Authors: Brina Courtney
Victoria simply looked on and made her way to the front door. She walked outside into a beautiful May afternoon, usually one of her favorite times of year. She looked around her while she stood on her front porch, trying to make the decision of whether or not she could go out in the world.
Kate and Victoria stood at the top stoop for over fifteen minutes before Victoria took the first step. One step, then two, then Victoria's knees gave out from underneath her. She clutched the railing for dear life, hoping that on her first outing into the world she wouldn’t completely fall apart. But Kate was there to help pull her back up with a smile on her face.
“
Easy there. Go slow, it's okay. Your body just may not be used to moving this much.”
That statement seemed crazy to Victoria. She could remember being an excellent runner and cheerleader in her high school days. Just a couple weeks ago she was hiking with Levi through the wilderness, when did her body give up on her?
She sat down on the bottom step clinging to the supports of the railing. “Levi and I were getting a place together.”
Kate sat down gingerly next to her wrapping her arms around her knees.
“How does that make you feel?”
“
Like giving up. Like my body has. I can’t live there. I don’t even want to see it. But it bothers me that I never will. I just want to know why this happened to me!” She rested her head on the hard wood exasperated.
Kate reached out and stroked Victoria’s light blonde hair.
“Some things aren’t meant to be known and that’s okay. You can’t predict the future, and you shouldn’t try. Because you won’t live for
now
. And that’s what’s most important, the now.”
Tears began to fall from Victoria’s cheeks.
“Why him though? Why couldn’t it have been someone who didn’t matter?”
Kate sighed.
“Everyone matters to someone Victoria, it’s one of the beautiful things about life.”
“
I want answers Kate.”
“
Some day you’ll get them. When it’s the right time.”
Victoria sat in the sun for a moment before Kate said,
“C’mon let’s try again.”
She sighed,
“All right.” She stood up slowly but made her way to the car on her own. It felt like she had run a marathon by the time she sat down in the car.
She turned to Kate and said,
“Have we heard from Claire at all?”
Kate smiled brightly,
“Yes, she's called a few times for you. She would like to come visit.”
Victoria decided if she was already out, today was as good as any to see her.
“Maybe she can meet us at the beach?”
Kate passed her a pink cell phone.
“I saved her number in there for you. Feel free to make the call.”
Victoria found the number and called Claire. She was relieved to hear her voice sound normal and for Claire to not ask her how she was. She appreciated her ignoring her difficult situation.
“Sure I’ll meet you at the beach, I can get there in less than ten minutes.”
“
You’re home? Not at school?”
“
I came home yesterday, I was hoping to see you.”
Victoria nodded.
“Thanks.”
When they pulled up to parking lot at the beach Victoria wasn’t sure what she was going to do when she saw Claire for the first time. But her emotions took over when she opened the door and saw her. She began to cry as she ran towards Claire and embraced her tightly.
Her words came pouring out as her feelings played across her face.
“
He's gone Claire. I was there! I was there and I didn't do anything!”
Claire smoothed the back of Victoria's hair in order to console her friend.
“There was nothing you could do, Victoria, everyone knows that. You know that, right?”
But Victoria wasn't so sure. Recently her guilt had taken over. Since her stay in the hospital Kate called it
“survivor's guilt.” She shouldn’t have lived while Levi didn’t.
Claire released Victoria for a moment and said,
“Tor, there's something you need to see.” She pulled out her phone.
“
I don't think I want to see that, Claire,” she said through her tears.
“
Tor you have to see this. It'll help you understand.” Claire began to show her the pictures on her cell phone of Levi's house. She attempted to turn away and walk back towards the car, but Claire continued to throw the phone in front of her face until she really looked.
“
Do you see what’s in the picture? It's not just his house, look what's in front of it.”
Victoria took the phone and stared at the tiny screen. She used her fingers to zoom in. In the picture there were thousands of candles in front of Levi's doorstep. Signs and flowers littered the yard with inspirational messages.
“We miss you Levi.”
“
Love always.”
“
See you later.”
