The Art of Happiness (35 page)

“Definitely. A fair proportion of my patients suffer from it.”

“When these people were speaking about it, at first I wasn't certain if I was understanding the concept correctly,” he laughed. “I thought, ‘Of course we love ourselves! How can a person hate himself or herself?' Although I thought that I had some understanding about how the mind works, this idea of hating oneself was completely new to me. The reason why I found it quite unbelievable is that practicing Buddhists work very hard trying to overcome our self-centered attitude, our selfish thoughts and motives. From this viewpoint I think we love and cherish ourselves too much. So to think of the possibility of someone not cherishing oneself, and even hating oneself, was quite, quite unbelievable. As a psychiatrist, can you explain this concept for me, how it occurs?”

I briefly described for him the psychological view of how self-hatred arises. I explained how our self-image is shaped by our parents and upbringing, how we pick up implicit messages about ourselves from them as we grow and develop, and I outlined the specific conditions that create a negative self-image. I went on to detail the factors that exacerbate self-hatred, such as when our behavior fails to live up to our idealized self-image, and described some of the ways that self-hatred can be cultur ally reinforced, particularly in some women and minorities. While I was discussing these things, the Dalai Lama continued to nod thoughtfully with a quizzical expression on his face, as if he were still having some difficulty grasping this strange concept.

 

 

 

 

 

Groucho Marx once quipped, “I'd never join any club that would have me for a member.” Broadening this kind of negative self-view into an observation about human nature, Mark Twain said, “No man, deep down in the privacy of his own heart, has any considerable respect for himself.” And taking this pessimistic view of humanity and incorporating it into his psychological theories, the humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers once claimed, “Most people despise themselves, regard themselves as worthless and unlovable.”

There is a popular notion in our society, shared by most contemporary psychotherapists, that self-hatred is rampant within Western culture. While it certainly exists, fortunately it may not be as widespread as many believe. It certainly is a common problem among those who seek psychotherapy, but sometimes psychotherapists in clinical practice have a skewed view, a tendency to base their general view of human nature on those few individuals who walk into their offices. Most of the data based on experimental evidence, however, have established the fact that often people tend to (or at least want to) see themselves in a favorable light, rating themselves as “better than average” in almost any survey asking about subjective and socially desirable qualities.

So, while self-hatred may not be as universal as commonly thought, it can still be a tremendous obstacle for many people. I was as surprised by the Dalai Lama's reaction as he was by the concept of self-hatred. His initial response alone can be very revealing and healing.

There are two points related to his remarkable reaction that warrant examination. The first point is simply that he was unfamiliar with the existence of self-hatred. The underlying assumption that self-hatred is a widespread human problem leads to an impressionistic sense that it is a deeply ingrained feature of the human psyche. But the fact that it is virtually unheard of within entire cultures, in this case the Tibetan culture, strongly reminds us that this troubling mental state, like all of the other negative mental states that we have discussed,
is not an intrinsic part of the human mind.
It is not something that we are born with, irrevocably saddled with, nor is it an indelible characteristic of our nature. It can be removed. This realization alone can serve to weaken its power, give us hope, and increase our commitment to eliminate it.

The second point related to the Dalai Lama's initial reaction was his response,
“Hate
oneself? Of course, we
love
ourselves!” For those of us who suffer from self-hatred or know someone who does, this response may seem incredibly naive at first glance. But on closer investigation, there may be a penetrating truth to his response. Love is difficult to define, and there may be different definitions. But one definition of love, and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind of love, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the happiness of another individual. It is a heartfelt wish for the other's happiness regardless of whether he does something to injure us or even whether we like him. Now, deep in our hearts, there's no question that every one of us wants to be happy.
So, if our definition of love is based on a genuine wish for someone's happiness, then each of us does in fact love himself or herself—every one of us sincerely wishes for his or her own happiness.
In my clinical practice I've sometimes encountered the most extreme cases of self-hatred, to the point where the person experiences recurrent thoughts of suicide. But even in these most extreme cases, the thought of death is ultimately based on the individual's wish (distorted and misguided though it may be) to
release her- or himself
from suffering, not cause it.

So perhaps the Dalai Lama was not far off the mark in his belief that all of us have an underlying self-love, and this idea suggests a powerful antidote to self-hatred: we can directly counteract thoughts of self-contempt by reminding ourselves that no matter how much we may dislike some of our characteristics, underneath it all we wish ourselves to be happy, and that is a profound kind of love.

 

 

 

On a subsequent visit to Dharamsala, I returned to the subject of self-hatred with the Dalai Lama. By then he had familiarized himself with the concept and had begun developing methods for combating it.

