The Accidental Mother (25 page)

Then she thought about exactly what Tess had just said.

“Their old school, in St. Ives?”

Tess leaned back in her chair. “Yes,” she said. “They won’t be going anywhere until this is all settled and the supervision order is lifted, but I ought to tell you it will be settled soon, Sophie. It could even be in the next couple of weeks. All being well, I think the girls will go back home to Cornwall with their father. And I think that will be the best thing for them.”

Sophie tried to imagine what it would be like to have her whole old, peaceful, ordered life back again. “But Bella hates him,” she said, deciding not to imagine such a restoration to civilization just then. “She really hates him, and you said it matters what the children want.”

Tess nodded. “It does,” she said carefully. “It does matter what the children want, but I don’t think Bella hates him, not really. She is hurt and angry and worried and confused. But she doesn’t hate him.” Tess smiled and, reaching over the desk, placed her warm, heavy hand over Sophie’s light, cold one, squeezing it for a moment. “I think that what you’ve done for the girls so far is wonderful, much, much more than I ever expected. You’ve brought Bella out of her shell, and I know that Izzy’s taking short trips in the car now. All that means so much to them. But there’s one thing you have to do, the only thing you can do really—you have to help Bella come to terms with what has happened. You have to help her make friends with her dad, and then Izzy won’t have to worry about who to be loyal to all the time. And perhaps while you’re at it, you could make friends with Louis yourself. It would be so much easier for the girls,” Tess added cautiously.

The shouts outside grew louder, and suddenly Tess’s office was filled with noise as the girls crash-landed into Sophie, giggling and laughing.

She grinned at them. “Ready, steady—go!” she shouted, and they were off again.

She turned back to Tess, her smile vanishing instantly. “But I mean, what about the reasons why Louis and Carrie split up? What about why he didn’t stay in touch with the girls? Doesn’t that matter at all?”

“It matters to you, I can see that. But families drift apart for all the wrong reasons every day. It’s a tragic fact. It’s up to people like me to try to make sure it doesn’t happen in the first place, or to try to repair it when it does. We have a really good chance to repair a family here, Sophie—to repair lives. And I have to admit that it is largely thanks to you. Louis is not a criminal, or an abuser. The kind of man he is now is what is important. The past doesn’t really matter anymore,” Tess said, echoing Louis’s words. “If I could just see that Bella and Louis were making progress together, I’d feel so much better,” she went on. “Then I think this terrible time of their lives would be over at last. I think they’d be able to start again. Will you help them? Because, I’ll be honest, I think that you’re the only person who really can.”

Sophie paused, feeling as if the pit of her stomach was filling gradually with heavy black stones. There was really only one thing she could say. “Of course I’ll help her,” she said. “I’ll help them both. I just want them to be happy.”

It was curious, Sophie thought, as she hurried the girls back to the flat for that day’s meeting with Louis, that
she
didn’t feel happier. Elated even. She had managed somehow through all the chaos to pull off quite a coup. She’d rescued the girls from foster care and kept a promise to Carrie, made her boss love her, and possibly even secured a promotion in the process. She had located the apparently perfect father more or less single-handedly and was now helping to restore the girls to family life, a family life in the place that they loved and called home. She should feel triumphant. In less than a month she’d have back her bed, she might well have a new job and much more shoe money than she could ever need—well, perhaps not that much—and she would have peace and quiet and all the time in the world to pluck her eyebrows and wax her legs and watch films featuring scenes of sex and violence. She could even start smoking properly again. She should feel ecstatic.

But she didn’t, she didn’t feel that way at all.

Maybe, Sophie thought reluctantly as she let the girls into the flat, it’s because I’m afraid of what I will feel when my “perfect” life is fully reinstated. Perhaps I’m afraid of being something I have always been but never allowed myself to think about before the girls came. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid of being alone—again.

