Secret Worlds (217 page)

“You were happy, Amaia. Until you saw him in that tavern, you were happy. I didn’t realize that he would haunt you this way. It makes sense. We all think about our transformation kill. It holds a special place in all of our hearts. But I never imagined this would happen.”

“I always thought you didn’t mate because you didn’t want to, but that’s not true. You’ve never mated because you already have. With her.” Amaia kept her back to him.

“I’d hardly call it mating. She’s not here now. She’s long dead, and I didn’t follow her to the grave.”

Amaia spun around to face him. “No, but look at you, Lawrence. Look at this bitter man you’ve become. You want that for me?”

“Of course not, Amaia.” Lawrence stood and took a step toward her. Amaia backed away. “I want you to be happy and strong and powerful. You have it in you to be the greatest vampire in the history of our kind. I’ve always wanted you standing at the head of my great race with me. As a father and daughter, we could be strong together, neither one of us entangled with a mate, our loyalty absolute.”

Amaia shook her head, trying to dislodge the image of her life that he painted. “I don’t want that Lawrence. All I’ve ever wanted is Michael. I gave him up because of you. You convinced me that I couldn’t have loved him since I killed him.”

“He’s going to turn you away.” Lawrence grasped her shoulders, as if he could force her to believe his words.

“No, he won’t, Lawrence.”

“I’ve been there, Amaia. I know the way humans are. Their love is faithless. He will deny you when he knows the truth.”

There was only one way to prove she was right. “He already knows the truth. He knows what I am, that I killed him, and he still loves me.”

“What?” It was a whisper. Lawrence’s hands tightened on her shoulders until she feared her bones might snap.

“Just because it didn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it can’t work for me.”

“What do you mean he knows, Amaia?” His voice was thick with dangerous accusation.

“Exactly what I said.”

Lawrence threw her back as he released her. “It must end. You must kill him.”

“And what good would that do? He’ll just keep coming back like he always has.”

“I can’t believe you’ve done this, that you’ve betrayed me this way. Zenas will have you killed when he finds out.”

“There’s only one way he’d find out.”

“I can’t keep something like this from him, Amaia. He’ll know.”

“Am I really nothing to you? My love and loyalty mean nothing?”

“You know that’s not true.”

“You had me believe I was a monster. You stripped me of all my choices. You kept me from happiness. I was naïve and stupid and let you talk me into this life when, all along, you knew you were going to take him from me. You told me if he loved me, he would join me in eternal life, but you never intended to give him the choice.”

“No. I won’t apologize for it, Amaia. It was for your own good. Parents often have to do things that may seem cruel for the benefit of their children.”

“This has nothing to do with my wellbeing, Lawrence. Don’t pretend it does. I was just another cog in your plan.”

“If it’s any consolation, my plan failed. I had hoped to control you through your guilt, but you felt none.”

A cold chill grasped Amaia’s heart. Her mouth hung open, though it didn’t draw in air. He was right. Of course he was right. She had never given any weight to guilt.

“You know I’m right. How much could you have loved him, Amaia, if you killed him and didn’t even feel guilt over it? You took it in stride, as if killing was second nature to you. I suppose after the battle, it’s become apparent that it is. I had no idea of that when I changed you.”

“Stop, Lawrence. Just stop.” Amaia went for the door. She needed to get out.

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here. Don’t even try to stop me, or I swear I’ll kill you.” She didn’t wait to hear his reply or see what he would do. She was out the door and making her way through the Paris crowds with no thought of the future.

Paris, February 1799

Her feet kept moving, one foot in front of the other. She followed something, even though her mind couldn’t land on what it was. Something guided her. She would know when she arrived.

She couldn’t run. That was too freeing. She could only wander at a human pace. She was so lost in her own thinking that she almost, quite literally, ran into Meg.

“Amaia?” Meg’s voice pierced her thoughts. Amaia couldn’t even remember what she had been thinking about. “Amaia, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, Meg. You’re who I was looking for.” Amaia heard her voice betray her surprise.

“Amaia, you’re worrying me.” Meg cupped Amaia’s face in her hand, steadying her.

“Yes, I’m worrying myself.”

“Let’s go talk somewhere. Liam, why don’t you carry her?”

