Or the older man with a George Clooney vibe, decked out in a designer suit and enough jewelry to signify wealth. Jason should be used to his type from the parties Marcello threw, but so many of those men were couples. Flirtatious, sure, but mostly settled down and not so… on the prowl. Jason sucked on his beer, taking it all in and missing the days when he’d been young enough to attend a humble youth group in a church classroom.
“Why did you want me here with you?” Ben said, voice raised to be heard over the dance music.
“You’re my wing man!” Jason replied.
Ben grinned. “Yeah, but why didn’t you want Tim to come too?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Jason said, “but if Tim was sitting next to me right now, no one would have even noticed me yet.”
Ben didn’t look offended. Instead he seemed to understand perfectly. Of course it also didn’t hurt that the George Clooney look-alike strolled over and asked Ben if he wanted to dance. Ben held up his hand, showing off the engagement ring and shook his head. Then George Clooney glanced over at Jason before retreating.
“Ouch,” Jason said. “I’m not even second choice.”
“He doesn’t think he can get with you,” Ben said. “Guys like that are insecure. Otherwise they wouldn’t flaunt their wealth so much.”
“Or maybe I didn’t meet his standards,” Jason replied.
Ben waved away this thought, as if it were impossible. Then he wiggled his ring finger again. “He probably thought we were together.”
“I’m so glad Tim finally asked!”
“Me too. I never expected him to. I’ve always been the one to push our relationship further, and I figured eventually I’d be down on one knee. I wasn’t ready quite yet—”
“You weren’t?”
Ben shrugged. “I felt content. Everything has been so perfect that I didn’t think I needed more. But when he asked…” Ben looked overwhelmed for a moment. “I guess it made me realize just how badly I did want it.”
Jason nudged him. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing by being here? Sometimes I try to figure out what you would do in my shoes, and I think you would have waited for Tim if he went off to the Coast Guard. Or you would have moved up there without asking.”
Ben shook his head. “I didn’t always chase after Tim. I did until we were together, but afterwards, when he broke up with me, that was it. All those years I could have looked him up and chased him down, but at a certain point, you want a guy to be with you because he’s willing, not because you’re giving him the hard sell.”
Jason considered this. “So you didn’t wait for him to come back?”
“I waited. I told myself I would move on and even tried dating another guy, but I soon realized I couldn’t feel the same about anyone else. Not at that point. So yeah, I did sit around and hope. For the rest of high school, I was waiting. Then, when I went off to college, I decided to try again. If I hadn’t, I might not have met Jace or at least been willing to go on a date with him.”
Jason glanced around, wondering if love could really be found in a place like this or if he was open to it yet. “I feel guilty just being here,” he said. “Did you feel that way at first?”
“After Tim?” Ben asked. “No. Not exactly. I felt horrible the first time I was with another guy, but that had more to do with him not being Tim or someone I loved.”
“And after Jace?” Jason asked. Then he worried he was being insensitive.
“It’s fine,” Ben reassured him. “When Tim came back into my life, I’d been dealing with Jace’s death for years. I’d had time to come to terms with it and was so happy to see Tim and experience all those wonderful emotions again.” Ben grinned goofily before growing serious. “Later it became a little confusing. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, thinking Jace was next to me. Or I wondered if I was doing the right thing. When Jace and I got married, I made a promise. There was no ‘’til death do us part’ in our vows. In fact, I didn’t have any vows at all.”
“Huh?”
Ben looked bashful. “I kind of blanked during the ceremony, but in my mind, I was making a promise. Jace and I were going to be together forever. In a way, we still are.” Ben held up his left hand, the ring there different from the one Tim had given him. Then he held up the other hand with the engagement ring on it. “
This
makes it better. Tim and I are getting married, and I feel like it shows Jace that I’m not just messing around because he’s no longer here. The love I feel for Tim is serious. Sure, part of me will always feel like I should live my life alone until Jace and I can be together again, but the rest of me wants to be happy and feel loved and to give that back. I’m pretty sure Jace would be okay with that.”
“I’m envious,” Jason said, “but I’m also not sure if I’m ready for a new relationship.”
