Authors: T L Swan
Two weeks after Josh and my beautiful lovemaking holiday I was missing him like crazy, crying by night, depressed by day. I lost 5kgs in two weeks and had bags under my eyes. I didn’t leave my room except to go to school. This pain was self-inflicted. Both Josh and I knew he was going to America for four years shortly after our holiday, we knew we had no future together. That didn’t make it any easier, we had had no contact. My tender teenage heart was utterly devastated.
I came home from school one afternoon to find the house in uproar, it was one of the few times I heard my father swear. As I opened the door my father yelled at my mother.
“What the fuck does that boy think he’s doing?” I stopped mid step slowly heading down the hall. I heard my mother talking way too fast while pacing. I slowly walk into the kitchen area and look between the two of them raising my eyebrows.
“What’s going on?” I whisper to my mum.
Dad is on the phone. “Good god, he’s gone fucking mad,” he yells.
I frown. “Who?” I mouth at Mum.
“Joshua,” she replies. Oh shit this can’t be good, what happened? Do they know? Am I next? I quietly make myself a cup of tea as I listen to the conversation.
“He said what! And then what did you say?” he listens. “And did you tell him that’s ridiculous? Surely he can’t be serious?”
“What?” I mouth to Mum again.
“Joshua seems to think he’s fallen in love with a girl from Sydney and he’s not going to America.” My eyes widen. Holy shit. “How do you know this?”
“I’ve been on the phone to Margaret all day on and off. He seems to think he’s transferring to Sydney Uni, apparently to be near this girl.” My father hangs up the phone. My eyes are the size of saucers.
“Who is she?” I whisper.
“Some fucking idiot, no doubt,” my father snaps. Shit, he’s really mad. “He’s known her for two frigging weeks, he’s throwing away an internship at Apple. This is the opportunity of a life time, he will never get this chance again.” I sip my tea in silence while my parents continue their outrage.
I ask my Mum, “Why is America so important?” I’m genuinely interested.
“Josh developed an App as a hobby, it was a carb counter for Diabetics.”
“What does that mean?” I ask
“It has ended up being used all over the world. It had to be tweaked a bit but Doctors and Hospitals are using it to educate Diabetics.
“What’s an App?” I ask.
“It’s the way computers are heading something to do with Apple computers, new technology stuff.”
“Oh,” I murmur. “I had no idea.”
“No, and Joshua doesn’t get it, he gave this technology away but if it were designed on the market it would be worth millions.”
My mouth drops open. “Millions,” I repeat.
“Yes,” says my mother. “Steve Jobs the founder of this organization has personally invited Joshua to come and work with him.”
“Who’s Steve Jobs?” I ask.
“He owns Apple, he’s one of the smartest richest men in the world.”
“And he wants to work with Josh,” I reply. Suddenly the very serious ramifications if he doesn’t go, become all too obvious. My Dad nods, I raise my eyebrows. “Shit,” I whisper.
“Exactly,” my father nods. “Joshua is going to throw his whole future away for a girl he hardly knows and in twelve months down the track will leave anyway.”
“You don’t know that,” I snap.
“True,” my mother nods, “but if she did love him surely she wouldn’t let him give up this chance. He can’t be that stupid can he?” she mutters to herself as she rubs her forehead. I wander out into the backyard and sit on the back step idly patting Sadie our Cocker Spaniel. Shit, this is heavy. I know I’m the girl and part of me wants to jump off the step and punch the air. He’s missed me, he does love me. I’m thoroughly thrilled with myself. I’m trying to stifle the huge grin threatening to cover my face when the phone rings again. I walk to the door to listen to the conversation.
“Well, where is he now? Well find him, go out and find him and then what did you say? What! He’s going to marry this bimbo……………for heaven’s sake………………… he said what!…………… Good god, he’s lost his fucking mind…………yes I know………… hang on I will see. Natasha have you heard from Josh?” I shake my head………… ”Yes you’re probably right, they are close. If he rings you tell him to ring home everyone is frantic.” I nod in agreement. “Seriously Jack if you have to get in a plane and kick his ass all the way to America you do it, he can’t screw this up. He will thank you in years to come.” My elation is very quickly turning to shit. I go into my room shut the door and throw myself on the bed. Shit Josh, this is extreme. I jump up suddenly to check my phone to see if he has rang me. No nothing. Poor Josh. All that pressure and now he’s taken off, maybe I should ring him. I check my phone again, still nothing. I hope he’s ok. This is a total fuck up, shit what am I going to do? I start to pace in my room, shaking my hands as if they are cold. Should I ring him? Maybe, no he doesn’t need my interference. Three hours later I’m so worried I have started dry reaching. I’m really starting to freak out. Still pacing in my room, my parents are waiting up to hear if they find him. Its 12.50am when I hear my Mum’s phone receive a text message, I bound down the hall.
