The Adventures of Phineas Frakture (24 page)

Episode
10

Phineas stared at Doctor Molondi in disbelief. “You have got to be joking,” he said again. “He’s a floating head!”

Beneath the cloak was nothing at all. Doctor Molondi’s head was resting on a collar which hovered in the air by way of several small fans mounted on the undercarriage. Without the cloak, several wires could be seen connecting what was left of the doctor’s spinal cord to the hover apparatus.

“I can see how you managed to stay one step ‘a-head’ of everyone all this time,” Phineas said.

“Silence! I will not be mocked by the likes of you!” yelled Molondi. “I am your future leader! Your sovereign!”

“Our ‘head of state’?” added William.

“Good one,” commented Abigail, snickering.

“Thank you,” William answered proudly.

Molondi spun around, his monocle focusing first on one and then on the other. “The new order is upon us! You will see! I shall rule—”

CLANG!

Molondi’s head went spiraling across the room in an arc. A scream of shock and confusion followed until he hit the far wall with a thud and then dropped to the floor, his collar non-functional.

William and Abigail looked over at Phineas, who stood holding a length of pipe that he had liberated from one of the machines.

“What? I was getting tired of listening to him. You would have done the same thing.” Phineas threw down the pipe. “Now, what’s worth three hundred dollars around here?”

“You’re going to loot the place now?” Abigail almost seemed shocked at the notion.

“Why not? He owes me, and he’s obviously not going to write me a check or dig through his pockets for change. So, I have to settle for the next best thing. Ooh…is that the new Chronogramic Radiator? I’ve been wanting one of those for months…but it only costs one hundred twenty…grab that, will you, William?”

“And…we’re just going to leave him lying there? Isn’t that a bit harsh?” asked Abigail.

Phineas stopped examining a gadget long enough to answer. “He
kidnapped
you. We’ll alert the police and they can come and put him in hand restraints…or put a ball and chain on his collar or whatever they do to bodiless criminals in this country. I really don’t care. This one should fetch two hundred on the market,” he added to William, indicating the gadget he still held.

“This just seems a bit anti-climactic to me,” William said. “Does anyone else think that this was too easy?”

From the far end of the room, Molondi began laughing, slowly at first and then faster and louder until his laughter reached a maniacal fervor.

“And there it goes. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“I hate that. Find some tape, would you, William?” Phineas tossed aside a plosive nutshell remover and continued digging through various apparatus.

“Did you really think that I could be stopped so easily?” Molondi’s mouth speaker boomed, louder than it had before. “Did you think that I wouldn’t have contingency plans in place for something like this?”

All three looked at each other and then at the large double doors where very loud footsteps could be heard approaching from the other side.

“William? Forget the tape and let’s get a bar on that door!”

“Way ahead of you,” William answered as he ran with the pipe that Phineas had used to bat Molondi’s head. He shoved it through the two handles just as something tried to push the doors open. The force flung William backwards, and he staggered a bit before catching his balance.

Molondi continued his laughter. “Come, my boy! Come to Daddy!”

“I think it’s time to go,” Abigail said.

“I agree,” Phineas and William both said together.

They collectively moved to the smaller door, but before they reached it, the double doors smashed open. An automaton twelve feet tall and half as wide came lumbering through the doorway. A giant smoke stack was protruding from its right shoulder, and its arms ended in large pincer claws. Its head swiveled from side to side, searching the room. It settled on Molondi’s position and moved over to the doctor, its footsteps shaking the room. With one hand, the automaton picked up the head, and with the other, it removed its own and tossed it aside. Carefully, it lowered Molondi’s head onto the now vacant neck and it clicked into place.

“Why is it never easy?” asked Phineas. “William…go get him.”

“I think not,” William said, pulling on the door handle to no avail.

Molondi continued to laugh. As he took control of his new body, he swung his arms, sending equipment flying in every direction. Phineas watched, broken-hearted, as the radiator was smashed to bits. Molondi began to charge towards them, but Phineas kept them rooted in front of the door.