She didn't know how to react, so she called for the only person that fully understood what she was going through.
“Kate!” She yelled so loud that she scared Claire.
Kate came running down the side of the beach, concern etched all over her face.
“What's wrong?”
Victoria continued to cry, but turned the phone so Kate could view the images that she had just seen. Kate looked through them and nodded at her, rubbing her back slowly.
“You weren't the only one who loved him. You're not alone in this.”
Claire looked at Kate and Victoria sheepishly; it was clear she hadn't meant to upset her friend. Claire looked at her newly painted toenails as she spoke.
“I'm sorry. I thought this would make you happy, or at least cheer you up a little bit. Levi was a great guy, Tor, a lot of people miss him. Not just you.”
It was the first time in days that Victoria had felt somewhat human, and as she looked at Kate and Claire she made a decision. She would ultimately have to get through this. She pushed all thoughts of suicide from her mind and decided that she was going to live. Because there were people out there who missed Levi just as much as she did, and it wasn't fair to them if she left this world, too. She had already lost Levi, she wouldn't lose herself as well.
“It's okay, Claire. I’m not upset with you. I just didn’t think. I didn’t know that anyone else would be feeling the way I am.”
She looked at Kate with confidence.
“I want to go to the funeral. I want to be with these people.”
9
Victoria readied herself for what she was sure was going to be the second worst day in her entire life. The worst being last Friday when she lost Levi. It had only been a little more than a week since he had gone, but it felt like months to Victoria.
Kate and Fallon were working on her hair and makeup, as Victoria had no interest in making herself look nice for the event. Victoria simply stared at the picture of Levi that her parents had framed for her, which was sitting on her bedside table, as the ladies worked to improve her features.
She wore a plain black dress that her mother had purchased for her and simple pearl earrings. Kate had curled her hair. When Fallon had decided that she was done with her makeup Victoria stood up and looked in the mirror. She didn't feel like she looked like herself anymore, but it would have to do. She wanted to appear at least somewhat together for the funeral. It would be the first time she'd seen Tyne or Levi's father since the hospital.
She twirled one of the curls around her finger and asked, “Are you sure I look all right?”
Kate nodded and Fallon agreed.
“You look beautiful Victoria. Levi would have appreciated it.” Fallon sighed and walked from the room as Kate stood by and watched Victoria survey herself in the mirror further.
She gently touched the curls that fell on Victoria’s back and said,
“You're doing really well, Victoria. You can do this, just one step at a time.”
Victoria looked at Kate with a small smile and said,
“Baby steps, right?”
Kate smiled back at her.
“Right.”
The funeral was held on the beach, one of Levi’s favorite places to visit. They had spent so many wonderful evenings there, walking and talking about their future. A future that would never take place.
When Victoria and her family arrived at the actual funeral site she realized there were several hundred people in attendance. Seats had been left for her family near the front and she walked slowly and solemnly to her place.
Kate sat next to her, holding her hand as they watched Tyne and Levi's dad arrive. He was in his old military uniform and Tyne looked lovely in a short sleeveless black dress.
They sat directly in front of Victoria's family and then turned back to acknowledge the Blanes. Victoria's eyes remained focused on the sand, and she made designs with her shoes to distract her mind from what was happening around her.
A pastor spoke about the loss that they had all endured. How sometimes the world didn't think it was fair how young people left us. He continued, saying that Levi had the chance to live, and he had led a beautiful life. Victoria remained stone faced through much of the ceremony … until the pastor turned his attention to her.
“Levi spent his life serving others. And even in death he served others. His life was cut short because he was protecting the woman he loved. He took the ultimate sacrifice, and for that we truly thank him.”
Victoria lifted her eyes and noticed that everyone, except Levi's family whose eyes remained on the casket, was staring at her.
Victoria couldn't take being the center of the attention and looked to her family for support. Kate squeezed her hands in hers. But Victoria had already gone over the edge and began sobbing uncontrollably.
“
He wasn't supposed to leave me. He promised.” Kate nodded and a few members of the surrounding audience whispered encouraging sentiments to Victoria.