“Thank god,” my mum smiles. He’s home, “we can all go to bed now.” She puts her arm around me and leads me to the hall. “He’s safe” she smiles. I haul my sorry ass to bed. That night I didn’t sleep, I know deep in my gut what I must do if I truly love Josh. I need to set him free so he can carry on with his life’s work, do I tell him the truth? No, then he will make the decision for me. I know if I was in his position I could never leave him. I wouldn’t have the strength. What if he did stay? Would we last? This I don’t know. I need a crystal ball. My Dad’s right, he will fuck up the rest of his life. The cold hard reality is we can’t have a future together, not in our family’s eyes. Oh what to do, what to do. At 5.00am I come to the heartbreaking decision. I know what to do and it turns my stomach just thinking about it.
The next day I fake sickness to get the day off school. My parents go to work and I start to pace again, waiting his call. At 1.00oclock my phone rings. It’s Josh, he thinks I’m on lunch break. I brace myself.
“Hi,” I answer.
“Hi baby,” he says happily down the phone.
Oh shit.
“Have you missed me?” He asks.
“Where are you?” I ask.
“At home. I have news” he announces, my heart sinks. “I’m coming to Sydney tonight.”
“Why?” I whisper quietly.
“To see you. You didn’t answer my question, have you missed me?”
“Have you?” I whisper again my voice to hoarse to speak.
“So fucking much I can’t stand it. I think I’ve come up with a solution though, we will talk about it tonight. Pick me up, what time flight will I book?” I stay silent and close my eyes…silence again. “Natasha, what’s wrong?” His voice betrays his worry. I stay silent…………”baby are you ok?” he asks quietly.
“Not really,” I whisper past the golf ball size lump in my throat. He doesn’t know that I know about his so called solution……again silence………
”Why aren’t you ok?”
”It’s complicated,” I whisper.
“Tell me tonight. We will work it out. I’ll book the flight and text you the details I’ll be there soon.” This is it. I know to save his future I have to hurt him and rip my heart out in the process, again I stay silent unable to talk without breaking into full blown sobs
“Josh you can’t come to Sydney.”
“Why?” he whispers, “why not?”
“It’s not a good idea,” he stays silent. This time I can almost hear his brain ticking
“I need to see you,” he snaps.
“No Josh you can’t.”
“Why not?” he’s getting annoyed.
“I don’t want to see you,” I cover my mouth with my hand so he can’t hear my chest quivering with unshed tears.
“You don’t want to see me?” he whispers.
“No Josh, I don’t.” I lie again. Closing my eyes, he stays silent for a minute.
“I don’t believe you,” he yells. “Have my fucking parents been in your ear?”
“No,” I lie again.
“You know, don’t you?” he snaps.
“Know what?” I act innocent.
“I’m coming to get you, whether you like it or not,” he yells. I start to cry holding my stomach because the pain is unbearable. I drop to my knees on the lounge room floor and close my eyes, trying to catch my breath as I stab the final knife into my already broken heart.
“I’ve met somebody else.”
“What!” he yells, making me jump. “Are you fucking kidding me!” he screams down the phone. “Two weeks, it’s been two fucking weeks!” he yells “and you’ve met someone else.”
“Yes,” I sob. He stays silent. I know I’ve broken his heart as well as mine and I am now on my hands and knees on the floor, again silence.
In a deathly voice he asks “have you slept with him?” I can hardly answer. How can he even think that? My chest is breaking.
“Yes,” I sob. He makes a guttural noise and the phone goes dead, he has hung up. I collapse into the foetal position on the floor, knowing he is probably on the floor like me. I am a cold heartless bitch, how could I say that? My heart is broken, my chest hurts. I am crying so loud I’m sure the neighbours can hear me.
I stayed in bed for a week unable to eat and hardly able to keep anything down, my mother dotes on me, she thinks I have a stomach bug. I lay motionless staring at the ceiling, I have no tears left. Even to this day, seven years later that memory brings nausea to my stomach every time I think of it. It is as if it happened yesterday, I am brought back to a young seventeen year old girl lying alone on the lounge room floor clutching the phone. The pain is so vivid it’s unbearable. I do what I always do when this memory haunts me. I get straight up, put the television on and get into the shower. Sometimes I stay in the shower for over an hour, it is as if I am trying to wash the lies away. Although it’s not possible, if only I could. I’ve never forgiven myself, I should have told him the truth. He deserved the truth. Something’s got to give, this is unbearable. Why do the memories of this man haunt me, how do I escape him?
