The Atonement (52 page)

“I think you probably already know that,
too?”

“So are you going home, or are you going to
have your mail re-routed?”

“Maybe.”

Fifty

The sun was out this November morning,
enlivening the grounds around the Wakefield cemetery. The cold
winds and bare trees the only reminders of the present season.
Allyson would only come to the cemetery during daylight hours
because she was afraid to come at night. Not that she was afraid of
ghosts (or so she tried to convince herself), but it was a matter
of general safety. She came devotedly, every year since Poppa died.
Today was the anniversary of his death. Though he had left her, she
had purposed that she would never leave him, but would honor his
memory until her own eventual demise.

She walked slowly among the graves until she
came to her family plot. Every Russell who’d ever lived had been
buried here going back to the late nineteenth century. Poppa’s was
the one with the large rectangular headstone with his visage
engraved in the center. When she came to it, Allyson kneeled down -
her knee socks and boots doing nothing to protect her from the
shock of the cold from the hard ground below. Slowly, she ran her
fingers over the words etched into the frosty marble:

In loving memory of our Poppa: Honorable
Judge Timothy Warren Russell, 1943 – 1998. “When evidence fails,
trust your gut.”

Allyson had always been in awe of her
grandfather and his uncommon perspicacity. The Sharpes reminded her
of him. She knew that if he were alive today, he would probably
like them. Allyson had always tried to live by Poppa’s advice:
trusting her gut, or at least she tried to. Many times fear got in
the way, like what was happening to her right now.

She took something out of her pocket. It was
a handmade key chain that she had made herself. Carefully she dug a
little cavern with a stick she’d found around the grounds, placed
the keychain inside, and covered it with the dirt. Allyson would
never put flowers on her grandfather’s grave because he always
hated them. Instead, she would bring a memento that she would make
for him. Wherever he was, she wanted him to know that she still
loved him, even if he couldn’t love her back anymore. It was times
like these, when visiting her grandfather’s grave that she felt the
most alone. But today, she couldn’t help thinking about what Momma
Lena had said to her.

Her reflection on that conversation was
disturbed by the sound of dry autumn leaves being crushed under
foot. She didn’t have to turn to know who it was.

“Is it okay, if I take a spot over here?”

“Whatever.”

Tim sat next to her cross-legged. The two
were silent for a while, listening to the wind blow the leaves
around.

“You think he can see us?” said Allyson.

“I’m not sure. Maybe. In a way, I hope he
can’t.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t think he’d be okay with what’s
happened with our family over the past 12 years. He was adamant
about what he’d call ‘family cohesion.’”

“I remember. He’d always say, ‘family is
family no matter what.’”

“You know, before you were born I wasn’t
quite thrilled about mother having another baby, and I think Poppa
must’ve known somehow. One day he took me aside in his office and
he said to me in his deep officious tone, ‘Now, Tim you must know
that since you’re mother’s going to have another baby, we’re going
to have to take on more responsibility. I don’t think she looks
after you the way she should and you’ve heard some of the silly
ideas she’s got for this little one – nonsense about painting
rabbits on the walls and lace curtains. This little baby’s going to
be ruined unless you and I take decisive, immediate action.’”

“Sounds like Poppa alright.”

“He made it seem like we were this team on a
mission to protect you. He’d tell me that when he wasn’t around it
would be my job to look after you and make sure my mom didn’t turn
you into a spoiled brat. We even went to the mall sometimes and
he’d let me pick out toys and outfits for you – things we liked
that he knew mother would hate.”

“Is that why I was wearing that awful looking
baseball onesie when I came home from the hospital?”

“Poppa liked it. He felt it would be better
if you had a bit of tomboy in you rather than be the girly-girl mom
was planning to turn you into. He wanted you to have some spunk,
and to not always think you’d have to conform to the common
mold.”

“I know. So…Poppa was able to trick you into
wanting a sibling.”

“Maybe at first. But then after a while, I
started to like the idea. I even started to think that you were
going to be my baby, too. When mom brought you home, the first
thing I said was, “Is that my baby?”