Amaia’s feet lifted off the ground. Liam carried her like a bride. Amaia had wanted to be a bride once. She hadn’t thought she ever would be, but then that nice man had proposed to her. Michael. Michael loved her. He wanted to marry her, to carry her like a bride.

Liam set her down on a sofa in a room that Meg and Liam must have rented at a hotel. “Didn’t expect you to be so close.”

“We’ve been staying near Lawrence in case you came back.”

“Hmm. That’s nice of you. You’ve always been good friends. Better than I deserve.”

Liam grunted, but Meg took Amaia’s hand in her own. “Nonsense. You know we’re always here for you. Now what’s going on?”

“I told him everything.”

“Who? Lawrence?”

“Yes, Lawrence. Then he told me a story, a very sad story. Would you like to hear it?”

“Sure.”

“See, Meg, that’s why you’re such a good friend. I don’t have to make sense around you.” Amaia proceeded to relate the story of Lawrence and Abigail.

“That old windbag was in love once?” The skepticism in Liam’s voice struck Amaia as funny, and she laughed.

“Yes, I know. I could hardly believe it myself. You should have seen him as he told me about it. It was real. I could see it in his eyes. His aura was all warm and soft. That is, until the part where she broke his heart and he had to kill her. That part was sad. His aura got all dark and nasty.”

Liam knelt down next to Amaia, squinting as he peered into her face. “Is she drunk or something?”

“No, vampires can’t get drunk, silly Liam. Stupid efficient bodies. Lawrence explained it to me once. I miss being able to get drunk. But we can kill. Why don’t you find us some nice big humans, Liam? Lots of blood?”

“No, I don’t think that’s very wise right now, Amaia.” Meg always looked out for her. Always a good friend. “You’ve got to snap out of this. If Lawrence tells Zenas, you’re not going to be able to stay here.”

“He’ll tell him. He doesn’t want me back. He can’t control me, so he has no use for me.”

“What are you going to do?” Meg spoke with urgent concern.

Amaia shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“What do you want?”

“What I want? I can’t have what I want, Meg. Life doesn’t work out for everyone. For every happy couple out there, there’s a poor, miserable wretch. Two actually.”

“You can’t believe that.”

“Let her.” Liam stood and crossed his arms over his chest. “If she wants to be miserable, that’s her choice.”

His tone irritated her. “You think I want this, Liam? You think I wanted any of this?”

“You must have. Your choices up until this point have led you here.”

“That’s not fair.” The words came out hollow, even to her own ears. Liam was right. Lawrence’s choices had stripped her of some of hers, but not all. “I want to be with Michael. I always have, from the very beginning. But how can I do that? If I go to him now, I put him in danger. I can’t do that to him. I won’t.”

“I find your lack of respect for the man you claim to love astounding.” Liam looked as calm and collected as always, but his words held a heat Amaia had never witnessed from him.

“Excuse me?” Amaia couldn’t hide the anger in her voice. How dare Liam question her relationship with Michael?

“Who are you to make this decision for him?” Liam’s domineering voice filled the room.

“Liam—”

“No, Meg. This is ridiculous. He’s a grown man. He can make his own decisions.”

Amaia’s anger imbued her words with a strength she didn’t feel. “And how do you propose that would work, Liam? Do you really think there is any way he can comprehend the threat to his life?”

“Then you protect him. If he’s your mate, then you protect him at all costs. You’re being childish if you think you’ll be able to stay away. No matter what you do, he’s a target. You can protect him, go to him, and make decisions together, or you can stay here and try to fight a battle with yourself that you know you’ll lose. And when you do lose it, you’ll take him down with you.”

Liam was right. If she were to run to Michael in a fit of passion, having lost her self-control, it would be disastrous. “I don’t want to see him hurt. If you were me and this was Meg we were talking about, can you honestly say that you wouldn’t stay away to keep her safe?”

“Yes, I can. I know myself well enough to know I would always stay near, which would endanger her more than going to her.”

Amaia could see herself doing just that. There was no way she would be able to keep her distance. In her efforts to keep Michael safe and watch over him, she would do as she had done during his first few lives. She would return to being the eyes watching in the shadows. Only, he would never let it rest at that. He would sense her and search for her. Now that he knew she existed and wasn’t a figment of his imagination, he would seek her out, endangering himself.