“There’s only one way to find out,” Ben said. “See anyone you want to dance with?”
Jason didn’t have to search far. He stood and offered Ben his hand. “Can I have this dance?”
Ben pretended to fan himself, then accepted his hand, hopped off the stool, and walked with him to the dance floor. That was the end of their physical contact. They danced together, sometimes acting silly and other times seriously shaking their rumps to the rhythm, but they didn’t gyrate against each other like some couples did. Maybe this is what communicated they were available. A guy with dark hair and even darker eyes casually danced his way between them until he was facing Jason. He gave a smile and an upward nod of his head, so Jason returned the gesture. Their dance became a lot more intimate. The guy kept putting his hands on Jason—on his hips, his neck, his chest, even ran his fingers across Jason’s lips like he was trying to rub off lipstick.
As mildly erotic as this was, the guy wasn’t Jason’s type, which was weird since he was young and good-looking and definitely sexy… but he wasn’t William. After dancing some more, Jason managed to shoot Ben a panicked expression without the guy noticing. Ben came to his rescue, grabbing Jason’s hand and pulling him off the dance floor like a jealous boyfriend.
“Another drink?” Ben asked.
Jason considered all the faces that had caught his eye, all the people he’d scoped out the first hour he and Ben had sat and drank. He couldn’t imagine any of them coming up, asking him to dance or offering their phone number, and him feeling happy about it. At times he longed for his younger days when a pretty face was all it took to make him feel infatuated, a couple of kind words enough to make him fall in love. William had cured him of his careless heart, Jason no longer able to fall as quickly or hard as he once had. He knew Ben was right. Eventually he’d have to shove aside his fears and at the very least give someone else a shot. But not quite yet.
“We can go,” Jason said. “That’s enough for my first bar experience.”
“Too bad,” Ben said, leading the way toward the front door. “I can’t remember the last time I danced like that.”
“Tim doesn’t like to?”
“He’s good for a slow dance, but besides that, I always tell him, ‘Honey, you might be Latino, but you’re no Ricky Martin.’”
Jason laughed, feeling relieved when they were outside and he could breathe in the cool autumn air. As they headed for the car, Ben was talking about the time he’d goaded Tim into taking a Samba class, which was probably why he didn’t hear the person calling after them.
“Hey!”
Jason spun around. By the door of the bar, a figure leaned against the wall. His features were lost in the hoodie he wore, but what Jason could see looked rough. The man took a few steps forward, gestured for Jason to come over to him. A breeze picked up in the parking lot, cooling the sweat on Jason’s skin and making him shiver. He shook his head, not understanding if it was sex, drugs, or well-meaning advice being offered, but instinctually knowing he wasn’t interested. Jason turned and hurried to catch up with Ben. As they were pulling out of the parking lot, he craned his neck to look at the bar entrance, but the man was no longer there.
* * * * *
Was it awesome?
Emma texted.
Jason kicked off his shoes and flopped into bed.
Sure.
Were there lots of hot lezzies?
Jason thought about it. He’d noticed a few women at the bar, and presumably some of them were hot.
Oodles
, he texted back.
OMG!!! Wait! Was Bonnie there?
He laughed, thumbs flying across the keys.
No or I would have said so. I danced with a really hot guy.
And?
I’m not ready to settle down yet. Still playing the field.
So easy to act badass while texting. He waited for Emma’s response, puzzled when it came.
I saved a life tonight.
Jason scrutinized the screen, sitting upright when he saw the message was actually from William. He reread it again, this time hearing it in William’s voice.
I saved a life tonight.
And it hurt. The last thing Jason needed was for William to remind him how awesome he was, how no one else could ever compare. Jason thought long and hard about what his response should be, and he wasn’t proud of it exactly, but he needed to push back a little, just to see what would happen.
Wow. All I did tonight was go to a gay bar.
Then came a five-minute wait. Emma texted a few more times, but he ignored these. Finally, William’s response appeared on his screen.
I want you to be happy.
Jason groaned, feeling horrible for having told William, for changing good news into something complex and awkward.
I’m proud of you.
