Authors: Kassy Tayler
These thoughts go through my mind as I try to calm myself. I cannot see anything beyond
a searing white light and I’m holding a crying child. Meanwhile my skin feels as if
it is on fire.
“Get out of the sun!” I hear Pace yell behind me. “It’s what’s burning you.”
I hear everyone moving around me. Some of the children are crying. I keep my hand
on Stella’s head to keep her face buried in my neck to protect her as much as I can.
“Don’t look at it!” Pace yells again, too late for me but hopefully the others will
be safe. I feel tears streaming down my face and my eyes burn as if they are in the
flames. Alex’s eyes were red; the whites of them burned just like his skin. Is that
what I look like now? I blink against the tears and I cannot tell if my eyes are open
or closed.
“Alcide,” I call out because I remember he was the closest to me. “I need help.”
“Wren?” he replies. I can tell he’s close and I reach out my hand. I feel it flailing
in the wind as if it is no longer connected to my arm. My entire body feels disconnected
from this world that I can no longer see, as if I’m locked in a box and beating on
the sides to be let out. If I cannot see them, can they see me?
“I can’t see,” I whisper because I don’t want to frighten Stella any more than she
already is.
“Wren?” Alcide whispers back.
“Take her,” I say. I feel his touch as he takes Stella from me. She cries louder and
clings to me, pulling my hair, which is caught up in her hand as Alcide takes her
away.
“Pace!” Alcide yells and the loudness of its startles me because he is so unexpectedly
close to my side. “Wren can’t see!”
I am suddenly alone as Alcide steps away with Stella. This is how it is for the ponies.
Forever blind and just waiting for someone to guide them. I don’t want to be a burden
to anyone. I stand in place, unsure of where to go or what to do. The fire is burning
somewhere close by and the water is beyond it. I could easily be lost in just a few
uncertain steps.
Panic builds up inside me. What if no one helps me? What if they just leave me here
to die because I am no longer of any use? I take a deep breath and another and another
while I begin to shake uncontrollably.
“Wren!” It is Pace. He grabs my arms and throws something over my head. His jacket?
“I looked at it,” I say. “I looked at the sun.”
“Oh God,” he whispers like a prayer. I feel my body move as Pace picks me up and runs
with me in his arms through the water. Suddenly I feel the cool shade and smell the
familiar dampness of the earth. Pace carries me back into the cave and sets me down
on a rock. My ears are filled with the sound of the falls, and in the distance I hear
the cries of the children. He pulls his jacket away, and I turn my head in different
directions, trying to make sense of where he is.
“My eyes,” I have to ask. “What do they look like?” I imagine them gone. I can still
feel the tears on my cheeks, and I wonder if it’s not tears but my eyes that have
melted in their sockets.
I feel Pace’s hand on my face. My skin stings, especially when he touches it. He pulls
my kerchief from my hair. “Don’t move,” he says. How could I? I’m terrified and suddenly
I realize this is what it was like for Pace, when I first brought him below. He was
as blind as I am now, totally lost in the darkness and dependent upon me, as I am
now dependent upon him.
There is no luxury of a lamp for me. Pace did not answer my question about my eyes
and desperation fills me. I need to know, but I am so very afraid, more so than I’ve
ever been, even with everything that’s happened. I raise my hands to touch them but
Pace stops me before I can. He puts the bandana over my eyes and the cold water instantly
cools them.
“My eyes,” I say again in a shaky voice.
“They are still there,” he assures me. “They look the same.”
“What happened?”
“The sun is so bright, especially to your shiner eyes.” He dribbles some water on
the back of my hands. “It’s like getting too close to a fire. It burns your skin because
we’re not used to it.”
“The others?”
“You’re the only one who looked up, Wren,” Pace confesses. “All of us have red skin
right now, from the sun, but you’re the only one who…,” his voice trails off.
I am so frightened now I am shaking. I reach out into the darkness and grab onto Pace’s
forearms. “Is it forever? Will I be blind for the rest of my life?”
“I don’t know,” he admits, and his voice sounds just as shaky as mine.
