The agency I work for could be classified as a ‘boutique agency’ which is unusual for the insurance industry. We cater to the higher-end homeowner offering them an atmosphere which they are accustomed to being in while catering to all of their needs. It is posh and modern with a vintage twist and very upscale with deco furniture set in lovely Victorian details and embellishments. It’s on one of the most beautiful streets of Wilmington in a smaller historic mansion. Monday morning came around too fast. I have an appointment this afternoon with a couple who just purchased a new home in the exclusive Landfall community. I’m finishing up the quotes I’m preparing for them when I get a text from Marco.
Hi baby. I hope your day is good and you’re thinking of me.
(I smile)
, I’m having a shitty morning. Call me when you get a chance and make me smile. M
We had a nice conversation last night and he’d asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him but I made an excuse that I had to catch up on some things before the week started. I needed some time to try and sort out my feelings for him. Was it just sexual? And if it was I wanted to focus on that. But I would be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that it was more. He makes me feel alive, appreciated and wanted. I think about him all the time, I miss him from deep down inside myself. And when I blew him off last night the pain I felt was heard in the disappointment in his voice when he said he understood. But to be honest I don’t know what he wants or expects from me, if anything. I still have that nagging quiet little voice telling me there is something about him that’s he’s not telling me, a secret of his own. When I leave for lunch I’ve forgotten about the secret I think he’s hiding and I give him a call.
“Hi baby!” He genuinely sounds happy to hear from me.
“Hi yourself. What are you wearing?” It’s so good to hear his voice.
He laughs, “I’m wearing a light blue shirt and dark grey slacks. What about you?”
“A black pencil dress and heels.”
“And?”
Giggling I ask, “And what?”
“What’s underneath?”
“Pink bra and lace panties.”
“You made me smile. But no matter what you do you make me smile. Oh, I bought you present, baby.”
“Marco, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you. What is it?” I’m sure he can hear the giddiness in my voice. No one’s bought me a present in so long that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to get one, the last present I received was from my father a couple of years ago. I feel excited but at the same time apprehensive, I can’t imagine what it could be.
“It’s a surprise. I can’t wait to give it to you.” He sounds just as excited as I feel.
I tease him, “Will I like it?”
“I’m sure you’ll love it.” His answer slides over my skin like his tongue, his deepening tone makes me tingle. I close my eyes trying to picture what it could be.
“I look forward to its presentation then. So what made your day so shitty?”
He lets out a huge sigh. “Someone hacked into my personal email account and wiped it clean. There were a lot of important contacts on there but I’m more concerned with privacy. He also installed a shit load of viruses that just about shut down the system.”
Alarm bells start going off in my head as a feeling of dread washes over me. How did this happen, how could Santino have found out about Marco? There is nothing in black and white that links us together, no trails, nothing. I know it’s him, this is his MO exactly.
“Elizabeth, are you there?”
“That’s terrible. Do you know who it is?” I try to keep my voice calm trying not to let my anxiety show.
“No, the IT guy is taking care of it so everything should be fine. It’s just a matter of transferring data now to replace what was lost and cleaning up the system.”
Feeling slightly relieved I say, “Good, I’m glad you can get it taken care of easily. I’m sorry.” If what is happening is what I think it is he has no idea how really sorry I am.
“You didn’t do anything, no need to be sorry. It’s more of a major headache, I hope, than anything else. As long as nothing else comes of it, everything will be fine.”
Fuck. That is EXACTLY what I’m worried about. Santino starts his shit just like this every time. He hacks my accounts just about every other month wiping out my emails and contacts and I’ve even tried opening new accounts but somehow he finds out about those as well. He’s hacked into my Facebook account and sent indecent photos he’s taken of me while we Skyped to some of my contacts including the nurse, Collin. Collin called me as soon as he got them to let me know. He knew I was embarrassed but he only laughed and said, ‘Hey, I liked them, the guy has no idea how much of a freak I am. I wanted to tell him to send me more but he blocked me.’ I can’t help it, I like the guy, he’s real and doesn’t care if anyone gets offended by it and I think it’s admirable.
