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I thought for a minute and shrugged.

“She'll either figure things out on her own or something will slip out. It's inevitable.”

“So you're saying I should tell her?”

Dad shrugged. “When you're ready, yes. The longer you hide it from her, the bigger it'll get. And if she's as special as you seem to think, she won't go running for the hills.”

“Sunset.”

“Whatever.” He put the first-aid kit away. “I'll finish cleaning this up. Go get your homework done or something.”

Thank God. I was talked out for the day. I didn't mention that I had no homework. I wanted nothing more but the privacy of my room, but Kenny had another idea.

You
need
to
apologize
to
Mom.

I blew out a loud sigh and turned back. “Dad, you seen Mom?”

“Check upstairs in our room,” he said. “Oh, take this.” He fished in the pocket of the jacket still lying on the table, tossed me a box.

“Chocolate?”

Dad winked. “Greases the wheels, buddy. Trust me.”

I rolled my eyes and headed upstairs to my parents' bedroom. I found my mother curled in the comfy chair we used to share when she read me bedtime stories, staring into a cup of coffee. I swallowed and squatted down beside her, but she continued staring into the cup. Her hair was tied up in a messy ponytail, and her eyes were dull.

I did that.

Man, stop the pity party and take care of business.

“Mom, I'm sorry,” I whispered and held out the box of chocolate.

She looked up and smiled, and I was forgiven. Just like that.

“Thank you, honey.” She took the box. “Oh. Godiva. You've been talking to your dad, I see.”

My face heated.

“And now you should tell me why you weren't in school today.”

My eyes popped. “Um—”

“Let me guess. Julie?”

I nearly convulsed.

“Relax,” she laughed. “I'm not giving you ‘the talk.'”

God, take me now. Please.

“Okay. Changing the subject. From the noise downstairs, I'm guessing you and Pop finally talked.”

I was still dumbstruck, so I merely nodded.

“And that it didn't go so well.”

Another nod.

“Okay. Here's my take—and this is just an opinion. I don't know if it's fact.” Mom slipped the ribbon off the box of chocolate. “I think Pop knows he lost Nan because of his own thick skull. He's trying to make sure you don't follow in his footsteps.”

I blinked. “Mom, Julie and I aren't together like that.”

“Why not? I thought you really liked her?”

I winced. “I do. It's not that simple. She has…problems of her own. Her brother killed himself, and it destroyed her dad's family. She lives with her mom.”

“Suicide? Oh God. You said her name was Murphy. Do you think it's the same Murphy?” The coffee cup rattled on the saucer.

Been
there. Done that.

“Mom! Calm down. It's not me. She said it happened in Maryland.”

My mother's eyes slipped close for a second. “Thank God.” She sipped from her cup again and smiled. “Sorry. Panicked. So, are you thinking of telling her the truth?”

I stared at my feet. “I…God, I hate all the lying, but I'm afraid.”

Mom patted my hand. “Okay. Some advice? Give it some more time. See how things go. Teenage girls, well, we're an erratic bunch.”

I laughed.

“What?” she said. “My teens weren't that long ago, you know.”

I laughed harder, and she pretended to swat me.

“Come on. Let's get dinner.”

She stood up, and instead of walking to the door, she grabbed me in a frighteningly strong hug. I hugged back and heard her sniff.

“I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. We raised you right. I know we did. This never should have happened to you, and I'm sorry I let it—”

Dread swelled. “No, Mom!”

She pulled away, rolled her damp eyes. “Okay, okay. No more tears. I just can't believe how big you are now. I sent the county a little boy, and they gave me back a man.”

I didn't know what to say. “I'm sorry.”

“No more sorry either. Just be happy.” She rubbed my face, the same side she'd slapped. She popped another chocolate in her mouth, grabbed the box, and hurried downstairs with me on her heels, laughing.

We ate…together. Just pizza, nothing fancy. Pop didn't say much, but he stayed instead of eating in his room. I went to bed happy for the first time in a very long time.

————

Thanksgiving was a quiet event. Mom and I cooked the turkey. It had been a tradition since I was released from juvie. I liked cooking. Not just because I liked food. It took a lot of food to maintain my six-foot-three, 220-pound body. Cooking gave me back some control. We had fun. Mom did the turkey and stuffing. I was in charge of all the trim. It was just us for dinner—Mom, Dad, Pop, and me. We had no other family. When dinner was over, Mom curled up with a book while the football game was on. Pop was…civil, I guess. It was better than nothing. Even Kenny was uncharacteristically quiet.

It was about as perfect a day as I could hope for.

The next day, I called Brandon.

“Hey, man. Got plans?”

A long silence. “Um. Not really.”

“Wanna hang out?”