“You know what shits me?” I moan as I look into my compact mirror at my face, turning my head. “When I pay good money and say I have a wedding and I want to look hot, that does not mean code for, I want to look like the tooth fairy on crack.”
“I know, right,” Bridget tuts, we are in the back of a cab surveying the damage from our hair and makeup appointment. “At least your hair looks good, the silly bitch put so much lacquer in my hair I’m like a Venus Fly Trap, I hope there are no flies at the reception they will all be stuck in my hair.” I giggle as I pull a disgusted face. At least the makeup disaster has taken the edge off my nerves, only three hours until I see him. I smile out the window as I hunch my shoulders. I feel like a little kid at Christmas.
“Do you think I should of spray tanned?” I ask
“No, too much skin. You would have looked like a Penthouse Pet.”
“Maybe that’s the look I’m going for,” I smirk.
Bridget narrows her eyes and laughs, “Well you do have the makeup for it.”
“Very funny ha, ha.”
I look into the mirror at the young woman staring back at me, my long dark brown hair is set, very Racquel Welch. I’ve successfully removed my Steve Tyler makeup and reapplied. My bronze sky high strappy shoes are on, and I am waxed to within an inch of my life. I stare at my reflection. My charcoal Grecian style dress is fitted but drapes in all the right places. It is backless with a thigh high split down one leg. The dress is understated elegance I think, a little sexy without trying too hard. I look good, if I do say so myself. I like this dress better than the other option. Josh has never seen me like this. I was a girl when he left. I’m now a Clinical Psychologist, fit and in every part of my life confident and assured. Too bad I’m being eaten alive by guilt, suffocated by a love I don’t even have. I pull my shoulders back and take a deep breath. Perk up old girl I talk out loud to myself, today you start to heal. Time to rip off the band aid.
We arrive at the church it has a lovely old world feel, sandstone with a large circular driveway, sweeping oak trees and lots of leadlight windows. There are roses everywhere and the crowd is congregated out the front. Eventually we are lead in and my grandmother catches my hand as we walk into the church.
“It’ll be your wedding next,” she winks. I smile and roll my eyes. We are ushered into the second row to our place. Gran looks down and exclaims, “My god darling, how on earth do you walk in those shoes?” I smile and lift my hem a little to give her a full view of my beautiful expensive shoes that I may marry because I love them so much. I step aside to let Gran into the row of seats before me and glance up straight into the ice cold stare of Joshua Stanton. The sight hits me like a physical blow and I involuntarily step back and grab the church pew for support………Dear Mother Of God………he is breathtaking………so different yet so familiar. He is glaring at me……… Holy shit, is he angry? Surely not, I swallow and shuffle up the church pew. He follows me with his eyes and I can’t look away, my heart has stopped beating. He is mad, or maybe he’s just shocked to see me. My mouth is so dry I can hardly swallow. I look down, suddenly super self-conscious, I think I’m having a hot flush. Oh shit, did I bring deodorant? I’m going to need it, I pat my forehead.
Bridget frowns at me, “Are you ok?” I nod unable to speak. I look to the floor to try to calm myself and my heart that is having an epileptic fit. I can’t help it, I look back up. He is still glaring at me. Holy fuck is anyone else seeing this? I pat my forehead again and down cast my eyes
crap, crap, crap, crap.
What did you expect, you idiot? Of course he hates you. I’m getting seriously claustrophobic, I need fresh air. I want to run from this church and do some serious binge drinking, I blow out a large breath.
“What’s up?” Bridget whispers.
“Hot flush,” I murmur.
She screws her face up in question. “What?” she mouths as she frowns at me. I shake my head to try and signal for her to shut the fuck up, he’s watching. I look up again and see a trace of a smile on his face, bastard he’s doing this on purpose. He knows he’s affecting me. Christ, why am I such a loser? Gran distracts me and takes my hand, thank heavens for Gran. I give her a weak smile as she pats the back of my hand. The service begins and I am of course totally distracted, I am not even looking at the bride and groom, my eyes are fixed on one person only. Every now and then he looks at me and our eyes meet, he pulls away every time. He’s absolutely beautiful, it hurts just to look at him. The priest signals it’s time for me to do a reading, shit what if I can’t talk? I shimmy out and go to go up the steps when Joshua comes over and offers me his hand, as I grab it he squeezes it hard. Once again I am remindered by a strong jolt of sexual energy that he zaps me with. I gasp and look up to see him smile a small satisfied smile. Shit ok, he’s affecting me. Its official, I don’t have one cool bone in my body. I may as well be an open book. Please ground, swallow me up now. Why in the hell am I so physically affected by this man? It’s abnormal. I blow out a breath and start my psalm reading with Goosebumps scattering my body.