Secret Nanny Club (21 page)

“Oh God,” she said, “you didn’t . . . I mean . . . Jesus!”

Her hand flew to her mouth. I felt like the entire departure lounge had started

spinning
around me. My head was throbbing. “Clive and your friend, Jane? Jane Dellany? The model?” My voice sounded so small and pathetic. I felt humiliated in front of this pair. There was pity and embarrassment written all over their handsome faces.

“Yes, sorry, I thought everyone knew.”

I drew a sharp intake of breath and then exhaled slowly. “Not everyone.
I
didn’t.”

CHAPTER
FIFTEEN

I locked the toilet cubicle door and sat down on the loo
fully clothed. I was in shock. Clive had a new girlfriend? And they were going on holidays? I was absolutely shocked. I’d been thinking he couldn’t pay any child support yet he was whisking away some model to the sun? Oh my God. I was so upset I was shaking. I wished I hadn’t bumped into Lilly and her boyfriend. I hated the fact that they’d obviously felt so sorry for me. They probably thought I was devastated because I still had feelings for Clive and maybe they thought that I harboured a secret notion that we might get back together in the future. But that was so far from the truth. If Clive was the last man alive I would never want to get back together with him. The thought of him touching me was enough to make my skin crawl. I couldn’t stand him because of the cruel way he had treated me and his own baby son. I wasn’t upset because I heard that Clive had a new girlfriend, I was upset because he hadn’t given us

any
money for support, claiming near poverty! Not only that, but he never even sent a text to see how John was doing. It was as though he couldn’t give a rat’s ass what happened to us.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect myself. I
needed to calm down. I wiped an angry tear away with some toilet paper and went outside to the sink where I washed my hands in cold water and stared at myself in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. I had got old-looking. I was haggard and unkempt. I wondered whether Lilly and Greg had mentally

compared
me to Clive’s stunning new girlfriend with her flat tummy and long legs. I was ashamed of myself in my elasticated dress which allowed me eat as much as I

wanted
to without any visible consequences. I had let myself go. I was a frump.

There and then I made a little pact with myself. I was
going to take myself and my weight in hand. No more wine-o’clock once John had gone down for the evening, and no more late night snacking on things like crisps or crackers and cheese. I’d start when I got home from holiday. No more bags of home-made buttery croissants from Sheelagh – I knew she meant well but I’d have to tell her I couldn’t accept them anymore. I was not going to let Creepy Clive ruin my holiday, I thought fiercely as I applied some lippy in the mirror. He

had
caused enough damage to my esteem already. He had ruined my pregnancy – a time which should have been a very happy one – and he had been nothing but nasty to me since John arrived. But by God, he wasn’t going to be allowed to destroy my one week’s holiday in

so
many years!

I walked back to the boarding gate like a robot. The
world seemed to have blurred around me. But I wasn’t going to crack. Hell, no. I had spent the last of my savings on this holiday. Once I went back to work properly it would be full on and God only knew when

I’d get the chance to get away again.

“Not long now,” said Tanya cheerfully when she saw me.

I was so glad she was coming on the holiday with us.
If I had been going away with the baby myself I think I might have just cracked up altogether. I sat down wordlessly.

“Are you okay?”

I turned to look at her, feigning surprise. “Of course! Why do you ask?”

“You look a little pale. Like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“Do I? Well, I am pale, I suppose. I’m Irish so I can’t help it! But hopefully a bit of sun on my face can change that.”

I picked up the magazine that I had left on the seat
and started to flick through it. I needed an immediate distraction. John woke up whimpering and Tanya took him out of his pram and cuddled him on her knee. I continued flicking through the magazine but seeing

nothing
. I felt like I was in a daze and my mind was racing too much to be able to read.

About a hundred yards away there was a small bar
with people sitting outside enjoying their drinks. I’d love a drink, I thought. Actually I need a drink, I told myself. I looked at my watch. It was nearly one o’clock. I decided to get a drink and a sandwich. I’d just get a small beer. Or a cider. Just a half glass. No, wait a minute. I was on my holidays, I’d get a pint.

They had a good selection of freshly made doorstep
sandwiches for sale. I went for the cheese-and-coleslaw one and asked for a pint of Heineken. Normally I wouldn’t drink pints because I think it looks unladylike but I was thirsty.

Back at the gate John was trying to wriggle out of
Tanya’s arms. “He’s getting restless,” she chuckled.

“Oh dear, maybe we shouldn’t have allowed him to
sleep earlier. He’ll drive us and everyone around us nuts on the flight!”

I put the pint glass of beer down at my feet after
taking a large gulp. Then I took a large bite out of my sandwich. It was yummy.

“I’m sorry. I should have asked you if you wanted a
sandwich, Tanya. Do you want one? They’re delicious.”

Tanya shook her head. “I’m trying to stop eating
bread,” she said, patting her stomach. “It’s no good for me.”

No wonder she was so slim, I thought, the self
-loathing creeping back into my psyche. If only I had her discipline. Why was I so weak? I bet Lilly didn’t eat bread either. Or Jane for that matter. I took another bite of my sandwich followed by another glug of beer. Why did I not have the willpower to throw the sandwich in the bin? I wasn’t hungry any more. I was eating just for the sake of it.

“Are you sure you’re not hungry?” I asked Tanya.

She shook her head. “I have an apple in my bag but I’m saving it for my flight,” she said.

