The Beat of Safiri Bay (26 page)

“I don’t know yet,” One of them opens a tap and I can’t hear the rest of the conversation. I quickly wash my hands and dry them with a paper towel. Alex is waiting for me outside and Matt has joined the others at the table. We order burgers and potato wedges and an assortment of drinks. The conversation is light and happy and we all laugh a lot. I am not particularly worried about the little I heard in a few minutes ago. I am sure it has something to do with him disappearing so often these days and almost sure that it might have something to do with my birthday. After dinner we sit around on the sand in front of the cafe’ and Matt runs to get the guitar. Some more young people join us and they build a big fire on the sand. The night turns out to be just perfect with stars above and in my head, all thanks to this wonderfully good man who hasn’t left my side all night. Emma, Louis and Matt sit together while he plays campfire songs and I am glad to see that Alex’s plan of getting Matt to relax a bit has worked this well. “Let’s go,” Alex says and I gladly take his hand and follow him down the South end of the beach. We walk past the lighthouse and then he leads me away from the water to the bottom of the very bushy dunes. A small light on the ground in the bush catches my eye and we walk to it. Still holding on to my hand he walks in front of me and we start walking up the wooden steps where little lights light the way for us. It is a steep climb but I keep up. Then before we reach the top he turns to me, “Close your eyes,” he says and I do so. Then he scoops me up in his arms and carries me the rest of the way. He stops and puts me down slowly. “Happy early birthday,” he says and kisses me softly. I open my eyes and look into what must be the most beautiful log cabin I have ever seen. It is softly lit and hidden away in the bushes of the dune. I am completely speechless. This is obviously some kind of treat that he has organised so we could spend the night in this heavenly house. He digs in his pocket and takes out a key. The key ring is in the shape of an L carved from wood and polished so it shines even in the little light around us. “Do you mean...” I can’t finish my sentence. This is way too over the top. “That I bought a house, yes. I wanted us to be able to spend all our time together. I bought this house for you my love, it’s yours.” I just stand there and stare at this fairytale cabin and then I jump into his arms and kiss him with everything I have. “I can’t believe you did this,” I say out of breath, “You are absolutely crazy,” I say in between kisses. “Well, don’t you want to see it?” He asks and unlocks the door for us. He picks me up before I walk inside and carries me over the threshold. I laugh and when he puts me down he kisses me and then turns me around so I can have a look at everything. It is beautiful. Dark and light wood with white and cream furniture, blinds and curtains decorate the open plan house. Leather in different shades of brown and black were used in sofas and lamp shades. A touch of antique makes it look more feminine and I walk through the lounge come kitchen and touch all the different surfaces. A stair case at the back of the house is also lit in the same way the dune path was and I climb the stairs one by one. Alex follows me and I can sense that he is nervous, maybe because he thinks I wouldn’t like it. The main bedroom is beautiful with white walls and light blue decorations, a true sea theme in the most romantic possible way. Two openings on either side of the bed lead to two different bathrooms. “I thought you might not want to share,” he says and looks at me very nervously. I realise that he is waiting for me to say something. I walk to him and take his hands, “Alex, it is the most beautiful house I have ever seen. I don’t know what to say because I thought, what I want to say is that I never thought about leaving my dad’s house. I never even thought I would have a boyfriend.” He laughs but I still see the uncertainty in his eyes. “Alex, I love it. I love this house and I love you and I can’t wait to spend every minute of every day with you.” He hugs me to him and kisses me again with some of the same fervour of the other night. I am overcome by all the mixed feelings of love, excitement and passion and throw it all into our embrace. He walks me over to the bed and lies down on top of me. This time I do feel him against me and welcome the heaviness of his body. He takes his shirt off and kisses me on my lips and neck. I hold on to his back and his hands and lips takes me to a world I never knew existed. But before things get to heated up he slows down and stops kissing me. Then he rolls off me and lies on his side looking at me, I turn over to face him. “Why did you stop?” I ask confused.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says and traces my jaw with his finger. “You are not hurting me,” I say and lean closer to him but he stops me and touches my lips lightly, “I don’t mean physically,” he says and sighs. We lie there looking at each other when I think of something. “I don’t understand. If this is my birthday present why did you give it to me now? Why not wait a week?” The pained look on his face sets off an alarm in my confused head and I sit up. He sits up as well, across from me, and holds my face in his one hand. “Lay, I wish this could be different.” What is he talking about? What must be different? I thought we were making good progress. “When I bought us this house it was with the intention of sharing it with you one day. I swear I wanted us to be happy in this house and I wanted to marry you when you were ready and live happily ever after in this magnificent house that overlooks the sea and has its own little path to the beach.” I don’t get it, why the use of wanted to this and that. “Alex,” he puts a finger to my lips,

“Let me finish Lane. I realise now that it won’t happen the way I planned it in my head. We won’t ever be able to share this house. We can’t have our happily ever after.” His voice breaks and he swallows. But before the tears run down my face it runs down his. “Lane, I love you so much but I have to let you go, now, before we both get hurt. You can still have your happy ever after. I know of someone who will move heaven and earth for you,”

“No Alex no,”

“He can give you something I can’t”

“Alex please don’t do this,” I beg but he ignores me and carries on.