Another silence. “I guess.”

Oh, he's psyched.

“If you have something better to do—”

“No. No, it's fine. Come over whenever.”

“Okay. See you in like twenty minutes.”

————

Just after noon, I parked in front of Brandon's house. I got out of the car, and Hagrid barked out a hello from the house next door. Julie appeared in the window, stared at me for a second, and then disappeared.

Hagrid went quiet. I stood for a long moment, my hands clenched.

Don't just stand there. Knock on the door. Ask her what's wrong.

Isn't it obvious, Kenny? She's ashamed.

I shook my head and strode up Brandon's front walk.

“What's up?

I shrugged. “Got bored. Thought I'd let you try to beat me at
Call
of
Duty
.”

Brandon snorted and quoted Yoda. “‘There is no try.'”

I rolled my eyes. “Are we playin' or not?”

We wasted a few hours shooting at things and blowing things up.

“Jesus, man, you suck at this.”

Kenny laughed his butt off at that.

I sighed. “Sorry. My head's not in the game.”

Brandon ended the game. “Let me guess. Your head is next door. At Julie's.”

With a wince, I shrugged. “I don't know. Maybe. I can't figure her out.”

“Can't help you there,” he snorted. “I've lived next to her for years and never really talked to her until I met you.” The grin faded from Brandon's face. “You didn't come here to hang out, did you?”

My head snapped up. “Yeah, I did. Really, I did.”

“Bullshit, man. You're just using me.”

He's got a point.

My jaw dropped. “No! That's not true.”

Brandon grabbed the controller out of my hands. “Just…just get out of here, man.”

“Brandon, come on, man. I swear I came over because I thought we were friends.”

He laughed once. “You know, he said you'd say that.” He reached behind him and shifted the flat-panel display around so I could see it.

Brandon's favorite social network was open. I clenched my teeth as I read Jeff's latest post:

You're such a loser. You don't even notice Ellison is just using you to get into Julie Murphy's pants.

I
will
kill
him,
Kenny raged in my head.

Chill. Let me think. I sucked in a deep breath, tried to regain control over my temper. “Let me get this straight. This guy—he used to be your best friend—hasn't talked to you since his mother died, tries to beat you up every chance he gets, but posts one comment about the guy who not only tries to save your ass but actually likes hanging out with you, and you believe him…just like that?”

I stood, the fury making me shake, waited for Brandon to deny it.

He didn't.

This
is
when
I'm supposed to say ‘I hate to say I told you so,' right?

Shut up, Kenny! I pressed my hands to my temples.

“Sorry you feel that way,” I muttered.

Brandon said nothing. I turned, left his room.

Outside in the cold November air, I huddled into my hoodie, fished for my car keys. It was freakin' cold, but I needed a run.

Now.

I got behind the wheel, started my car. While it warmed up, I took one last glance to my right.

Brandon stood at his window, arms crossed, face stony. While I glared up at him, he uncrossed his arms and waved one hand with an exaggerated flourish toward Julie's house.

Julie also stood at her window, arms crossed, face stony.

I clenched my teeth.

Let's get out of here. Now.

I shifted into gear and drove to the beach, leaving them both with their faces pressed to the cold, cloudy glass.

Black Friday

I couldn't call Dr. Phillips—she was away for the holiday—so I ran on the cold sand until my lungs were ready to explode. I didn't have my iPod, but the whipping wind and crashing surf did much to drown out Kenny's ceaseless ranting. I came to a stop, chest heaving, choking on my own spit.

Alone again.

I turned and stared at the waves that pounded the shoreline for a long moment, erasing the footprints in the sand. There was a broken shell at my feet. I heaved it as far as I could, watched it splash down, and thought, This would be so easy.

So, so easy.

The waves could have me. Pound me. Erase me.

Guess
again, Einstein.

Kenny stood beside me, pointing down at the retreating surf.

There was the broken shell I'd just tossed into the ocean, coughed up like the brussels sprouts I could never make myself swallow.

You'd just get spit out. So come on, let's go home. You know it's Black Friday, right?

So what?

Good
sales. We need to get Julie a Christmas present.

My lips twitched.

I knew he wouldn't let me do it.

————

I headed back to my car, surprised to find another one parked next to it. I hadn't seen another soul since I got there.

I aimed the key fob at my car to unlock it. Stowed in the back of my car, I found a towel and a dry shirt. I quickly stripped off the hoodie and the sweat-soaked T-shirt underneath and while I was at it, ripped the bandage off my hand. I coughed and wished I'd brought some water bottles with me.

“Dan.”

I spun, instinctively coiling into a fighting stance and cursing Kenny for not giving me any warning.