This was probably why she called Jake, even though she had hardly thought of him since the last time they had spoken. He had told her to call him when she figured out what she wanted. Well, she knew one thing, she didn’t want her life to go back to the empty, impersonal routine it had been. She was loath to admit that her mother could be right about anything, but maybe she was right about this—Sophie did need someone in her life.

“I thought I wasn’t going to hear from you again,” Jake said, his voice neutrally pleasant. “I thought I’d blown it. I’m glad you called, Sophie, unless it’s to tell me it’s over!” He chuckled nervously.

“We haven’t even begun yet, Jake,” she said tentatively.

“Are we going to?”

“You know,” Sophie said with a smile, “you really should ask me what I think about the weather first and then something else general and meaningless before you plunge into all this important stuff.”

Jake laughed. “I just want to see you,” he said.

Sophie pushed the threatening echoes of loneliness firmly out of her mind and thought about the handsome, kind, thoughtful man who really seemed to care about her. She was sure he would fill the gap that would be left when the girls were gone. She was sure, if she put her mind to it, she could really care about him too. “I want to see you too,” she said.

“When?” Jake asked, all trace of neutrality gone.

“This evening?” Sophie said, wanting to see him suddenly quite badly.

“I’ll be there.”

“Three tickets to see…” Louis drew out the suspense to such an extent the Sophie thought Izzy might actually pop. “
The Little Mermaid on Ice
—this afternoon!” Izzy screamed and danced around the coffee table. Louis grinned at Sophie, so pleased with himself that he forgot to be frosty. “Although I’ve got to say that somehow sounds like animal cruelty to me, but still….”

Sophie found herself laughing and then stopped when she caught Bella’s expression. The six-year-old glared at her and then looked down at the three tickets Louis had fanned out on the coffee table. “No, thank you,” she said.

Sophie bent down a little and put an arm around her shoulders. “But it’s
The Little Mermaid.
You love
The Little Mermaid
!”

“There’s only three tickets,” Bella said.

Louis caught Izzy as she danced by and hoisted her onto his hip in one fluid movement.

“Ah, yes,” he said. “Look, Bella, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave Sophie out, it’s just, well, there were only three tickets left…”

Bella stared at him. “I’m not going unless Sophie can come.”

Sophie sighed and remembered what Tess had told her. “Well, perhaps I could buy another ticket at the door?” she suggested. Louis’s face fell, and she realized that he had just hoped if he suggested something he knew Bella would love, she might actually want to go with him and Izzy. But mainly him—without Sophie. He had been trying to move out of what he must have seen as an implacable stalemate.

“You won’t. It’s sold out now. I got those three from a scalper. Can you believe there are
scalpers
selling tickets to see
Mermaids on Ice
? What kind of world are we living in?” he said glumly. He sat down heavily on the sofa, and Izzy landed on his lap with a giggle. “Look,” he said. “You three take them and go, I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Before Bella could react, Izzy launched her protest. “Nooooooooo,” she wailed. “I want to go with Daddy, not Sophie! Bella,
please
come with us!
Please!
”

Bella looked at the tickets again, and at her sister in Louis’s arms. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I can’t.” She turned on her heel and walked steadily out of the room.

Sophie sat down next to Louis. “She really wants to go, you know,” she said. “
The Little Mermaid
is her favorite.”

“I know,” he said, clearly uncertain where Sophie was coming from. “Just not with me.”

“I don’t know. I think she wants to go with you. I think there’s something stopping her. It’s like she just said. She just can’t.”

Izzy climbed off Louis’s lap and fluffed her fairy skirt. “I need a poo,” she told them matter-of-factly and skipped out of the room.

Sophie thought for a moment and then looked at Louis. “I saw Tess today,” she said. “She told me you’re more or less up for father of the year.”

Louis look surprised, delighted, and then wary. “You mean—?”