“What am I going to do?” I ask as the fear burns its way into my bones.
“We’ll figure it out Wren,” Pace says. He touches the side of my face and smoothes
my hair back. I lean into his touch as if it will save my life. “But for now, you’re
just going to have to be patient.” My words to him are coming back to haunt me now.
He takes my bandana from my face and moves away. Once more I feel so very alone. “Here,
keep this over your eyes.” He hands my kerchief back, once more dripping with water.
“Maybe it will help.” He puts his hands on my shoulders. “I’m going to check on the
others. Don’t move. You should be safe as long as you stay still.” And then he is
gone.
I am too frightened to move; still I manage to make my body smaller by pulling my
legs up and wrapping my arms around them. I put the wet bandana against my eyes. The
coolness does help, but my fear will not let me take any comfort from it.
I can’t stop shaking. I have no concept of where I am. We ran through the cave so
fast when we realized that it led to outside that I didn’t pay attention to it beyond
recognizing the opening and the light beyond it. The roar of the falls fills my ears.
It makes me feel even more isolated, if that is possible. I turn my head back and
forth, trying to make sense of the noises that surround me. I have no idea how far
from the entrance I am, or how close to the river, although I imagine it is very close.
I drop my head to my knees in an effort to calm myself. Something brushes against
my side and I jump, panicked. I brace myself against the rock because I’m afraid I’ll
fall off and then be totally lost. I hear a meow and realize it’s Cat who is beside
me. He bumps his head against my arm and I manage to find him and pull him into my
lap. His rumbly purr is a reassuring sound in my darkness.
I have no way of knowing how much time has passed. I feel as if I am totally cut off
from the world. Was this what it was like for Pace when I left him to fend for himself
in the tunnel the first day? He was in total darkness, with nothing to let him know
he was alive except for Pip in his cage. He was alone for hours. For me it has been
only minutes and I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
I don’t want to be underground again. Just the thought of going back into the earth,
especially since I fought so hard to leave it, makes me feel even more desperate.
I am afraid that once I am back beneath the earth, I will never be free of it, that
I will be stuck within forever with the bodies from the days before the dome when
they buried their people in the ground. Even with my blindness I can see the bony
limbs reaching for me. It is a sight that closing my eyes will not make go away, just
like Alex when he was burned.
I cannot share this fear with Pace. My blindness is an encumbrance that I would not
wish on anyone. How can I ask him to make sure I’m not left in a place that will frighten
me when all he is doing is taking care of me the best he can?
What will we do now? Have we traded one type of prison for another one? Did we leave
the dome, only to be trapped forever on this beach without food or shelter? To become
cooked during the day by the sun? Perhaps my father was right after all. He warned
me about the world out here. Even though there are no flames, there is still fire.
The irony of my situation is not lost on me, and I am certain my father would enjoy
it. Thoughts of my father lead me to think about how the people of the dome survived
the cataclysm. We saw a part of it caved in from the explosion during our escape.
How many from above died in the explosion that destroyed our world? What of Pace’s
mother, whom my father was holding as a hostage against us? What of the other seekers
like us who lived above? Lucy, David, Jilly, and Harry. What of the royals and the
scarabs and all those in between who worked in service to the dome? I can’t help but
think of Max, the dome-washer, whom I saw every morning when I went up to watch the
light come to the dome. What has become of him? What will become of all of us?
Mostly I am afraid of what will now become of me. I will be nothing but a burden to
everyone. It is nothing more than what I deserve. I deserved to be punished. I should
be dead instead of Peggy, instead of all of those whose bodies lay smoldering on the
beach.
I hear a splash that has nothing to do with the falls. I have no idea where I am in
the cave, and I have no way of knowing if I am turning my head in the right direction
or not.
“It’s me Wren,” Pace says, and I sigh in relief. I am so lucky that he cares about
me. Where would I be without him?
“How is everyone?” I ask. My voice is still shaky and I hate that I sound weak.
“Everyone is fine,” Pace says. He sits down next to me on the rock. I can feel him
by my side but I keep my hands on Cat.
