Silver Linings (34 page)

“What were you doing?”

He shrugged. “Working up the courage to come inside.”

“Oh Hudson, if only you knew how antsy I've been, hoping you'd contact me. I've been on pins and needles all day, wishing so hard that I'd hear from you.”

He smiled then and relaxed. “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes!”

Hudson gathered her close and kissed her as if he was dying for want of her, as though he couldn't get enough of what he needed in a single kiss.

By the time he pulled away they were both breathing hard and heavy, sagging against each other. Coco balanced her forehead against his. “You aren't going to change your mind again, are you?”

“No, but…”

“But?” There always seemed to be a
but
in conversations with Hudson.

“There's something you should know about me. I don't have much experience.”

“With what…relationships?”

He tensed and his hands tightened around her upper arms. “That, too, but I'm talking about sex. I know you've probably had partners with far more expertise and—”

Coco placed her hand over his mouth, stopping him. “It's a bit early to be talking about sexual compatibility, Hudson.”

His eyes widened. “See what I mean? I'll screw this up sure as anything.”

“Stop. You're doing fine, just promise you're not going to leave me again.”

“Okay.”

“As for my vast sexual experience, you might be surprised to know there hasn't been anyone since…since that awful night with Ryan.”

He shook his head as if he found it impossible to believe.

“I didn't feel I could trust another man or give my heart away,” Coco explained.

“You can trust me,” Hudson said.

“I believe I can,” Coco whispered. “In fact, there's no one I'd trust more than you, Hudson Hamilton.”

Christmas was fast approaching and Katie knew it would be a happy one for Coco and Hudson. The two were so much in love it was almost painful to be in the same room with them. They were so darn cute together, and happiness radiated off them like sunlight, warming those around them. Katie had never seen her friend this happy, and it did her own heart good to know that finding love was possible.

Perhaps not for her, though. Katie had yet to hear from James, and frankly she doubted that she would. Enough time had passed since her talk with Emily that Katie was convinced he was incapable of letting go of the past. She hadn't heard from Emily, either, not that she'd expected she would.

Dusk approached around four in the afternoon this time of year in the Pacific Northwest, and Katie took pains to leave her car beneath a streetlight in the office parking complex. She often stayed late and the lot could get deserted.

That wasn't the case, though, when she left work on the Friday a week before Christmas. Several cars were scattered about the lot. The sky had been overcast, and with temperatures dropping below freezing there had been talk of snow flurries that night. Katie suspected every kid in Seattle hoped that was the case.

Bundled up with her coat buttoned all the way to the top, a knitted scarf wrapped around her neck and a hat covering her head, she left the building. With her shoulders hunched and her head down, she strained against the wind and walked toward the parking lot.

The first time she noticed she wasn't alone was when she spied a man standing close to her vehicle. Immediately alarm filled her and she looked up, her car keys in her hand in a position to do damage, should someone choose to attack her. Katie wouldn't be an easy victim.

As she drew closer she realized the man standing next to her car was no stranger.

It was James.

Dumbstruck, Katie froze and straightened. No more than a few feet separated them as she waited. For a long time all they did was stare at each other.

“You're working late,” he said, breaking the silence.

“I often do.”

He stood with his hands buried deep in his coat and wore a watchman's cap. He didn't look overly pleased to see her. “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

“Sure.”

They decided on a place to meet, a diner about a mile away, but when they got there it was crowded with the dinner rush, and the wait would be as long as forty minutes.

“It's the time of year,” Katie said.

James looked across the street to a bowling alley. “Want to try there?” he asked.

“Might as well,” she said, laughing.
A bowling alley?

They raced across the street with the light. James's hand cupped her elbow in case she lost her footing. He'd always been a gentleman, polite and considerate. It was one of the many reasons she'd fallen in love with him.

The restaurant in the bowling alley was busy, but they were able to get a seat right away. They left their coats and hats on the rack by the front door. Katie rubbed the cold from her hands as they found an open booth.

As she slid inside, Katie noticed the café charged a minimum for anyone sitting in a booth. James seemed to notice the sign the same time she did.

“Guess we'll need to order more than coffee,” she mentioned, as she reached for the plastic-coated menu.

“We can leave if you'd rather.”

“It's fine.”

He, too, reached for the menu.

“I don't mind paying for my own meal,” she told him.

The look James shot her cut straight through her.

“It was just a suggestion.” Katie read over the specials of the day and discovered, for a bowling alley, the menu was impressive. Although she had to wonder how good the cordon bleu would be.

The harried waitress came for their order, set aside the coffeepot, and then grabbed the pencil tucked behind her ear and the pad from her apron pocket.

“I'll have the black bean soup,” Katie said, although she wondered if she'd be able to swallow a single spoonful.

“Make that two,” James said, and tucked the menu back behind the napkin dispenser.

Once the waitress left, silence lay between Katie and James. She waited, looking down at her hands. She took a sip from her water.

James spoke first. “Emily broke off the engagement.”

“I know. She told me.”

He frowned. “I suppose she insisted that I was in love with you and if we got married that she would be my second-best.”

Katie shrugged. “Something like that.”

“It's not true, you know.”

She didn't agree or disagree. “You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yes.”

If that was the case, he seemed to struggle with what he intended to say. After several awkward moments, she gestured to him. “Well?”

“I don't love you,” he said once more, and it seemed he needed to convince himself more than her.

