The Beginning of Never (The Never Trilogy #1) (23 page)

I thought to the last time I had seen her and
remembered that it had been last week- on the first day of rehearsals. She had
been outside with the rest of her housemates, and the sight of her had made me
share my suspicion with Elisa that she had read my journal. I didn’t know how
to feel about all this, but I sincerely hoped that she was okay wherever she
was.

Elisa straightened and forced a smile onto her face. I
could tell that she was trying to be positive.

“This is not a big deal,” she said in a voice low
enough for just me to hear. “They’ll find her. I mean she’s bound to show up
soon. Where could she have gone?”

And so the festival continued throughout the rest of
the day. There was still a considerable amount of cheer and excitement because
only a few people were aware of Kate’s disappearance, but by late evening, it
was the talk of the school.

Elisa left with Matthew for dinner but I had to find
Nathan to keep my promise. I had only seen him a few times during the day as he
worked with his housemaster to conclude the rest of the presentations. I left
the hall to our rehearsal court to see only a few people remaining. They were
gathering their belongings to head to the dining hall.

I scanned the room several times but I couldn’t find
him, so I was about to leave when I saw him coming from the locker room with a
backpack slung over his shoulder. I stood long enough for him to see me, and
when I was sure he had, I walked up to the back of the east pew and sat down to
wait.

It was already very dark outside and since only a few
lights were on in the court, the area I sat in was dim enough to make it hard
for anyone at the bottom to make out our faces. He stopped for a few seconds to
talk to some people just before they took their leave, and then headed up to
me.

I struggled to find the right position to wait for him
in but after twice dropping my legs from the bench in front of me, and
straightening my back from my attempts to lean against the wall and seem
relaxed, I finally just stood up when he reached me.

He grinned and my heart swelled with excitement. I hid
my trembling hands behind my back.

“Hi,” he said and to my complete surprise, he pulled me
into his arms for a deep hug. Releasing my arms from behind my back, I wrapped
them around his waist and savored the sweet warmth that came with him.

“How was your day?” he whispered.

“It was okay. I expect yours was something else huh?”

He leaned away from me to look into my eyes and smiled.
“You have no idea.”

We took our seats and he brought out a bottle of water
from the side of the bag. He offered it to me first and although I wasn’t
thirsty, I accepted it and took a small sip. He watched me drink from it and
then raised it to his own mouth when I handed it back to him. He drank much
more than I did, and it made me realize how exhausted he was.

“Let’s go for dinner,” I said.

He shook his head. “Let’s stay here for a while,” he
said. “I need a break from all the noise.”

He combed his fingers through his messy hair and turned
to catch me watching him intently.

“Were you okay today?” he asked.

“Everything was fine, but there was the issue with
Kate– I’m sure you’ve heard.”

An extra layer of exhaustion appeared on his face as I
mentioned it. “I have,” he said.

“Do you think she’ll show up?”

He pondered the question for a bit and then turned to
me. “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t think she’d have missed her presentation
without informing anyone beforehand if there wasn’t something wrong.”

“I’m sure she’ll turn up soon, and be okay,” I said,
not willing to consider any other possibility. I tried not to imagine it but I
kept on picturing her body on the ground, lifeless, and her brown hair spread
out around her head. I shuddered. With a hand on the side of my chin, Nathan
gently turned my face to him. “She’ll show up soon,” he assured me. “And she’ll
be okay.”

I desperately hoped so too. Just then, I remembered as
I stared into his eyes, that I’d ignored his birthday during the midterms.

“Happy birthday in arrears by the way,” I said, and a full
smile spread across his lips. It was infectious.

“You’re late.”

“Well, you didn’t deserve a happy birthday from me at
the time.”

“I know,” he said. “Thank you anyway.”

“Maybe next time I’ll do better, if you’re still not an
ass by then.”

I didn’t say next year because I had no idea where we
were going, or how long our newfound truce would last. Everything seemed more
or less to be balanced on a thread, where in the next moment it could all tip
over and come crashing down. I didn’t want to think about any of it so I took a
deep breath, and lowered my head to his shoulder. I chose to just appreciate
the moment, and hope with all of my heart that Kate would be found soon.

“We’ll see.” He said, and lifted his hand to pat the
side of my head.

*

Nathan and I spent a few more
minutes in the court as he told me about the competitions, and how far the
house had gone. Nothing had been officially announced but by the scores he’d
received so far, we were in second place, right behind
Grizedale
and just before
Cartmel
. The house had still managed
to make third place despite Kate’s disappearance.
Bowland
and Lonsdale followed respectively after.

We left the court after that with his hand holding mine
in the dark, as we walked towards the dining hall. He let go when we reached
it, and we headed to his usual table. There was too much excitement about Kate
for anyone to notice us and for us to be bothered even if anyone did, so we
just ate quietly with Elisa, Matthew and James.

