Secret Worlds (216 page)

The hunger began in her stomach. She found the sensation puzzling when it was really thirst. A vestige of her mortal life? She had never really thought about it before. The dull ache morphed into a sharp pain as the days wore on. Days filled with nothing but walking and empty thoughts. What was left for her? Would she simply follow the orders given to her, move about in the wind, swayed by each gust no matter the direction?

“Are you done yet?”
Lawrence’s voice didn’t surprise her. She had been expecting it.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you let me know?”

“I didn’t see the point.”
She didn’t see the point in anything anymore.

“How long ago did you finish?”

“A day, two, three—I hardly know.”

“Are you all right, Amaia?”
The concern in his voice was clear. She didn’t need it.

“Fine.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I don’t know.”

“Amaia, you’ve got to pull yourself together. Come home.”

“And where is home, Lawrence?”
She desperately wanted an answer.

“I’m at the Paris house.”

Ah, home to Notre Dame, her favorite residence. She must be pretty bad off if Lawrence was trying this hard to make her happy.
“I’m a ways away. It will take more than a day to get there.”

“Longer if you haven’t eaten. Feed, and then come home.”

“What for?”

“Because I told you to, my dear.”

It seemed as good a reason as any. Lawrence would know what to do. He always knew.

***

“What’s wrong, Amaia?” Lawrence stood behind Amaia where she sat perched in front of her bedroom window. As soon as she’d entered their home, he’d started with the questions.

“Nothing.” All she wanted was to stare at Notre Dame in peace. If she sat there long enough in her natural state, would her body harden like one of the gargoyles she knew so well? The cathedral stood like a shadow of its former self, looking much the way Amaia felt. The revolutionaries had desecrated it, beheading statues and transforming the beautiful work of art into little more than a warehouse. Stupid humans, destroying one of the few things their species had to be proud of. At least they had spared the rose.

“Don’t tell me that, child. I know you better than you think. Something disturbs you. I might be able to help.”

“You can’t help, Lawrence.” She wanted to tell him her secret. Perhaps it was time. He had always loved her, cared for her. She was so tired of being alone in the world.

“You won’t know that unless you tell me. It’s him, isn’t it? What is it? Has he been born again?”

Amaia had indeed forgotten that Lawrence knew her better than anyone. Of course he would have been able to see her struggle. She simply nodded.

“What’s the problem? Do you want to go to him?” Lawrence was so sympathetic. His blue eyes peered at her with all the affection she thought she could ever have.

“Yes. I want to go more than anything.”

“But you’re not.” It wasn’t an order or an incrimination, merely a statement of understanding.

“No, nothing good can come of it.”

“No, nothing can. But that doesn’t make it any easier, does it?” Lawrence sat next to her, rubbed soothing circles on her back, and kissed her hair as if she were a little girl again.

Amaia shook her head.

“Cheer up, my girl. You’re making the right decision.”

“You don’t understand. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay away.”

Lawrence chuckled. “I was in love once too. I know what it’s like, Amaia.”

“What do you mean you’ve been in love? You’ve never mentioned her. You’re not mated. Don’t lie to me, Lawrence. Not you.” If she couldn’t trust Lawrence, she didn’t know how she would continue living. Even with him, she felt as if only the barest of threads held her to the earth.

“Her name was Abigail: my little Abbi. It was during my mortal life. She’s dead. I killed her.”

The words stunned and, to some degree, calmed her. If it were true, Lawrence might be able to help her more than she had thought. “You killed her? When?”

“After Zenas turned me.”

Wait, that would mean…“Does she haunt you then? The way Michael haunts me?”

“No. I don’t understand it. The only explanation I have is that she wasn’t my transformation kill. That must have something to do with it. If I had known, I wouldn’t have insisted on him being your first.”

“What do you mean? You had nothing to do with my transformation kill. Everyone knows you can’t control that.” Or at least that was what she had been taught to believe. She knew differently. She knew she had killed Michael because she was incapable of love. She couldn’t have killed him if she had felt for him the way he did for her.