He sat on the rear bumper pretending to be casual.
You
afraid
of
girls
now?

“Julie.” I stared at her, then Kenny, then her. Yeah, she was real. “What the hell—”

“Sorry. I didn't mean to…um…scare you.” Her eyes honed right to the scars on my chest, and I cringed, quickly shrugged into the new shirt, and covered it with the sweat-damp hoodie.

“Oh, Dan, I—”

“Don't.”

My single-word plea sounded like a harsh curse. Maybe it was. I didn't know.

I slammed the rear door down on top of my Kenny apparition and got into the driver's seat. Julie slid into the passenger seat. Unfortunately, Kenny was unharmed and now in my backseat. When he held up a middle finger, I turned to stare out the windshield and ignored them both.

We sat there for a long moment, me coughing and staring over the steering wheel, Julie rubbing her hands together and blowing on them. She wore a thick ski jacket, a hat, and gloves, but she was—

She's cold, dude.

I cursed and started the car, jacked up the heat, and went back to staring out the window.

“What do you want?” I demanded between coughs.

“To apologize.” She dove into the bag and pulled out a bottle of water, broke the seal, and handed it to me.

I guzzled half of it, wincing against the cold burn.

She still hadn't said anything.

“Thanks,” I muttered, tipping the water bottle at her.

She shrugged in response.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked when I couldn't stand the silence for another minute.

“I followed you.”

“Why?”

“To apologize.”

“Yeah, you said that already,” I prodded.

“Dan, could you, like, look at me? Please?”

I cursed again and turned my head.

“There are some things about me you don't know—”

I cut her off with a loud laugh. Her secrets couldn't possibly be worse than mine.

It's not a contest, dick.

I sneaked a glance at her face and sobered up quickly. “Sorry.”

“Remember when I told you about my brother and…and my dad?”

I went still when her hand rose to rub her cheek. But I didn't say anything.

“He's…well…he's a mess. That's why I don't see him.”

I turned to face her, swigged more water.

“He shows up sometimes. Without calling first. Then there's all this…this…tension and anxiety and crap. And you…I don't want—”

Feeling like a total jerk, I held up a hand. “Stop. It's okay. I get it.”

She whipped her eyes to mine. “You do?”

Jeez, she looks worried.

Kenny was right, so I backed off. “Julie, I didn't mean to make this harder for you. I just thought you and me—” My face burned, so I left the thought unsaid.

She smiled, and damn if that didn't wipe my mind. “You and me what?”

“I thought we were kinda more than friends, you know?” As the words left my mouth, it hit me like a kick to the head just how much I hoped they could be true.

Her smile widened only to suddenly dim. “We are, but—”

But? My temper spiked. “But what?” I demanded, out of patience.

“Dan, I—” Her face reddened. “Hell, I like you. A lot. I want us to be way more than friends, but we shouldn't be. We're seniors. We'll be going off to different schools, different careers. I mean, why start something we can't—” She trailed off with a loud sigh and pressed her head against the seat rest.

She's wrong, man. Tell her she's wrong. We won't forget her.

My mind was stuck on the
way
more
than
friends
part and that got my heart pounding at an erratic pace. I stared at her for a long moment.

“Julie, all that stuff? It's the future. It's like a year away. And your dad? That's the past. Can't change any of that, no matter how much we want to, and believe me—” I stopped myself, swallowing hard. “All we have is this.” I waved a hand between us. “Right now.”

She didn't look convinced, so I reached out and took her gloved hand. She let me hold it and then changed the subject. She rubbed her thumb over my knuckles. I tried not to combust.

“You and Brandon fight? You looked pretty upset when you left.”

With a frown, I shrugged. “I'm really not sure. We were playing video games. I was…well…I wasn't paying attention. He got mad. Said I was using him to get close to you.”

“Are you?”

I was about to retort when I saw the teasing glint in her eyes. “Julie, I don't know what's going on with him. I mean, the mood swings—I never know which way he's gonna go.” I blew out a loud breath.

“I warned you. He's got a lot of problems.”

“No, you said
Jeff
has problems.” I smiled and then shrugged. “Besides, I just…I thought I could help.”

She leaned over and kissed me, a soft, barely there touch to the corner of my mouth. “It's pretty great that you tried. I just would have minded my own business.”

Heh. She's smarter than you.

I mentally cursed Kenny and curled my arm around Julie, pulling her closer. “I think it's pretty great that you tried too. You know…lunch. And the haircut.”

“I…well, I don't want Brandon to do what my brother did. If I can help, I will.” Her shoulders lifted in a brief shrug and then she wrinkled her nose. “Um, Dan? No offense, but you're
gross
.” She puffed out her cheeks, pretending to hold her breath.