“
I loved him. I will always love him.”
“
We know, Victoria,” Kate whispered.
Her parents and Fallon whispered how much they loved Victoria, and how they understood.
“It’s alright to be sad, honey,” her father said. “Sadness is a part of life.”
When the pastor was done speaking the only sounds that could be heard were the crashing waves and Victoria’s sobs. Many people approached Levi's family to give their regrets and laid flowers near the casket.
When everyone else had gone, only Victoria and Levi’s families remained. Victoria was confused as to why they hadn't lowered the casket into the ground yet when she realized there was no hole.
She looked to Tyne to answer her question. It was the first time they had spoken in over a week. Since before
it
happened. “He's not in there, is he?”
Tyne shook her head.
“He wanted to be cremated. We’re going to release his ashes into the ocean, would you like to come?”
Victoria simply nodded and she, Tyne, and Levi’s father walked out to a nearby jetty. Victoria tossed her shoes on the sand and was quite agile on the rocks as they walked to the end. Levi's father held a small box with both hands as he silently cried.
“You were the best son anyone could ask for. You meant so much to me, to us. Stay with us and continue to protect us.” His low voice was filled with sobs and emotion. It was hard for Victoria to bear.
Tyne pulled a piece of paper from her purse. Victoria crossed her arms in front of her chest, because otherwise she thought she would jump in the water to get away from this difficult moment.
Tyne opened the small piece of paper and read it aloud.
“
And when that day arrives
That we no longer are apart,
I’ll smile and hold you close to me …
Forever in my heart.
”
“
I love you Levi.” She kissed her hand and blew it out to sea.
Victoria was at a loss for words, so she did the only thing she could and slowly brought her hands together in a heart. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably and she wasn’t even sure it looked like a heart, but she knew Levi would understand.
Levi’s father opened the box and let the warm summer breeze take the ashes out to sea. It was a beautiful moment and Victoria felt as though Levi was right there with them, willing them to move on.
10
Victoria spent the summer recovering. She continued to avoid any large groups of people, such as parties or the local amusement park. But she was enjoying her summer, filled instead with movies and trips to the local ice cream shop. Many days she would spend in the house losing herself in books, for fear of going to a place she and Levi had shared memories. She and Claire found new places to make their own memories. They even took a few day trips between Claire’s job interviews. But her interviews were a constant reminder to Victoria that soon she would need to start her life once again.
One especially sunny day Claire had dragged Victoria to the beach. Victoria was lost in a book when Claire started to tell her about her latest interview.
“I don’t know, I really think they liked me at this one. The salary is awesome. And it’s exactly in the area where I want to be. Young and hip. You could go to Wadsworth and we could even live together. What do you think?”
Victoria keyed in on the mention of school.
“Wadsworth? Like the college?”
“
Well you’re going to finish your degree, aren’t you?”
“
I mean I guess. I certainly can’t live with my parents forever. But that’s pretty far away. Are you sure that’s where you want to go?” Victoria knew that she would follow Claire wherever she wanted. Their relationship had been some of the glue that had kept her together over the past few months. She didn’t know what she would do without her.
“
Well, I guess we’ll have to wait and see if they offer me the job first. But until then, let’s enjoy our freedom!” Claire stood up and ripped off her shirt revealing a neon purple bikini. For such a petite person, she liked to let people know she was there. When Victoria didn’t move she said, “Don’t you want to come in the water?”
Victoria shook her head and put her focus on her book. The water scared her now. She had become afraid of death-- it had recently become so real to her. Only her toes had touched
water since May. Her parents had tried to get her in their pool, but she couldn’t even bring herself to do that. It was all too much. Too frightening.
Instead of running to the water like Victoria expected, Claire plopped down on the blanket and looked at her intently.
“Hey Tor?” Victoria realized she wasn’t going to finish her book so she closed it and faced her friend.
“
Yeah?”
Claire started running her hand through her short hair. A telltale sign something was bothering her. She took a deep breath and said,
“Did you know they put a memorial for Levi at the cemetery near Feddler’s Park?”