“This is not the best way to start a week.” I try to continue my casual tone.
“Yes, but envisioning you in those panties and bra in your stockings and heels takes my mind off all of that. I’m getting hard just thinking about you, baby, and it’s not the first time I’ve gotten hard thinking about you, imagining you lying on my desk and all of the things I’d like to do to you. You’re going to have to come visit me at my office and let me kiss your lips on my desk before I bury myself inside of you.” I can hear his arousal in his voice.
The image flashes in my mind of me open wide for him on his desk as he does exactly what he said. The heat of desire makes my groin pulse and I catch my breath.
He hears it. “You’re getting wet, Elizabeth. I want to come and fuck you hard and fast right now.” His voice is low and gravelly with need.
“I can’t, Marco.” My emotions are so conflicted the words come out in a creak.
“Oh?” He’s shocked, I can hear it.
Shit. I need space. I need time apart from him to figure out what’s happening and I can’t do that with him seducing me and me wanting him to. I should have never let myself get in this far, I am so stupid. If it’s Santino, I know I’ll hear from him very soon, that’s his pattern. If nothing else, he’s predictable. Every time it’s the same thing. He hacks, sends emails, then I cut things off and he stops. He’s terrorizing me, and I let him. Why? Why have I continued to feed into this abusive cycle? I keep telling myself it’s my fault, I did this to him, I made everything happen. And I keep myself in the same position still giving him control over me.
Searching for a good excuse I say, “I have a meeting with some clients that I’ve been preparing for. It could be a big account.” It’s true but he doesn’t know I have two hours until I sit down with them.
“Then I guess I’ll have to wait.” There is a pause. “Elizabeth?”
“Yes, Marco?” I have to get away, I feel the panic beginning to rise in me.
“I missed you yesterday. And this morning. And now.”
“I miss you, too, Marco.” I scrunch my eyes together as my fingers go to my temples trying to stop the feeling of a stress migraine rearing its ugly head. It’s the same reaction every time.
“I have to go, Marco. I hope the rest of your day is better. Bye.”
“What is it, Elizabeth?”
“Nothing, why?” Please, just let me go, I hate lying.
“Don’t give me that shit, I can read you like a book. What the fuck is wrong?” His arousal has turned into frustration because he knows I’m lying.
The breath I didn’t know I was holding comes out heavy. “Nothing is wrong. I just have to go.” I need to get him at a distance, both figuratively and physically, and keep him there.
“Don’t lie to me. Tell me now.” His voice is stern and I can hear his anger. He knows what I’m doing and it hurts him.
“There’s nothing to tell, Marco. I’ll talk to you later, have a good afternoon.” I hang up. I can picture him staring at the phone being totally pissed off and wanting to throw it against the wall. I wonder if he does. Shit, I should never have let it get this far. Now he’s been dragged into my mess. I was a fool to think I had time.
Its 4:00 and I’m beginning to relax. The meeting with the new clients went well, better than I could have hoped for considering what a ball of nerves I was after finding out Santino knows about Marco and worrying about what’s coming next. I’d started to rationalize things by telling myself, ‘This could be a complete coincidence and I’m worrying for nothing’. My phone dings with a new message. Nervousness starts to fill me but I push it aside thinking, ‘It’s probably Janie for yoga tonight’. I open the message and am instantly sucked into a bottomless vortex spiraling into hysteria.
Hi baby. Been having a lot of fun lately after you ruined my life? I warned you and you didn’t listen. This was only the beginning, you fucking whore. I’m going to destroy you like you did me.
Panic floods me. How could Santino find out? There was nothing that could lead me to Marco. My mind is on overdrive thinking of how to stop anything more he can do and trying to figure out what he’s going to do next. How did he find out? I’d never let things get to this point with anyone else after Santino so I don’t have a situation to compare it to. If he truly knows everything about Marco and me Santino is capable of anything. This thing with Marco ends now. Not only to protect myself but Marco even more.