Jason texted back, as quickly as he could.
So crazy hugely proud of you! You’re my hero. You always will be.
After this was sent, Jason tossed aside the phone, buried his head under a pillow, and willed the world to disappear.
Bleary-eyed, Jason crawled out of bed, reached for his phone, and found nothing of interest on the screen. No texts from William, just as there hadn’t been for the last three days. Jason wasn’t sending any either, meaning they were back to not talking to each other. Or maybe William was just busy, or felt betrayed by Jason’s visit to the gay bar, or any number of things. Their relationship—be it friends or something more—had become a guessing game. Jason relieved his bladder in the bathroom, and then went back to his phone to check the time and his work schedule. He was up early this morning. At least that meant he wouldn’t have to rush.
He found Ben downstairs in the kitchen, having his usual tea, but nothing else was on the table.
“Tim went to get donuts,” he explained.
In that case, Jason would get his sugar rush started right. He grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and sat down across from Ben. Coke can and tea cup clinked together, as if they were champagne glasses, before carbonated bliss poured down Jason’s throat. After a satisfied gasp worthy of a commercial, Jason smacked his lips and asked, “You guys set a date for the wedding yet?”
“No,” Ben said. “The idea of getting married is way more romantic than the endless preparations, as Tim is discovering. He’s already stressing about certain family members being there—on both sides—and if we should go to a state where it’s legal, what season it should take place in, what we should wear…”
“Poor guy.”
“Mm-hm.” Ben took a sip of his tea. “Right now I’m letting him stress about it. Eventually I’ll step in and take care of it all.”
Jason shook his head. “You’re so mean!”
Ben grinned over the cup. “Sometimes.”
“You guys can afford to hire a wedding planner, right?”
Ben shrugged. “Just because we have money, doesn’t mean we should spend it. Sounds like Tim is back already. He’s been speeding again.”
To Jason, the car sounded like it needed a tune-up. They yawned and blinked, waiting for their delivery of sugar-fried fat, and looking puzzled at each other when they heard Chinchilla barking in the backyard. Ben expressed what they were both wondering.
“Why didn’t he come in the front—”
A snarl of thunder interrupted him, a numb silence following. Even Chinchilla’s barks had ceased. No, not thunder! Jason stood up when he recognized the sound. He’d heard it over and over again when he and Caesar had practiced on the firing range. And a few dark times during his one and only hunting trip.
The backdoor opened and closed. Jason was looking around for any sort of weapon he could find when Ben also stood, face in shock when he noticed the stranger in the kitchen doorway.
Except he wasn’t a stranger. Not completely. The guy outside the bar, the one who had tried to call Jason over the other night. When the man pulled back his hoodie with his free hand—the other holding a shaking gun—Jason recognized who he was. The painting in the attic, the one so handsome that Jason had snuck up there occasionally just to admire it, now stood there in the flesh, living and breathing. The name came to his lips, the one Ben, Tim, and even Marcello said with grave solemnity.
“Ryan.”
The gun raised, pointed directly at him, and Jason knew what it felt like to be helpless, to be so close to death and absolutely powerless to escape.
“Who are you?” Ryan asked, eyes narrowing. They were practically slits when they turned to Ben. His mouth became a sneer, making him look more like a monster than a man. Odd, since just seconds ago, he had still been handsome. Sure he looked like he needed a bath, a shave, and a few weeks’ worth of sleep, but beneath all that grime and wear, Jason had seen the beauty Tim had captured in the portrait. Except now it had been replaced by hate that turned Jason’s spine to ice.
“You,” Ryan said, gun hand trembling as he focused on Ben. “I knew it! You didn’t see me the other night, did you? I guess I’m beneath your notice now. But your little friend saw me.” The gun moved back and forth between them, like Ryan couldn’t decide who to shoot first. Finally, it settled on Jason. “Who is he?”
“Just put the gun down,” Ben said, taking a step forward.
The barrel of the gun instantly moved to stop him, Ryan trembling as he rubbed the sweat from his eyes with his free hand. Was he scared? Or were these the shakes of a desperate junkie?