A long moment passes, during which I feel terribly self-conscious. Is Pace looking
at me? Is he trying to decide what to do with me? Is he about to tell me that the
group has decided to abandon me because I am now a burden to them all? “You should
think of a name for him,” Pace says when he finally speaks. “There’s so many of them
around now that you can’t just call him Cat anymore.”
“I’ll think on it,” I say, and I’m relieved that my voice almost sounds normal. It
should be easy for me to come up with a name for Cat. I don’t have anything else to
occupy my time at the moment.
“I think as long as we stay in the shade, everyone should be fine,” Pace says. “We
managed to cook some mussels,” he adds. “The children are eating.”
“Was there not enough for everyone?” I ask.
“It’s hard work,” Pace confesses. “Especially when you don’t really know what you’re
doing.”
“At least you knew what do to,” I say. “And how to protect us.”
“I should have thought of it sooner,” he says. “If I had…”
“It’s not your fault Pace,” I say, repeating back the words he said to me earlier.
“I guess my father was right. There really is fire out here.”
“There’s so much more than just fire,” Pace says. “There’s an entire world out there
for us to see…”
I sob. I can’t help myself. I feel Pace move away, and I put my hand over my mouth
to keep in the rest that threatens to follow.
“I’m so sorry Wren,” Pace says. “I wasn’t thinking.”
I shake my head. I’m afraid to speak, afraid that the tide of tears will drown me
if I let them loose. I really need to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I cannot
help it. I was all ready to fight because I really didn’t think I’d get hurt. Now
that I am, all I can think about is giving up. But I can’t give up. I think about
Ghost and the other ponies, about how they don’t even know what they are missing because
they’ve never known what it is to see. About how they depend on me.
“The ponies need food. And water,” I finally say.
“I know,” Pace replies. “We’ve talked about it. We’re going to go up the trail as
soon as the sun goes down. There has to be grass up there, and trees, and hopefully
more survivors and shelter.”
I nod and wonder if they will take me with them or just leave me here to sit for hours
on end.
Stop it … Stop being so morbid.
“You have to watch out for the ones who live outside,” I say. “They have weapons,
like the one used on David. My father told me about them.”
“We know,” Pace says. “We’ve talked about that also.”
We know …
Suddenly it is “we,” when before it was Pace against James, with me trying to maintain
peace. Now they are making plans together and I’m the one left out.
“I want to go back outside,” I say. “I don’t want to be in here alone.”
“I think you should stay in here. You don’t want to risk any more damage to your eyes.”
My hand goes to my neck where my goggles still hang, so much a part of me and the
life left behind. “I can wear these,” I say. “And cover my eyes with my bandana.”
“I still think you should wait.” Pace says. “At least until the sun isn’t so bright
in the sky.”
I have no choice but to comply. If he doesn’t want to take me out, I’ll never find
my way on my own, and while I would have no problem asking Alcide for help, I don’t
want James to see me this weak. Still the prospect of the long lonely hours ahead
isn’t helping. I lower my head to Cat, and the smell of the sea and sand wafts up
to my nose from his fur.
“I’ve thought of a name for him,” I say.
Cat meows as Pace scratches under his chin. “What is it?”
“Have you ever heard the story of Jonah? From the Bible?” Pace continues scratching
Cat’s chin and as his rumbly purr is all I hear, I go on. “Jonah tried to run away
from God’s commands, so God sent a whale to swallow him. My grandfather showed me
a painting of a whale in the library, because we had just read the story. I did not
believe it possible until I saw the painting.”
“I know the painting,” Pace says. “I’ve seen it.”
I try to remember the story as best as I can. I was so small when Grandfather read
it to me from his well-worn Bible, now lost in the flood. I couldn’t imagine a fish
large enough to swallow a man whole until I saw the painting and when I did, just
a few weeks after we read it, it came back to me again. How could a man survive in
the belly of a whale? Only through God’s intervention, because he had plans for Jonah.
I continue with the story. “Jonah realizes that he is trapped and without God he will
be held forever in the whale’s belly. So he agrees to do as God tells him and the
whale spits him out on a beach.”