I’m worthless as tits on a man the last hour at work. Carol pokes her head in my office and asks me, “Everything alright, sugar?”
I plaster a fake smile on my face and answer brightly, “Absolutely, just happy about the appointment this afternoon.”
She smiles tentatively, “Yes, that was excellent, you did good, kid. But I think you’re full of crap. I’m here when you’re ready to talk. Go home, kiddo.” And she saunters out. Suddenly I’m jealous of her, jealous of her normal life and being able to go home to her husband who obviously adores her, jealous of being able to enjoy the good and bad in a normal relationship. I watch her leave, hoping it doesn’t get to a point I do need someone to talk to.
Marco’s left me two messages by the time I walk into the yoga studio at 6:50. I didn’t call Janie. I need this time alone to unwind and clear my head and calm down. Yoga is the best thing I can do to accomplish that. I need to get a grip on everything that is beginning to spiral out of control and figure out how to stop it before it explodes.
Call me Elizabeth
5:30
Something is wrong, talk to me
6:00
There’s two more by the time I leave the studio at 8:00.
Please talk to me
7:00
Did I do something? Talk to me
7:30
My heart is breaking but I have to do this. I can’t see him anymore.
When I get home I text him. I’m such a coward I can’t even call him and do this.
It’s been great Marco. But it’s over.
If that’s not cold then I don’t know what is. My phone rings immediately. Knowing it’s better to get this over with now rather than prolonging it any further, I answer the call.
“Hi Marco.” I try to keep any emotion from my voice and hide my breaking heart. No, my heart is being ripped out of my chest but I’m kept alive so I can feel every excruciating facet of the pain that consumes me.
“What the fuck do you mean it’s over?” He is irate and has every right to be. We have been lovers, intimate in the most beautiful way. He’s not an idiot and knows everything that has happened is related.
“It’s over Marco, I don’t want to see you anymore.” I’m such a lying sack of shit.
He sighs heavily, probably trying to control his anger. “I don’t know what’s going on here, Elizabeth.” I can hear the rage simmering below his calm even tone. “It’s seems like it has something to do with what happened with my computer this morning but you need to tell me. I deserve that much.”
My shoulders hunch in defeat. “Marco, you deserve so much more than that and you definitely don’t deserve the package that is me. So let’s cut this off now before either one of us has too much invested.”
“It’s a little too fucking late for that, Elizabeth, and you know it!”
I cringe at the force of emotion in his voice.
He sighs trying to control himself again.
“Look, I’m sorry for yelling it’s just your making me crazy. I don’t know what’s going on, my day has gone from bad to fucking hell just like that and I don’t know why. Let me come over and we can talk, just talk if that’s all you want.”
That’s not all I want. I want all of him. Now and for as many tomorrows as I can get. But I have to stop this and I have to let him go to make that happen. Before fixing it becomes impossible.
“No, Marco. And please…stop calling me.” There goes the final twist of the knife in my heart and it hurts. I have to hold back a sob.
There’s silence. I listen to his breathing as my heart is being wrenched from my chest. This man I could love happily, worshipping him beyond my last my breath. And I know that I will, no matter what.
“You don’t mean that, Elizabeth.” The anger in his voice has been replaced by pain because he knows I’m continuing to lie to him and that is unforgiveable.
I exhale sharply trying to grasp the last bit of my strength.
“Yes, I do. Be well, Marco. You are an amazing man. And thank you, you don’t know all that you’ve done for me. Bye.” The last word is a whisper as I hang up. I clench the phone in my hand as the sobs wrack my body and grief pummels me.
I am a zombie the rest of the week just going through the motions. The world has lost its color and it seems like it’s covered in a gray dismal hue. I rely on outer forces to help me function moment by moment. I did do something productive and called a lawyer although it’s probably too late to salvage what could have been between Marco and I. Sometimes the greatest sadness is for things that never were rather than what was lost.