“So I’ve heard. That was a long time ago. So
much has changed since then.”

“Some things haven’t. I remember that when I
first saw you, I thought that there could never be anything I
wouldn’t do to protect you. I still feel that way. Believe it or
not, I really do love you, Allyson.”

“
Tim…”

“
Listen, Ally, I know that
saying you’re sorry doesn’t magically fix things. I can’t change
what has happened in the past, but I want you to know that no
matter what happens down the road, I’ll always love
you.”

“I love you, too.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I want my big brother back,”
she said looking directly into his eyes.

Tim reached over and took her into his arms.
Allyson held on tight.

“Tim…I’m – I’m sorry,” she sobbed.

“It’s okay cupcake. It’s okay.”

Fifty-One

Allen stood in front of the mirror in his
room trying to knot his tie and ignore the one in his stomach. The
church was normally his refuge and his sanctuary, but for the past
couple of weeks, going had been torture. He’d been on the evasive
trying to avoid Jim, even skipping Sunday dinners with the excuse
that he had to study for class. Today he’d be ushering so there
would be no awkwardness from having to sit in close proximity to
his old acquaintance. After thinking about what his dad said, Allen
knew that he’d have to actually settle things with Jim. However, he
didn’t know if he wanted to do it today. “I’ve got too much going
on right now to have to deal with that,” Allen reasoned to himself.
Finals were going to be right after the holiday break and Allen
wanted to be prepared. A knock on the door interrupted Allen’s
thoughts.

“Come in.”

“Ready?” asked Tim, who poked his head around
the door for a brief moment before disappearing.

“Just about,” said Allen as he finished his
tie. He grabbed his jacket and bag before heading out. When he came
into the living room, he saw Tim securing his guitar in its case
and whistling a gospel hymn.

“I see someone’s in a good mood.”

“How can I not? It’s Sunday. Sundays always
remind me of all the things I have to be grateful for.”

“And this doesn’t have anything to do with a
certain relative of yours.”

“It might have something to do with a
relative of mine, if I must say.”

“Is she going to be with us today?”

“No, but she might come back to have dinner
with us in the near future. We’re taking baby steps, Allen.”

“I hear you. I’m also happy for you.”

“Thanks, dude – and I have to thank the Lord
while I’m at it. Nothing ever happens without Him.”

“Amen. At least someone’s able to get a
prayer through.”

“Not just my prayer a lot of people’s
prayers. Don’t worry Al, your change is coming, too. Just stay
focused on what God wants you to do.”

“I’m trying. It’s just that – sometimes I
think about my life and it’s nothing like I imagined it would be. I
mean, I always thought that by the time I was 24 I would be in an
entry level finance job, I’d have my own apartment and the girl of
my dreams. Instead I’m a broke janitor, living with my parents,
going to law school, of all places, the girl of my dreams has just
broken my heart, and my best friend… well no need to go over that –
It’s just like there’s one disappointment after another. I just
wish He would let me know what’s going on. Is this a punishment? A
joke? A trial? I need a word – something to hold onto.”

“You have that already. You know what He’s
promised us in His Word. Now you just have to trust in spite of
everything you feel. In fact, you just have to let go of all those
feelings – the disappointment, the hurt, resentments – they’ll just
choke your faith.”

“It’s hard.”

“So was getting a Harvard Degree, but you
persevered to get it. This is worth a lot more.”

Their conversation was interrupted by the
sound of the intercom.

“Who in the world could that be?”

“Let’s find out,” said Tim walking to the
intercom, “Roger, Brad.”

“It’s a Mr. Reid, sir.”

Tim sent a look to Allen. A lump formed in
Allen’s throat. After a moment of deliberation, Allen nodded.

“Send him up.”

