The Arrangement Anthology (28 page)

I’m not really a seafood person.
Are snails considered seafood? They crawl around in fish tanks, so maybe. Either way, I don’t like the booger texture when it comes to food that lives in the ocean.

I smile hard and pick up one of the forks. I
think it’s the right one, but I’m not really sure. There’s a thingie on my napkin to hold the snail shell, kind of like pliers. Briefly, I examine them and wonder who makes these things? They’re pliers for rich people who like eating slugs in fancy restaurants. Who else would buy them? I poke my fork at the snail.

Sean watches me. The corners of his mouth twitch, like he’s amused. “Do you always eat escargot with your salad fork?”

My brows crept up my face at some point, as I tried to figure out what to do with these things. I watch Henry, and pause. That’s when Sean speaks. It’s obvious that I’ve never had them.

I smile confidently and try to grab the little beast. “Yes, I find it’s easier to rip that sucker out of his shell. Plus salad is for pussies, so no harm usi
ng the fork now and letting the waiters carry it away. Am I right?” I pull the snail out of the shell as I’m speaking and pop it in my mouth like it’s a French fry, but the texture throws me off. I make a face and nearly choke. 

Henry’s eyes are about to fall out of his head. He’s lifted his glass of wine to his lips and has a horrified look on his face, but Sean laughs. It kills me to hear that sound, but I know what I’m doing with him. I know how to make
Sean loosen up and how to make him clam up. I need Sean to feel happy for a little bit, to make this deal with Henry, so I can get the hell away before my life gets any harder.

Dinner progresses and Henry finally relaxes again. He speaks to Sean about anything and everything. We’re nearly through with
meal and no one has mentioned the contract yet, or the thingie that Sean is selling and that Henry wants to buy. The waiter sets down a hot drink in a tiny cup. I glance at the array of spoons that I have left on the table. Henry continues to speak about something that’s so dull that it should be called matte.

Sean taps the little spoon next to the place setting. I smile at him and
use it to stir the little cream-colored B into the hot liquid. That’s when Sean’s mood shifts. Suddenly, he’s all business. “I know why you wanted to meet with me Henry, and I can tell you right now that there’s no way it’s going to happen.”

Henry’s face goes slack. “Surely you can’t mean that. We haven’t even
discussed what Project 597 could do for us, for you. It’s not just the sale of the patent—it’s bigger than that.” Henry’s voice is too tense.

Sean doesn
’t react well to tension. I sip my hot liquid, but it’s so sweet that my lips buckle. Sean’s eyes flick up in time to see my face. He forgets himself and smirks. “Not to your liking Ms. Stanz?”

“No, it’s fine. Perfect.” I return his smirk, but Sean just stares at me. Henry sees it, notices the intensity of his gaze, but says nothing.

“Tell me, Ms. Stanz, do you intend to take Henry’s name after the wedding?” The look on Sean’s face chokes me. It’s as if he reached across the table and wrapped his fingers around my neck. My heart stops. I fall on the floor and die. At least that’s what I hope for.

All night Sean
’s acted like he wasn’t going to out me, like he wasn’t going to say it, but now I see it in his eyes. This is the segue—the flourish before the grand reveal. Sean knows that Henry hired me, that Henry intended to play him.

I feel my
face flush. My eyes drop. My mouth gapes open, but I don’t breathe. I can’t. The air feels thick, and I know one little breath will make me choke. Placing my sweaty palms on the table, I stand up. “Please excuse me for a moment, gentlemen.”

I walk away without
explanation.

I float across the floor of the dining room. The voices surrounding me flutter away so that I don’t hear anything but a dull buzz of noise. Too many thoughts rush through my mind and I find myself wanting to run. The
muscles in my legs twitch, like I’m going to die if I don’t. Nerves won’t release their hold on me. I feel Gabe’s eyes on my back as I walk toward the ladies room, the only place that no one will follow. I need a plan. I need to fix this unfixable mess.

Maybe I
should just crawl out the bathroom window.
I touch my hand to my forehead and breathe in.
Awh, superfuck
.
What do I do?
I can’t stay here and wait for the other shoe to drop. I can’t sit there and watch. The magnitude of this is unimaginable. Everything hinges on tonight.

I can’t think.