Sophie nodded. “She says she thinks things will go your way as long as her report supports you. And I’m fairly sure she’s in love with you, so I don’t think you’re going to have to worry on that score.” Sophie thought of Tess’s advice. “Look, Louis—we have to clear the air between us. Carrie was my best friend. Even though I didn’t see her that much, I never thought there’d be a day when I’d never be able to see her again. I loved her, and I suppose I’ve been trying to defend her still, which means sometimes I’ve been a bit out of order with you. I wanted to know what went wrong and why she didn’t tell me.” Louis began to talk, but Sophie stopped him. “I wanted to know for Carrie’s sake, and Bella’s, but mainly—for me. I thought I was her best friend. But when it came to the crunch, she didn’t talk to me, she didn’t tell me anything. Maybe just because I didn’t ask her and because I didn’t care enough to notice. I want to be a friend to the girls and…and you. I’m sorry I was so prickly to begin with. I’ve been feeling bad myself, but I’m trying to look at the big picture now. So.” Sophie offered him a tentative smile. “Can we start again?”

Louis’s face relaxed and opened into a smile. “Of course,” he said, with a rush of warmth. “God, I’d love that.” There was a moment’s silence as each of them tried to work out how to adjust their tenuous relationship to a more friendly one.

“I miss her too, you know,” Louis said after a while, and it took Sophie a second to realize he was talking about Carrie. “I can’t believe that she’s dead. She was so…” He paused, struggling to find the right words. “She was such a force of nature, she seemed invincible. And I still cared about her, you know, I still hoped that she finally got what she wanted, that everything worked out as she’d planned.” He looked down. “I really wish she was here now.”

For the first time Sophie got an inkling that perhaps it wasn’t Louis who had walked out on Carrie. Perhaps, just perhaps, Carrie had sent him away. But why, when she had told Sophie often enough that he was the love of her life? There were so many questions Sophie wanted to ask him, but she had no intention of making the same mistake twice. Instead she would let her truce with Louis hold and strengthen. There were other, more important things to think about now.

“You go to
The Little Mermaid,
” she told Louis. “Go and take Izzy with you. I’ll stay with Bella. Perhaps I can try to talk her round.”

“Don’t you think I might kidnap Izzy or something? What about having to stay with us?” Louis asked, looking up at her with that effortlessly intense gaze that he managed so well.

It took Sophie a moment to find her voice. “No,” she said, finally managing to speak. “If you’d been taking both of them, I might have worried, but I know you wouldn’t go without Bella.”

“You’re right,” he said. “I wouldn’t leave my Bellarina—not again anyway.” He gave a mirthless laugh and glanced out the window at the afternoon sky glowering darkly over the rooftops. “I used to take her for a walk every day after work. I worked the early shift at the printer’s so I’d be home by five. Every day we’d go for a walk except if it was snowing or really cold. When she was a tiny baby, it was to give Carrie a break, and then as she got bigger, just because we wanted to.

“In the summer I’d wheel her in her pram along the cliff walk and we’d look at the birds and the sun on the sea. In the winter I’d take her past the beach up the hill opposite the town and we’d watch the light glittering against the sky and try to count the stars. When we got back, she’d draw what we’d seen for Carrie while I made her tea. She never got to bed till well past seven, but it didn’t matter. Carrie said it didn’t matter, because it was more important that we had our special time together, that we had a chance to be friends.”

Louis paused and swallowed. “Bella was my best friend. We learned something new together every day.” He slumped back in the chair. “I blew it, didn’t I? I didn’t really stop to think about anyone but myself, I know that now. I’ve known it for a long time. I just wish I could make her understand how much I’ve missed her. How sorry I am.”

Sophie nodded. “I know.”

“Really?” Louis asked.

“I think I’m beginning to,” she said.

They watched each other for a moment in the half-light, and Sophie wondered if Louis was seeing her in the same way she was seeing him. As someone she had really only met about four or five minutes ago.

“Right.” Izzy reappeared with her raincoat on over her fairy dress. “I’ve finished my poo, and I did
most
of it in the toilet!”