Tangled Dreams (24 page)

Reading it as he wrote I just wanted to spill my guts to him on how very much I love him.  “That’s sweet Gavin.” Shutting the book in my lap with his arms wrapped around me again. “Now starts a new tradition.” I said with new found hope in my voice. “You promise you will write in it once in a while?”

“I promise. Just as long as you want me to.”

“Good. I’ll treasure it forever.”

“You ready to watch movies?” Asking not wanting to get up, knowing having her this close would soon be over. Soon I would most likely be replaced with Clay and it killed him inside just thinking about it. Lifting her up and setting her on the bed beside him he walked over and put in a movie. Coming back to the bed to sit down with her she slid beside him and laid back into his pillows. And the only thing he could think of was how her smell was now going to be on his pillows and it was hard enough sleeping at night. What is one more torture? Thinking reluctantly. “If your hungry as you can see you have a lot to pick from.”

“I’m alright for now. You can go ahead if your hungry.”

“Nah, I’m good.” He said leaning back on the pillows beside me. “You cold?” He asked noticing she was curled up in a tight ball.

“A little.” Reaching down he pulled up a blanket and put it on top of me. “Thank you.” I said watching every movement he made. He was so graceful in everything he did. Athletes always seemed to be more graceful in everything. Of course I wasn’t so lucky.

“You okay now?” Asking still concerned leaning back beside her shutting off the lamp for the full effect of the movie night. Leaving them in darkness with the only light coming from the TV and the twinkling lights he had strung up. He looked so handsome sitting here staring at the TV with the lights bouncing off his face. Once in a while he would smirk or laugh quietly. Finally building up my courage I did what I wanted to all night long. Be damned with the consequences. Leaning in closer to him I took his arm and put it around my shoulders, staring into each others eyes. I could see the confusion on his face. Snuggling in close to his side I laid down next to him putting my arm around his stomach in a tight embrace. Besides it’s not like we haven’t been here before and we made it through and are still friends. Laying here listening to his heart beat I could have stayed here all night easily. Actually I could have stayed here indefinitely. Tonight I’ll spend this time with the one I love, and tomorrow will go back to normal. Sadly. I might as well enjoy this while I can. How often does someone do something so nice for me? I told myself trying to find justification for going back on my promises to myself. I knew I was just making it inevitably harder for me and both of us, for that matter and it wasn’t fair. However, I’ve learned life rarely is. If there is one thing mom has taught me over and over again, it is that. Deciding that this was my most favorite place in the world I closed my eyes and drank up the moment. The butterflies never seem to stop fluttering in my stomach when he is close to me. The night was winding down and neither one of us wanted it to end. We kept putting in movie after movie, only pausing to get something to eat and drink. I always made sure I ended up back in his arms after every break. He didn’t seem to have any problem with that. He never pushed me, he always waited until I made the move towards him, then he would put his arms around me.

Last time I looked at the clock it was 4 am. And now I’m waking up alone in my own bed. Looking out the windows I knew it was early and I could hear Kayla and Kylie yelling for everyone to get up because Santa came. The clock read  7 am. and I knew I got hardly any sleep at all. I could still smell the scent of Gavin on my clothes and I wished I were still in his room with him. Realizing he must of carried me in to my own room sometime after I passed out. I didn’t even get a chance to thank him. Smiling to myself last night felt like a wonderful dream. But it wasn’t a dream, it was reality. Making this Christmas so special for me.  Willing my eyes open, I quite literally rolled myself out of bed and hurriedly ran myself down to the second floor for a quick shower. Now, dreading this part. Everyone sitting around the tree like family, happy, laughing, and me feeling uncomfortable and out of place. I wish I could stay in my room but, I knew aunt Julia would never allow it.

Stepping out of the shower I could hear the girls running down the hallway knocking on the door.

“Madison! Madison! Come on. You almost ready?” I could hear the girls yelling in excited voices.

“I’m coming.” I called out as I wrapped a towel around myself. Opening up the door and running into Gavin who turned yelling at the girls to quit running and to go downstairs and wait patiently for a change.

“Oh Gavin. I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.” I said with water still dripping down my skin to much in a hurry to dry off very good knowing uncle William would kill me if he seen me walking around in a towel instead of a robe. Forgetting it upstairs in my sleepy haze. I felt Gavin’s penetrating gaze look down and into my eyes.

