“I’ve got it,” Peter said.
“No!” Mr. Hubbard hissed the very word on Jason’s mind, but his relief was short-lived. “Let Caesar take it, son.”
“But—”
“This is his last trip! You and I have plenty more together.”
Jason glanced back and forth between them. Peter’s jaw was flexing hard, his brow low. Then Jason turned the other way, saw the look of surprise on Caesar’s face before he gave a curt nod, adjusted his gun, and placed his cheek against the stock, just like he had once laid his head on Jason’s leg so his hair could be toyed with.
Jason looked back at the clearing, at the buck whose head had turned to consider them, as if asking what they intended to do.
“He’ll never hit it,” Peter muttered.
He couldn’t miss! The animal was ridiculously close, and Jason had seen Caesar pick countless clay pigeons out of the distant sky. Even without the benefit of buckshot splaying wide, the slugs loaded in their guns would be enough to bring down the deer, no matter where Caesar hit it.
The shot rang out, Jason flinching at the same time as the deer. He waited for the beast to cry out in pain, to topple over and never move again, but instead it started running. Not understanding, Jason glanced over at Caesar just in time to see him lowering the barrel, the angle much too high to hit anything but the tree tops. Caesar glanced at him, a hint of warning in his eyes. Jason understood and looked away. Caesar had fired into the air on purpose. He had saved—
BOOM!
Jason’s left ear went numb from the sound, his body recoiling instinctively. Next to him Peter was on his knees, eyes and mouth wide with wild abandonment. Jason looked at the clearing to see the deer on its front knees, the back legs still kicking as it tried to escape. It toppled over just as Jason got to his feet. He raced across the leaves to reach it, not caring if Mr. Hubbard was aiming a kill shot that would hit him instead. Up close, the buck was gigantic. Jason could smell the musky scent, feel heat radiating off its body. Most of all he could see the panic in its eye as it huffed. The once flawless white crest on its neck was now stained pink with splatter from the hole in its shoulder. Jason saw the wound and acted instinctively, dropping on his knees to press a palm against it, but there was so much blood that his hand slipped off. He tried again, a guttural sound coming from the animal’s throat, causing him to worry he was hurting it further. Jason stared into its eyes, wanting to communicate that he was trying to help, but the animal wasn’t watching him anymore, its eyes growing dim. The dark orbs became distant, unfocused, and then still.
The tears came then, accompanied by an angry snarl. Jason stood, marching back toward the others who were standing now. He wanted his shotgun, wanted to put a bullet through Peter to see how he liked it. The little shit was laughing, pleased with himself for having taken down an animal with technology it couldn’t comprehend. What a fucking hero! Forget the gun. Jason would wipe that smile off his face with his fists.
He was shouting something unintelligible when arms wrapped around him, lifting him off his feet and spinning him around. Confused, he looked up into Caesar’s concerned face and the anger inside him broke. The tears really started flowing then, and the snot. Jason pulled away and wiped at his face, smelling copper and tasting it on his lips.
Caesar’s mouth kept moving, shaping words Jason didn’t hear. He shook his head, looking away, trying to pull free from the hands gripping his arms. Finally, sound returned to his world.
“Jason!” Caesar shouted. “Hold still! You’re covered in blood.”
Jason raised his hands, saw the buck’s blood already beginning to darken and dry where it had smeared across his palms. Caesar stripped off the light jacket he was wearing, then his shirt, using it to wipe Jason’s hands, but getting the blood off completely was hopeless.
“What’s his problem?” Peter said from behind.
“Quiet,” Mr. Hubbard scolded. “Caesar, take him back to the cabin. We’ll finish up here.”
Caesar put an arm around Jason and guided him through the woods. Jason couldn’t understand what had happened, how they hadn’t experienced the same thing he had. Didn’t they see the beauty? How could they want to cut that down? What Peter had said made sense. This was a better way of getting and eating meat, but the way he had laughed… Jason couldn’t comprehend anyone taking joy in this act or how it could ever be called a sport.
His head was awhirl with confusing thoughts and emotions as they reached the cabin. He let Caesar take him to the bathroom, stared with detachment as Caesar washed his hands for him in the sink and dabbed at his face with a wash rag. Then Jason was led into the bedroom, where Caesar made him lie down. After rubbing his back and whispering soothing words, he turned to leave. Jason sat up on the bed, Caesar hesitating at the door.
