Shy Town Girls (9 page)

“
Well,” I said, “Barbara just got
finished telling me that love isn’t a situation. . .I don’t know,
it’s so hard to say it’s over. We’ve had a long and complicated
relationship, and we’re still working together. It’s been hard just
to end it with him cold turkey. I guess me moving in here was a way
to ease out of it.”

“
Ease out of it?” Ivy said, giving
me a skeptical glance.

“
I know. I guess that sounds
pathetic. . . it’s hard to explain.” I wanted to end this
conversation. I felt offended and hurt that they didn’t seem to get
how hard this was for me. Of course they didn’t care about me and
my wretched relationship. “Let’s talk about something
else.”

“
No, no,” Ivy said. “We’re
interested in you. You’re holding back on us.”

“
I don’t want to be,” I
said.

“
Explain then,” Ella
insisted.

“
Yeah. Tell us what’s going
on.”

They were pushy tonight. I wrapped the plush blanket
more snugly around my shoulders and examined my toes through my
socks.

“
Do you mind?” Ivy asked. She took a
box of cigarettes out of her purse and lit one up.

“
Ivy! No smoking on the roof!” Ella
said sternly. “And what the hell are you doing? You don’t
smoke!”

“
A cigarette once in a while isn’t
the end of the world,” Ivy smiled devilishly. She offered me one
and I shook my head. “Okay,” she said. “So what’s the
story?”

“
Well, I started dating Charlie when
I got the job at Fordham Agency.”

“
Right. So it’s totally a work
thing, huh?”

“
Yes. Most definitely. So, we had
been dating for awhile, not really exclusively, but he wanted to
take the next step. His lease was ending, and he wanted to move in
with me. I was thrilled, but sort of shocked that he wanted to take
that step, because he wasn’t even introducing me as his girlfriend
yet. But of course I said okay. Then about a week before he was
supposed to move in, when I checked his text messages, I found out
he was cheating on me. Long story short, I let him move in, and one
year later, here I am.”

“
Wow,” Ivy blurted. “He cheated on
you? Just goes to show, some guys won’t be satisfied with
anything.”

I hated telling them about this; in fact, I hated
telling anyone about it. I was embarrassed about him and about our
entire relationship. I liked my business staying mine and I was not
ready for the opinions and judgments that came along with sharing
my relationship drama.

“
Shit happens,” Ella
said.

Ivy stubbed out her cigarette. “Is there anymore wine
in that bottle?” she asked.

That was it?

“
So, do you think I was stupid for
not dumping him right then and there?” I asked. “When I found the
texts?”

Ivy shrugged a shoulder. “You said you two weren’t
really exclusive at the time. I mean, I used to cheat on my
boyfriends all the time,” she said. “Less complicated that
way.”

“
You’re crazy,” said Ella. “How is
that less complicated?”

“
I know it wasn’t right. But I think
it was a way for me to end things when I wanted to be
free.”

What? I couldn’t believe Ivy’s detached attitude. I
had never cheated. I didn’t think it was possible for me to cheat.
My conscience would always get the best of me.

“
Bobbie, I think it’s selfless of
you to forgive him,” Ella said.

“
No one’s perfect. You gave him a
chance and now you can go on with no regrets, because you tried,”
Ivy said.

No judgment? Were they just being nice? I let go of
the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding in my lungs.
Relief.

“
Are you interested in anyone else
right now?” Ella asked.

Oliver’s face flashed through my mind, his crooked
grin and goofy laugh. “God, no,” I said. “I mean, maybe eventually,
but it’s just too soon, with Charlie and me in this state of limbo.
. .”

“
Limbo?” Ella frowned. “So, there’s
a chance you’ll get back together or— wait, are you still together?
I’m confused!”

I realized at that moment that I hadn’t felt the
complete permanence of my move into the house with Ella and Ivy. I
had told myself that I was never going to be with Charlie ever
again. It was the decision I had made. But I felt alone without
him. I was lonely. I wanted to be thrilled. I liked that he kept
coming after me, begging me to return to him. And when he did just
that, I found it hard not to contemplate giving in to him.