I reach the ladies room and walk inside. There is no one else here. The room is dark and swankly decorated. It has a powder room feel with little Victorian looking tuffets to sit on and your apply make-up. I step around the fluffy seat and stand in front of the sink. Placing my hands on the cold granite counter, I look up into the mirror and shiver.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get out of this.
Squeezing my eyes together hard, I blink. Why can’t I think? In the moments that really matter, my brain seems to vacate my body, and I’m stuck with this surreal feeling like life is moving in slow motion. I inhale, closing my eyes as I do it. I have to calm down. I have to get a grip on this, either that or run like hell.

When I open my eyes I nearly jump out of my skin.
  I lift my chin and look up into the mirror expecting to see only my face, but someone else is there—Sean. I never even heard him come in. I grab my heart like it’s going to explode.

I want to scream at him. I’m unraveling. I feel the strands popping one by one. Fury rises to the surface and I can’t hold it back. Too much has happened between us, too many good things and too many bad thing
s. I round on him. Sean is two steps behind me. I practically jump on him and slam my fists into his chest. I hate my reaction, but I can’t stop it.

I speak with a voice that isn’t mine. It hisses from between my teeth with too much venom, too much hatred. “Why can’t you leave me alone? You’re ruining my life, you sick bastard! You think this is funny? You think that you can just have me and play with my mind, like I don’t fucking matter?
Well, it’s not going to happen—not again you arrogant prick—so walk away and leave me the hell alone.”

My fingers are stretched wide as rage races through my veins. I shove
Sean again, but he barely moves. It feels like my heart’s become a black hole and my entire body is being crushed and sucked into the massive force. My chest aches, it literally aches to have him so close.

Instead of leaving, Sean grabs my wrists so I stop hitting him. Fury makes my body tremble
. It’s like the hissy fit he just witnessed was the smoke before the real eruption. Sean’s cool eyes sweep over my face. His grip on my arms loosens. I pull back, but my muscles won’t stop twitching.

Sean’s lips part like he’s going to say something, but the words won’t leave his mouth. He breathes strangely, like I punched him in the gut and
he looks at me with those liquid blue eyes. Somehow he makes me feel sorry for defending myself, for telling him off.

Screw this
. I am not so fucked up that I’m going to feel sorry for this. I turn to leave and walk quickly for the door. Without looking back, I say over my shoulder, “Do whatever the hell you want. You’re good at that.” My hand is on the cold doorknob when he speaks.

“
Avery, I have no intention of telling him anything. I simply meant to—”

I stop. My fingers practical
ly strangle the doorknob. I cut him off, not giving him a chance to fully state anything. “I don’t care.”

“I need to tell you something, but every time I approach you—”

“I still don’t care,” I say back. The words come from within the hollowness. I feel them rattle through me before they spill out of my mouth. “I don’t care about anything you have to say and I don’t care about you. I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me.” My eyes narrow to slits and I turn around.

S
uddenly, I’m in his face saying the things I wish I’d said the night he sent me away. “I hate that you’re so damn callous. I gave you my heart and you fucking returned me. Nothing you can say will ever fix that. I have no interest in what makes you tick, or why you followed me in here. You can go to hell.”

Sean reaches into his lapel and pulls out an envelope. It’s thick, like it has lots of paper inside. “This isn’t mine.” 

I stare at him and his envelope of cash. I hope he knows every thought that races through my mind. I hope he knows how much he hurt me and how much I wish I’d never met him. I feel my lips move and words start to pour out. “Oh, it’s yours all right. Don’t you know how returns work? You get your money back. You got me for free—”

“This isn’t about the money, but you’re wrong and need to take it. I—”

“You don’t get to have a say in anything I do. I’m not taking that back. It’s tainted. This is the end of this conversation. Go ahead and do whatever amuses you. I know you will.” I turn away sharply, but Sean manages to grab my wrist.

He pulls me back to him
, hard, too hard. I smack into his chest and he holds onto me tightly. Sean steps forward and before I know it, he has me pressed against the wall. It seems like hours have passed since I walked into this room. How is it that no one else has come in? And if they come in now, it looks really bad.

Sean’s lips are too close to mine. A wave of his warm breath drifts across my cheek
and I shiver. I’m paralyzed, unable to move. I don’t know what’s doing it—if fear has me so scared that I can’t move or if it’s something else, something I don’t even want to consider.

When Sean
speaks, something inside me reacts and I melt. “You think this amuses me? You think that I don’t know what I’ve done to you? You really think that it makes me happy?”

