward into the ventral side of
Rigatoni
. The
P. rigate
are not ejected from the
Rigatoni
because the dorsal end of the
Rigatoni
is close to the liquid surface and the process does not have sufficient energy to lift the
P. rigate
into the environmental froth. The
P. rigate
would therefore be caught inside the
Rigatoni
.
However, the probability of insertion events as proposed by the Vertical Flow Hypothesis is calculated to be extremely low (Table 1).
Conclusion
We conclude that the process was guided by some form of external intelligence. The experimenter did not perform this scalding task.
The high-temperature liquid was undergoing a rapid phase transition and liquid dihydrogen monoxide is extremely dangerous. Microscopic and macroscopic life forms were not observed in these extreme sterilizing conditions. Only an invisible macroscopic life form could have guided the rapid generation of the
Noodleous doubleous
.
We therefore conclude that this supernatural insertion process was done by the Hand of God.
A second viable hypothesis is that a divine Noodly Appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was responsible for the effect. These results are therefore strong empirical support for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
Although it is considered unethical to destroy incipient life-forms, thereby causing them to go extinct, the experimenter was hungry, so he ate them anyway.
References, complete experimental conditions, further reading:
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/noodles.html
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster:
www.DarwinAwards.html/book/spaghetti.html
Essay on Intelligent Design by Jason Stevens:
www.DarwinAwards.com/book/jason.html
C
LEANING THE
G
ENE
P
OOL
The Darwin Awards that follow show that Nature is still improving on the human design. But they also illustrate the creativity that distinguishes us from less adaptable species. The same innovative spirit that causes the downfall of the Darwin Award winner is also responsible for the social and scientific advances that make the human race great.
Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheelchair, and one mountain bike—wheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits. But to begin, an essay on human evolution….
ISCUSSION
: AIDS, B
UBONIC
P
LAGUE
,
AND
H
UMAN
E
VOLUTION