“Lane, he is the better man for you, please understand that,”

“There is no other man for me,” I shout through my tears. “How can you do this to me? How can you do this?” I hit him on the chest with my fists and he just sits there. He doesn’t stop me he doesn’t say anything he just lets me shout and cry it out. He gets up and stands at the foot of the bed looking down at me. “Goodbye Lane,” he says and then leaves the room. “Alex please don’t go, please,” I cry out loud like I didn’t even cry when my mother died. To me this is so much worse. Knowing that the one person you love more than anything is alive and well but doesn’t want to be with you is too much for me. It feels as if I will die. My heart beats too fast and my chest has a sharp pain that I have never felt before. All the crying makes me feel sick and I run to the bathroom and throw up. It feels as if I could set fire to this wooden house. I have the need to break something, everything, so it will match my broken heart. I cry more and throw up more and wish I could just die right now. I really don’t want to be alive anymore. I sit there on the bathroom floor crying for what feels like forever. I try and run over our time together. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something? Nothing makes sense to me anymore. One minute he told me he loved me and he bought me a house then he rips out my heart and trashes it. I hate him for that. I love him so much but I hate him for what he has done, for not giving us a chance, we have only known each other for a few weeks, we could have made it worked if he only tried a little longer. I hear a voice on the ground floor but I couldn’t care less about who it is. I cry and shout and spit and tears mix and drip onto the floor. “Lany, oh fuck, Lany baby look at me,” I don’t get up I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to stay here and cry myself dry. I wish I could cry all the life out of me. A wet cloth wipes over my face but I push it away. Then he holds me in his strong arms. I try to struggle free but have no energy to fight anymore. “How can he do this to me Matt? Why did he do this?” I cry hysterically. “If I ever get my hands on him I will fucking kill him,” he is furious but I don’t care. He picks me up and carries me to the bed. “No, please Matt I want to go home, please just take me home now.” I cry and beg. He carries me down the stairs and straps me into the Dodge. I don’t know what happened in between but when I finally had the courage to think again I opened my eyes and saw that I am in his bed. He is sitting on the edge of the bed staring at me. I bet he has never seen anything like this before but I can’t really care. Thandi comes rushing into the room with a glass of water and a tablet. “This will help Lane,” she says and I swallow the pill hoping it will put me to sleep for ever. I hug a pillow but when Matthew gets up to leave I throw it away and sit up drowsily. “Please don’t leave,” I say in a panic. He lies down next to me and just stares at me, shocked. “I am not going anywhere ever,” he says and I close my heavy eyes.         

Chapter 14

My head feels as if it might explode. Matthew is sitting on a chair in the room watching me. I feel very drowsy; no doubt because of the tablet Thandi gave me. I get up slowly and walk out the room. Matthew follows me to my room but I stop him at the door. I need to be alone in the one room where I feel safe. I walk straight to the shower and open the hot water tap. I fold my clothes and put it in the washing basket. Then I climb into the steaming shower. The hot water burns my skin but it is as if I can’t feel the pain. I put on my two exfoliating gloves and then I start with the scrubbing process. I need to get rid of everything that might hold a hint of the past almost three weeks. I scrub my scalp and wash my hair two times. The roughness of the exfoliating gloves hurt my eyelids but I scrub them anyway, my lips my neck my entire body must be rid of at least one layer of skin. I need to be clean again. It is the only way I can cope. The only way I know how to be normal in the outside world is if I can be completely me in my own world and for that I need to be clean. I am sure acting like a lunatic in front of other people will ensure my very quick departure to some mental hospital so I have figured that what happens in my room is my business.

My skin is raw and blood red from all the scrubbing but I refuse to give in to its protest against the pain. I throw the gloves in the stainless steel bin, no need to hang on to them anymore. Then I get dressed and tie up my hair. I will have many more of these showers in the weeks to come. In my bedroom I rip off all the bedding, all the pillows, cushions on my couch anything that is washable. I throw it all on a pile in the middle of my room and drag it out of the room. Thandi is waiting by the door and takes the big pile from me immediately. She has seen this before a few times and is prepared for what is coming but the look on Matt’s face says that he didn’t know this side of me existed. He walks over to me quickly but before he can touch me I stop him. “Lany what happened to you? Your skin is bleeding.” I sigh but never lose focus.