I don’t answer. He’s too close. My mind can’t process all the emotions racing through my body. My veins are on fire and someone has stolen every last breath from my lungs. I shiver, and Sean holds me tighter. My eyes are locked onto his. Neither of us speaks. His lips, those perfectly pink lips, part like he wants to say more—like he wants to kiss me—but Sean doesn’t move. He’s frozen. My heart pounds harder, faster. Buzzing fills my ears and my knees go weak.

After a moment, Sean forces himself to blink. From under those thick dark lashes, he says, “I made a mistake. I don’t know—”

Something inside me
snaps. His words ignite strength within me and I pull away, saying, “You’ve made too many mistakes. I can’t do this with you. I don’t know what you need, or who you really are. I’m not even sure if you really know, but this,” I gesture between us, “is a bad idea. It’s like setting a cigarette down on an open keg of gunpowder. It’s not a question of whether or not it’ll explode, it’s a question of how much damage it will it do when it does blow up, and with you—I already know that answer.

“
I gave you everything I had and you sent me back. I’ll be the trash you think I am. I’ll become what you made me. But, I will never, ever, come groveling back, asking for your affection or your friendship. And you know why? Because there’s nothing left in here,” I ball my hand into a fist and hold it over my heart. “There’s nothing left but a shell and I know that one wrong move—just one more—will be the end of me, and I have no intention of allowing that to happen—especially not with you.”

My voice is too calm. The way I say it is completely detached, like I’m reporting on someone else’s life, someone
else’s soul. I watch his eyes and the way he drinks me in, but I feel nothing. The longer I speak, the more emptied out I feel. I turn and walk back to the door, numb with shock.

Sean’s
voice is soft, apologetic almost, “I made the deal with Henry. I did it for you.”

His confession does
n’t make me pause. It doesn’t change anything. Without a word, I push through the door and walk away.

CHAPTER
  10

Henry is beaming at me and won’t shut up once we’re back in the limo. “Do you know how many people wanted that patent and I’m the one who got it! Do you know what this means?” If he smiles any wider, his teeth will fall out of his head. Henry is practically bouncing in the seat next to me. “And it’s all because of you! I know it! Ferro has a weakness for beautiful women. I saw him walk away shortly after you left the table. Did he talk to you?”

I glance at
Henry out of the corner of my eye. I don’t want to talk about it, so I smile and shake my head. “No, not really. I saw him after I left the ladies room.”

Henry looks at me for a moment and then reaches for his wallet. “I told you that I’d reward you and I’m keeping my promise.” He fishes out some larger bills and counts them swiftly.

Lifting my hand, I stop him. “I can’t take tips. You’ll have to give it to Miss Black.”

“But I want you to have it.” Henry looks at me with a childlike expression.

I assure him that I’ll get it, that it’ll help me, before Gabe drops him off at his hotel. Henry finally puts his money away. Then, he exits the car, jumps in the air, and whoops. His happiness is contagious. I can’t help it. I smile at him and wish him well. He seems like a good guy.

At the last second, Henry turns back to the car and asks, “If I were to ask you on a date—”

My eyes drop to my hands when he asks. “I’m not allowed to date.”

“At all?” he asks, stunned. I shake my head and smile at him. “So, if I want to see you again…?”

“You have to order me.”
That sounds really weird
.

Henry leans on the car at the open window. “Would you like to see me again?”

He’s flirting with me. It makes me smile. I can’t believe this guy. “I would love to see you again, and I’d love to hear what you plan on doing with that patent. I can tell it means a lot to you.”

“It does!” He’s all happiness and rainbows. I wouldn’t be surprised if a unicorn shot out of his ass—he’s that
happy. “I’ll set it up and I’m telling your boss that you’re exceptional, because you are. No one can tame Ferro and somehow, you did! It’s amazing. You’re an amazing woman and I can’t wait until our next date.” He’s grinning so wide. Henry turns around and dances a gig as he walks away from the car. I wonder how long it’ll take him to fall asleep tonight. He got everything he wanted.

As we pull away from the curb, Gabe says, “You have the
shiftiest luck, you know that, right?”

My eyes flick up to the mirror. “I’m well aware.”

“What were the odds of Ferro showing up? I mean, I don’t know how you kept that whole situation from blowing up, but you did. I’m telling Black that it’s not you. Whatever occurred between you and Ferro in private, whatever happened, is on him. She should reinstate you in time to fuck Henry’s brains out next weekend. That should fix your financial problem with Black and you’ll be back on the books again.”

I stare out the window as he speaks. My lips are parted and I breathe slowly. This is my life. I’m a call girl. I’ll get to be with
someone else and wash the vivid memories of Sean away. I nod slowly. This is what I wanted. Somehow, I survived the night and made a positive impression on Gabe and Henry without making things worse with Sean.