When Victoria didn’t respond Claire continued with,
“I heard it’s really beautiful. You should go see it sometime.”
Victoria just kept staring at Claire. She had no words. The nightmares had finally totally ended, and although she couldn’t forget that night, she had gotten pretty good at not thinking about it. Finally she spoke.
“I have to go home now.” She grabbed her book and was running to her car before Claire could catch up and see her tears.
She slammed her car door and called Kate. She needed her support right now. After telling her the information that Claire had just given her she said,
“Should I go? I mean, I don’t think I’m ready to go by myself. I’m not strong enough yet.”
Kate sighed,
“Then you shouldn’t go yet. Because the first time you go, you ought to be alone. It should be a private moment for the two of you.”
Victoria agreed, but to her that meant she wasn’t going anytime soon. She had been leaning on Kate and Claire for support. She still wasn’t sure she could make things work on her own.
“Can we talk about something tomorrow? Meet at the park in town?”
“
Sure, what’s up?”
“
Maybe something, I want to do some research first to be sure.”
She hung up the phone quickly and drove back to her parents’ house. After a few hours on the computer she decided that going back to school might be a good idea. But she would have to get her transcripts together quickly. She had taken a formal leave of absence but she didn’t want to totally give up on school just because of what happened to her. A fresh start was important. She had learned through her intensive therapy with Kate that if she moved on she wasn’t escaping. She would use her past to impact her future. There were moments when she would relapse into the darkness that almost took her life, but for the most part she had begun to move on.
The next day at the park she passed a few brochures to Kate on colleges she had found online. The local library had tons of information that was all easily accessible.
“
What do you think about this?”
Kate looked surprised.
“I’ve told you to start looking a thousand times. What changed?”
“
Claire might have a job near this one.” She passed her the glossy paper that had a beautiful picture of a cathedral on the front. Wadsworth University was calling Victoria’s name. “But I’m not sure I want to be a lawyer anymore.”
Kate sighed.
“I saw the news last night, Kate. You can’t hide it from me.”
“
I thought it would make you want to be a lawyer even more. Putting people like him behind bars, killers. People who hurt others. I’m surprised that has turned you the other way.”
Victoria shook her head,
“I don’t know. I just don’t think I can face people like that every day. I’m not strong enough yet. And another three years of school? I don’t think I’m prepared for that either. Part of me wonders if I ever was, or if I was just in love with the notion of the glory of it all.”
“
I see--do you have any idea what you would want to change your major to?”
She shrugged,
“Not really.” She pointed at the one brochure in particular. “I looked into this one. Claire and I even talked about getting a place down there together. It’s right outside of New York City. A change of scenery might be nice.”
Kate nodded.
“It looks like a nice school,” she said taking the brochure from Victoria. “I think it’s a good move. Can you stop evading my questions about the news last night now?”
Victoria chewed her bottom lip,
“I guess.”
“
Okay, so tell me how does it make you feel? Do you feel safer now?”
Victoria wasn't really sure how she felt. Watching Levi's picture on the nightly news had been one thing. To see his killer’s picture next to him, was a completely different feeling.
“They said he confessed to the whole thing. He’s going to serve life, for attempted robbery and manslaughter. My dad is going to go to the hearing, but I don't think I want to.”
Kate wrinkled her forehead. She was obviously thinking.
“A lot of people go to the hearings, Victoria, it gives them closure. You should really think about it.”
Victoria rubbed her promise ring and said,
“I don’t think I'm like most people, Kate. I don't need closure. I'm just glad to know that sicko can never hurt anyone again. No one else will end up like Levi because of him.”
Kate nodded in agreement,
“Victoria, everyone needs closure. But you're right about that man. You're really working through this well lately. I’m really proud of you.”
Victoria was over the
sugary sweet moments with Kate so she just rolled her eyes. Sometimes she wanted to remind her of their limited age gap, but then she would realize that Kate felt the need to take care of her. And after all she had done for Victoria, she owed her that.