But I had to admit I was kidding myself when I
considered the possibility that anything would be different if I
did give in to him. If we were to start over again. . . nothing
would be different. He would still be the same Charlie, and I would
still be the same me. And I wanted so much to change!

“
There’s really no chance we’ll get
back together,” I responded, staring into the fire. “I just wish I
could rid myself of this fantasy that I have, that if we get back
together, I would suddenly have everything I want. I would suddenly
be happy again.”

“
Bobbie, you don’t need a guy to be
happy, you know,” Ella said.

“
I get that,” I said. And I did,
intellectually. But for me being happy included being a girlfriend
to a really great guy, a teammate.

Later in the night, after three glasses of Pinot
Noir, my head was buzzing, and I felt emotionally drained. I said
goodnight to the girls, who weren’t ready to call it a night, and
made my way carefully down the stairs, and swan-dived onto my
bed.

Charlie’s face kept floating through my mind. I
reminded myself of all the reasons I’d left him: the way he made me
feel self-conscious about everything I believed in; the constant
need to maintain perfection; the fact that I felt most alone when I
was with him. Why couldn’t I let go? What he thought about me, or
anything else, really, was irrelevant. Was I blaming him for my
unhappiness? Maybe my insecurities really had nothing to do with
him at all. I shouldn’t blame him. He’s innocent. No, was not
innocent. He cheated on me. You don’t hurt the people you love.
Wait, I forgave him and I should stick to that, based on principle.
I needed a vacation! No, I would still have to come back to this. I
needed a change. I should quit my job and move across the country!
No, I loved Chicago, and I would miss my friends and family too
much. I needed therapy! But that’s a sign of weakness. No, it’s
not, it’s a sign of self-care. I needed to do something to take
control of my life, or maybe I just needed to do less...Yeah...less
is more.

My eyes grew heavy. I finally fell into a deep sleep
and dreamed of Oliver. He was throwing pebbles into the lily pond
at the zoo, the pond where we used to hang out together all the
time. In my dream I was laughing with each throw he made as ripples
upon ripples appeared as a result of each pebble tossed. I just
kept laughing and thinking I had never seen anyone who was able to
create so many ripples from a single throw.

Chapter 10

“
GOOD MORNING CHICAGOANS! What a
great start to this beautiful fall day with ‘Little Lion Man’ by
Mumford and Sons. Today’s high will be 64 degrees and sunny, and
tonight we’ll have lows of 35. . .”

The morning radio woke me to a pounding headache. I
rubbed my temples and realized I was still lying on top of my
comforter. I slapped the radio, causing it to fall off my
nightstand onto the floor. I left it. Lethargically walking to the
bathroom, I heard Ella and Ivy awake already, primping in the
bathroom together.

“
She’s a lightweight, that’s for
sure,” I heard Ivy’s voice. Were they talking about me? I stepped
behind my door, trying to listen in.

“
I think she’s just a little
insecure,” Ella said. I couldn’t believe they were talking about
me. Were they talking about me?

“
But I mean, who wouldn’t be?” Ella
continued, “working in a modeling agency with all that competition,
I don’t know how she does it. On top of dating model
boy!”

Yep. They were talking about me.

“
I heard models are really bad in
bed,” Ivy said.

In my experience? True. I smiled sadly.

“
Well, give her a chance. It’s
obvious she hasn’t been single in a while and she’s definitely a
guy’s girl. Try to be nice, would you?”

I felt sort of touched, that Ella would defend
me.

“
I’m nice, super nice, look at this
face, nice written all over it,” Ivy laughed. “I actually like her
a lot.”

I quietly shut my door, and then reopened loudly.
“Good morning,” I called.

“
Morning!” they both shouted in
unison. As I walked by on my way to the kitchen, I saw them
shooting each other looks, like some kind of private signal. I
think they knew I’d been listening. Great, I was back in high
school. I poured a cup of coffee. Suddenly, feeling suffocated in
the apartment, I decided to go up to the roof to see what it looked
like by early morning light.