“You need to rest,” he said. “Try to calm down. Maybe get some sleep.”
Jason couldn’t find the words, could only stare at him in need. Caesar sighed, shut the door and locked it. Then he walked to the bed.
“Lie down,” he said.
Jason did so, tensing up when he felt Caesar crawl into bed behind him and relaxing when he felt an arm wrap around him. He didn’t feel better. Jason still saw the dark eyes of the buck in his mind, heard the sound of its final breaths. But as he tried to comprehend the coldness of some actions, he was also reminded of a warmth he had once thought lost.
When Jason awoke, he was alone. The light in the room was brighter, the clouds having left the sky. The afternoon sun shone directly through his window on its journey toward the horizon. Despite the cheery atmosphere, he still felt upset. The memory of the buck remained painful, and now he faced other complications, the most immediate being a call of nature and his unwillingness to leave the room. He could hear the others, Peter’s voice the loudest. Jason could imagine his smug expression and how cocky he’d be for doing what Caesar had failed to do. Everyone seemed to be in the kitchen, meaning Jason could probably sneak down the hall and return undetected.
Jason successfully navigated the hall to the bathroom and made it back, thinking he had pulled it off, but a few seconds later he heard a light rap on the door. When it opened, he was relieved to see the knocker was only Caesar—which was funny since lately he’d been the person Jason avoided most.
“Feeling better?”
“No,” Jason said honestly. “Can I stay in here?”
“For today, maybe. After that…” Caesar exhaled, as if this were a tall order. “I could drain my college fund. Buy this cabin so you can live forever in this room.”
Jason managed a fleeting smile. “I don’t want to face the others. Are they…”
Caesar shut the door behind him. “Peter is still bragging. He’s not really interested in how you acted because he wants all the praise he can get from Dad. He’ll probably say something snide when you do come out, but you shouldn’t react to it. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Dad worries this trip traumatized you, but luckily, he’s more preoccupied with his disappointment in me. So really, the heat is off you.”
“Sorry,” Jason said. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I saw what you tried to do.”
Caesar shrugged and leaned against the closed door. “Didn’t do much good. You want me to bring you dinner when it’s ready?”
Jason swallowed. “Are we eating the buck?”
“Not tonight. Dad had a guy from the hunting lodge pick it up and it’s being… uh, prepared.”
“Butchered,” Jason said. “I’m okay with that. I don’t want it to have died for nothing.”
“Oh, okay. Yeah, so we’ll get the meat, and Peter wants the head mounted, but I can promise you that my mom will make him keep it in his room. She’s not a big fan of hunting.”
“Fine with me,” Jason said. “I won’t be hanging out in his room anymore.”
“Listen,” Caesar said, “about tonight, maybe I can talk Peter into bunking with me. I’m sure he’d love to hold me captive and flaunt his big achievement. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it, but that way you don’t have to be around him.”
The idea of staying with Mr. Hubbard didn’t sound appealing either. He wasn’t the kind of guy Jason felt like being vulnerable around. The only person he wanted to be with was standing right in front of him. “Let Peter stay with your dad tonight.”
Caesar balked. “But that would mean… Oh. I’ll take the couch so you can—”
“Stay with me,” Jason said. “Please.”
Caesar put his arms over his chest, started knocking one heel against the door as if nervous. Then he nodded and turned around. “I’ll see what I can do.”
* * * * *
Jason stared at the shadows on the ceiling. Outside the open window, bugs hummed in the early summer heat, interrupted now and again by sounds from the forest. The hoot of an owl, a chase through the brush, the high-pitched growl of some unidentified creature. Jason found himself wishing for the white noise that air conditioning provided, but he knew this wasn’t the reason he couldn’t sleep.
During the brief moments of silence outside, he could hear enough to tell he wasn’t alone in his insomnia. Caesar’s breathing wasn’t deep or restful. He kept tossing and turning. Jason bit his lip before deciding to roll over and face in his direction. The comforter lay crumpled on the floor, only a sheet remaining to cover Caesar’s waist. His former lover was lying on his back, one arm draped over his eyes.
