Jason humored him with a smile. Once Marcello had gone to find himself another drink, Jason returned to staring at William’s photo. When a couple of other people started to do the same, he forced himself to move on. Kelly’s photos were beautiful. He had a way of capturing life on film, even in portraits of inanimate objects, like the rusty old car that seemed to be smiling because of the way the bumper sank in the middle.
Soon Jason started strolling around the room and watching people instead. Emma deep in conversation with Bonnie in one corner. Marcello holding court with a group of people. Kelly leading William from photo to photo, probably explaining the story behind each or sharing memories. He watched them a moment longer, worried for a second about old flames finding new fuel, but he decided to trust in William’s love. Even if he didn’t know Jason’s plan, surely he would wait. Forcing himself to turn away, Jason noticed that someone was watching him.
His heart skipped a beat when he saw who, but only out of nervousness. Nathaniel was decked out in a suit, holding a full glass of champagne, and wearing a sober expression as he stared at Jason. His being here wasn’t a complete surprise. Marcello owned the gallery—or at least the foundation that owned it—and as one of his employees, Nathaniel could be here on an official basis.
Jason tried a tentative smile. The gesture wasn’t returned. Instead Nathaniel strode across the room to him, a few people having to move out of his way. Jason’s feet froze in place. He felt like a bouncer was about throw him out of the place.
“I remember you,” Nathaniel said, stopping just before him.
Jason nodded. “I’ve been a waiter for a few of Marcello’s parties. We talked once, when, uh—”
“Marcello let you borrow one of his rooms,” Nathaniel finished for him. “I remembered you back then too.”
Jason’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
Now Nathaniel smiled, as if amused. “I knew who you were. And I’m pretty damn sure you remembered me too.” He held out a hand. “We both survived the Hubbards and their son. That much we have in common.”
Jason took his hand and shook it, not apologizing for his own being so sweaty. “Why didn’t you say anything back then?”
Nathaniel cocked his head. “And ruin your fairytale night with your lover?” He nodded in William’s direction. “It’s nice to see you two still together. Gives me renewed faith in love.”
“Yeah,” Jason said. “Thanks. This might be a weird question, but do you hate me?”
Nathaniel frowned. “Why, just because you almost ruined my chances of getting back together with Caesar? Or because you were instrumental in him getting caught by his parents again, making it harder for us to see each other? Or maybe because you slept with him, even when you knew he and I were together?”
Jason swallowed. “That about sums it up.”
Nathaniel clapped him on the shoulder, nearly knocking Jason over in the process. “All water under the bridge. In fact, what you did made it easier to finally leave the guy. I even thought of you when Caesar showed up last month.”
“Last month?” Jason asked. “Wait, you’ve seen him recently?”
Nathaniel nodded. “He rolled into town four or five weeks ago. Had a big sob story about his parents cutting him off and that he needed a place to stay. I was dumb enough to let him, but after a few weeks of him trying to get back in my pants, I decided I’d had enough. Nothing he could say or do would ever make me take him back. Not after what happened in college.”
Jason suspected more than just arguing had caused them to break up, but that was the least of his concerns. “Wasn’t Caesar living on the East Coast?”
“Yeah,” Nathaniel said. “He said he came all the way to Austin just to be with me. Said the same thing on my voicemail the other night. I don’t think I deleted it.” Nathaniel pulled out his phone and held it up. “Want to hear his voice again?”
Jason nodded numbly, listened as Caesar desperately asked Nathaniel to see him again.
I came all this way just to be with you. I’m still here, and it’s not working out, but I can’t bring myself to leave. Please. Just call me back. Talk to me. I know we can make this work.
Nathaniel studied his face while he listened, but Jason was too shocked to hide anything. When the message came to an end, Nathaniel pushed a button and returned the phone to a pocket inside his suit.
“You’ve seen him too, haven’t you?”
Jason scowled. “Where do you think he’s been staying?”
“Oh,” Nathaniel said. “I didn’t realize—”
Jason spun around, heading for the gallery exit. He spotted Tim on his way and made a detour. “Can you give Emma and William a ride home?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Tim said, looking concerned. “Is everything okay?”
