“She makes you feel alive, doesn’t she?”
Ryan slowly nodded. “Like never before.”
***
“You could hang around here a few days,” Morgan offered the next morning. “Cody has certainly enjoyed having the girls here.”
Ryan followed her gaze to where the three dogs were playfully fighting over one of Cody’s toys. She was tempted to stay. The thought of going up to the cabin—alone—was unsettling. But she couldn’t put it off forever.
“Maybe I’ll stay one more night,” she conceded. “But I’ll pick up some steaks at Lou’s. You know how Reese likes to sit out and grill.”
“Deal.”
Ryan sipped her coffee, wondering why Morgan hadn’t left for work yet. “You staying home today?”
Morgan nodded. “It’s Monday. Not a lot going on. Tina and Greg can handle things.”
“Babysitting me?” she guessed.
Morgan smiled. “I thought you might want to talk.”
“Are you going to yell at me again?”
“No.” Morgan sat across from her, sipping her own coffee. “Did she like your hair?”
Ryan remembered Jen’s fingers as they brushed through it. “Yes. Yes she did.” She cleared her throat, then looked at Morgan. “I’m not...I’m not strong enough, Morgan.”
Morgan’s eyes softened as she nodded. “Yes, you are.”
“No. I couldn’t chance it. I couldn’t possibly go see her again. I couldn’t take the rejection.”
Morgan reached across the table, taking her hand. “Ryan, why do you think Jen would reject you? Jen...she’s not like the others. She doesn’t know who you are. She doesn’t care what your name is.”
“No. I couldn’t take the chance. It would break my heart.”
Morgan pulled her hand away. “Yeah. Well, just think about
yourself
, why don’t you? What about Jen? Do you think about her? You’ve probably already broken her heart.”
Ryan shook her head. “You don’t know that.”
“She’s in love with you. She was already in love with you when she left here. Why do you think she was crying?”
Ryan stared at her, speechless.
“Don’t let this chance pass you by, Ryan. Love doesn’t come around often. You’ve got to grab it when it does.” She shook her head slowly. “You know how Reese and I met. You know our story. We were both too stubborn to admit we’d fallen in love and had broken our silly no-strings agreement.”
“This is different.”
“Is it? Love is love, Ryan.”
Ryan stood up, walking away from the table. “Is it love, Morgan? Is it really? We spent two months together and shared one kiss. We slept together. Is it love?”
“You really are terrified, aren’t you?”
“I feel like my life is coming unraveled,” she admitted. “My safe, solitary life...the life I’ve grown to love, is coming apart at the seams. So, yes, I’m terrified.” She shoved the chair against the table. “I’ve got to get it back. We’ll take a rain check on steaks, okay? I need to...I just need to go. Get back to the cabin.”
Ryan whistled for the dogs, then did what she did best.
She ran away.
Jen stared at the picture, memorizing every detail. She didn’t know why she was torturing herself, but she couldn’t help it. The camera had caught Ryan unaware, her attention on the young woman beside her. Jen refused to speculate on who the blonde was, keeping her attention on Ryan instead.
Catherine.
She shook her head. No, it was Ryan. She would always be Ryan to her.
Her phone rang and she glanced at the number, not recognizing it. She closed her laptop before answering.
“Jen Kincaid,” she said.
“Jen, hi. This is Morgan, from Colorado. You may not remember me, I’m—”
“Of course I remember you.” She paused, feeling her pulse race to life nervously. “How is she?”
“Not great,” Morgan said.
“That makes two of us.”
“I figured as much.”
“I suppose she told you?”
“Yes. She didn’t mean to hurt you, Jen. She thought she was doing the right thing.”
“By leaving me? By coming here and...and...and then just leaving?”
“I know. You’ve got to understand. She’s—”
“She’s running,” Jen said. “She’s been running. That’s why she lives the way she does.” Jen took a deep breath. “I know who she is. I saw...I saw her on TV. I saw her face and I couldn’t believe it was her. Now I know what she’s been running from. And I understand why she didn’t tell me who she was. I know she didn’t want me to judge her. But to me, she’s still just
Ryan
.”
“She told me she was afraid to tell you. She said she was afraid you’d think she was a fraud.”
