Kira’s parents were often a topic of conversation between Tamara and me. She knew how much I loved them, and how sorry I was that I’d hurt them.
“I’m sure you have,” she said. “The fact that Yumi calls you
her Matty
, I’m fairly certain she’ll approve.”
I nodded and shrugged one shoulder. “I just feel sometimes, not all the time, but I wonder how long I have to feel like I failed them.”
Tamara looked at me for a long, quiet moment. “That’s an interesting choice of words, Matt,” she said. “You said you wonder how long you have to
feel
like you failed them. I’m sure they’ve forgiven you, but yet you still feel as though you owe them.”
“I think I will for a long while,” I told her. “And that’s not a bad thing. A little remorse every now and then means I’ll never take it for granted.”
Tamara raised one eyebrow thoughtfully, which told me she didn’t really agree with me. “Do you feel like you need to earn their trust again?” she asked. “Have they ever said that?”
“No, but I’d just feel better if there was something I could do that would tip the scales, you know? Make it better.”
“Like marrying Kira?”
I shook my head. “No. Please don’t reduce my love for him as some ploy to win favours with his parents, because that’s not fair.”
Tamara almost smiled. “That was a very good answer.”
“To a poorly worded question.”
Tamara smiled again. “Yes, it was. I apologise.”
The corner of my mouth curled into a half-smile. This was the kind of relationship we had. We’d cross boundaries, prodding for reactions. Dr Coulter knew I had the ability to keep my emotions in check, and not react when someone else would. She’d dealt with enough detectives to know that. She was a little surprised I’d managed to fool the psych evaluations to go undercover, so she’d been wary with me from the beginning. But I swore to her, all pretences were left at the door.
I’d explained to her, I was there to get better. I’d promised Kira I would do this, and I had every intention of keeping my word.
So our relationship was professional, but brutally honest. “It’s part of the guilt, yes?” I asked. “That I feel bad for what I’ve done. But there’s no time limit, is there? No expiration date, so to speak.”
“No, there’s not,” she answered simply. “You’ve apologised, and you’re working hard at righting your wrongs. That’s all you can do, Matt. It will take time.”
I sighed. “I swore to them that I’d work on it forever, and I will. I just feel sometimes that they look at me, and they’re remembering what I did, what I put them through.” Then I admitted, “I just want to move forward.”
“Is getting married going to do that?”
“Move forward? Yes. I want to spend my life with him,” I told her adamantly. “I want him to know I’m serious, and that there will never be anyone else for me.”
“Tell me, how are things going at the club?” she changed subjects like I’d predicted. “Really good. The guys are working so hard. Boss really runs a tight ship.”
“How’s Arizona?”
“He’s doing really well,” I said. “He’s just moved into a nicer place. His wife’s happy, so he’s happy. He just wants to do right by her and his little girl.”
Tamara smiled again. “He’s become a good friend of yours,” she stated.
“He has.”
“Do you see your old police partners much?” she asked. “We haven’t talked of them much lately.”
“They call into the club every now and then,” I told her. “And we try to catch up on weekends when they’re not working. Kira sees them at his work at the gym. I talk to Mitch on the phone when I can. They work different hours, and I know what that’s like.”
“But you all make the effort.”
“We do.”
Tamara’s smile faded a little and she looked at something in the file in front of her. “It’s been a while since we talked about the kids at the club? How are they going?” She titled her head. “Claude, isn’t it? The child you mentioned before?”
I nodded. “They’re okay. She’s okay.”
“You worry about her in particular.”
“I do. I mean, I’ve always known kids live on the street. Everyone knows that, and as a cop, I saw it all the time,” I explained. “But it’s different now.”
“Because you’re seeing it from a different perspective.”
“I am,” I agreed. “But… I don’t know… I worry about them all, but especially about Claude. She’s a young girl on the streets… I know those stories don’t always end well.”
Tamara sighed. “Then you know what may very well happen to her.”
“You can’t know that,” I said sharply. “You can’t just presume she’ll end up some drugged out whore, or dead in a dumpster.”
“Matt,” Tamara said cautiously. “My concern is you, and I’m worried that if something were to happen to her, that you’d feel responsible.”
I looked out of the window, and bit my fucking tongue.