“Did you have fun last night?” Asking with tired eyes and a yawn.

“Yes I did.” Smiling trying to show him my appreciation.

“You look tired Maddie. Beautiful, but tired.”

“Thanks Gavin.” I said blushing. “Thank you for getting me back in bed last night. I guess I passed out on you.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I don’t mind.” Smiling widely.

“Well, thanks again.” I said reaching up on my tip toes and wrapping my one free arm around his neck with my other hand clutching my towel tightly closed pulling him in for a hug. Pulling back “Sorry, I’m soaked and I better get going before Uncle William sees me.” I said hurrying off as quickly as possible and back up the steps not breathing again until I hit my bedroom door. Knowing I was growing weaker every moment I was around him. Finding it harder to convince my self that he doesn’t have some of the same feelings for me. Getting dressed I hurried downstairs and quickly ran into the living room where everyone was sitting and waiting. Kayla and Kylie were already on the floor separating all the presents and placing them by each person.

“Madison your pile of presents is right there.” Kayla said pointing towards the couch were Gavin was sitting back, slouched down with his eyes shut. But, it didn’t faze the girls any, they just kept piling on his lap. When his lap wouldn’t hold anymore they started piling at his feet. Oblivious to the fact of him dozing in and out of consciousness. Taking the seat next to him I just wanted to wrap my arms around him. Ffighting the urge, I nudged him awake instead. Jumping like I shot him he sat up and rubbed his eyes yawning. Laughing softly to myself. He turned and winked at me. Finally the presents were passed out and the girls ripped in to them with paper flying in every direction. It was like a tornado hit the living room. I was glad it made me feel less nervous knowing all the attention was on them. Opening my presents, aunt Julia got me clothes. She always has such great taste. Thank goodness. But, the truth is I’d be happy with hand me downs. She even got me cute decorations for my room she said to make it feel more like my own. Leaning back I was enjoying watching everyone else examine their new gifts when Gavin handed me another one. At this point Kayla and Kylie were on Uncle Williams and Aunt Julia’s lap having them cut open their presents and putting batteries in them.

“Gavin what is this? You already gave me presents! This is too much.”

“Calm down Maddie. It’s no big deal.” Squeezing my hand gently.

“Just open it. It’s for your room.”

Opening it up it was a pretty antique picture frame. Flipping it over to look at the front, in the middle of the frame there was a picture of Gavin and I. We were sitting on the porch swing together looking at each other and laughing with Gavin’s hand up on my face brushing my hair back. It was a beautiful picture and I was wondering who took it. I obviously wasn’t aware of it being taken. Thinking it was probably aunt Julia that took it. It was black and white and looked like it was made especially for that frame. But, the best part of the picture was the way we were looking at each other in the picture. You could see it in our faces. The way we were leaning in towards each other laughing, him touching my face. It was so obvious. We were so completely in love in that picture. It was obviously taken in the summer and unfortunately things have changed. I pushed him away since then. But, the way I have felt for him hasn’t changed. If anything it has grown stronger. Looking at him I had tears in my eyes which made me all the more thankful no one was paying attention to us. “Oh Gavin, it’s beautiful. I’ll cherish this forever.” I said hugging it close.

“It’s nothing.” He said looking down almost embarrassed now.

“It’s not nothing. It’s perfect. You have no idea. All the presents you have given me are so perfect. But, this. This is exactly how I picture you when I think of you. Just like this. Laughing and being cute.”

Looking back up at me. “So you think of me?”

Smiling, now my turn to be embarrassed. “Occasionally.”

“Well occasionally is better than never.” He said smiling back.

“I mean it. Thank you Gavin.” Squeezing his hand again and pulling it back before someone seen us. Namely uncle William. Tucking it in between my pile of clothes for safe keeping. I leaned back against the couch to watch the girls. It’s amazing how every time I’m close to him I am so aware of him no matter what I’m doing or what I’m concentrating on he is always on the fore front of my mind. Even right now sitting back beside each other touching arms it’s all I can think about.

“So you have a good Christmas?” He asked still staring forward.

“As good as it can be without my parents.”

“What was your favorite part so far?” Asking simply just for conversation.

“You.” 

Almost stuttering in astonishment, “Me. Well what part?”

“Every part.” I said honestly. “Thanks for making it special, when you didn’t have to.”