Gabe speaks, pulling me from my thoughts. “You’ve got that stormy look in your eye.”

“Excuse me?” I’ve never heard that expression before and I’m not sure what he means.

“It’s like your mind is a sea during a storm. I see it in your eyes. You need to hide that. It means people can still get at you, take bits and pieces away, and from the looks of it you don’t have much to give.”

I stare at Gabe, wondering if I’m always so transparent. I thought I did a good job hiding everything. Maybe not. Instead of replying, I nod.

Gab
e drops me off at Black’s and I go upstairs. I file my report and turn in my gown. I put on my old dress and tie my Chuck’s back on my feet. I toss my purse and heels into a bag and head for the elevator. When the doors open, Gabe is standing there. He holds the door for me. “You did well, kid. No worries. You still got this job.”

“Thanks,” I say
, and the doors slip shut.

When I exit the building, it’s late. I grab a can of ether and start my car. It rumbles to life and for the first time in a long time, I wish I had a coat.
Shivering, I drive back home, but I take the long way getting there. I drive past the dark beach. The scent of salt water fills my head as the wind blasts my face through the window. Eventually, my skin becomes numb. I wish I could stay like that. I wish I didn’t feel every goddamn thing. For a moment, I’m jealous of Sean, of his ability to shut me out so thoroughly. I wish I could do that.

By the time I get off the parkway and head down Deer Park Avenue, I’m totally frozen. My icy fingers grip my steering wheel as I
stop at the light from hell. I rev the engine and keep my other foot on the brake. I glance around. It’s a nice night, but it’s cold.

My RPMs slip and I feel the car convulse. It’s trying to stall. I give it more
gas and stop looking around. I try to get the engine to keep running, but it doesn’t. The beast shutters and dies. Of course the light changes right then. Horns start to blare. I flip on my hazards and grab the can of ether. After walking around to the front of the car, I open the hood and spray.

While I do
, I hear a motorcycle inching closer and closer. It’s as if the rider slowed down just to talk to me. My heart races faster. It can’t be him. I slam the hood down and see Sean on the shoulder, stuck a few cars back. I know it’s Sean, even though I can’t see his face. Seeing him makes my throat constrict. It’s like someone has a belt and is pulling it tighter and tighter around my neck.

Just breathe and drive away
, I tell myself.

After I get back inside, I start the car. It rumbles to life
just as I see Sean inching towards me in the shoulder. I don’t want to talk to him. I can’t. Even though the light is changing to yellow, I gas it. I need to get away from him.

The next few seconds are frozen. They don’t pass the way t
hey should. My car has the acceleration of a sloth and I basically start to roll into the intersection. The bike engine revs behind me, growling like a bear. Sean’s going to gun it and try to catch me. I don’t look back. I press the accelerator pedal down to the floor, and my car starts to pick up speed, but then Sean’s bike cuts me off. A red taillight streaks in front of me.

I don’t see
the truck until that moment. Its horn blares as it comes into the intersection. My foot slams on the break and I skid. I yank the wheel and try to steer into the skid, but the car doesn’t respond.  It’s too late. The car crashes into a telephone pole. The sound of shattering glass and crushing metal fills my head. White smoke billows from under the hood.

On impact, my body is launched forward and I slam my head into the steering wheel. Everything happens in seconds, but it feels slow, as if time
doesn’t
exist.

I
blink hard, clutching the steering wheel and look up. I watch in horror as Sean tries to evade the massive amount of steel barreling down on him. He turns sharp, but the back tire doesn’t grip. It slides out from under him. The bike tips over and falls to the ground. Sparks fill the air like fireworks when the bike’s on its side.

Sean hits the
pavement hard and rolls uncontrollably into traffic.

I hear a voice screaming,
and don’t realize that it’s me. I’m running. Suddenly, I’m running into the intersection. Sean’s bike collides with the side of the truck and bits and pieces of plastic and metal are launched in a thousand different directions. I can’t feel anything but my heart beat. It slams into my ribs over and over again. My scream continues to fill my ears, sounding like an echo. I fall on my knees next to Sean’s crumpled body. I watched him skid when he hit the ground. I saw the way his neck moved, the way his helmet bounced against the cement like a stone. I’m next to him, calling his name, trying to pull up his visor, trying to see if he’s all right. But I know he’s not. I already know he can’t be.