I got to my room almost an hour later, to find it
crowded with Olivia’s friends as they threw their opinions around about the
million and one things that could have happened to Kate. At first, I was
irritated at the noise but when updates on her parents being contacted and also
not having any ideas to her whereabouts were shared, I found myself listening
intently.

A girl named Holly had thus far been the last to see
her. The different houses had been setting up in the auditorium when the news
had come to Olivia that her sister had been knocked out. Holly and Kate had
been one of the curious people to hurry up to the clinic to confirm the news,
but according to her that had been where she’d lost her. One minute she’d been
by her side and the next she hadn’t. Everyone was baffled.

When I didn’t want to hear anymore, I
laid
on my bed and plugged in my earphones to listen to
Lorde’s
bravado. Pretty soon, the room thinned and then
emptied out. I turned on my side and whispered a small prayer for Kate. I
prayed that she’d be found, and soon, before any real damage could come to her.

*

The darkness was the scariest part, because in it, she felt like she’d
already gone mad. And then the morning brought with
itself
a cruel sort of hope, that maybe, just maybe all was not lost. But in the
depths of her heart she knew- she was absolutely sure that no one would and
could ever find her. All except the people that she’d followed here, and she
was sure that even if they came back, they’d never know that she was here. Not
in this huge, deep abyss … nothing could find her here.

She was
exhausted; oh, how dead she felt. She wished it would all end soon because
another night of the torment she would never be able to endure. The hunger and
thirst was nothing, but the fear was everything.

It would build
with such rapid ferocity and passion that it would almost be as if something
was consuming her, and then she would feel every part of her body freeze, as if
she was paralyzed. And yes she was. She was completely paralyzed with fear, and
she now knew with a bitter humor that the phrase “to be paralyzed with fear”
that she'd heard countless times throughout her years, could and had become an
utter reality.

She somehow
managed to turn so that she could lie on her back. She was way past regret
now,
and only sought to find what little comfort that she
could before the darkness completely took over again. Something had shielded
the sky before because now, the stars were out and they shone. She had never
realized it before now but they really shone, brightly enough to light anyone’s
way if they appreciated it enough. But for her there was no way. She’d gone
round and round and round … and found no escape. She was completely and utterly
lost and the deafening cry of crickets seemed to mock her.

They were so
loud, but it was preferable to the rustles she heard every now and then. The
strange sounds that seemed so close to her but never produced a face no matter
how long she waited- still, and with a stick in hand, ready to at least
struggle. There was no doubt that she’d fail, but still, she wanted to at least
have tried.

Something clicked
inside of her that reminded her that she was still alive, and instantly, she
felt the cold. It seeped in from the ground and through her back to fill her
chest. From there, it would spread through her entire body until the painful
numbness, completely overcame her. Her eyes began to close as she listened to
the sounds … the sounds of despair; the sounds of the end.

I shot up from my bed with a
loud gasp, and held my chest to calm my racing heart. It was pounding
violently, and not until I took deep calming breaths was I able to realize
where I was, and remember what I’d seen in my dream.

Morning couldn’t come quickly enough for me so as soon
as it was bright enough for me to
leave,
I headed towards
the gym knowing that Nathan would already be there. I tried calming myself down
enough to think, just so that I could consider this more thoroughly because I
was probably wrong. It didn’t work.

I ran the rest of the way and then stopped at the door to
catch my breath. The few people that stood closest to Nathan turned, but he
didn’t see me. He was seated and going through a folder of notes. He looked up
when he heard my pounding footsteps and I saw his eyes widen in alarm as he
took in my urgency. He got up before I had even reached him, and caught me as I
all but slammed into him.

“Kate,” I whispered with what little breath I could
gather. I swallowed. “Kate,” I repeated. “She’s in the forest.”

His eyes slowly narrowed.

“I don’t think you locked the door behind you when we
went in after Olivia’s accident,” I said, and instantly, his eyes widened in
understanding. He immediately turned to go, but I held his shirt.

“I’ll come with you,” I pleaded, but he shook his head.

“Stay here.” he ordered, and he forced me to the bench.
I stood up almost immediately but he was already out of the auditorium before I
could tell him to be careful.

*

It felt like forever but by
mid-afternoon, the buzz was alive and word was out that Kate had been found. As
soon as I heard, I shot to my feet but Elisa pulled me back down.

“I think you should wait.” she said and I returned to
chewing my nails. The court immediately emptied and for the next hour, I fought
against the silence and the torment to leave the court, but I knew that I
shouldn’t and so did Elisa.

Elisa had arrived soon after Nathan left to see me
distraught with worry and fear. After I’d managed to calm down enough to tell
her about the forest and Kate’s disappearance, she’d patiently waited with me.