“Your welcome.”

After all the presents were demolished through and there was wrapping paper strewn about everywhere. Everyone went in to help make breakfast while Gavin and I stayed behind to clean up the after math. By the time we were done we filled two garbage bags and he quickly ran our present upstairs while I finished picking up. Sitting back down on the couch we decided we had done our job for the day and let everyone else make breakfast. Sitting here I really didn’t know what to say. It’s funny how sometimes I can chatter on and on to him incessantly and then other times I sit there in a quiet stupor unable to form any syllables or sentences of any kind. He’s just so beautiful I could sit around all day just staring at him. Not saying one word, just staring.

Leaning in towards her, “Maddie, what are you thinking?” He asked staring into my eyes with concern.

Sighing, “I really don’t know. Mixed emotions I suppose.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well happiness, because you made this such a great Christmas for me. Sadness also because I miss my family and friends and home so much. Then I also feel guilt because I feel so happy right now.”

Looking at her confused. “Why would you feel guilty?”

“Well, I’m happy right now just being here with you but I wouldn’t be here if my father hadn’t of passed away. I feel like I shouldn’t be happy without him.”

“Oh, Maddie do you really think your dad would want you sad all the time because he’s gone?” Trying to make her see reason.

“I know it’s irrational. But, sometimes feelings are not rational.”

“I understand that all to well.” Leaning in close to me.

“Gavin we can’t.” I whispered so low I couldn’t even hear myself say it. When our lips touched I couldn’t move it felt so good. He was so warm and every time he touches me I lose all self control. Another good reason for avoiding him. Every time he does kiss me or touch me I promise myself that, that will be the last time. And every time even if it takes a while I break that promise. Realizing one day very soon I’m going to have to grow up and let him and me move on. Separately. But, right now I couldn’t resist running my fingers through his hair and holding on while he explored me with his mouth. Hearing a noise I tried to pull away but it was to late. Uncle William had already seen us.

“What the hell do you think your doing?”He asked standing there fuming. Suddenly he didn’t seem so short anymore and he seemed a hell of a lot more intimidating. We both stood up in stunned silence while aunt Julia walked in to see what all the commotion was and immediately sent the girls up to their room.

“William what is going on?”

“Our son and that girl was kissing. What the hell do you two think you are doing? You stay away from my son! Your just a little slut just like your mom aren’t you?” His eyes blazing in anger. Gavin marching forward to defend my honor. Aunt Julia standing there stunned with her hands over her mouth.

“Your mother ruined my brother and now your doing it to my son. Well, I sure the hell am not going to let It happen. I would sooner throw you out.”

“William stop it.” Julia said trying to calm the situation down.

Turning on Julia, “It’s you and my mom’s fault. She wouldn’t even be here if you two hadn’t ganged up on me. I would have never agreed. She’s not even blood related to us.” Suddenly just realizing what he let fly out of his mouth.

“What do you mean I’m not related?”

“I mean my parents adopted your dad. Oh he was their favorite. He couldn’t do anything wrong. That is not until your mother came along and then he betrayed his whole family. My parents took him in and gave him a life. For what? Nothing!”

Standing here I could feel myself shaking. How could my mother do this to me? She knew this. This may be my dad’s family but, they obviously have hard feelings toward him now knowing he was adopted. And one thing is for sure they hated my mother. Gavin got right into his face shouting back at him about how he was adopted to and how that shouldn’t matter. The room was soon under complete chaos with aunt Julia trying to break it up. So, it was really no surprise when I was able to slip out with no one even noticing. Mad at myself for not defending my self to that pompous ass. But, it was just to much to take right now. My whole life felt like a lie. Everything I’ve believed in, and everything I’ve come from has all been lies. Running up the stairs as fast as I could, the tears streaking down my cheeks. Not knowing exactly what I was doing until I had a bag out and had everything packed. The first thing I grabbed was the picture of Gavin and I, throwing it in the bag. Grabbing clothes and my stash of money and of course all my presents from Gavin I quickly stuffed everything in. Seeing the journal he got me I stuffed that one in also. Retrieving the one that daddy gave me I opened it up and quickly put in a clean page and set it on the bed to write him a note. He wouldn’t understand but I have to say goodbye. I owe him that much. Quickly scribbling before anyone noticed my absence.