“You can’t fix everyone, Matt.”
“I don’t want to fix
everyone
,” I said, looking back to her.
“Just her.”
“Yes… No. I don’t know. She’s just a kid.”
“You have enough to worry about with your own health, Matt.”
I nodded, but said nothing. She was right, but fucking hell, so was I. I didn’t want to argue with her, or deal with unresolved shit today. I was still on a high from Kira saying yes to marrying me. I had even been excited to come here and tell Tamara, but it seemed wasted. I looked at my watch, then back out of the window.
“Matt, you don’t agree with me,” she said. It wasn’t a question.
“Not really.”
“Would you like to discuss it?”
“No, not today,” I said, finally looking at her. “These last few days have been some of the best I’ve had in a while, and I’d like to be able to appreciate that without arguing.” I shook my head. “I think I’m entitled to a little bit of happiness, yes?”
“Of course you are,” she said, in a tone that just pissed me off. All sweet and placating.
I stood up, cutting our appointment in half. “Look, maybe today’s not the best day for this.”
“Matt, we can talk about whatever you want,” she said, her tone still not wavering. Always calm and calculated.
I stopped, knowing walking out wasn’t going to help anyone. I bit back a sigh, but instead of sitting back down, I went and stood at the window instead. I didn’t speak first, but I also didn’t leave.
After a little while, Tamara said, “So, when you break the good news to Kira’s parents tonight, are you telling them over dinner in a restaurant, or telling them at home?”
I smiled, despite my sudden downturn in mood. She knew exactly what topic would make me stay. “Dinner at home. I was going to cook, but Kira thought it might be safer if he did.”
And so we talked then about dinner, and cooking, and how I still sucked at it, leaving the session on a lighter note. As the meeting was wrapping up, Tamara reminded me of my next appointment. “I’ll see you and Kira on Thursday.”
“Yep, we’ll be here.”
“Matt, I’m sorry to put a dampener on your mood earlier,” she said. “You were right. You deserve this happiness, and we should have focused on that today. Good luck tonight.”
I gave her a genuine smile this time. “Thank you.” I got to the door, but stopped before I walked out. “We’re going to revisit a few things I tripped up on today on Thursday, aren’t we?”
She laughed quietly. “Yes, we will. But for now, go and enjoy dinner with your fiancé and soon-to-be in-laws.”
I grinned at her words.
My fiancé.
“I will.”
* * * *
I walked in through the front door and found Kira in the kitchen. He was wearing cargos and a black T-shirt, which matched the colour of his hair perfectly. “Hey,” I said, putting down the brown paper bag of groceries so I could kiss his cheek.
“Hey,” he said, leaning his cheek out for me to kiss. Then he looked up from the chopping board at me for a moment. “You look happy.”
“I am happy.”
“How was your appointment with Tamara?”
“Good,” I answered, then told him how it had taken the shine off my day for a short while, but I was smiling again by the time I left. “She said she’d discuss it in more depth on Thursday when we go in.”
Kira nodded and continued chopping the bell peppers. “No worries,” he said.
It was great to see him smile again so freely. He had such a beautiful smile and for a long while, I was the reason he didn’t. But in the last six months, since we’d been working through our problems, he’d been smiling more and more often. It still warmed my chest to see it.
“What do you need me to do?” I asked. “Your mom and dad will be here soon.”
“Did you get the pie?” he asked, eyeing the paper bag.
“I did. And everything else you asked for.”
“Then you can set the table,” he said. “I just have to finish this salad, and we’re done.”
When I was almost done setting the dining table, there was a knock at the door. Before Kira could leave the kitchen to let his parents in, I stopped him. “I’ll get it.” Then as I turned and walked two steps towards the door, the room tilted, my head spun and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor.
Chapter Two
Fucking vertigo.
The floor was on an angle and even with my face pressed against it, it still wasn’t where it should be.
Then strong hands were on my shoulders, and Kira pulled me onto the sofa. There was another knock on the door, and Yumi’s voice followed, “Boys? You there? Why you make us wait? You better be dressed in there. I not want to see that.”
