The Art of Happiness (31 page)

“I'M ANGRY!! I'M ANGRY!! I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!”

It was truly frightening. I remarked to the staff member that it sounded as if there was a crisis that needed urgent attention.

“Don't worry about it,” she laughed. “They're just having a group therapy session down the hall—helping the patient get in touch with her anger.”

Later that day, I met with the patient privately. She appeared drained.

“I feel so
relaxed,”
she said, “that therapy session really worked. I feel as if I've gotten all my anger out.”

In our next session the following day, however, the patient reported, “Well, I guess I didn't get all my anger out after all. Right after I left here yesterday, as I was pulling out of the parking lot some jerk almost cut me off ... and I was furious! And I kept cursing that jerk under my breath all the way home. I guess I still need a few more of those anger sessions to get the rest of it out.”

 

 

 

 

 

In setting out to conquer anger and hatred, the Dalai Lama begins by investigating the nature of these destructive emotions.

“Generally speaking,” he explained, “there are many different kinds of afflictive or negative emotions, such as conceit, arrogance, jealousy, desire, lust, closed-mindedness, and so on. But out of all these, hatred and anger are considered to be the greatest evils because they are the greatest obstacles to developing compassion and altruism, and they destroy one's virtue and calmness of mind.

“In thinking about anger, there can be two types. One type of anger can be positive. This would be mainly due to one's motivation. There can be some anger that is motivated by compassion or a sense of responsibility. Where anger is motivated by compassion, it can be used as an impetus or a catalyst for a positive action. Under these circumstances, a human emotion like anger can act as a force to bring about swift action. It creates a kind of energy that enables an individual to act quickly and decisively. It can be a powerful motivating factor. So, sometimes that kind of anger can be positive. All too often, however, even though that kind of anger can act as a kind of protector and bring one extra energy, that energy is also blind, so it is uncertain whether it will become constructive or destructive in the end.

“So, even though under rare circumstances some kinds of anger can be positive, generally speaking, anger leads to ill feeling and hatred. And, as far as hatred is concerned, it is never positive. It has no benefit at all. It is always totally negative.

“We cannot overcome anger and hatred simply by suppressing them.
We need to actively cultivate the antidotes to hatred: patience and tolerance.
Following the model that we spoke of earlier, in order for you to be able to successfully cultivate patience and tolerance you need to generate enthusiasm, a strong desire to seek it. The stronger your enthusiasm, the greater your ability to withstand the hardships that you encounter in the process. When you are engaged in the practice of patience and tolerance, in reality, what is happening is you are engaged in a combat with hatred and anger. Since it is a situation of combat, you seek victory, but you also have to be prepared for the possibility of losing that battle. So while you are engaged in combat, you should not lose sight of the fact that in the process, you will confront many problems. You should have the ability to withstand these hardships. Someone who gains victory over hatred and anger through such an arduous process is a true hero.

“It is with this in mind that we generate this strong enthusiasm. Enthusiasm results from learning about and reflecting upon the beneficial effects of tolerance and patience, and the destructive and negative effects of anger and hatred. And that very act, that very realization in itself, will create an affinity towards feelings of tolerance and patience and make you feel more cautious and wary of angry and hateful thoughts. Usually, we don't bother much about anger or hatred, so it just comes. But once we develop a cautious attitude towards these emotions, that reluctant attitude itself can act as a preventative measure against anger or hatred.

“The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a very strong or forceful thought of hatred arises within you, at that very instant, it totally overwhelms you and destroys your peace of mind; your presence of mind disappears completely. When such intense anger and hatred arises, it obliterates the best part of your brain, which is the ability to judge between right and wrong, and the long-term and short-term consequences of your actions. Your power of judgment becomes totally inoperable; it can no longer function. It is almost like you have become insane. So, this anger and hatred tends to throw you into a state of confusion, which just serves to make your problems and difficulties so much worse.