“But how did she know about it?” she’d asked, and by
then I’d had more than enough time to put the pieces together.

“She read it from my journal.” I said, and that stunned
her even more.

Nathan walked in exactly four hours and fifteen minutes
after he’d first left, to see Elisa and me sitting together, waiting at the
back of the court. There was too much excitement about Kate’s return so not
many people were inside, but the ones that remained turned to watch Nathan as
he made his way toward us.

I stood up as he approached, but when he reached me, he
held my hand and gently pulled me back down to my seat.

“How’s Kate?” I asked, and noticed that he’d changed
from the clothes that he’d had on in the morning.

“She followed us that evening since I didn’t lock the
door,” he calmly explained, with his eyes resting somewhere above my shoulders.
“But she got lost and couldn’t find her way back. Even if she had she wouldn’t
have been able to get help because by then the door was locked again.”

His eyes met mine. “How did you know?” he asked.

“I had a dream about it,” I answered, my voice
trembling. “She was lying limp on the ground, and then I saw bushes and plants
around her… and I heard the stream.”

“Will she be alright?” Elisa asked, breaking the tension
that was so heavy in the air.

“She was unconscious when I found her, but the doctor
examined her and said that she would be okay. She also didn’t appear to have
broken any bones, so now we’ll just have to wait and see.” Nathan said.

And that was exactly what we all did.

*

The next few days passed by in
a haze, with people talking non-stop about the incident and at the same time
intensifying preparations for the festival on Saturday. I hadn’t been able to
see Kate since she wasn’t allowed visitors while she was recovering, but our
house parents had eased our fears the previous evening at dinner, with the news
that she had woken up and was getting better.

The festival was more than enough to thoroughly occupy
everyone’s minds, but people were still questioning how Kate had managed to get
lost in a forest that had been inaccessible to everyone for more than five
decades. The rumor was that since Nathan had been the one to find her, he had
also been the one to have initially discovered it, but how that knowledge had
been passed to Kate when there was no apparent relationship between the both of
them had been the major issue.

Of course the authorities had probably discovered the
answers- at least to an extent since no one had yet mentioned a journal or the
owner – but we were only given the bare bones of the incident, and informed
that Kate was doing well.

Nathan had been removed from his position as the
interim head of the
Pendle
house, and since the
afternoon of Kate’s return, there had been no sign of him. James had told me
that he was in his room and awaiting instructions from the school, because of
course someone would have to be held responsible for the entire mess.

When I heard that Kate’s parents would be taking her
home to get better medical attention, I headed over to the infirmary to try to
see her before she left. I expected to have to grovel my way through to be able
to see her, but was completely surprised when the nurse immediately let me in
as soon as I told her that my name was Lenora.

Kate was on the bed that I’d been on weeks ago. She was
dressed in a blue clinic gown and was on her side; her hands hanging limply
towards the floor and her brown eyes, behind a pale looking face. She watched
me as I approached.

I drew a chair up so that I could sit beside the bed,
and was surprised when she rolled onto her back and despite the difficulty,
lifted herself up to lean against the wall.

“Hi,” I said and though she held my gaze, it took her a
few more seconds to say anything.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and the apology confused me.

“What?” I said, not quite certain I’d heard her right.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I shouldn’t have gone after
you guys.”

“Kate, there’s no need to apologize,”

“There is,” she said slowly. “And I’m not sure what’ll happen,
but Nathan removed your name from everything. He told me not to even mention
the journal so the authorities think that he stole the key. But they’re not
sure how and from where since they don’t even remember where they’d kept it in
the first place.”

“How much trouble is he in?”

“I’m not sure,” she said. “But I don’t think it’ll be
too bad- the headmaster seems pretty calm about all this.”

“I don’t think he is,” I said. “He’s probably just
trying to be patient until the festival ends.”

“Well, we’ll have to wait and see.”

“Yes we do,” I said, and I gave her hand a gentle
squeeze. “How are you?”

She managed a small smile. “Better, my parents will be
here tomorrow.”

*

I left the clinic even more
depressed than I’d been when I’d gone in, and that was saying something.

Everything seemed to be in shambles, and I felt as if I
was barely hanging on by a thread. Kate was okay, and for that I was grateful,
but with Nathan keeping his distance from everyone, and the Headmaster still
silent on how this would all end, I was very worried that the worst had still
not come.

As I headed down the corridor to return to our
rehearsal court, I found myself wishing that I could just collapse and remain
unconscious for a while so that everything could pass by without my being a
witness to any of it. Then I would wake up content and relieved, because
everything would be back to normal.

Instead, I got a better wish. I turned the corner, and
was startled to see Nathan walking down the stairs and away from the infirmary.
My heart jumped.