“It’s best to get this over with,” thought
Allen. He didn’t know what he would say or how he would feel coming
face to face with Jim after so long. For the past couple of weeks,
his job and his law school responsibilities kept him preoccupied so
that he didn’t have to think too much about everything that had
happened. Some things he had resolved, but others he had stuffed
down deep and he could feel the emotions stirring as his meeting
with Jim drew nearer. “Lord, please watch over my mouth and my
actions,” prayed Allen inside himself.

“How ‘bout I take our stuff downstairs and
wait in the car?” said Tim.

“Sure you don’t want to stick around and
clean up the blood?”

“Knowing the two of you as long as I have,
I’m sure that won’t be necessary.”

Tim left and not long after there was a knock
at the door. Allen walked over and opened it. At last they were
both face to face after so long. Allen thought he would be angry.
He had felt the bile and heat radiating through his body just a few
moments ago. But when he looked in Jim’s eyes he did not see what
he expected.

“May I come in?”

Allen backed up to allow Jim to enter into
the apartment.

“I had to come. Even though I know I’m the
last person you want to see. I had to see you – to set things
straight.”

He paused as if he was waiting for Allen to
say something, but Allen couldn’t say anything.

“Ever since things fell apart, I never really
came to you to apologize. I’m sorry, Allen. Sorry for cutting you
off- and for all the trouble I’ve caused you. I’m not going to try
to give you reasons or excuses because there really aren’t any. As
Pop Vernon would say, I let the devil fool me”

“There’s one thing I agree with,” thought
Allen.

“I can’t blame you if you don’t want anything
to do with me anymore,” Jim continued, “I know the past couple of
years I’ve put you through a lot. Trust me, Al, I don’t want to
hurt you anymore. You might not believe it, but it’s killing me to
know how much pain I’ve caused you. You’re like my little brother.
I’ve always tried to protect you – wanted the best for you…”

Jim started to choke up. His words reminded
Allen of everything they had been through together when they were
young – like all those times Jim stepped in to protect him from
bullies and thugs. One time, when Jim was 12 and Allen was 10 they
both got jumped by two older boys from the rough junior high school
from around the corner. Allen was useless, but Jim fought like a
junkyard dog to keep him from being hurt. Then he thought about all
the times that Jim would loan Allen his last five dollars if he
needed it and never even ask for it back. When Allen got into
Harvard, Jim seemed to be happier than he was about it. Allen was
starting to realize that Jim was indeed looking out for him. His
dad was right. Jim could’ve gone down south and kept everything a
secret and allowed Allen to make a mess of his life, but he didn’t.
But even if Jim hadn’t done any of these things, Allen still
couldn’t justify his grudge.

Jim’s manner had no anger, malice,
bitterness, or shame – just a quiet humility, sincerity and the
love that Allen knew had been buried deep inside him. It made Allen
feel somewhat ashamed of his behavior and actions of the past few
weeks. As a Christian he was supposed to be a reflection of God’s
love. It made Allen feel like he should be the one seeking
forgiveness.

“Don’t let what I’ve done mess you up, man. I
want you to have a good life. You deserve that. And even though
things are the way they are, I’m still going to miss you. Good-bye,
Al.”

“Are you leaving today?”

“No. I just wanted a chance to speak to you
before I did, that’s all.”

“Oh.”

Jim turned away, to leave, but Allen knew he
had to stop him.

“Don’t I get a chance to say something?”

Jim turned to face him again and nodded.

“I don’t want you to go, Jim. You’re my
brother. You always will be. I love you, man.”

“I love you, too.”

The two men embraced briefly in a man-hug,
each trying not to let the other see the tears that were trying to
escape from the corners of their eyes.

“How’d you get all the way here, anyway? I
know you’re leg’s still jacked up.”

“I got up early and took the bus.”

“The bus?”

“Yeah. I’ve had the casts off for a little
while now and Riley’s been helping me with the rehab exercises.
It’s gettin’easier to get around – not as stiff anymore.”

“Still, I’m betting you could use a ride to
the church, right?”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

They walked out into yet another chapter in
their friendship. The last blocks of the invisible wall that had
stood between them, finally broken.