“It is not bleeding it is just scrubbed. I am fine Matt. I just need some time and I don’t want you touching me.” He backs off a little but still looks very concerned. “If you would rather not stay and be a witness to all of this I would understand, I would even prefer it,” I say in a cold lifeless voice. “I am staying.” He says, “I’ll be in the kitchen.” I walk to the storeroom where Thandi keeps all her cleaning materials. I load everything I will need on a trolley and take it back to my room. The next few days will be very hard for me but cleaning my room from top to bottom will help me stay in control of at least something. I switch my phone to silent mode and ready myself for the task lying ahead. I fill up a bucket with steaming hot water and pour a quarter of a bottle of bleach into the water. I put on a pair of rubber gloves and then I start with the bathroom walls. Everything gets wiped with the bleach cloth. As soon as the water seems a bit off colour, I ditch it and repeat the process over and over until all the walls are clean. I wash the toilet inside and out and in every little corner I can get the little cleaning brush into. I throw away everything as soon as I am done with it and move backward so I don’t contaminate the already clean parts. I scrub the dustbin, bath and shower, basin and cupboards. Everything gets cleaned not a single item goes untouched by the bleach cloth. My arms feel heavy and I feel tired but I don’t stop. Lastly I wash the floor on my knees. The only time I leave my room is to go fetch clean hot water and more sponges and cloths. Matthew is there in the kitchen every time I pass through it for clean equipment. When I am done with the bathroom I look up at the wall clock in my room. It is almost four o’clock. I leave to go fetch the vacuum cleaner and Matthew and Thandi is standing in the kitchen waiting for me. “Lany, please will you at least eat something. If you are going to work like this you need to have some energy.” Thandi agrees with him. I have no appetite in fact the smell of the food Thandi has made is making me nauseous. “I’ll have tea outside,” I say and they both look instantly relieved. Thandi brings us tea and toast with honey. She knows me better than I thought. I sip slowly on the hot tea. Matt begs me to have a slice of toast and I force down half. When I look up into his eyes I see pain and pity but mostly I see Alex, they look so much alike. The toast tries to find its way out again but I swallow it down quickly and get up to continue what I have started. My closet is next and I wipe down the walls first then I unpack all my clothes and each shelf and drawer is cleaned out. This painstakingly long and tedious task keeps me from thinking of anything. I just focus on wiping and scrubbing and packing and unpacking. I wipe down each guitar with a wet cloth and then with a dry one. Each string is carefully wiped and cleaned. Then I oil the guitars one by one erasing all fingerprints. I wipe down their stands and cases and vacuum the inside of the hard cases carefully. Then I vacuum the floor and leave to go clean out the machine. It is dark outside and I hear the television but I can’t be distracted now. If I let go now I will start to think and I cannot afford that. I vacuum the carpet in the closet again and when I am sure it is completely clean, germ and fingerprint free, I close the closet door. It is past ten and the house is very quiet except for the television. A soft knock on my bedroom’s door makes me jump and I try to calm myself. I need to keep it together, I can’t lose it again. I open the door and Matt is there with some cookies and a glass of milk. I look away because I really don’t want to eat even though my tummy has been grumbling nonstop for the past three hours. He doesn’t say anything just stands there begging with his eyes. “Fine,” I say and close the door behind me. I walk with him to the entertainment room and sit on the floor. He joins me and hands me the milk and cookies. I have two and a few sips of milk. I can’t force down any more. We don’t talk; we just sit there, him looking at me and me looking everywhere but at him. I think of what I need to do next, what I need to clean next. I can’t think of anything else, not yet. It will break me. I get up to leave and Matt gets up as well. “Lany baby, I’m here, please talk to me.” His sympathetic voice almost brings tears to my eyes but I block it out and nod, “Not yet,” I say and walk back to my room. My studio is probably the most challenging room to clean this thoroughly. The last time I did it I used the bleach cloth on my equipment and it took all the shine off the silver. My dad replaced it for me and taught me how to clean it. After I washed the walls I clean all the surfaces, chairs, stools and then I take the oil and wipe all the other things carefully, removing all traces of ever being touched or used by anyone. The only thing I cannot wipe clean is my brain and all the memories it keeps and uses to torture me with. My arms ache and my knees are bleeding, my heavy eyes are a sign that I have exhausted myself enough for today but I don’t give in. I will not be able to lie down and not think of him so I carry on slower and slower until I am not sure whether I am actually working or dreaming.