“Do you really think me stupid, girl? Of course I had control over it. When have you ever known me not to have control?” He made a fair point. There were no mistakes with Lawrence. In all the time she had known him, he had perfectly directed the world around him. “I arranged for him to be there. That’s why I timed your turning the way I did.”

Amaia heard a buzzing. What was Lawrence saying, exactly? All this time, she had thought it was an accident that Michael had been there. A horrific accident that she hadn’t been strong enough to prevent. Anyone else would have been strong enough to resist the urge to kill their lover. Meg wouldn’t have done that to Liam, even though she defended the inevitability of the transformation kill. Not a cell in Amaia’s body doubted that if the roles had been reversed and it had been Michael who had turned, he would have resisted killing her. That’s how he was. That’s how normal people were. They felt affection, love, passion. She had felt nothing.

“What do you mean? You wanted me to kill Michael?”

“Of course I wanted you to kill Michael. The man was a menace. He was going to take you away from me, Amaia. You were mine. I raised you, loved you from the time you were a child. I couldn’t let him barge into your life and take you away from me. When you told me he had proposed to you, I saw the ring and knew that you would be foolish enough to take him, to follow him to the ends of the world. I saw the silly look of love in your eyes.”

Lawrence had thought she was nothing more than a foolish, lovesick girl. “You did all of this to keep me from him?”

“Love—mating—makes us weak. You know that. I’ve seen the contempt in your eyes when you see a mated pair. You’re right. I knew firsthand the consequences of letting a human love us. I wasn’t going to let what happened to me happen to you. Having you kill Michael right away was the best thing I could have done for you.”

“How can you say that when it has caused me nothing but torment?”

“I’m sorry about that, my child. I really am. Had I known, perhaps I would have done things differently. I knew that this was the life for you. Can you deny it?”

No, she couldn’t. Every part of her cried out that she belonged as a vampire. This was her reality, her purpose, her life. There wasn’t anything she didn’t love about being a vampire. Except, of course, the fact that her lover was human.

“I had already been down the road you are no doubt traveling now. Abbi was the love of my life, but circumstances meant we kept passing each other by. I met her after I was already stuck in a loveless marriage. We had an affair, but that was no life for her. When the opportunity came for her to marry, I urged her to accept it. I knew it was best for her. I thought then that I would never love again.”

The image of a young Lawrence, smitten with love, entered Amaia’s mind. She couldn’t picture what he would have looked like as a young man. She imagined he could have been handsome in his own way.

“Then my wife died in childbirth along with our stillborn son. We had never been able to have viable children. I was alone, but I couldn’t help thinking that it was better than being married to a woman I didn’t love. I was content to live out my life, but then she returned.” Lawrence stared out the window, his eyes seeming to peer into a different time.

“Abbi?” Amaia felt like a child listening to a bedtime story, and she couldn’t help herself.

Lawrence returned his gaze to her. “Yes. Abbi. Seven years after my wife died, I ran into Abbi when she moved back to the village. Her husband had died as well. She was a fresh widow, looking for comfort and love. I had plenty of both to give. We struck up our affair again. It was amazing how it seemed no time had passed. We had both aged on the outside, but inside we were still the same two young people in love. I can’t tell you how happy I was, Amaia. I wish you could be that happy.”

“Then why did you stop me from marrying Michael? Why did you interfere in my happiness?”

“Because I know the rest of the story. I wanted to be with Abbi forever, but time was not on our side. It didn’t seem fair that we had lost a lifetime together because of bad timing. If I had met her before I married, I would have had her. My life would have been so different. I would have died in my bed a happy old man. I never wanted eternal life, Amaia. I only wanted my Abbi.”

How had this man hidden under Lawrence’s exterior? Amaia was surprised she had spent so much time with him and yet knew so little about who he really was.

“I had known Zenas throughout most of my adult life. I wasn’t a particularly powerful man in my village, but Zenas saw that I had a sharp mind. He liked that. I knew everything about everybody. He used me for information to blackmail people. I don’t know why my part of the world was the one that fascinated him at the time, but it did. He noticed my sadness and asked about it. I told him I wished I could live forever. That’s when he revealed himself to me and offered to turn me. I asked if Abbi could be turned too. He thought our love story was quaint, and he agreed that he would turn us both. We would be able to live out eternity together. His only condition was that I be turned at that moment. He couldn’t risk me changing my mind and the knowledge of his kind being exposed. He didn’t want me telling Abbi until I was a vampire myself. Naturally, I agreed.”