I pulled away with a groan while Kenny nearly wet himself laughing. “I just ran like three miles.”

“I know,” she said and held up both hands. “I'm just sayin'.”

“You wouldn't happen to have a stick of deodorant in there, would you?” I tugged at the bag. “Moist wipes?”

“No.” She frowned. “But that's a really good idea.” She took out a pad and pen and actually made a note.

Laughing, I opened her door. “It's cold, and like you said, I need a shower. I'll follow you home.”

She got out of the car, slung the bag over her shoulder, and headed back to her car. Just before she slid behind the wheel, she grinned at me. In that moment, something happened to me.

Admit
it, bro. We love her.

“Kenny.” I swallowed. “What the hell am I gonna do?”

————

The next few weeks passed in a blur. Lisa, Paul, Julie, and I spent all our afternoons practicing for the big speech at the end of the semester.

Which was Friday, just two days from now.

Julie and I had no more cold-shoulder moments, and even though I knew they'd had nothing to do with me, I hated that she didn't trust me enough to let me help.

And that was usually when Kenny would butt in with some snarky reminder that I still didn't trust her much either. I tried explaining the difference between
didn't
and
couldn't
, but Kenny was a stubborn ass. That was usually when the door to his room would slam deep inside my brain and the rap music would rattle my teeth.

Kenny and I kept fighting about telling Julie the truth—the whole story, my real name, and why I'd changed it. So, I had a long talk with my dad about it one night after dinner.

“Something on your mind, bud?” Dad took a brick of ice cream out of the freezer, grabbed a few bowls. “You're quieter than usual.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Let me guess. Julie.” He dug out a pair of spoons, nudged the drawer shut with a hip.

“Dad…I think…well.” I chickened out. “I like her. A lot.”

Come
on, dude. Just spill it,
Kenny groaned in my mind.

Dad filled a bowl, slid it over the kitchen counter to me, then hit the cupboards for toppings. “So…did you tell her…everything?”

I shrugged and poured some fudge topping over my bowl. “I want to, Dad. But I'm—”

“Still scared?” He added a spoonful of sprinkles to his dish and one to mine.

Disgusted. Ashamed. Embarrassed. But
scared
worked too. I blew out a frustrated breath. “Yeah.”

He carved out a spoonful of ice cream, stared at me over the top of it. “Well, it's not real if you're not a little bit scared.” He shoved the spoon in his mouth and groaned. “Cookie dough. Good stuff.”

Real. Oh, crap.

Kenny's gasp deep inside my brain halted the spoon halfway to my mouth. I let out a long, slow sigh. Real?

“Uh-oh. You look the way you did when you found out Pop was Santa Claus.”

“Dad.” I dropped the spoon in the bowl and waved my hand in the air, trying to find the right words. “I don't…I mean…how do I—”

Dad grinned around another spoonful of ice cream. “How do you know if it's real?”

I swallowed. Shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” He leaned over the counter. “You like her, right? Can you imagine living with her?”

My eyes popped. Me and Julie? Living together?

Whoa
, Kenny whispered.

I thought of the bag and her eyeglasses collection. I thought of reading Harry Potter books and walking Hagrid. I imagined us working together at side-by-side desks, the way we did on our speech project, except we were older and had real jobs. No, wait—we'd have
careers
. We'd discuss each other's days. I would help her when her dad upset her, and she'd trust me.

Fingers snapped under my nose, and I jerked.

“Okay then. The goofy grin on your face tells me you
can
imagine living with Julie very well.”

I nodded enthusiastically.

“Now imagine living without her.”

My goofy grin disappeared.

“When you're sure…when you feel it deep down in your gut…when you'd rather suffer in hell sitting through back-to-back chick flicks or enduring endless hours of shopping, holding her bags just so you wouldn't have to live a day without her, that's how you know it's real.”

I considered that for a minute. Could I live without her?

I
can't. Neither can you.

“Give it some more time before you decide to tell her. See if she feels the same way, you know?” Dad polished off another spoonful.

That was what Mom said. I bit back a smile.

“So, what's happening with your friend Brandon?”

I shoveled in more ice cream. “He's mad at me. Thinks I'm using him just to get to Julie.”

“Are you?”

“No!”

Bull.

I dropped my spoon. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“Okay, see this from his point of view. School started how many months ago, and you've never invited Brandon over here.”

I stared at the ice cream melting in my bowl and sighed. Crap.

“He lives next door to Julie, so—” Dad rolled his hands.

“Okay. I get it. I'll fix it.”

“Good man.” He clapped my back. “I'm going upstairs to bother your mom.” He headed for the door. “Oh, one more thing. If this thing with you and Julie
does
get…you know,
real
…you be safe, okay?”