“Nathan!” I called out, and sped up so that I could
catch up with him. He immediately turned around.

Our gazes met for a moment but for the first time,
there was no warmth in his. I stopped at the top of the stairs, and when I saw
that he wasn’t going to make any effort to speak to me or walk towards me, I
took a step forward. But again, something in his gaze stopped me.

“Are you alright?” I asked, but he didn’t respond.

“I’m just back from seeing Kate, and she’s told me
everything. Please tell them about the journal.”

“Lenora,” he said. “There is nothing to tell.”

“But there is,” I argued. “I can’t let you just take
the blame for everything.”

“There is no blame for anything,” he said. “Everyone
made mistakes- let it go.”

I hated the way he sounded. “Nathan ...” I said, and
took a step towards him, but there was a look in his eyes that didn’t encourage
me to come any further.

“Nora ...” he said. “Let it go.” And he turned to
leave.

I watched him walk away, and was stunned because I’d
thought that he would come to me. That he would have been happy to see me just
as I was to see him.

There were a million and one
things
that I could have concluded in my mind was the reason for his distance, but I
wasn’t even sure which to settle on.

I remained there for a long time after he’d left, just
watching the spot he’d stood on, and foolishly hoping -somewhere at the back of
my mind- that he would come back and speak to me.

Finally, I just let out a deep, long, shaky breath. I
turned around, and returned to the auditorium.

*

When I arrived at the
auditorium, I found Elisa very invested in the preparations for the next day. I
stood in one of the four entrances and looked around the massive room.

Everyone was busy and hard at work. Tables and chairs were
being moved from one end to another, while different groups from various houses
were clustered in different areas and discussing their preparations for the
next day.

Elisa was by the corner of the stage, where a leafless
tree with very crooked branches stood, and was assisting in the hanging up of
various sizes of glittering glass balls. I wanted to go over to help her so
that I could at least take my mind off Nathan, but as I was heading down the
aisle, I changed my mind and slid into one of the middle rows to take a seat.

The auditorium was dark so it hid my presence enough to
convince me that I was by myself, and that was just what I needed.

My mind immediately went back to how Nathan had just
acted with me. The distance I felt from him reminded me of when I’d first met
him, and the difficulty and lack of understanding that had been so colossal
between us. I’d never imagined that we could go past that nor did I even think
I’d have wanted to, but his care amidst his initial and infuriating arrogance had
found a way to soften me to him.

It was the same care that he’d exhibited through the
last few months of knowing him, and now, in ensuring that I was completely
sheltered from this entire mess with Kate. That selflessness of putting me
before him in so many ways was part of the reason why I had completely let him
into my heart. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that’d he’d remain there forever,
but for the first time in so long, I didn’t mind if he did. In fact, I wasn’t
sure how I’d fare if he didn’t and it pleased me that apart from
Carlie
and my mom, that someone else had won a spot there.

I was still yet to find the answer to so many
questions, like what had made him continue to help me in the first place, or
what had pushed him so much that my welfare practically became his
responsibility. There was so much I now wanted to say, so much that I should
have said.

I sighed and turned to look at Elisa again. She was now
crouched on the floor and sorting through a pile of sparkling shapes that were
laid out like jewels on the wooden stage.

I decided I’d tell him as soon as I saw him again. I
wanted to explain to him how much he had come to mean to me… and to insist that
he allowed me in on this battle so that we could fight it together. He
shouldn’t be facing this alone as he had all the other times because yet again,
I was the major cause of it all.

So I was going to insist that I took the responsibility
or at least some of it and even though I knew he’d still refuse. I was going to
try and ensure that he did not bear the consequences of this entire disaster on
his own.

*

Later that day, I was in the
studio watching the final fitting of the clothes being done on the models, when
James came in to see me. I was surprised to see him because his houses’
rehearsals were back at the residential grounds.

“Hey,” he said, and he drew up a high stool just like
mine to sit by me.

“Hi, what are you doing here?” I asked. I was pleased
to see him, but was a little taken aback by his hair because his new haircut
had gotten rid of his fat ginger curls. “And what did you do to your hair?” I
cried. He laughed softly.

“It was getting too long,” he said as he raised his
hand to touch his head. “Don’t worry it’ll grow back soon enough.”

Only then did I notice that his shirt sleeves were a
little damp. “Is it raining outside?” I asked, and turned to glance at the
window. I hadn’t even realized that it was.

“It is,” he replied. “I brought an umbrella with me.”

There was
a dullness
to his
voice that I’d never heard before, but I assumed he was just tired since even
his eyes seemed a little droopy.

“So, I was just with Nathan,” he said, and a pang of
fear hit my chest.

I swallowed. “Okay.”

“Do you want to step outside with me for a bit?”