“Are we going to do something?” asked Abigail, looking from Phineas to Molondi.

“Wait for it,” was all Phineas said, watching the oncoming mecha. Molondi picked up speed and, just as he was about to swipe his claw in their direction, Phineas yelled, “Move!”

All three broke away from the door, and Molondi realized that he had no room to stop; he was so intent on his prey. Molondi crashed through the doorway and took the surrounding masonry with it, leaving a gaping hole where the door had stood moments before.

“This way!” Phineas yelled, pointing to the double doors. They hurriedly crossed the room and went into the next. Phineas came to a sudden stop, and his jaw dropped. “Toys!” he said, gazing at the sight before him.

Inside, the room was a collection of vintage British and European vehicles ranging from a 1852 Romprocket to a ’77 Cobblegroover. His eyes fell on a Whitaker & Moncrief Mono-wheel, and he quickly checked the boiler and furnace. Both were full, so he pressed the self-igniter and sat down within the wheel.

“I’ll draw him off while you find a way out,” Phineas told them.

“You just want to play on that thing,” Abigail scorned.

“That too.” He hit the throttle and was sent into a loop within the stationary wheel. “Whoops, forgot the parking brake.” They heard Molondi’s footsteps coming back, and Phineas hit the throttle again. The wheel spun, sending smoke everywhere as it fought for traction on the stone floor and then finally took off as Molondi entered the room.

“That’s my mono-wheel!” Molondi shouted. He completely disregarded Abigail and William and took off in pursuit of the hijacked transport.

“What do you care? You can’t ride it anyway!” Phineas yelled back.

“Does this just seem all too surreal to you?” Abigail asked, watching the chase commence.

“Not really.” William heard the mono-wheel coming back through the room that they had been held in and, within moments, Phineas rolled by, turning the corner sharply and yelling something. “Did he just yell ‘yahoo’? Okay, this
is
getting a bit surreal.” Molondi charged past waving his arms. “He has been under a lot of pressure lately…and this thing with getting his money back has exceeded even his stinginess.”

“He’s been slowly cracking since the Dolonite affair,” replied Abigail. “It’s like he’s become obsessed with something, but I haven’t a clue what.” There was a screeching sound from down the hallway and they both looked that way. “Now what?” Shortly thereafter, Phineas returned coming in the opposite direction. After he passed, Abigail looked around and settled on the stanchions and rope surrounding the myriad of vehicles. “I’m getting tired of these games. Grab that long rope and let’s finish this.”

William unhooked the rope and followed Abigail to the doorway leading to the hall. She tied one end to the door handle and had William do the same with the other end on the opposite door. They closed the doors just enough to let the rope lie on the floor, then stood on either side of the door, waiting.

It wasn’t long until Molondi’s pounding footfalls approached. The huge pincers pushed open the doors, stretching the rope, which then caught his legs. The doors slammed back into Molondi as he became entangled, knocking him off balance, and then he plummeted face first onto the floor.

Abigail grabbed a stanchion and jammed it in between the hydraulics of Molondi’s legs, effectively shutting them down.

Phineas eventually pulled up in the wheel and turned off the engine.

“What happened here?”

“We did your job while you were joy riding,” Abigail retorted. “So, what do we do with him
now
?”

Phineas looked around the room and spied several mannequins that were posed next to the collection of vehicles. He walked over to them and removed the head from one of the female mannequins. Tossing it in his hand, he knelt down and unlatched Molondi from his chassis.

“Let’s make you look pretty for the officers and reporters.”

Molondi sighed as he realized his fate.

“That was cruel, even for you,” Abigail commented. They were already a half mile away from Molondi’s stronghold, which turned out to be an old castle outside of London’s north end.