“From the Buddhist point of view,” he explained, “being in a depressed state, in a state of discouragement, is seen as a kind of extreme that can clearly be an obstacle to taking the steps necessary to accomplish one's goals. A state of self-hatred is even far more extreme than simply being discouraged, and this can be very, very dangerous. For those engaged in Buddhist practice, the antidote to self-hatred would be to reflect upon the fact that all beings, including oneself, have Buddha Nature—the seed or potential for perfection, full Enlightenment—no matter how weak or poor or deprived one's present situation may be. So those people involved in Buddhist practice who suffer from self-hatred or self-loathing should avoid contemplating the suffering nature of existence or the underlying unsatisfactory nature of existence, and instead they should concentrate more on the positive aspects of one's existence, such as appreciating the tremendous potential that lies within oneself as a human being. And by reflecting upon these opportunities and potentials, they will be able to increase their sense of worth and confidence in themselves.”

Raising my now-standard question from the perspective of a non-Buddhist, I asked, “Well, what would be the antidote for someone who may not have heard of the concept of Buddha Nature or who may not be a Buddhist?”

“One thing in general that we could point out to such people is that we are gifted as human beings with this wonderful human intelligence. On top of that, all human beings have the capacity to be very determined and to direct that strong sense of determination in whatever direction they would like to use it. There is no doubt of this. So if one maintains an awareness of these potentials and reminds oneself of them repeatedly until it becomes part of one's customary way of perceiving human beings—including oneself—then this could serve to help reduce feelings of discouragement, helplessness, and self-contempt.”

The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment, then proceeded with a probing inflection which suggested that he was still actively exploring, continuously engaging in a process of discovery.

“I think that here there might be some sort of parallel to the way we treat physical illnesses. When doctors treat someone for a specific illness, not only do they give antibiotics for the specific condition, but they also make sure that the person's underlying physical condition is such that he or she can take antibiotics and tolerate them. So in order to ensure that, the doctors make sure, for instance, that the person is generally well nourished, and often they may also have to give vitamins or whatever to build the body. So long as the person has that underlying strength in his or her body, then there is the potential or capacity within the body to heal itself from the illness through medication.
Similarly, so long as we know and maintain an awareness that we have this marvelous gift of human intelligence and a capacity to develop determination and use it in positive ways, in some sense we have this underlying mental health. An underlying strength, that comes from realizing we have this great human potential.
This realization can act as a sort of built-in mechanism that allows us to deal with any difficulty, no matter what situation we are facing, without losing hope or sinking into self-hatred.”

Reminding ourselves of the great qualities we share with all human beings acts to neutralize the impulse to think we're bad or undeserving. Many Tibetans do this as a daily meditation practice. Perhaps that's the reason why in Tibetan culture self-hatred never took hold.

Th
^e
art of happiness has many components. As we've seen, it begins with developing an understanding of the truest sources of happiness and setting our priorities in life based on the cultivation of those sources. It involves an inner discipline, a gradual process of rooting out destructive mental states and replacing them with positive, constructive states of mind, such as kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. In identifying the factors that lead to a full and satisfying life, we conclude with a discussion of the final component—spirituality.

There is a natural tendency to associate spirituality with religion. The Dalai Lama's approach to achieving happiness has been shaped by his years of rigorous training as an ordained Buddhist monk. He is also widely regarded as a preeminent Buddhist scholar. For many, however, it is not his grasp of complex philosophical issues that offers the most appeal but rather his personal warmth, humor, and down-to-earth approach to life. During the course of our conversations, in fact, his basic humanness seemed to override even his primary role as a Buddhist monk. Despite his shaved head and striking maroon robes, despite his position as one of the most prominent religious figures in the world, the tone of our conversations was simply of one human being to another, discussing the problems that we all share.

In helping us understand the true meaning of spirituality, the Dalai Lama began by distinguishing between spirituality and religion:

“I believe that it is essential to appreciate our potential as human beings and recognize the importance of inner transformation. This should be achieved through what could be called a process of mental development. Sometimes, I call this having a spiritual dimension in our life.

“There can be two levels of spirituality. One level of spirituality has to do with our religious beliefs. In this world, there are so many different people, so many different dispositions. There are five billion human beings and in a certain way I think we need five billion different religions, because there is such a large variety of dispositions. I believe that each individual should embark upon a spiritual path that is best suited to his or her mental disposition, natural inclination, temperament, belief, family, and cultural background.

“Now, for example, as a Buddhist monk, I find Buddhism to be most suitable. So, for myself, I've found that Buddhism is best. But that does not mean Buddhism is best for everyone. That's clear. It's definite. If I believed that Buddhism were best for everyone, that would be foolish, because different people have different mental dispositions. So, the variety of people calls for a variety of religions. The purpose of religion is to benefit people, and I think that if we only had one religion, after a while it would cease to benefit many people. If we had a restaurant, for instance, and it only served one dish—day after day, for every meal—that restaurant wouldn't have many customers left after a while. People need and appreciate diversity in their food because there are so many different tastes. In the same way, religions are meant to nourish the human spirit. And I think we can learn to celebrate that diversity in religions and develop a deep appreciation of the variety of religions. So certain people may find Judaism, the Christian tradition, or the Islamic tradition to be most effective for them. Therefore, we must respect and appreciate the value of all the different major world religious traditions.