This part of the story sounded familiar. Amaia could understand the desire to live forever. Of course, Lawrence’s desire had come from his love for Abigail; Amaia’s desire had come from a need for control and power.

“I made my transformation kill and went through the metamorphosis. I was so eager to see her when I woke that I fed as quickly as possible and went to her. It was obvious that something was wrong. I hadn’t yet mastered human movement. Hell, I hadn’t even started trying. She was shocked and horrified. I saw the eyes that had only ever looked on me with love harden into a hatred that burns me to this very day.”

The cold passion in Lawrence’s voice bit her.

“I was devastated. I ran away and began to kill. I lost myself in the high. I told you we all do it. I thought if only I could grasp the happiness I felt during my transformation kill, everything would be all right. I failed, as all new vampires do. That particular high is ever elusive.

“Zenas knew what was going on, and he ordered Abigail’s death. She couldn’t continue to live knowing the truth about us. He was lenient with me. Even then, he favored me. I think he actually felt sadness over my situation. He was so in love with Sabine, and I think my circumstances reminded him how lucky he was to have her. I’m grateful for his mercy. He should have killed me as soon as he learned I had let her live after she refused to be turned with me. Instead, he let me resolve it. He even offered to do it for me, but he told me that if he did, then I would forever lose ownership of the deed. I needed to do it myself. If I didn’t, it would always hold me back. I had an eternity to begin living, I couldn’t continually cling to the past, and I didn’t want to learn to resent the man who had given me the chance to have everything.

“I crept into her room while she slept. I watched her throughout the night, memorizing the way she looked to my new vision. She was more beautiful than I had remembered. She had aged gracefully, and I couldn’t help loving that face, no matter how much she had hurt me. I hated myself in that moment, Amaia. I hated myself for letting her have that power over me, for making me weak, for making me vulnerable to her. I learned to hate her too, for taking that vulnerable part of me and irreparably damaging it. I trusted her, and she stomped on my heart. By the time the sun rose, I knew I would kill her, and I knew I would enjoy it. Or at least I would convince myself that I enjoyed it until it became the truth. I can still hear her screams, Amaia. I remember every second of that morning in perfect detail. She begged for mercy. She pled for her life. She was terrified. But not once did she ask to join me. Not once did she apologize for the great injury she did me. That is what love is, Amaia. That is what fickle human hearts are capable of. There is no love. Having you kill Michael as your transformation kill was the best thing I could have ever done for you. I spared you the pain of being rejected by him.”

Amaia’s world crumbled around her. This was lunacy. In Lawrence’s eyes, she saw the cold frenzy of a madman. Through it all, her heart went out to him. What great pain he must have suffered.

“You knew I loved him, but you had me kill him anyway?”

“Yes. Your love is the reason you had to kill him. It had to be your transformation kill. I wasn’t sure I could get you to kill him otherwise, and I wasn’t going to have him take you from me. He would have never accepted you as a vampire. I knew that when I turned you. I wanted you, Amaia, and I wasn’t going to let him have you.”

“You let me live this entire time believing that I wasn’t capable of mating, of being in love. But Meg was right, wasn’t she? They were all right. The transformation kill can’t be controlled.”

“No, it can’t. That’s why it had to be then. But really, Amaia, how powerful can the emotion of love be if it is so easily overcome?”

“I don’t know, Lawrence, but clearly love is strong enough for you to base your life on it in your crazy need for revenge. That’s why you’re obsessed with creating a better race, isn’t it? You were so hurt that you want to create a race that is more powerful, impervious to the pain, as if that’s even possible. I can’t believe you intended for me to live through eternity alone. You wanted me to end up just like you. I could have been happy, but you never gave me the chance.” Amaia stormed to her feet, looking down at Lawrence until she could no longer bear the sight of him and turned away.