I smiled, despite the buzz in my head and the queasy feeling in my stomach. Kira was kneeling in front of me. “One sec, Mom!” he called out. He looked at my face, concerned. “You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I must have turned too quickly or something. Sorry.”
He kissed my forehead as he stood up. “Don’t apologise.”
Kira let his parents in, and when Yumi and Sal saw me sitting on the sofa, they knew straight away what was wrong.
“Oh, Matty,” Yumi said, rushing over to sit beside me. “You okay? You look pale. Did you fall?”
“I just turned too quick, that’s all,” I said quietly. “I’m fine.”
This was the part I hated. Fucking vertigo from my middle ear injury which I’d received from fighting in unsanctioned, underground cage fighting. I’d almost lost Kira—I’d treated him so badly—and yet, he was nothing but concerned and attentive. The vertigo was a direct consequence of my actions, a physical reminder of what I had done, as was the deafness in my right ear. And every time I had a dizzy spell or a fall, Kira and his parents doted on me.
But this time, I refused to let the guilt eat at me.
I wouldn’t let it fester. I wouldn’t let it control me. I wouldn’t let it come between me and Kira again.
I hated the fact that it served as a reminder, for me and Kira, that I’d betrayed his trust. And I did feel as though every time he helped me through an episode it was like a step backward.
But still, I knew it would hurt him more if I allowed the guilt to consume me again.
Yumi put her hand to my face. “You sure you’re okay?”
I smiled at her. “I am. It wasn’t a full-blown vertigo episode, just a bit dizzy, that’s all. I just need to sit for a minute, then I’ll be right as rain.”
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll just go see Kira in the kitchen.” With a pat on my leg, the tiny woman jumped up then darted through the door.
Sal sat down across from me. He raised his hands and spoke in sign language, “Did you fall?”
I nodded, and signed back to him, “Yes. I went to get the door, and the ground wasn’t where it should have been.”
Sal frowned. “Are you hurt?”
I shook my head slowly. “No. I’m fine, really,” I signed. Then something occurred to me, something I should have thought about long before now.
Oh, dear God.
Sal was adept at reading people and when my eyes met his, I could tell he knew something was up. “What’s wrong?” he signed quickly.
I swallowed hard, and with a quick glance over my shoulder to double check we were still alone, I turned back to him. “I need to ask you something,” I signed, then kind of laughed at just how nervous I was.
He narrowed his eyes, curious. “Yes?”
“I should have asked before now, and I’m very sorry I didn’t,” I signed quickly, probably getting a word or two wrong. “I guess I’m not asking permission, but I’m asking if you’d mind terribly if Kira and I got married?”
He laughed then signed slowly, “You must be nervous, because that didn’t make sense.” Sal’s reaction was not one I had been expecting.
I barked out a laugh and nodded. I didn’t think I’d got the words right. I wiped the palms of my hands on my thighs. I exhaled through puffed cheeks. “I am nervous, yes.”
Sal grinned at me, then his smile slowly faded and his eyes widened. I could almost see the pieces coming together in his mind. “Married?” he signed. “You and Kira?”
Before I could answer, Yumi and Kira walked into the room. “Dinner’s ready,” Kira said, then looked slowly between me and his father.
Yumi picked up on the mood in the room too. “What you two talk about?”
I stood up slowly, making sure my head didn’t spin. “I just had to ask Sal something,” I told them, knowing Sal would read my lips.
Sal stood up, and as his gaze fell on Kira, he grinned.
Kira glanced at me and raised one eyebrow in question. So I told him, “I was trying to do this properly, but my sign language isn’t as good as I thought.”
“What you ask him?” Yumi asked, looking up at the three men who towered over her. “Why you not ask me?”
My eyes darted to Kira’s, realising this conversation was about to happen right now. “I wanted it to be a surprise…”
Kira looked genuinely shocked, even a little emotional. “Did you just ask my dad?”
“I tried—”
“Tried what?” Yumi interrupted. “Ugh, you boys!”
Kira stepped in beside me and put his hand on my lower back. “Mom, we were thinking blue and silver as a colour scheme.”
Yumi stared at us blankly. “For what?” Then she glanced round the living room, trying to find a clue of what we were talking about.
Kira smiled at his mom. “For the wedding invitations.” Then he turned to his dad. “Matt asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”