“Even at the physical level, hatred brings about a very ugly, unpleasant physical transformation of the individual. At the very instant when strong feelings of anger or hatred arise, no matter how hard the person tries to pretend or adopt a dignified pose, it is very obvious that the person's face looks contorted and ugly. There is a very unpleasant expression, and the person gives out a very hostile vibration. Other people can sense it. It is almost as if they can feel steam coming out of that person's body. So much so, that not only are human beings capable of sensing it, but even animals, pets, would try to avoid the person at that instant. Also, when a person harbors hateful thoughts, they tend to collect inside the person, and this can cause things like loss of appetite, loss of sleep, and certainly make the person feel more tense and uptight.

“For reasons such as these, hatred is compared to an enemy. This internal enemy, this inner enemy, has no other function than causing us harm. It is our true enemy, our ultimate enemy. It has no other function than simply destroying us, both in the immediate term and in the long term.

“This is very different from an ordinary enemy. Although an ordinary enemy, a person whom we regard as an enemy, may engage in activities that are harmful to us, at least he or she has other functions
_;
that person has got to eat, and that person has got to sleep. So he or she has many other functions and therefore cannot devote twenty-four hours a day of his or her existence to this project of destroying us. On the other hand, hatred has no other function, no other purpose, than destroying us. So, by realizing this fact, we should resolve that we will never give an opportunity for this enemy, hatred, to arise within us.”

“In dealing with anger, what do you think about some of the methods of Western psychotherapy, which encourage expressing one's anger?”

“Here, I think we have to understand that there may be different situations,” the Dalai Lama explained. “In some cases, people harbor strong feelings of anger and hurt based on something done to them in the past, an abuse or whatever, and that feeling is kept bottled up. There is a Tibetan expression that says that if there is any sickness in the conch shell, you can clear it by blowing it out. In other words, if anything is blocking the conch shell, just blow it out, and it will be clear. So similarly here, it is possible to imagine a situation in which, due to the bottling up of certain emotions or certain feelings of anger, it may be better to just let it out and express it.

“However, I believe that generally speaking, anger and hatred are the type of emotions which, if you leave them unchecked or unattended, tend to aggravate and keep on increasing. If you simply get more and more used to letting them happen and just keep expressing them, this usually results in their growth, not their reduction. So, I feel that the more you adopt a cautious attitude and actively try to reduce the level of their force, the better it is.”

“So, if you feel that expressing or releasing our anger isn't the answer, then what is?” I inquired.

“Now, first of all, feelings of anger and hatred arise from a mind that is troubled by dissatisfaction and discontent. So you can prepare ahead of time by constantly working toward building inner contentment and cultivating kindness and compassion. This brings about a certain calmness of mind that can help prevent anger from arising in the first place. And then when a situation does arise that makes you angry, you should directly confront your anger and analyze it. Investigate what factors have given rise to that particular instance of anger or hatred. Then, analyze further, seeing whether it is an appropriate response and especially whether it is constructive or destructive. And you make an effort to exert a certain inner discipline and restraint, actively combating it by applying the antidotes: counteracting these negative emotions with thoughts of patience and tolerance.”

The Dalai Lama paused, then with his customary pragmatism, added, “Of course, in working towards overcoming anger and hatred, at the initial stage you may still experience these negative emotions. But there are different levels
_;
if it's a mild degree of anger, then at that moment you can attempt to directly confront it and combat it. However, if it's a very strong negative emotion that develops, then, at that moment, it might be very difficult to challenge or to face it. If that is the case, then at that moment it may be best to simply try to forget about it. Think of something else. Once your mind is a little bit calmed down, then you can analyze; you can reason.” In other words, I reflected, he was saying, “Take a time out.”