I decide it’s time to make a weekend trip to my brother’s house in the mountains. Being with his kids is just the distraction I need and comfort to my broken heart. I haven’t heard from Marco at all. Why should I? I told him to stop calling me. He’s not a man that lowers himself to begging. And I insulted him by not being honest. I just couldn’t, I was too humiliated.
Once I exit off I40 the scenery changes from the flat straight roads of the coastal area to one of rolling hills with smooth winding curves. I’m not far enough into the mountains and it’s still too early in the season to see the brilliant reds from the changing of fall foliage but the roads are lined with mixes of golds and greens. Cyclones of dried leaves swirl suspended in one spot as if they are a living entity. I watch the dance, almost expecting it to take flight like a flock of birds. I affectionately call this place Redneckville. Every few miles there are homemade signs on the roadside that vary from ‘Jesus is coming’ to ‘Deer corn for sale.’ This place used to have a lot of manufacturing but that died a tragic death once it was moved overseas. Now I think the Pepsi Cola and Philip Morris plants are the only things that keep the area alive, drinking and drugs being favorite past times of a lot of locals. But it’s beautiful here reminding me a lot of where my brother and I grew up, a big difference is here they have the red clay dirt like in Gone With the Wind and ours was just plain brown.
I come out of the shower at my brother Rays house in sweat pants and a sweat shirt, my lips a little blue.
“Jesus, Ray, You still haven’t fixed that hot water heater?!” I don’t know if they have a burnt out element or if the tank’s too small but the hot water dies about 5 to 10 minutes into a shower. Not the best thing to experience first thing in the morning.
Ray looks at me with an embarrassed boyish smile.
“Hahahaha! Freeze your ass off, Liz?”
“You’re the ass! Sometimes I think you get some kind of sick satisfaction from that.” I glint my eyes at him feigning annoyance.
“It
is
funny. But I’ve been so busy with finishing Alexis’ room and everything else.......I guess I forgot about it. It’s always been like that so it’s normal to us,” he finishes, shrugging his shoulders.
This is what a normal life is supposed to be, dysfunctional, crazy, busy, but love and family. Melancholy tries to seep in but I refuse to let it, I won’t let it threaten my few days of escape from its ever present company.
“How are things anyway, bro?” I sit and join him at the farm style table in front of the huge window overlooking the backyard and trampoline. My hands wrap around my cup of tea as we have a brief moment of closeness between us, I take advantage of these infrequent times of just him and me.
“Good. You know, I still hate my job but everything’s good.” His smile and lack of words speak volumes.
“Yeah, I know,” I say as both of us drift off in our minds to what our own visions of happily ever after was supposed to be. No one warned us what being a grown-up was really like although our childhood would not have been considered normal by most people.
He’s turning his coffee cup in his hands as the playfulness leaves his face.
“Santino contacted me.” It’s almost a whisper and I see the discomfort in his expression.
“You’re kidding me? I’m sorry he bothered you, Ray.” Guilt fills me again.
“No, don’t, it’s no big deal.” He slowly lifts his gaze to me with questions in his eyes. “Is he still here, Liz?”
My jaw drops at the absurdity of the question. He has no idea of what went on during Santino’s time here, just what happened between Adrianna and my dad. When I was in my hell and I needed someone to help me he turned his back on me, cutting me out. It’s only recently we’ve been able to get back that closeness we shared growing up, the two of us inseparable a lot of the times. Even when we were young adults we confided in each other, spending nights getting drunk and joking around. One night in particular sticks out in my mind about a lamp of a sailor, we called him Ahab, coming to life and killing us in our sleep. We scared the shit at of ourselves so badly we had to get rid of the lamp in our drunken stupor that night. It was about 2:00 AM and we were arguing on where to dump it, that memory still makes me laugh to this day.
“Of course he’s not! Damn, Ray, what does everyone think? That I’ve got him locked away somewhere and I take him out to play with him whenever I want?”
He can’t help but laugh at that.
“I’m sorry, I know. But that guy is a master of manipulation,” and looking right into my face he continues, “and you know it.”
I let out a heavy sigh, struggling with my own thoughts. “Yes, I know that better than any of you ever will. But you’ve got to be open with me so I can feel safe knowing I can trust you.”