“It will be a lesson learned for him,” Phineas said. “The authorities will pick him up, the press will plaster humiliating pictures of him all over the city, and no one will be afraid of him anymore. I still don’t see why he wanted to take over the world just because his body was blown to smithereens. The guy is obviously psychotic to want that in the first place. I mean, look at it, this world is a mess and people are fighting over who can make it worse. But the thing that I can’t believe is how, in all that stuff he has in that castle, there is nothing of value.”

“What about all those vehicles?” William asked.

“They were all junk. They might have looked nice, but they all ran like garbage. It would have cost more to restore them than they are worth. And why did the place look like it had been ransacked earlier?”

“Because I had already picked up my reward, mate,” said a voice from the side of the road.

“Griffin? Where have you been?” Phineas scooped up some dirt and tossed it in the air.

“Hey, watch it! You might give the lady a thrill if you get me all dirty. And to answer your question, I’ve been cleaning out the ol’ doc’s domicile while I was fulfilling my end of the bargain.” A canvas bag lifted off of the ground and then dropped with the clatter of silverware and coins. “So, do you want me to hit the switch or not?”

“Hit the switch?” asked Phineas, puzzled.

There was a click and a beep from a radio transmitter that was floating in the air, followed by a flash of light from Molondi’s castle.

“That…was a question, not a command.”

“Oops, sorry, mate. My bad.”

William looked at the crater where the castle had previously stood. “They were right…it does go ‘phht’.”

“I told you,” said Phineas.

Episode
11

Phineas looked around at all of the patrons waiting to be seated. Abigail had been begging to go to this restaurant since their departure from New York, and since this was their last day in London, he felt that he owed it to her to have at least one pleasant moment. This was supposed to be one of the finest dining experiences London had to offer. Phineas, however, was not inclined to such things; a meal was a meal, after all. He shifted uneasily in his chair, and William, who was sitting with him in the waiting area, finally broke the silence.

“She’s worried, you know.”

Phineas arched a brow. “Why’s that?”

“She has noticed how on edge you are lately…she knows that you are under some sort of stress…this trip just seems to intensify her suspicions.”

“This trip has been far from un-stressful, if you haven’t noticed. We get dragged under the ocean, fight squidmen, our hotel is blown up, we’re chased by a mutating doctor, vampires, bodiless doctors, have an invisible man for an accomplice…if we stay any longer, what is next, re-animated corpses? Was that us?” Phineas asked in response to a page from the maître d’.

“No, someone named Frankenstein. Look, if this is about me, then you need to take it easy. Why haven’t you told her about my condition? And where did vampires come in to all this?”

“That’s not important. And it’s not my place; she doesn’t need to worry about you as well. But it’s not only that. It’s about money.”

“Yes, we know. You’ve been obsessing about a refund since we got here. You need to let it go.”

Phineas sighed. “It’s not that. I…I don’t have any.”

“Then how am I getting paid?” asked William.

“Don’t worry about that. I have money…just not here. All of my spare cash was lost in Atlantis. I have no way to pay for our trip home, for the hotel, for this meal…or anything.”

William started to smile and then began laughing uncontrollably.

“It’s not funny, William. You’re stuck here too. We’ll be washing dishes soon.”

William reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a clip of money, and tossed it on the table. “You have plenty.”

“I will not accept charity.”

“You obstinate idiot. That’s
your
money.”

Phineas looked at him suspiciously. “Did you rob me in Atlantis?”

“No…that’s your money...courtesy of Mrs. Popkiss, of course. She knew something like this would happen, so she entrusted me with enough to make sure that we had a good time. I have to say that I gave you more credit than she did.”

“Curse and praise that woman,” Phineas spat, taking the money.

“Yes, what would you do without her?”

“I’d be washing dishes.”

“You wouldn’t know where to put the water,” Abigail’s voice said. Phineas looked up to see Abigail, dressed smartly in one of London’s new fashions. Trailing behind her, Constable Fuller was out of her usual uniform attire and wearing a similar outfit. “Look who I ran into at the dress shop.”