She needed to go to him.

“You’re right, Liam. I must at least talk to him. If he doesn’t want me, I can stay away for his protection, but there’s no way I can’t consult him. I’m afraid that means we’ll have to part ways. It endangers us all to stay together.” Amaia stood.

“But we can help you.” Meg’s eyes were earnest.

“No, it’s too dangerous.”

“It might be better for us to stick together, strength in numbers.”

Amaia didn’t want to leave Meg any more than Meg wanted to be left. There was no way around it. “I’ll have to try to keep myself hidden. If that fails, and Zenas is really as mad as I think he may be, then no number of vampires will be able to protect me. You’d only end up getting killed.”

“She’s right, Meg. We have to let her do this on her own.”

Meg whirled and beat her fists against Liam’s chest. “No, you’re only saying that because you’ve never liked her.”

“That’s not true, and you know it, Meg.” Amaia placed her hand on Meg’s back and draw her into a hug. “He only wants to protect you, the same as I do with Michael. I can’t risk you. You have to promise me you won’t try to follow. I can’t be worried about you, too. It will only break my concentration when I need to focus on keeping Michael safe. Do you understand?”

Meg nodded against Amaia’s shoulder.

“Promise?”

“I promise.” It came out weak, but Amaia knew Meg meant it. She never made a promise lightly.

Amaia pulled away. “When things settle down, I’ll figure out a way to contact you. Don’t come looking for me. I’ll find you when I can.”

“Keep yourself and that boy of yours safe. If you need us, you know we’ll be there.” Liam stepped forward and gave Amaia a perfunctory hug. It was the most affection he had ever shown her.

***

Amaia wasn’t foolish enough to go home. The only possession that meant anything to her rested on her finger. Besides, she had no home. She’d never really had one. It had been Lawrence who had made each stop along the years home. He was nothing to her now. An enemy. He always had been, only now he was exposed. She preferred it that way. Discovering her enemy had forced her to acknowledge her loyalties. The lesson proved painful, but she had to believe it would be worthwhile in the end.

When she entered the alley behind the hotel, the hair on her arms stood on end. Lawrence was nearby.

“You don’t think I know your friends are here?” Lawrence’s voice emerged from the shadows.

Amaia shivered. It had been the right choice to make them stay behind.

Lawrence took a step toward her. In less than a full second, Amaia had him pinned to the stone wall of the boardinghouse. Her triumph was short-lived when she realized he hadn’t put up a fight and still wasn’t.

“I could kill you.” The words came out low through her gritted teeth.

“Yes, you could, but you won’t.” Lawrence appeared unruffled. She sensed no fear in him.

“Don’t be so sure.”

“I am, my child. You’re mine. I know you better than you know yourself, better than your lover boy knows you. You may think he’s fine with the knowledge of what you are, but I assure you he’s not. Maybe he thinks you can be turned back into a mortal. Maybe he thinks he’s fine with it. But eventually, it will wear on him. He’ll realize that you are never going to change. You’re incapable of it. And when he realizes that, he will leave you without your sire, your clan, or your friends.”

Lawrence’s words touched her insecurities. He was right about one thing: he knew her better than anyone. She was his child, in both her mortal life and her immortal existence. She couldn’t sever that tie. She couldn’t end the man who had given her everything, even though he had simultaneously deprived her of her mate. In his twisted mind, he had only been saving her, and she couldn’t kill him for it. She couldn’t alter her worldview any more than she already had.

“Have you told him?” If Zenas knew, her time was measured.

“Yes, but he’ll take you back. You only need to let us kill Michael. You won’t even have to watch. Once he’s dead, you’ll need to humble yourself, pledge your allegiance to Zenas, and then everything will be right again.”

“You told him to gain leverage over me, in hopes that you could force me to stay.”

“Of course. What other reason would I have? I don’t want to see you dead. You’re too important to me.”

Amaia shook her head. “I’ll not betray Michael. I can’t let you or anyone else kill him.”

“I had thought there wasn’t any softness left in you. You realize if you leave, if you go to him, you will be hunted?” Lawrence’s self-control was almost strong enough to hide the worry in his eyes.