The rush of cool air as I opened the door was
refreshing. I breathed deep, walking over to the railing to look
out over the city. There was nothing better than autumn in Chicago.
Even this early in the morning, the city was alive. There were
always traffic sounds in the background, and Lake Michigan was just
starting to glow with the first rays of the sun. The garden was
just preparing to go to sleep for the winter. The flowers were done
blooming, and hibernation was setting in there.

The hot cup of vanilla roasted coffee felt comforting
in contrast with the cool brisk air. I looked at the fire pit and
the chairs, recalling events from the night before, when I sat and
talked with Ivy and Ella. On the ground were two empty bottles of
wine and a pack of cigarettes. I smiled, picturing Ivy puffing
away. They may not know the real me yet, I thought, but that wasn’t
their fault. Ella was right. I had some insecurities to deal
with.

I tossed the wine bottles in the trash and noticed
that tucked inside the pack of cigarettes was a lighter. Oh, what
the hell, I thought. I hadn’t smoked a cigarette since I was last
in Italy. I lit one up and sucked the smoke deep into my lungs. On
exhaling I coughed so hard I thought I was going to pop a vessel.
The idea of cigarettes was always more appealing than the reality.
I crushed the cigarette out in the fire pit.

I heard the rusty door behind me slam. Startled, I
turned back, grabbing the railing behind me.

“
Meryl,” I sighed.

“
Jeez, someone’s jumpy. Too much
caffeine already?”

I grinned nervously. “Something like that.”

“
So, you like our little piece of
heaven?”

I nodded. “Or ‘cup of vino,’ as Ivy calls it.”

“
I had the fire pit installed last
year because Barbara was complaining about how chilly it was with
the wind blowing, even in the summertime. But she rarely comes up
here. I wish she would though.” She smiled and rolling her eyes,
added, “I just create the attractions. I can’t make the audience
come to the see the show!”

“
Well, Ivy and Ella enjoy it,” I
said. “We got some use out of that fire pit last night.”

Meryl saw the cigarette on the ground and looked at
me, raising an eyebrow. “Seriously, are you okay? You seem. . .”
She was trying to find the word, tip-toeing around my delicate
feelings as usual. “nervous,” she finished.

“
No, really, I’m good. The girls and
I had a great time up here last night. I drank too much and passed
out on top of my comforter.” I laughed at my pathetic inability to
hold my liquor.

“
Well, look at you...” Meryl
smirked.

I shook my head.

“
I’m proud of you, Bobbie. You’re
going to be just fine,” she said and squeezed my arm. “I’m off to
work. We’re getting ready for the Chicago Arts and Artists
Convention.”

“
Oh, I think Ivy was saying
something about that last night. Her company is putting on the
event, right?”

“
Right. And I’ll be there,
supporting my writers. I was thinking of asking this guy Ryan
Johnson as my date. I hate to go alone you know. What do you
think?”

“
Ryan? Ryan?”

“
He’s my assistant’s brother. He’s a
tech entrepreneur, but he also is thinking about writing a
book.”

“
Of course he is! Just like anyone
who gets connected to you!” I laughed. “You should absolutely ask
him.”

“
Okay, but if he turns me down, I’m
going to ask you instead. You don’t mind being second choice, do
you?”

“
Not in this case,” I
smiled.

“
Oh, Barbara wanted me to tell you
to stop by her place this morning before work.”

“
Okay,” I agreed, wondering what
Barbara had up her sleeve today.

On my way down, I knocked on Barbara’s door. I heard
barking, yelping, and Due’s nails clattering towards the door.
“Come in!” Barbara called. “Is that you, Bobbie?”

“
Good morning, Barbara,” I said.
“Mmm. Smells good in here.” The mingling smells of fresh baked
bread and spices were tantalizing.

“
Sit, sit. Mangia, mangia. I just
made croissants!” She put two down in front of me, with a little
dish of pumpkin butter.