“I finally made my decision. Tell Ben that. He’ll understand.”
Jason stomped out of the gallery, gathering his anger around him like a thick coat to keep himself hot. He’d harness this rage to do what needed to be done. He hopped into his car and tried to make himself drive safely, but he was too furious. Enough so that he went through a red light, a car honking and swerving to avoid him. Jason took a series of deep breaths, focusing on the speedometer and the road ahead. If he got killed now, he would be cheating himself of William.
Jason arrived back at the apartment in one piece. When he burst inside, he halted instantly in his tracks. The place had changed. A tasteful statue stood next to the couch. A candelabra on the coffee table provided candlelight. A quilt had been draped across Emma’s favorite chair. He stared at these things in puzzlement before he heard hammering coming from the bedroom. Jason crept in that direction, feeling like he was in the wrong home. In his room he found Caesar lifting a large painting, trying to get the mounting wire to catch on a nail in the wall.
“What are you doing?” Jason asked.
Caesar finished hanging the painting and stepped back. “Tah-dah!”
Jason didn’t even look at it. “What the hell are you doing?”
Caesar’s smile faltered. “I thought I’d bring in a few of my things. Show you how nice it could be if we lived together.
“
Lived together?
” Jason demanded. “Are you kidding me?”
Caesar looked vulnerable. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“When did you first come to Austin? Honestly. Tell me!”
“You know when.”
“Yeah, I do,” Jason said, “so cut the crap. Why did you come back to Texas? The truth.”
Caesar clenched his jaw and sat on the edge of the bed. “I didn’t lie. I wanted to see you too. I was having a hard night, and I was looking up people I missed. When I saw both of you were in the same city, it felt like a sign.”
“But who did you go to first?” Jason demanded. “Let me rephrase that. Who was your first choice?”
Caesar licked his lips. “You know how I feel about him. Nathaniel was my first love. He got in deep. That’s hard to shake.”
Jason snorted. “You were my first love, and you know what? You’re not my first choice.”
“I know,” Caesar said quietly. “But I thought I could be. When I found out you were single, I figured I could be that guy for you. I thought about how much I wanted Nathaniel, even though I couldn’t have him, and I wanted to give that dream to you, be the incomparable first love that you yearned for. And
I
wanted to be with you. I still do.”
“Right. Obviously. That’s why you called Nathaniel and begged for him to take you back.”
Caesar shook his head wearily. “I called him because, ever since William showed up, it’s been obvious that what you really need is him. There’s no room left in your life for me. I’m not blind.”
He wished Caesar had shouted this, had fought back instead of speaking in the resigned honesty that stole the wind from Jason’s sails. He tried his best to claw his way back up to anger anyway. “You called Nathaniel. From under my roof. As my boyfriend.”
“I know,” Caesar said, turning to face him. “Can you honestly say nothing has happened between you and William under this roof? As my boyfriend.”
Jason thought of when William kissed him, and although it wasn’t exactly his doing, he certainly had enjoyed it.
Caesar exhaled. “You don’t have to answer. I don’t blame you if anything happened. And I know calling Nathaniel was wrong, but just think how you would feel if William didn’t want you. Think about how much you love him, and then pretend he won’t even answer your calls. I got desperate, and frankly, a little scared, because no one seems to want me anymore. Not my family, not Nathaniel, not even you.”
Jason sighed and sat on the bed next to Caesar. “You’re supposed to lie, or worse, say that you’re sorry, which would make me even angrier. Then I’d kick you out and this whole mess would be over with.”
“I’m sorry,” Caesar said.
“Get the hell out of my apartment,” Jason deadpanned. When Caesar stood, Jason grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. “There’s not much point in arguing about this, is there? Not when we both want to be with other people.”
“I could imagine being very happy with you,” Caesar said. “But no, I don’t want to fight. Not when the battle is already lost.”
Jason looked over at him and swallowed. “You were the best thing that happened to me when I was a teenager. You know that? Even though it ended badly, you gave me hope that I could find love again someday. And I really did love you. So much that it hurt. I still love you. But not in the same way. Not anymore.”