He went on. “In seeking to eliminate anger and hatred, the intentional cultivation of patience and tolerance is indispensable. You could conceive of the value and importance of patience and tolerance in these terms: Insofar as the destructive effects of angry and hateful thoughts are concerned, you cannot get protection from these from wealth. Even if you are a millionaire, you are still subject to the destructive effects of anger and hatred. Nor can education alone give you a guarantee that you will be protected from these effects. Similarly, the law cannot give you such guarantees or protection. Even nuclear weapons, no matter how sophisticated the defense system may be, cannot give you the protection or defense from these effects ...”

The Dalai Lama paused to gather momentum, then concluded in a clear, firm voice,
“The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.”

 

 

 

Once again, the Dalai Lama's traditional wisdom is completely consistent with the scientific data. Dr. Dolf Zillmann at the University of Alabama has conducted experiments demonstrating that angry thoughts tend to create a state of physiological arousal that makes us even more prone to anger. Anger builds on anger, and as our state of arousal increases, we are more easily triggered by anger-provoking environmental stimuli.

If left unchecked, anger tends to escalate. So, how do we go about diffusing our anger? As the Dalai Lama suggests, giving vent to anger and rage has very limited benefits. The therapeutic expression of anger as a means of catharsis seems to have originated from Freud's theories of emotion, which he saw as operating on a hydraulic model: when pressure builds, it must be released. The idea of getting rid of our anger by giving vent to it has some dramatic appeal and in a way might even sound like fun, but the problem is that this method simply does not work. Many studies over the past four decades have consistently shown that the verbal and physical expression of our anger does nothing to dispel it and just makes things worse. Dr. Aaron Siegman, a psychologist and anger researcher at the University of Maryland, believes, for instance, that it is just this kind of repeated expression of anger and rage that triggers the internal arousal systems and biochemical responses that are most likely to cause damage to our arteries.

While giving vent to our anger clearly isn't the answer, neither is ignoring our anger or pretending it isn't there. As we discussed in Part III, avoidance of our problems does not make them go away. So, what's the best approach? Interestingly, the consensus among modern anger researchers such as Dr. Zillmann and Dr. Williams, is that methods similar to the Dalai Lama's appear to be most effective. Since general stress lowers the threshold for what may trigger anger, the first step is preventative: cultivating an inner contentment and calmer state of mind, as recommended by the Dalai Lama, can definitely help. And when anger does occur, research has shown that actively challenging, logically analyzing, and reappraising the thoughts that trigger the anger can help dissipate it. There is also experimental evidence suggesting that the techniques that we discussed earlier, such as shifting perspective or looking at different angles of a situation, can also be very effective. Of course, these things are often easier to do at lower or moderate levels of anger, so practicing early intervention before thoughts of anger and hatred escalate can be an important factor.

 

 

 

Because of their vast importance in overcoming anger and hatred, the Dalai Lama spoke in some detail on the meaning and value of patience and tolerance.

“In our day-to-day life experiences, tolerance and patience have great benefits. For instance, developing them will allow us to sustain and maintain our presence of mind. So if an individual possesses this capacity of tolerance and patience, then, even in spite of living in a very tense environment, which is very frantic and stressful, so long as the person has tolerance and patience, the person's calmness and peace of mind will not be disturbed.

“Another benefit of responding to difficult situations with patience rather than giving in to anger is that you protect yourself from potential undesirable consequences that might come about if you reacted with anger. If you respond to situations with anger and hatred, not only does it not protect you from the injury or harm that has already been done to you—the injury and harm has already taken place—but on top of that, you create an additional cause for your own suffering in the future. However, if you respond to an injury with patience and tolerance, then although you may face temporary discomfort and hurt, you will still avoid the potentially dangerous long-term consequences. By sacrificing small things, by putting up with small problems or hardships, you will be able to forgo experiences or sufferings that can be much more enormous in the future. To illustrate, if a convicted prisoner could save his life by sacrificing his arm as a punishment, wouldn't that person feel grateful for the opportunity? By putting up with that pain and suffering of having an arm cut off, the person would be saving himself or herself from death, which is a greater suffering.”