“Common Liz, you know that you can with anything. The past is the past and we have to leave it there. I just ignored him, not giving him the satisfaction of letting him think that anything he had to say was of any importance.” He lays his hand on mine, a comforting gesture, making me feel secure. Something I needed.
“Daddy, the boys took my Kindle and won’t tell me where it is!” Alexis tiny little girl voice comes from around corner before she does.
Alexis is Rays youngest child and she’s got him wrapped around her little finger, truly daddy’s little princess. She comes into the kitchen and squirms up on his lap with her bedhead and pouty lips.
“Alright, baby, let’s go take care of those mean big brothers of yours.”
I can’t help but smile at the innocent scene of power play between a daughter and her father, my heart breaking for something so powerfully beautiful that I’m sure I’ll never have.
The weekend helped with my brother and his family. I love the fall air up there and children always bring life to the walking dead. When I get home to my apartment the quiet and solitude that I usually relish falls heavily on me like a prison door.
Tuesday I’m still in mourning. I’ve barely eaten anything and I can’t stop crying and it shows in my swollen eyes. I sleep for shit and it makes me look hollow and gaunt, although makeup helps a little but it can’t put life back into my eyes. Carol has tried to coax me into telling her what’s wrong, even our little game doesn’t make me laugh anymore. Sometimes the mundane is a precious gift. It lends to normalcy forcing one to participate in this thing called life. Life. The thing that we experience on a day to day basis, getting up, doing what we do during the day, paying bills, eating, sleeping. If it wasn’t for the sun and the clock, I would be lost.
About 11:00 I hear the alert that someone has walked into the office so I get up to greet them.
“Elizabeth.” It’s Marco. His voice is a whisper but I hear him as if his lips said the word close to my ear. Nothing exists but us, there is no time, no right, no wrong, reality and fantasy are one. I watch breathless the shifting of emotions from shocked to confusion to joy in that face I’ve missed so much. I stare at him not believing what I’m seeing. Just the sight of him is like breathing life into me. I have been numb, non-existent since the last time I was with him, until now.
“What are you doing here, Marco?” The question comes out barely audible.
“This is Marco?” I hear Carol’s voice behind me and I turn as Marco’s gaze slowly shifts from me to her.
What I want to do is go to him, wrap myself around him, absorb him into me, fill all of my senses with him but I try to regain my composure. “Yes, Carole, this is Marco Kastanopoulis.” Turning back to Marco I make the formal introductions. “This is Carol Williams, senior agent here.” The words come out of my mouth mechanically but in my head I’m saying, ‘I am alive again just by the sight of him, just from being in his presence. How did I get so lucky to be able to see him again?’
Marco extends his hand to her. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” His eyes return to me soaking me in.
Even in his tailored navy pinstriped suit that defines his beautiful body I see that he looks tired and hasn’t shaved in a few days, his beard and moustache are longer than usual. Looking closer at him I see the suit is a little loose and his cheeks look sunken as if he’s lost some weight. That knife is twisting back in my gut.
“It’s very nice to meet you as well. Elizabeth has spoken of you.”
His face brightens and he smiles quirking an eyebrow at me. I smile back at him, I can’t help it, it’s so good to see him
“That is very good to hear.” He looks at me like, ‘I knew you were full of shit.’
There is a pause in our conversation as Marco and I just take each other in, filling ourselves as if we were the food we have been starved of these past days. We’ve forgotten that Carol’s there and we come back to the reality when she finally breaks the moment.
“Is there something we can help you with today, Marco?”
“Yes, thank you, I’m a real estate developer, my group MKD Enterprises and I will begin work on property below the bridge which will consist of residential and commercial properties.”
“I’ve read about your project, it was in the newspaper. It looks very impressive, Marco.” It shows Carol obviously admires what she knows about the project Marco and his company have planned. I feel inept due to my lack of interest in anything that has to do with news. My life under a rock includes everything worldly and that is glaringly rearing its ugly head right now.