Victoria sighed heavily and looked back to her magazine when her eyes fell on a picture that caught her interest. She turned the magazine so that Kate could see the picture of a dark-haired girl with a hot pink streak in the front.
“What do you think Wadsworth is going to say about that?” Kate inquired.
“
Who the hell cares? Colleges just want your money, they don’t care who gives it to them. Anyway, everyone says I have to finish my degree but I get to say how I look.”
“
Touché.” Kate lifted her sunglasses on top of her head and squinted at the image. “You sure about this though? You do it and there's no going back. That color pink will not come out.”
Victoria really smiled, possibly for the first time since Levi had died.
“Yep, let's do this.”
###
Less than a month later Kate and Victoria stood in a mess she called her bedroom, and packed up her belongings.
“I think this was a really good idea to room with Claire. Living by yourself can get lonely sometimes.” Kate remarked as she put away the last of Victoria’s books.
Lonely, that was now a feeling that Victoria completely understood. She nodded to herself as continued to fold sweaters and place the last of them in a box labeled
“winter”.
She continued to close boxes silently eventually finding one filled with her clothes that looked like it had already been packed. As she began going through the box, she felt like most of the clothes didn’t belong to her. It was clear that her mother had packed this box from some of the things she still had at home from high school. Maybe when she went away to school her first year. Most of it didn’t even fit her anymore and she started to make a giveaway pile while she continued to dig. Her hot pink highlighted wave kept falling in her face, constantly reminding her of her new rebellious nature. Fallon had helped with the dye job just a few nights ago, but her mom was less than pleased. On the other hand, it made Victoria feel strong. It was the first time she was in control of her life again.
“Sure you want to pack this top?” Kate had moved on to Victoria’s dresser.
“
Yes! I love that top, Claire bought it with me.”
Kate raised her eyebrow at the multicolored shirt but tossed it into Victoria’s suitcase anyway.
When Victoria turned around, Kate was zipping up a suitcase. She frowned as she looked around her room and noticed how empty it felt with all the little items packed away.
“
Well, I guess that's it. Time for me to go.” Kate rubbed her hands on her pants to get rid of some of the remaining dust. Victoria hadn't been very particular about keeping her room clean that summer.
Kate gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and turned to walk out the door, but Victoria stopped her.
“Kate! Don't leave so quickly. I want to tell you something.”
Kate stopped dead in her tracks and turned around to look at Victoria. Her face said everything she couldn’t as a few quiet tears ran down her face.
Victoria rushed over to Kate and hugged her tightly. “I love you, Kate. Levi might have died protecting me, but you saved me every day after. I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done for me.”
Both Kate and Victoria had tears in their eyes as Kate whispered,
“You're welcome.”
Kate held her at arms’ length for just a moment and said,
“You're going to be awesome. You already are. And just remember, I’m only a phone call away.”
Victoria smiled, as Kate quietly left the room, and took a moment to herself.
She sat down on the edge of her bed and she rolled the ring between her fingers. She made a choice that had been floating around in her head for weeks. It was time to go see Levi.
She walked slowly through the tall oaks listening to the sounds of the ocean. She wasn’t far from the beach where she and Levi had spent so many nights. She held a single white rose in her trembling hands as her advanced to her destination. A new memorial stone had been erected and it was covered in flowers and messages. Victoria knew who it belonged to and fell to her knees in front of the granite.
Levi Manor
1993-2012
BELOVED SON AND PARTNER
She drew in a breath and began to cry as she spoke.
“I made it. It was really hard, Levi, but I made it through the first couple months. I still need you though, just like I needed you then.” The tears began to overtake her monologue, but she continued, “I'm going to do this. I want you with me every step of the way, okay? Don't leave me yet. You promised you wouldn't.” She didn’t quite feel his presence as she had at his funeral and became disappointed. She laid the rose in the middle of his grave and touched the cool stone.
She stood and began to walk away, taking one last look at her childhood dream, and whispered,
“I love you,” before walking away and into her new life.