“Constable,” both Phineas and William said.

“It’s Inspector now, if you please,” she responded, showing off her new badge. “All thanks to you, of course.”

“Gee, promotions come quickly on the backs of foreigners around here. Where’s my reward?” Phineas asked. Abigail quickly smacked the back of his head as she crossed behind him to sit down.

“Oddly enough,” Fuller said, “Scotland Yard was preparing to post a reward for the capture of Molondi, but you stopped him just prior to its release. You not only saved the city, but the taxpayers hundreds of pounds as well.” Fuller smiled. “Thanks to you, the terror of Doctor Molondi is at an end, and you have the gratitude of the people. That’s something, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it?” Abigail echoed while smacking Phineas again.

“Yes! Ow! Will you stop that?”

“When you stop being so pompous.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, get a helmet,” Abigail said.

“Frakture! Party of three!” the maître d’ shouted as he walked through the lobby.

Phineas stood up. “Right here.”

“Care to join us, Arabella?” asked Abigail.

“Oh, no…I just need to give Phineas something and then be on my way.”

“Remember what I said,” Abigail reminded her as William pulled her along.

Fuller pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Phineas. “Look, our nations may be at odds, but we aren’t. I like you and you did us a service, so…I owe you one. I want you to be safe.”

Phineas looked at the paper. “What is this?”

“You’ll know when you see it.” She looked over at Abigail and William. “Ah, hell, I never liked playing it safe.” Fuller wrapped her arms around Phineas’ neck and kissed him on the lips. Her eyes went wide as she let him go. Then, shouting a quick ‘bye’, she ran out the door, followed by Abigail, who was wielding a pair of breadsticks.

“And this was supposed to be a nice day,” William said after Phineas joined him at the table.

“It never is,” Phineas said, picking up the menu. “The prime rib looks good.”

“Mmmm.”

Abigail returned, sat down, straightened her hair, and wiped some dirt from her face.

“Do you always have to be so dramatic?” asked Phineas.

“You realize that you missed your lecture,” Abigail retorted, munching on a fresh breadstick.

“Don’t look at me,” William said, dodging Phineas’ glare. “I’m on holiday.”

“That was the whole purpose of this trip! And no one bothers to mention that I had to be there?” Phineas had been ranting for close to an hour and a half as they rode in the carriage on their way to the airship depot. Abigail was nodding off, already blocking his voice from her consciousness.

“Why are we going this way?” interjected William, hoping to get a break. “According to the map, we are well out of our way and it has taken twice as long as it should.”

“These are the directions Fuller gave me. She said that she owed me one. I have no idea what she meant. She just said that she wanted me to be safe.”

“She owed you one? Send the Americans out to the middle of nowhere to die a horrible death is more like it. There’s nothing out here but fields and stone quarries.”

Phineas’ eyes widened as he looked out the window and suddenly pounded on the roof of the carriage. “Driver! Stop here!” he shouted and then bolted from the cab.

“Aw, I was just getting to sleep,” Abigail moaned. “What’s he doing now?  It better not be another bomb.”

William got out and helped Abigail down.
They followed Phineas, who was now standing near the edge of one of the
quarries.

“Oh my god,” Abigail said as she looked into the giant pit.

Below them was a facility hidden from sight by the crater. Row upon row of giant airships lined the bottom. All bore the crest of Brittania’s military.

“How many quarries have we passed so far?” asked Phineas.

“I don’t know, maybe six,” answered William.

“And how many ships would you estimate are down there?”

“My guess? About a hundred or so.”

“And if all these quarries have similar facilities…”

Abigail put her hand over her heart as if she could stop it from pounding so loud. “This is not good.”

“Thorne said that war was coming,” Phineas announced. “He was right. The war is
here
.” He then looked out to the western horizon as he picked up a rock and threw it over the edge. “The question now is…where is it going?”