“You grew up,” Caesar said, biting his lip. His eyes were wet as he turned to Jason. “You have no idea how amazing you’ve become. You used to be this angry little guy who hated the very thing he needed. Now you’ve got a family and a home and friends, and you’re incredible. It’s good to see you like this, but I’ve lost all of those things, and I don’t think either one of us wants to reverse roles. I can’t be the same person to you I once was, and I don’t want you to take care of me. It doesn’t feel right. And I love you too, but not like I love him.”
Jason put an arm around Caesar. “You’re wrong about one thing. I do want to take care of you. I can be your family, I can be your friend, and you’ve got a home here for as long as you need it. But that’s it.”
“That’s it?” Caesar said, managing a laugh. “Sounds like a lot!”
Jason shrugged. “It’s all fairly standard. Welcome to foster care. You’ll be going to church every Sunday, and doing lots of chores, but don’t worry, we have chore rewards.”
“Oh boy!” Caesar said. He rested his elbows on his knees and considered the carpet. “I’ll sign a lease on that apartment,” he said. “Doing so will force me to get a job. I don’t want you taking care of me, but maybe after a little time, we can give friendship a shot.”
“Or family,” Jason said. “You started out as my big brother, don’t forget.”
Caesar grimaced. “Still sounds creepy after all these years.”
“Yeah,” Jason admitted. “It does. Friends it is.”
Caesar nodded. “Are you and William together already?”
“No. Why?”
Caesar grinned. “Breakup sex? It was so awesome last time.”
Jason laughed and shoved him away. “Not on your life!”
* * * * *
William showed up at the door holding two large Tupperware containers and looking puzzled. Once Jason showed him into the apartment, William walked into the kitchen and set the containers on the counter.
“You might want to be careful when eating these,” he said. “Mom kept giggling the whole time she packed them. I think she may have discovered hashish.”
Jason peeled back a plastic lid to discover oatmeal cookies. Complete with raisins. In the other he found peanut butter cookies. These brought back a happy memory, and despite having the apartment all to himself—Caesar had moved out and Emma was busy with her own personal dramas—Jason suddenly felt like getting outside to the warm weather.
“Let’s go for a picnic,” he suggested.
“Sure.” Then William leaned close and whispered. “Where’s Caesar?”
Jason kept a serious face. “I don’t think he’ll mind.”
William still didn’t know. Jason had taken the past week off, just for himself. He didn’t want to hop from one relationship to another. He also wanted Caesar to be out of the apartment, to avoid any awkward situations or hurt feelings. Mostly, Jason just needed the extra time to calm down, to not feel so emotionally torn. He still felt plenty of emotions now, but one dominated the others, sweet and pure.
Just in case, he had asked Ms. Townson to call him if William talked about leaving town. He hadn’t, obviously, making it possible now for him and William to dig through the refrigerator and stand at the counter making sandwiches together, all of which felt delightfully domestic. This would be their life together. Spreading margarine on white bread and debating if Swiss or American cheese was better. With any luck, they would be spending countless days this way, doing little mundane tasks that were so much better with someone to share them with.
They were in agreement as to where the picnic would take place. The choice was obvious. Jason drove them outside of Austin, past where he used to live with Ben and Tim, stopping only when they got to St. Edwards Park. They grinned at each other over the car when they parked, then squabbled over which way they had originally gone. Eventually, they found it. A little spot by the creek, a miniature waterfall in the distance. William started wolfing down the sandwiches. Jason contented himself with cookies. Then they chugged down bottled water and stretched out next to each other, taking in the blissful scenery.
“Ironic, isn’t it?” William said.
“What?”
“Us being here. Last time you were single and I was in a bad relationship. Now I’m single and you’re…”
“What are you trying to say?” Jason asked. “Are you saying I’m in a bad relationship?”
“No!” William said quickly. “I’m sure he’s really nice. I just meant it feels the same.”
“Oh, you mean you wish I was free to lean over, just like this, and kiss you.”
William pulled away. “And then we had a discussion about not putting each other in awkward positions.”
“Did we?” Jason said with a grin, casually brushing his arm up against him. “I don’t remember that at all.”