My mind replays the events and terror fills my
veins. He saw the truck. It would have hit me. Sean saw the truck and did this on purpose.

He saved me.

I scream at Sean, calling his name, but he doesn’t move. His black jacket and gloves are shredded. There’s blood dripping from inside his helmet. I try to unfasten the chin strap, but I can’t get it. I’m shaking so badly. I keep saying his name, telling him that it’ll be all right.

My hands are on his chest, but I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’ve lost him. I don’t understand how he could do this. I don’t understand him at all, and now that chance is gone.

People race around us. Suddenly, I’m not alone. Lights flash around me, bright red and white. They try to take me away from Sean, but I won’t go. They pull me from him and force me into the back of an ambulance. The world rushes by in a blur of sounds and colors. There are too many people and not enough cars on the road. Police and paramedics are there. One minute I was alone and the next they were there, trying to tell me to leave Sean’s side. They made promises that I’ve heard before, promises that a person can’t possibly keep. They say he’ll be fine, but I saw Sean fall and I know.

Memories of the past and the pres
ent collide together. I can’t even blink anymore. Hands force me down onto a gurney and I lean back. A woman is above me, speaking soothingly, but my heart pounds too hard to hear her.

Finally, h
er voice cuts through the buzzing in my mind. It’s my name, she says my name. The woman smiles at me and dabs my brow with a cloth. “You’re hurt, Avery. Let us help you and everything will be okay. Take some deep breaths for me.” She speaks with authority, like she knows me. I don’t remember telling anyone my name, but she knows it.

I nod slowly and stop fighting them. I’m so tense, so scared. I don’t know what will happen. Tears fall from the corners of my eyes and they won’t stop. I don’t sob or scream anymore. They ask me what hurts and I can’t tell them, because I don’t understand what’s happening to me. One moment I’m fine. One moment I’ve decide to walk away from Sean, to cut him out of my life, but then he does this.

“He saved me,” I manage to say. The ambulance is moving and I don’t even remember when the doors closed. The woman looks down at me. There are other faces watching, people I don’t recognize.

“Everything will be all right. Believe that.” The way she says it makes my head hurt. Suddenly
, I can feel things again. My palms burn and it feels like someone cracked my skull open with a bat. It throbs in a way that I’ve never known. I wince and they add some clear bag to the IV that someone put in my hand.

The rest of the night passes in a blur. I’m sent to the emergency room. People ask questions and I try to answer. I keep asking about Sean, but no one will tell me. I haven’t even seen him, yet. He arrived right before me
is all they will say. I have this horrible sinking feeling in my chest. I’m drowning, unable to stop.

“Miss
Stanz?” a voice says before entering behind my curtain. They’ve already tended to me. I have a few scrapes on my face and some stiches in my forehead. I’m lucky. I glance up at her. My hands still shake. My throat aches and I can’t speak. “Here are your boyfriend’s things. He doesn’t have an emergency contact or a next of kin on his file.” She explains to me and then hands me his torn jacket and busted up helmet. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

I take the items and hold them tightly. The nurse slips away and I wrap Sean’s jacket around me. Something inside the lapel pokes me. I reach my hand in and pull out an
envelope. It’s the one he was trying to give me. Sniffling, I pull it out and look at it. Running my thumb over the paper, I expect it to be smooth, but it’s not. There’s something else in there.

I open the envelope and look inside. There between the
envelope and the cash, is a silver glittering necklace and a note. My lower lip trembles as I pull out my mother’s necklace. I flip open the note.

I know how much this means to you. I wish I could show you what you mean to me. I messed up, Avery. You’ll never know how sorry I am, how much I wish I hadn’t said those words.

-Sean

I clutch the note to my chest and feel too much. I always feel too much. Horror slips over me, choking me until I can’t breathe. Slowly, I fall onto my side, holding his note to my chest like it’s a lifeline, like it can change everything.

Memories flash through my mind from the night my parent’s died. It was chaos, like this. It was pain and agony
, laced with shock and shadows. I couldn’t process what was happening, but now I know it—I feel it. My world is caving in. My life is being torn apart again and it’s my fault.

This is my fault.

If I’d let him speak, if I didn’t keep running away from him, this wouldn’t have happened. And it kills me, because that’s the point—this was preventable. If I’d spoken to Sean, I wouldn’t have driven into the intersection. I wouldn’t have run the light. I wouldn’t have made Sean cut in front of me. I wouldn’t have made him fall. Images of his body hitting the ground play through my mind. They don’t stop and I know they never will.