“How can you eat so little?” I wondered out loud. “I
get so hungry. And once I start I can’t stop! If I buy a fresh baguette I feel compelled to eat the lot. It’s the same with a

packet
of biscuits or a bottle of wine or whatever else!”

“Of course you can stop,” said Tanya. “It’s just self
-discipline, that’s all.”

That was nothing new. I knew about self-discipline.
The question was, why didn’t I have any? I gave a deep sigh. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. If I needed to clean up my act and stay positive I was going to have to do that myself. Tanya wasn’t going to be able to do it for me. Neither was Sheelagh or anybody else. I would start the diet tomorrow. We were going half-board in the hotel so I would just stick to fruit and vegetables. It was easier to be good when you were away. When it was really hot outside you just didn’t feel like stuffing your face with fatty food. I’d just have to remember to lay off the ice-cream.

“I think they’re going to start boarding soon,” said
Tanya, glancing at her watch. “If you like I’ll start queuing with John and you can finish your beer in peace.”

“Oh, there’s no need. Save your legs, honestly. Our
seats are pre-booked so it won’t be like everybody will be fighting each other for the best seats. Relax!”

Tanya sank back into the seat. “I forgot we had arranged
seating,” she laughed. “You’re right. There’s no point in wasting our energy. We’ll all get on board eventually.”

For a moment I wished Tanya wasn’t a non-drinker. I
would have loved to buy her a beer. Then again, it was nice and comforting to know that my au pair didn’t drink. It meant that I could enjoy another drink on the plane and she could be the sensible one looking after John.

I felt momentarily guilty thinking such indulgent thoughts,
but hey, I was on my holidays. I’d had the shittiest year ever being dumped by the father of my child and having to go it alone. And now he had found happiness with somebody else. Somebody with a flat tummy I would never have. I took another sip of my drink, enjoying the way that the bubbles were dancing into my bloodstream. I was already calmer, but I was still annoyed that Clive could be jetting off to the sun while he had led me to believe he was strapped for cash. Unless . . . unless Jane was treating him. She was a very popular model and as far as I could remember she still lived at home. She could easily afford to whisk Clive away somewhere hot if she wanted to. More fool her, I thought. Clive was just a complete user.

It looked like the flight was going to be full, I
thought, judging by the queue that was getting longer by the minute. I finished my sandwich quickly and knocked back my pint.

“I’d better go to the bathroom,” I told Tanya. “I can’t
get on a flight just having knocked back a pint or I’ll be bursting. Mind my stuff, will you?”

“No problem,” she said.

I raced off. I was feeling a little cheered up now with the beer warming my belly. I was going to forget about Clive. He wasn’t worth a single thought. Why would I waste a week of my life or even a day thinking about somebody who didn’t give a hoot about me?

When I got back I noticed that Tanya was at the top
of the queue with the pram and all of our luggage. I went and joined her. “How did you manage that?” I asked.

“Oh, they made an announcement calling for anyone
with a buggy, a pram or a wheelchair to board first.”

“Nice one.”

We were the first to get on the little bus outside that was to take us to the aircraft. John was looking all around him with interest. It was so cute. He was probably wondering what on earth was going on, and who were all these people?

Once on the plane we settled down quickly. John
began to shout a little and I noticed people glancing over in our direction with withering looks that said ‘I hope he isn’t going to start yelling’. I didn’t blame them. After all, a few years ago that would have been me, hoping and praying I wasn’t seated beside any boisterous, snotty-nosed youngster. Now I was the harassed mum terrified that my child was going to disturb everyone.

As luck would have it, nobody sat in the window seat
of our aisle so the space was free. As soon as the Fasten Seat Belt sign was turned off, Tanya switched seats and sat beside the window and I put John in the seat in between us. At least we had a bit of room then. I couldn’t have imagined keeping him on my knee for the entire two hours and twenty minutes of our flight.

When the drinks trolley came around, Tanya bought
a black tea and asked me if I wanted anything. “Not at all, I’ll buy my own. I’m going to have an alcoholic drink anyway.” Now that I’d had the taste of it I wanted more. It would help the flight go faster anyway.

There was nothing more boring than being strapped into a
seat for a couple of hours. Normally I would read on a plane or listen to my iPod, but I couldn’t really do either

of
those things with John. I ordered a vodka and orange juice and a tub of sour cream-

and-onion
Pringles. I didn’t want to keep drinking beer as it would bloat my tummy. And at least if I was drinking orange juice with the vodka I was getting a bit of Vitamin C into my body. At least that’s what I was telling myself.

As Tanya entertained John by making his blue teddy
dance on the seat rests, I slowly sipped my drink and munched on my crisps. I tried not to think about Clive but it was hard to think of anything else. The last time I had been on a holiday in the sun it had been with him. My mind jumped back to the first time we met. In sunny Croatia. I had fallen in love with him as we swam in the hotel pool, splashed in the sea and cuddled under the stars at night. Now he would be doing all that with somebody else. With a beautiful model no less. I, on the other hand, would be spending the last of my money taking his little boy and the au pair on a cheapy package holiday to Torremolinos. I would be the one putting the sun cream

on
John’s little body every day and making sure he was kept in the shade. I was the one who would kiss him goodnight and make sure he was safe and well. I was the one who would comfort him if he woke during the night or mislaid his soother. Clive would be off clubbing every night with Jayne, probably drinking his head off, and telling her she was the most beautiful girl in the world as they made love. Just like he had done with me.