“Any longer,” she added.

His frown darkened as if he didn't understand.

Katie clarified it for him. “At one time you did love me, James; you can't deny that any more than I can deny loving you,” she explained.

“Okay, you're right.” His jaw clenched. “I did care about you at one time, but not anymore, and the sooner you understand that, the better.”

“It sounds like you're looking to convince yourself more than me, James.” If what he said was true then it didn't make sense he would seek her out, ask her to coffee to reiterate a fact he'd already made crystal clear on more than one occasion.

Their soup arrived and Katie reached for her spoon, holding on to it in a tight grip. If he hadn't come to clear the air between them then there had to be another explanation. “Do you blame me for the broken engagement?”

He glared across the table at her. “I blame you for everything.”

Katie probably shouldn't have smiled, but she couldn't help herself.

“Do you find that funny?” he demanded, glaring at her all the more intently.

“No. The truth is, it's rather sad.” She meant it, even though she could see how upset it made him.

James leaned against the edge of the table, clenching hold of his own spoon, which was pointed toward the ceiling. “I loved you, heart and soul. I would have died for you.”

“I know, and I loved you that way, too.”

“But it's over,” he insisted.

“So you keep telling me.” Katie forced herself to take a bite of the soup. Under ordinary circumstances she would have enjoyed it, but these were far from ordinary circumstances.

James watched her and then followed suit. He kept his gaze lowered. “Emily said you're dating someone.”

“His name is Christian.” So James had already known that Emily had talked to her. Christian and she hadn't gone out much lately. It must have been a couple weeks since she'd seen him or talked to him.

“Do you love him, too?” His question was gruff.

“No. The one I love is you.”

“Sure you do.” Then, to her surprise, he slid out of the booth, slapped a twenty-dollar bill on the table, and walked out of the bowling alley.

Katie watched him go, defeat weighing down her heart. She wasn't sure why James had sought her out or what he'd expected would happen. He'd been angry and he blamed her, as he said, “for everything.” It was a sad commentary on his life, and heartbreaking for her as well. Perhaps all he'd wanted was to prove to himself that he no longer loved her.

The waitress stopped by the table. “Everything all right with the soup?” she asked.

“It's fine. I don't think either one of us was hungry.”

“I'll get you the bill.”

“Here.” Katie retrieved the twenty and handed her that. “Keep the change.”

“But the tab comes to less than twelve bucks.”

“Merry Christmas,” Katie said, as she scooted out of the booth.

She collected her coat at the front door and stepped outside to find snow flurries raining down from the night sky.

Her car was parked on the other side of the street and she waited to cross at the light. As she approached her vehicle she saw that James's car, which had been parked next to hers, was still there. When she approached, he opened the door and climbed out, closing it behind him.

They stared at each other and once more Katie waited for him to take the lead. When she couldn't stand the silence any longer, she said, “I would have thought you'd be gone by now.”

“I should be,” he muttered.

“I'm not stopping you.”

“You are.”

Traffic sped past and someone in the distance leaned on a horn. The loud, discordant sound cut through the night.

“How am I stopping you?” she asked, and realized he wasn't talking about tonight.

James walked back and forth, creating a path in the fresh coating of snow. “I thought if I saw you…if we talked, I'd be able to purge you from my mind.” He slammed his fist against his chest. “And my heart.”

“Did it work?”

“No,” he said, and closed his eyes as though fighting himself. He tilted his head back and stared up at the sky.

“James,” she whispered, unsure what was happening.

“No one has hurt me more than you…I should hate you, but God help me, I can't…I can't make myself do it.”

“I know. I'm so sorry,” she said. Deep down, Katie knew he could never really hate her.

“I'm so in love with you I can't think anymore.” He shook his head. “I can't trust you.”

“You can trust me,” she assured him softly. “I may have made a mistake when we were eighteen, but I was doing the best I could, and everything I did, I did for love. I have never loved anyone else but you, James.”

Katie watched as the indecision played across his face. He wanted to believe her, wanted to give her his heart, but still he hesitated. For what seemed like an eternity, James stood frozen.

“You'll never understand what it was like for me to have you just break it off with me back then, without a single word of explanation. How could you have done that? I still don't understand why you didn't just come to me and tell me what was going on.”

“I don't know, James,” she said. “I thought I was doing a brave thing. A selfless thing.”

Staring into the falling snow, she said, “I was a kid, James. Trust me, to say I learned a lot from what happened would be the understatement of the year. I would never hide something from someone I loved again.”

“You made a decision that affected both of us,” James said.

“Yes. But I'm twenty-eight now, not eighteen. And people are capable of learning and growing.”

After several moments she felt a hand on her shoulder. Katie turned to find James, his face looked blurred through the tears that clouded her eyes.

“I can't do it,” he said, his voice raw. “I can't let you go.”

With that he hauled her into his embrace, half lifting her off the ground, hugging her until she feared he was about to steal the very breath from her lungs.

Katie looked down on him, her hands cupping his face. Tears streamed down her cheeks, before she slowly lowered her mouth to his. They kissed urgently as if to make up for the last ten years in a single exchange.

“I've always loved you,” she choked out.

James wouldn't let her talk. Instead he kissed her again and again, holding her against him and whirling around in the snow like they were kids on a playground. When he lifted his head, Katie threw hers back and gazed up at the sky, laughing and weeping both at the same time.