“I would never think that. I don’t care who she is. I don’t care about all that.” She stared off into space. “I feel so empty inside, Morgan. I miss her so much.” She bit her lip, knowing what she needed to do. “I want to see her.” She took a deep breath, hesitating. “Do you think that’s a good idea? Do you think I should come up? I mean, I couldn’t bear the rejection if she just sent me away. I think I’d rather live with the
what if’s
than to go up there and have her send me away.”
“She won’t send you away, Jen. She’s fallen hard for you, it seems.”
Jen closed her eyes, not daring to believe it. “I’m afraid.”
“Yes, so is she. Jen, Ryan’s not one for talking. She’s used to running. Right now, I think she’s terrified of how she feels. I know she regrets what she did, but she still thinks what she did was best for you. I talked to her some, but she left here the other day in a panic. We haven’t heard from her since.”
“She’s hiding,” Jen said, knowing with certainty that Ryan was.
“Yes. Unfortunately she can’t hide from herself.”
Ryan stood at the window, watching the day dawn over her little slice of heaven. Only it hadn’t exactly felt like heaven to her in months. She glanced down, seeing both dogs watching her.
“I miss her,” she said.
Sierra tilted her head, listening.
“You probably miss her too.” She was almost disappointed when she got no response.
She went to the kitchen, tossing out her cold coffee and refilling her cup—her third of the morning already. The silence in the cabin was deafening. Each day, it seemed to get louder and louder. So much so that she spent nearly every daylight hour outside, hiking, moving around, anything to keep from being alone in the cabin.
She rarely opened her laptop, rarely turned on the TV. She was in a funk and she knew it. She should go down the mountain, hang out with Morgan and Reese for a few days, hang out at Sloan’s Bar. Hell, drive to Gunnison or something. Anything to escape the silent hell she found herself in.
But she hadn’t spoken with Morgan or Reese since the day she fled. Morgan’s words still rang in her ears.
“She’s in love with you. She was already in love with you when she left here. Why do you think she was crying?”
Had Jen fallen in love with her? Was that possible? Did she dare believe that someone could love her? Love
her
, not love her name. If she was being completely honest with herself, she would admit that yes, Jen had taken her heart when she left here. And had locked it up even tighter after she’d visited her in Santa Fe.
Visited? No, they hadn’t visited. They’d made love. Over and over. They hadn’t talked. Not really.
We made love.
Ryan closed her eyes, remembering Jen’s touch, remembering it like it was yesterday. Yet it seemed so long ago since she’d seen her, touched her, felt her.
She ached for her still. Ached to hear her voice. Ached to touch her. Ached to have Jen touch her. Ached to make love with her again.
She put her cup down, walking purposefully to the door. She did what she did best.
She ran.
Ran from her thoughts. Ran from herself.
“Come on, girls.”
They burst out the door with her, out into the fresh air, away from the stifling silence of the cabin. She shut her thoughts off and headed down the mountain, hoping to find some peace.
Nothing looked familiar. It had been four months since she left, and the bright colors of summer had replaced the snow she remembered piled high on the side of the road. Thanks to Reese’s precise directions, though, she had no chance to take a wrong turn.
Jen gripped the steering wheel tightly, still not knowing what she was going to say to Ryan. She had tried to imagine Ryan’s reaction to her visit, and she just couldn’t. Part of her was afraid Ryan would tell her to leave. After all, this was her sanctuary. She lived a solitary life by choice. Jen didn’t want to assume Ryan would let her in. She hadn’t had a choice during the winter when Jen was stuck here. Now? She might tell Jen to head right back to Santa Fe. And that, of course, would break her.
Cheryl told her she was crazy to come up here, saying Jen was only asking for heartache. Maybe she was. But she couldn’t leave things as they were. She couldn’t let Ryan just run from her. Although she did try to prepare herself for the possibility that Ryan wouldn’t want her here, that Ryan would ask her to leave.
She was well past where her rented SUV had been buried by the avalanche. She glanced again at Reese’s map, slowing when she saw a road to the right. She turned off the forest road, seeing the posted Private Property signs, knowing she would soon come upon the cabin.