Jason felt feverish with desire. He suspected he could creep out of bed and take what he wanted, but only one thing stopped him. Nathaniel. Jason was sure he and Caesar were in a relationship. If something happened tonight, Jason would be the one Caesar was cheating with, instead of on. Revenge? Probably not, because he was pretty sure from Nathaniel’s reaction at the library that he hadn’t known. Jason couldn’t claim such ignorance. Not this time. If he took what he wanted tonight, he would be helping someone cheat.
And yet, Jason still needed what he needed. The comfort physical closeness could bring, the dream of Caesar holding him until morning finally realized. Jason cared about Nathaniel getting hurt, and yet it didn’t matter because his own feelings were so much more present and demanding. He wondered if that was how Caesar had felt, if he had considered how wrong and hurtful sleeping with both of them would have been, but still felt compelled by emotion and lust to do so anyway. Maybe this made Caesar’s actions forgivable. If he were to sit up in bed right now, turn to Jason and ask forgiveness, he would grant it. Hell, there wasn’t anything Jason wouldn’t give to him right now.
He
needed
to. Body, heart, and even his occasionally reasonable mind all wanted this. Jason got out of bed, walked to Caesar, and took hold of his wrist to move away his arm. He wanted to look him in the eye before they kissed. Caesar jerked away, but his expression wasn’t entirely surprised. Jason bent over to bring their lips together, Caesar dodging. Then he swung his legs around to sit up.
“What are you doing?” Caesar asked.
“You know what I’m doing,” Jason replied.
“Don’t.”
Jason reached out to brush a hand against his cheek, thought fading as his body filled with desire. Caesar grabbed his wrist to stop him, so Jason used the other hand until that arm too was captured. Jason wasn’t discouraged. He stepped forward, bringing his body close, using his weight to push Caesar back onto the bed, laying on top of him. Caesar, still holding Jason’s wrists, forced him to roll over and pinned him to the mattress.
“I told you to stop,” Caesar said.
“I don’t care,” Jason replied.
He could feel Caesar’s hardness pressing against him, so Jason lifted his head to try for a kiss.
“Nathaniel.” Caesar said the name like a warning, or maybe a reminder of all that had gone wrong.
“I don’t care,” Jason repeated. “I need you. Please.”
Caesar searched his face. He was clearly conflicted, which hurt and was endearing and didn’t matter anymore, because Jason thought he’d go crazy if he didn’t get what he wanted. He felt so damn much right now that there was only one way to verbalize it.
“I love you.”
Caesar released his wrists, splayed a palm beside Jason’s head to support himself before bringing their faces together, but they didn’t kiss. Not yet.
“This is the last time,” Caesar said. “Promise me.”
“I promise,” Jason said, and in his heart he knew it was a lie, so he made up for it by repeating the truth. “I love you so much.”
Caesar kissed him, and while their lips were busy, Jason put his hands all the places he had longed for. Mostly he held on to Caesar, clutching him tight as the night wore on. Jason did anything he could think of to bring him close, did things that hurt and felt good at the same time. Even after they were both exhausted and Caesar tried to roll off him, Jason wouldn’t allow it. The comfort of his weight pressing down was too important, helped maintain the illusion that they could be like this forever—that willpower alone could stop them from being torn apart.
* * * * *
The creaking of the floorboards awoke Jason. He wondered if Caesar was trying to sneak out, or maybe back in after using the restroom. Except Jason was still wrapped in his arms, body warm where their skin touched and chilly elsewhere because they’d lost the sheet sometime in the night. Caesar was breathing heavily into his ear, drool dripping down Jason’s neck, but he was too happy to mind. Instead he tugged on one of Caesar’s arms to pull him closer, trying to use him like a blanket.
Then the floorboard creaked again. Jason raised his head in puzzlement and saw Peter standing not far away, pocket knife in hand. He was smiling, looking even happier than he had yesterday when he’d taken down the buck. Jason’s eyes darted back down to the blade, wondering if Peter had developed a taste for blood.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Peter said, gesturing at him with the knife. “This isn’t for you. I used it to get the door open. My clothes are still in the drawer and I couldn’t figure out why you two were locked away in here. Of course, I had my suspicions.”
Next to him, Caesar was stirring. Jason had the urge to cover them both, even though it was pointless now. He could feel Caesar’s erection against his hip, both exposed to air. There would be no explaining this away, no twist that could make the scene innocent.