Her heart beat nervously. She swallowed her apprehension, knowing she was doing the right thing. Knowing that didn’t help ease her nerves, though. She bounced along the dirt road, making note of the landmarks Reese had told her to look for. It all looked so different when it was not buried in snow.
Finally, she saw it. The cabin. A black Jeep was parked to the side under one of the pines. She stopped her rental next to it, sitting still for several minutes, thinking Ryan would come out if she heard her. There was no movement, however, so she got out, her legs shaking with nervousness.
“You’re being ridiculous,” she muttered, although that did little to temper her uneasiness.
She paused at the door, knocking politely and waiting. Still nothing. She had a moment of panic, knowing Morgan and Reese hadn’t talked to Ryan in over a week. What if something had happened to her? What if she was injured? What if—
She shook her thoughts away, making her way around the cabin to the deck. She peered in through the windows, finding the inside as empty as she expected. Nothing looked disturbed or out of place.
She turned around on the deck, taking in the view, a view that always put her at ease for some reason. The sun was sinking lower, signaling the end to the day. Jen nodded, knowing immediately where she’d find Ryan.
She hurried around the cabin, finding the trail that would take her to the ridge...and the sunset. The altitude was affecting her; she had to stop several times to catch her breath. Finally, she crested the ridge, the sight before her making her stop in her tracks.
Ryan stood at the edge, facing west, her body silhouetted by the setting sun. Sierra and Kia stood beside her, one on either side, appearing to be watching the sunset, as enthralled by the sight as their master was. Jen stood spellbound as she watched them. She didn’t move, letting Ryan finish the show alone. How many times had Jen caught a sunset, always imagining Ryan just like this, standing on the ridge as she watched the day draw to a close.
I’m in love with her.
Just before the sun slipped totally behind the mountain, Sierra turned, spotting her. Jen held her breath as first Sierra, then Kia ran toward her, both barking a warning until they drew nearer, near enough to recognize her. Then tails wagged and both dogs jostled for attention around her legs.
She laughed, not realizing how much she’d missed them too. She finally looked up, feeling Ryan approaching as well. They stood there for countless seconds, neither speaking.
Jen stepped forward, saying the first thing that came to mind.
“I refuse to call you Catherine.”
Ryan stared at her. “You know?”
“Knowing what your name is doesn’t change anything, Ryan. At least not for me.” She tilted her head. “Why did you run?”
“I panicked. I just...I panicked. I thought I’d ruined your life.”
Jen nodded. “You did. You did ruin my life, Ryan. I’d just spent the most incredible, wonderful, beautiful night of my life, only to find you gone the next morning. You ran. I needed you there so badly the next morning. But you left me.”
“I’m so sorry, Jen. I didn’t know...if Brad was still in the picture. I thought maybe you were engaged. I just don’t know. I panicked.”
“Do you think I could have made love to you like that if I was planning to marry someone?”
Ryan shrugged. “I just didn’t know, Jen. I’m not used to this. I’m sorry.” She shoved her hands in her pockets. Jen wondered if it was to stop herself from coming closer, to perhaps touch her. Ryan looked around. “How did you find me?”
Jen smiled. “The sunset. Where else would you be?”
Ryan smiled too. “You think you know me, huh?”
Jen nodded. “I think I know you, the
real
you, better than anyone else does.” She took another step closer, amused by the frightened look in Ryan’s eyes. “Isn’t this where we’re supposed to hug or something?”
“I’m scared, Jen. I’m scared of this.”
“Me too.”
“I missed you...so much. It’s like I can’t get you out of my mind.”
“Then stop trying so hard to.”
Ryan looked away again. “Did you think of me?”
Jen nodded. “Daily. Nightly.”
Ryan looked back at her. “What happened with Brad?”
“I told him I wasn’t in love with him.”
Ryan nodded. “You broke his heart?”
“No. He knew. We’ve remained friends.” She kicked absently at a rock, wondering how much she could push Ryan without having her run. “So, are we just going to stand out here and visit? Or do you want me to leave? Or what? I don’t want to assume anything with you, Ryan.” Their eyes met, and Jen wouldn’t let her look away. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”